Why I Want to Work For Bernie Madoff

Like almost anyone else I've ever met in my life, right now I need a job. And when I read the other day that employees of "disgraced billionaire" Bernard Madoff are still showing up to work, doing nothing there and still being paid while "expecting to be fired," I thought to myself, "Hey, I could do that." I'm actually pretty good at that since I've always expected to be fired at most jobs anyway. (But have usually been pleasantly surprised.)

Now, make no mistake, this type of job is not my preference, not one bit. I actually enjoy working, working hard, but I'm willing to give it a try until the genuine article comes along.

So, the question is, where do I sign up and report to work, Bernie?

Do you have health insurance? Direct deposit? A 401(k) ?

When can I meet with HR? When can I steal, I mean get, my first bonus?

Remember the Pinsky File on Seinfeld? George wasn't really even hired, he just showed up for the job he wanted, put his feet up and tried to look busy. George was my hero. When asked, he was busy with the Pinsky File. As I recall though, one day Pinsky himself showed up and George was history. (The truth is, maybe we should have had George Costanza running the SEC along with The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges and Betty Boop. Could they have done a poorer job than the people who actually were?)

Bernard Madoff, who has now forever forfeited the Park Avenue cachet of being called "Bernard" and is these days just a crooked schnook named Bernie, should share a cell with that other arrogant blowhard, the one from Illinois, the one who won't go gracefully -- or at all -- into that good night. Just think, Bernie can counsel Blago about how to extort money and Blago can teach Bernie a thing or two about bluster. Together, they could become a formidable two-headed Hydra. Look out, it's Madojevich the Money Monster!

With only 15 days to go until the inauguration of our president-elect, to this day, I cannot for the life of me even begin to imagine why on earth this brilliant, extraordinary man wants the job but am impossibly thrilled that he does (provided there is anything left to govern after W. is finished. The news from all over seems to get a little bit worse every day and he seems to get a little more absent.) Heckuva job. The Gaza is imploding. Iraq is forgotten. The rich feel poor and the poor are actually poorer. And, as if that all weren't enough, now Ann Coulter is back. And Laura Bush is about to be paid $8 million from Scribner's for a memoir? Married to a knucklehead for 31 years, her steep reward will now be roughly $258,000. for each year?

As for me and my career, I am more than content to set up shop at Madoff (In)Securities, put up my feet and draw a fat juicy paycheck. I too can swarm busily to an office every day where dozens of non-working workers arrive and wait for Godot, while drinking a $145 Starbucks Gingerbread Latte and IMing recruiters all over town all day about OTHERjobs that don't exist.

If anyone asks, I'm busy with the Pinsky File.

Comments

[ObjectiveRealist]

Banana republics and fascist failed states don't need "community organizers" but functioning democracies do. Plus, I've found it's a more rewarding way of passing the time while I wait for employers to call about my application, than waiting by the phone for employers to call.

[rehajm]

We can put you and Bernie in charge of Social Security. Bernie has vast experience with the business model- take the money under the guise of putting it to work, or 'away', for retirement, but instead of investing, use the direct cash flow to pay other stakeholders. Gain the trust of your stakeholders who will defend you to the death if anyone dares question your model or your motives. Repeat the process until it collapses under it's own weight...the parallels are disturbing....

[warrencassell]

The whole affair gets me really pissed off. Some unemployed, homeless schlub steals a pack of cigarettes from a convenience store and ends up on Rikers for a month. This guy steals fifty BILLION dollars and languishes in his ten million dollar apartment. Justice, where are you when we need you?

[camper65]

If you want an even better deal, join the UAW!

[Donegal]

I didn't know Madoff was hiring. Thanks for the tip!

[lightning110]

If this guy was even half Arab, he would have been investigated years ago. Only reason SEC failed to investigate him is because he is part of the z-team from which the SEC recruits heavily. Call a spade a spade.

[brooklynmatt]

Well that's interesting. Who's money is being used to pay them, exactly? Shouldnt the accounts be frozen, since the scammed investors might be interested in recouping some of that?

[johnsopinion]

REALLY!

Perhaps it is the newer employees contributions to their retirement
plan that is paying the wages of the older, doing-nothing, employees.
Of course that means that new jobs are constantly being opened at
Bernies Place but Bernie has that under control. He's such a smart
fella.

Whoohooo!

[davidddownie]

I'm not sure why, but I love these posts. Perhaps I too am an underemployed, masochistic workaholic. Certainly, I'd love to punch the clock and receive a check chez Madoff--as in Made Off (with the loot)--though I'd probably feel lousy about stealing even more money. Because the money hasn't really been "lost" has it? Is money ever lost? Is it burned or destroyed? Do Madoff acolytes dance around a fire fueled by our savings? Somehow I don't think so. The money has merely migrated from one billionaire's pocket into another. Think about it, fellow Rippedoffs. The trillions are not lost, they've merely taken a leisurely detour. Ask those in our outgoing administration about the itinerary. One day, they'll have plenty to tell. (But don't count on getting a confession by using torture; water-boarding appears to be exclusive to persons of color).
Keep writing Madame, you have fans in Paris. ddd

[Erica Heller - Huffpost Blogger]

She has served a lengthy sentence indeed, then again, so have we.
Fourteen more days...

[Virginia Plain]

Nah! You're too honest and hard-working for that kind of carry on. You'd go nuts with boredom in less than a day, and be asking - "Someone get me to Heller out of here".

Laura's book should be interesting - at least she can string a sentence together. Come to think of it, she has served a lengthy sentence with Dubya already., and all the money that Madoff made off with wouldn't pay me to live with George W. Bush for a week!

Here's to a whole new ball game with President Obama!

[Lahonda]

...the Pinsky file, eh? Heller, I love how you take the hardest file first... you're promoted!!!

[keeplookin]

Try running a major-league sports organization, I mean sitting in the manager's chair for awhile while the org. kinda sorta runs itself (into the ground), then a major state, then a major country (hey, wait - how 'bout THE major country?!!)...

Um, wait, does your family have tons of money and connections? Or even just money?

I think that's a prerequisite to this kind of track...

Oh, yeah, also you shouldn't have any real connection to the majority of humans here on Earth.

That oughta do it. Keep us posted!

[itolduso]

Awww-give them a break! They're just trying to demonstrate that they can qualify for a job with any of our nation's regulatory agencies!

[rtolmach]

You're overqualified!