Nobody danced better. His music was the best, once upon a time. Okay. But all right, already. "Thriller" is not thrilling when you have just heard it, without ever even intending to, 2,345,789 times in a row.

Enough is enough. We have all read and read about his hideous...

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Just take a look at the latest comeback kid, the pride of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, 10 year-old Stump, the Sussex spaniel.

Sassy and sleek, mighty geezer Stump essentially retired from show business four years ago, but still...

We all have one. (Well, at least one.)

The relative who makes you and your whole family cringe every time he opens his mouth at family gatherings. He's the reason why you'd be too mortified to invite your boyfriends, your pals and work colleagues to these occasions. Every year you...

Jesus, this is a tough crowd.

What's with everyone dissing the hat?

Why didn't anyone find it aesthetically logical? And in any case, who cares?

Whatever happened to personal style? Must we all look the same? Aretha's got gravitas and the cojones to take a risk. She's Aretha, for...

It's getting harder these days to be cranky, to stay curmudgeonly.

It can still be done, of course, it's just that right now, it requires much more of an effort than usual. And curmudgeons resent that, in fact, that's an integral part of being a curmudgeon.

But really, who...

"Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me," says Sarah Appalling. Is she channeling Spiro Agnew? Or trying to? That's some goal.

Remember Agnew's narcissistic and paranoid ravings? When this bilious Blagojevich predecessor attacked the media, as crooked and vile as he was, at least his gems were often...

These days, I feel caught in the strangest kind of limbo, suspended somewhere between euphoria and the most utter, bleak despair, and in speaking to the other people around me and even in hearing from friends all over the world, I know I am not alone. Everyone feels irritatingly and...

Like almost anyone else I've ever met in my life, right now I need a job. And when I read the other day that employees of "disgraced billionaire" Bernard Madoff are still showing up to work, doing nothing there and still being paid while "expecting to be fired," I thought...

Can this year end soon enough?

Not for me. But for the miracle of the Obama election (and I am still pinching myself thrice daily), most of the news has seemed dumb and dumber, glum and glummer.

In the meantime, the governor of Illinois pitches forward, more arrogantly than...

Everything is shrinking these days, worth less, diminished. A million bucks used to be worth, well, a million bucks. Today we pay more and get less. We live larger but feel smaller. We must face facts, my friends: Less is less.

Now, with belts tightened and the notion of a...

Into yesterday's daily meat grinder of news went a little bit of everything, the Madoff debacle, the shoes tossed at Bush, Caroline Kennedy's political aspirations, the already by now daily dump on Obama & Co., the Iago Blago, and what a recipe it was. But, hello? Seemingly lost in the...

Did it really happen?
Did I dream it?
Did the lame duck duck, or did I imagine it?
Have I finally lost each and every one of my marbles, once and for all?

Earlier today, I could swear that I saw Bush in Baghdad, surreal...

Last night at around 11:00, just as I stepped back into the apartment after walking the dog, my phone rang.

The voice at the other end told me it was Barack Obama, so I hung up.

When he called back twenty minutes later, this time he laughed softly, then said:...

Like most of us yesterday morning, I held my breath as I watched Barack Obama's Cavalcade of Stars take their place on stage with him and make history.

I held my breath, I realized later, purely out of habit, since this is what I have been doing for roughly the...

(With a little help from Lisa Mende)

Thursday promises the same humdrum cavalcade of Thanksgiving foods for all: turkey, stuffing, cranberries, yams and pumpkin pie. But what really belongs on the menu of these notables this year?

BARACK OBAMA: A fine kettle of fish

MICHELLE OBAMA: One smart cookie

SARAH...

1. Knows where to find the best corned beef sandwich in Chicago.

2. Thinks before he speaks. Thinks, period.

3. Flirts with his wife.

4. Would be able to look Cindy Sheehan in the eye.

5. Actually reads books. Lots and lots of books. He even writes them!

It's official. The world has gone mad. Again.

Sarah Palin will get $7 million+ to write a book? To tell us more than we ever, ever wanted to know about herself (hasn't she already?), bore us to tears with how tedious, inarticulate and stupendously clueless she is, and waste many...

My final conversation with my wry and witty mother, on her deathbed 12 years ago, was practically lifted right out of "Mildred Pierce", with a dash of the Marx Brothers thrown in to prevent it from being utterly banal as well as maudlin.

"Come closer," she whispered, beckoning me with...

(With fervent apologies to Paul Anka)

And now, the end is near
60+ days, and then I'm history.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
That I wasn't impeached, is but a mystery

I've lived a life that's full,
I've started wars just like my father;
...

(With profound apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How do I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin? Let me count the ways.

I thank thee to the depth and breadth and height my Democratic, Obama-loving, unemployed soul can reach, still exhausted mightily from the interminable weeks of horrific suspense, waiting to...