Being Gracious in a Sexist World

I didn't know it would feel this bad. I didn't know it would feel this personal. I'm all for a united Democratic party. But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit. And the gloating by the press is even worse. It sounds like "I told you so." It feels like watching Joan of Arc burned at the stake. You can smell the burning flesh. And then all the crowing about breaking the race barrier -- which we haven't done yet.

A primary is not a general election. The people who vote in primaries are more sophisticated than the general run of voters. I hope Obama will be our next president. But I can't watch his triumph without a fearful foreboding. He is not the first charismatic leader we've produced and he won't be the last. But our country is very good at taking down the best and the brightest. Those of us who lived through the unspeakable violence of the sixties can attest to that.

I want to be wrong about violence. I hate the role of Cassandra. I want to believe that America has moved beyond violence and racism and maybe we have. But I thought we had moved beyond sexism, and this campaign proved me wrong. The petty woman-hating jibes, the ageism, and the physical mockery have not been easy to watch. The only good thing about the defeat of Hillary Clinton may be a resurgence of feminism, an understanding that we haven't yet killed misogyny and that we have work to do.

"It's not sexism -- it's her" seems to have replaced, "I'm not a feminist, but" in our national lexicon. This is not to imply that Hillary Clinton is faultless -- far from it. But it's clear that the faults we tolerate and even overlook in men, we see as glaring in women. The problem with sexism is that it's so damned invisible. McCain can confuse Sunnis and Shiites and nobody blinks. Bush can admit to his press secretary that he outed a secret agent while claiming that he'd fire any aide who did so -- and the press sleeps. Men make mistakes. Women are not allowed to. We are held to such high and impossible standards that the possibility of any woman penetrating the barrier again seems remote.

My best friend tells me that Hillary should have been gracious last night. Barack Obama was gracious. But isn't gratitude the prerogative of the winner? Will women ever be winners? And if so, when?

Sexism is hard to see because most of it is so petty we don't want to mention it. Nutcracker thighs? A novelty like that seems beneath contempt. But it isn't one small offense that does women in -- it's the steady accretion of many offenses. It's death by a thousand cuts.
Even mentioning the problem seems ungracious. As women, we're supposed to specialize in graciousness. And there isn't a gracious way to talk about sexism. Perhaps there is no way to talk about sexism at all -- which is the way sexists want it.

I will work my tail off for President Obama. We need a Democratic in the White House more than ever. But I can't help feeling that we've buried a topic that needs unearthing. Please, Mr. Obama, turn your attention to sexism and tell us how you plan to address it. Then we can all be gracious with a good conscience.

Related:
Read more from Huffington Post bloggers on Barack Obama clinching the Democratic nomination for president

Comments

[aceholiday]

Hillary said "I can. I will!" Obama says "We can. We will." That's why she lost.

[shothot]

The attitude that there won't be another woman candidate for ..........­..........­or never, is perplexing. There are loads of women who are as capable as Hillary. The question is, will women want to run, which is not a sexist problem, but more due to gender, in which recruiting another female candidate might be the problem. Certainly, there is no shortage of females that qualify. But to assume that Hillary is the "Lone Ranger" is myopic.

[becky]

I agree with you Erica, and feel the very same way. Even trying to talk about sexism is impossible, it is met with deaf ears or ridicule to shut us up. Hillary Clinton is without question the smartest strongest
candidate. She would have easily won if she wasn't denigrated in the media every day, and this website was just as guilty. I don't get Ar ian na.... I'm not upset she supported Barack Obama, but then
to turn around and do everything in her power to hurt Hillary just doesn't make sense. It seems she has issue with Hillary's vote to authorize the use of force if necessary. I agree the war is ugly and unnecessary. But really, to blame Hillary for it is a little ridiculous. It's such a shame that Ar ian na
has forgotten what Hillary has accomplished in her life that has had an incredibly positive impact on Americans. Hillary's loss of the primary is a loss for this country. And it's all because the pundits and the people with voices (big voices) don't like her. What an sad day in America.

[clevelandchick]

Hillary Clinton was treated equally badly by the media as Barack. I mean they called the man an unpatriotic Muslim terrorist plant for chrissakes. That's far more damaging than making fun of Hillary's laugh or outfits.

