I conducted a very informal poll asking parents what book they most hated reading to their kids. Without a doubt, Love You Forever by Robert Munsch was number one.
This book is for the sociopath in all of us: Love You Forever, a.k.a. The Scariest Mother-in-Law in History.
This book is not so much a children's book, but a stalker manual. It begins innocently enough with a mother rocks her baby son in her arms and sings, "I'll love you forever; I'll like you for always; as long as I'm living my baby you'll be." Aww. That's sweet.
The kid's older now. When he's sleeping, she picks him up and sings the same song. Well, maybe that's kind of normal. Moms across the world often wish their children were little again.
Oh, wait, she's singing the song again, but her son's now a teenager? She sneaks into the bedroom of a post-pubescent boy, picks him up and sings to him while he's unconscious? Now I'm creeped out.
The son tolerates this for years. Finally, he grows up and moves out. Phew. He escaped Grey Gardens. He found a mail order bride and started a new life for himself.*
As we might have predicted, this mother has trouble separating from her son. She won't let that b*tch he married keep her from her illegal nighttime snuggles. She actually breaks into his house and rocks him. When he's a grown man. Not kidding. The book says, "sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really she asleep, she picked him and rocked him back and forth."
It literally says she only does this on dark nights.
It literally has a picture of her car with a ladder strapped to the top.
This little old woman can pick up grown men and heave ladders onto station wagons? She's either on 'roids or is a Cold War cyborg. No wonder this guy's wife shuts her mouth, tolerates yet another broken windowpane, and lets her mother-in-law climb into bed with them every time there's a new moon.
The most disturbing part of this book is the end, because it says it says the son starts doing it to his own daughter (insert mental image of me taking a Silkwood shower here).
*No woman who knew anything about him or his mother would sign on for that bag of mother-in-law crazy. No woman.
Erica Ford is the author of Scotch Tape is Cheaper Than Botox available at Amazon.
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