Arianna has a right to disagree with Hillary's vote for the war, her vote for the Bankruptcy Bill, her vote on the Kyl-Lieberman amendment etc. That type of criticism is more than valid and Hillary has to answer for it just as any other male politician would. As a Clinton, she had the power of that name and the automatic stature it gave her in the Senate to stand up to Bush on the war and everything else. But she never onced used it these many years...until she began running for POTUS. Then she spoke out against Bush. By that time it was too late.

Hillary made the mistake of playing it too safe to protect her own political viability. She voted to ban flag burning for the love of pete, she voted with Republicans on key issues that hurt this nation. Of course she is responsible, that's her job as a Senator and public servant.

[GrainOSand]

Hey "deapthrowt" why don't you just swallow and move on? You are fighting yesterday's battle with yesteryear's tactics. Either you are a delusional supporter of Mrs. Clinton who cannot accept defeat or you are a GOP operative who fears defeat; whichever I wanted to let you know that not all BS grows flowers and syrup on BS does not make pancakes.

[TeriMcCarthy]

Why do you think it is your last chance?

[funnyguy]

Howard Fineman, a very reliable reporter with Newsweek, reported that Clinton aides have said Obama better not pick any other woman as VP. How do you explain that, Erica? Is this your idea of feminism?

[GrainOSand]

Barack Obama as president will not greatly influence my daily life as someone labeled African American. I hold no such illusions. I would suggest the same for women as it relates to Hillary. Be the change you seek, is the phrase, and it is correct in its assessment of the requirement in avoiding a dip in the deep end of the pool of delusion based on transference of personal regret, doubt, bitterness, and letdown that may come to a life -- any life, over a lifetime.

I am responsible for my fears, my sadness, my joys, and my ability to accept and to flow with the changes that come in life. I have no surrogate for my idea of greatness. I am trying to live it, and to the degree, a candidate reflects my values, they get my support. Yet, I remain an individual free to differ at anytime with anyone. This is why party affiliation is not for me, because it pours concrete on one’s future ability to disagree for any occurrence of that which is disagreeable. I like to remain free to find dissent and discord with that which irks me. Mrs. Clinton did not lose because of sexism, she lost because of being a flawed human being, just as Mr. Obama is and everybody else is. Losing is part of the equation for the imperfect; she ran an imperfect campaign, and she was edged out by a better organizational effort.

[daBigNY]

can anyone please point out a legit sexist attack against hrc that didn't come from a comedian? i mean i have watch this primary and have compared to those i have witnessed in the past and i haven't seen anything that would suggest sexism. i mean there is always a candidate that gets piled on and one that is not. one that the media likes and one that the media doesn't. i don't see where these "sexist" claims are coming from but i'm open to being educated.

show me please.

[deapthrowt]

You wouldn't accept them anyway. No one is going to bother. It was deeply felt to the point thousands of women (millions?) refuse to vote for Obama. You can't deny this massive walk out just because you are tone deaf, sweetie.

[Melissa]

Than you Erica - Finally the news media is starting to admit that the sexism was rampant during the campaign. Christ Matthews, Olberman, Russert, MSNBC and Jack Cafferty on CNN were especially horrid. I don't think that is the main reason she did not win but it is one of the reason her supporters are not going to vote as Democrats this year. I am really stupid because I thought most of this was behind us but I now realize it is not. Maybe in 2012 we can do this all over again.

[larazon]

Can't we just return to who ran the best race? I don't care if they're black or white, man or woman. All I care about is strength of character, vision, consistency, performance and integrity. I don't care if I put a black man or a white woman in the white house (caps. censored?). I just care that I put the best person for the job there, and in my opinion the best person happens to be black and male. I'm sorry, but maybe, it was not a question of not choosing a woman, it was a question of who is best for this moment in time.

[Idiocracy]

Hillary did not lose because she is a woman. She had my vote until the negative, fear mongering, low blows started coming out of her camp. She is representing an old way of doing things in Washington and the people of this country are ready for a complete change no matter how much it hurts, and its gonna hurt a bit. But well worth it in the end for us and our children.

We need to make some big changes if we are going to keep up with the growing world at large. America is still a very strong force in the global playing field, but the field is changing and expanding and America must adjust. The old style of thinking is fading away as the natural course of socioligical evolution takes place.

Embrace this change for the sake of our children and their children.

It's time to make this happen.

[clevelandchick]

Amen.

[larazon]

Can't we just return to who ran the best race? I don't care if they're black or white, man or woman. All I care about is strength of character, vision, consistency, performance and integrity. I don't care if I put a black man or a white woman in the White House. I just care that I put the best person for the job there, and in my opinion the best person happens to be black and male. I'm sorry, but maybe, it was not a question of not choosing a woman, it was a question of who is best for this moment in time.

[deapthrowt]

Hillary ran the best race because she kept winning when it really counted.

I think you mistake getting the most delegate votes as winning the race. Losing in November is not winning the race. Obstructing revotes in FLA and MICH is not winning the race. Buying superdelegates is not winning the race. Jackbooting caucuses is not winning the race. And, winning red states is not winning the race. Do I have to make myself more clear?

[kb8240]

As a resident of a red state that held a caucus, I am so very tired of hearing how my vote shouldn't count. Voting in a caucus requires a little more effort to vote because you don't just pop into a booth and punch a card. You have to show up, look your neighbors in the eye and stand for what you believe in. It is democracy in the purest sense. And voters in 11+ states made the effort. To say that the Obama campaign stacked the deck is ludicrous. The Clinton and Edwards campaigns had exactly the same access to party activists in those states. And on caucus night, most of those activists DID vote for Clinton. It was the newly energized, formerly disheartened voters who came out in droves to the caucuses and took it for Obama, in my state, to the tune of 74%. Her campaign made the choice to not court those votes. To not count them now is exactly the kind of dishonest, revisionist thinking that led to her campaign's demise.

[SethBLiNK]

It's funny but you just named everything that Obama did to win the race and said that it's not winning the race. The nomination is determined by delegates. Both candidates knew that at the beginning and both made up strategies based on that criteria.

Winning the most delegates IS winning the race. Hillary flipflopped on Florida and Michigan like a fish out of water and in the end, no intrpretation of those votes would have given her enough delegates to win. If a superdelegate was up for sale, I promise you the Clintons would have bought them (since they have no concerns with spending money they don't have) and I attended two caucuses in two different states and I can assure you, if any Jackbooting was done, it was done by arrogant people backing Hillary.

And yes, red states do count.

[sypage]

This wasn't a "last chance" to see a woman elected President, it was the first chance. I am 55 years old, and I fully expect to see a woman elected President in my lifetime. Let's just hope it's not a Republican.

[stanjz]

Talk about a massive cross to bear-race, middle east, global warming, sexism. Is there anything else we can pile onto Barack's plate before he even gets in office?

[deapthrowt]

BO is not getting into office. Not to worry. Gee, I think I have been reading all over the place it is Hillary;s fault if BO loses - that she failed to get her votes back to his camp. Time for you Obamatons to lay off the Clintons and figure out how you are going to make up for all the voters you lost for the Democratic Party.

Hey, we know and believe you - you hate Clinton and you don't want us back .But I sure want to know how you are going to make up for us abandoning this train wreck. Where are your new voters going to come from? You got them all to crawl out from under the rocks on this first go around and Clinton still got more popular votes. Slim pickens, is what I say.

[libbygirl]

Is it the Democratic Party or Hillary's Party? Why all the anger and willingness to desert the Dems? Aren't we supposed to be working together to make sure our country is better off? I think our only chance is to get a Democrat elected President. Just because some of us prefered Obama to Hillary doesn't mean that we hate her or that we don't admire and respect all of her accomplishments. I hope you won't let your anger cloud your better judgement.

[clevelandchick]

Nobody hates her, my God grow up child. This was a political battle not a personal insult. Both candidates took a beating by the media and the internet. If I had a dollar for every rotten thing a Clinton supporter said about Obama I'd be rich and living in Ireland by now.

This vote isn't about your bruised ego or about only you as a person. It's about voting for the better candidate. It's about the future of our country and this planet. It's about stopping a war with Iran, finally working towards stemming climate change, protecting a woman's right to choose.

Hillary only got the popular vote if you ignore all of the caucus states, last time I checked those states are part of this union. Quit with this b.s. that Hillary was robbed when the facts say otherwise.

[hiplib]

I've said iit before, here and on other forums, and I'm sure I'll say it again, others have said it, others will continue to say it, even though it doesn't seem to get through to many - Hillary lost BECAUSE SHE VOTED TO AUTHORIZE THE IRAQ WAR.
She didn't care about the core Democratic supporters who were against the war. She thought we would have no choice but to vote for her. Instead we found an inspiring leader who had opposed the war from the beginning.
Erica, your article is sexist. Wanting a woman president for no other reason than she is a woman is just as sexist as refusing to support a woman for no other reason than she is a womsn.
For Hillary supporters to wail "We wuz robbed by the sexist media!" is really really lame.

[deapthrowt]

Number one - Hillary did not lose.

You (1) hijacked the nomination and obstructed getting FLA and MICH to re-vote; (2) Obama bought out the superdelegates with offers of campaign cash;and (3) Obama wants to go to war more than anyone on the ticket according to his numerous public commentsso far and also would have voted for the same resolution as he himself stated because he is a party lackie. This is the record Wonderboy is going to have to run on. Good luck.

Obama's only moral courage was to vote "present" when hard issues came before him; rack up one of the largest absent voting records in the entire US Senate and vote for every single war authoization when these votes finally did come before him. That dog don't hunt anymore. You have milked the war issue and missed all the other ones that will bring your guy down.

[greejambri]

bitter, bitter, bitter, you're so very bitter. hillary lost, end of story. nothing was hijacked and whatever sexism was bandied about in the media did not deprive her of the nomination. she lost it, and obama won it. when will you clinton supporter finally let go, do the grief work, and move on? if john mccain gets in the white house, you'll all a LOT to be upset about, for AT LEAST four years.

[clevelandchick]

FACT:

When the Democratic Rules Committee voted to strip both FLA and MI of ALL of their delegates instead of the customary half, every Clinton supporter on that committee voted yea. The lone dissenter was an Obama supporter.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/5/22/0226/35614/632/520082

Hillary didn't give a rat's ass about MI & FLA votes until she lost in Iowa and on Super Tuesday. Then she used them to divide the party.

Obama lead the filibuster on Samuel Alito's nomination, you know the anti-choic­e/anti-wom­en/anti-wo­rkers rights SCOTUS. Do tell, why Hillary didn't take a leadership role on such an important issue?

[cadawa]

You have displayed a kind of reverse sexism that is as disturbing as male insistance that only they are qualified to lead. The fact that Ms. Clinton has a uterus is no more important than the color of Obama's skin.
What is important is that your sexism has blinded to some of Clinton's less attractive and potentially dangerous characteristics. You have pushed aside the unpleasant fact that you have been supporting a candidate whose Middle East Policy is identical to Bush's. She has vowed to continue the bloody expansion of American Imperialism at the cost of the health and well being of Americans. Like Bush she favors the imperial presidency and during her time in Congress has aided Bush in achieving his goal and restricting our civil liberties.
Your disappointment is cause for celebration by the rest of us.
Your picture seems to indicate that you have at least a few more decades to look forward to.
How do you know there won't be another female candidate for president?
The next time she may even manage to retain a few of the traditionally feminine values of compassion, honesty, justice and humanity.
If you want better candidates and better leaders, II suggest your channel your disappointment into supporting publicly funded elections and a voting process that at the very least meets international standards for fairness and transparency.

[darthmaul]

This is a great post. Well said!

[lyingtruth]

Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V

[deapthrowt]

Clinton presented herself as a candidate. The Obama forces and the media reacted to her as a woman. Get your stories straight. Never once did Clinton play either the race card or the gender card. But whoowhee, did the Obama crowd every cause permenent dissention playing each of them, screaming both of them loud and clear. And that is why the Dem Party will never get my vote again. When the knife in your back comes from your friends you don't turn around and let them slap you in the face too.

[lyingtruth]

You'll be missed so much!

Sincerely,

Your Friends

P.S. Can we have the knife back please?

[GrainOSand]

In your comment is the answer. Do not tell stories and then you are afforded the freedom not to have to keep things straight. cadawa was kicking the script as it is, not as it is desired. Get with the program of a world that is changing regardless of one's tendency to hold on the "Linus Blanket" of their own personal ambition over the solutions promised for an entire country by a worthy and qualified candidate.

You played yourself! -- IceT

[clevelandchick]

Obama never treated her with anything but the utmost respect. The media trashed Obama (Rev Wright, flag lapel pins, Muslim etc) just as much as they trashed Hillary.

And something tells me, you have never been a Democrat. I suppose it's your moniker. Go back to Red State.

[SethBLiNK]

Every single thing you say is true. Deap. You just reversed the names.