Being Gracious in a Sexist World
I didn't know it would feel this bad. I didn't know it would feel this personal. I'm all for a united Democratic party. But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit. And the gloating by the press is even worse. It sounds like "I told you so." It feels like watching Joan of Arc burned at the stake. You can smell the burning flesh. And then all the crowing about breaking the race barrier -- which we haven't done yet.
A primary is not a general election. The people who vote in primaries are more sophisticated than the general run of voters. I hope Obama will be our next president. But I can't watch his triumph without a fearful foreboding. He is not the first charismatic leader we've produced and he won't be the last. But our country is very good at taking down the best and the brightest. Those of us who lived through the unspeakable violence of the sixties can attest to that.
I want to be wrong about violence. I hate the role of Cassandra. I want to believe that America has moved beyond violence and racism and maybe we have. But I thought we had moved beyond sexism, and this campaign proved me wrong. The petty woman-hating jibes, the ageism, and the physical mockery have not been easy to watch. The only good thing about the defeat of Hillary Clinton may be a resurgence of feminism, an understanding that we haven't yet killed misogyny and that we have work to do.
"It's not sexism -- it's her" seems to have replaced, "I'm not a feminist, but" in our national lexicon. This is not to imply that Hillary Clinton is faultless -- far from it. But it's clear that the faults we tolerate and even overlook in men, we see as glaring in women. The problem with sexism is that it's so damned invisible. McCain can confuse Sunnis and Shiites and nobody blinks. Bush can admit to his press secretary that he outed a secret agent while claiming that he'd fire any aide who did so -- and the press sleeps. Men make mistakes. Women are not allowed to. We are held to such high and impossible standards that the possibility of any woman penetrating the barrier again seems remote.
My best friend tells me that Hillary should have been gracious last night. Barack Obama was gracious. But isn't gratitude the prerogative of the winner? Will women ever be winners? And if so, when?
Sexism is hard to see because most of it is so petty we don't want to mention it. Nutcracker thighs? A novelty like that seems beneath contempt. But it isn't one small offense that does women in -- it's the steady accretion of many offenses. It's death by a thousand cuts.
Even mentioning the problem seems ungracious. As women, we're supposed to specialize in graciousness. And there isn't a gracious way to talk about sexism. Perhaps there is no way to talk about sexism at all -- which is the way sexists want it.
I will work my tail off for President Obama. We need a Democratic in the White House more than ever. But I can't help feeling that we've buried a topic that needs unearthing. Please, Mr. Obama, turn your attention to sexism and tell us how you plan to address it. Then we can all be gracious with a good conscience.
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Honestly if Obama made a speech about feminism would it be enough? Honestly? Wouldn't the reply be that he is only pandering and knows nothing of the struggle of women? Wouldn't it be seen as an affront to feminist that this MAN had the audacity to think that he could simply make a speech and think that he can win us over. I honestly can't see how a speech would help but more likely hurt and further enrage those that will never like him in the first place
A sexism speech by Obama will only backfire! No one will believe him, and yes, it'll further enrage many of us.
Never will I vote for MR PHONY OBAMA!!!
There are serious matters at stake and you're having a tantrum because you didn't get your way?
In my view, what political capital Hillary Clinton had was squandered when her campaign turned ugly and poisonous. Despite that, I and many other Democrats were ready to vote for her because we know that McCain will be a third term Bush. Nevertheless, what horrified me about Clinton was that she began to run her campaign like him--pandering to the right, an increasing hawkishness, a tendency to throw principals overboard because of raw ambition, and a manipulative use of Bill Clinton. If that's feminist, I no longer recognize it.
You claim sexism. But I think an accurate category for voters like you might well be childishism. In other words, GROW UP!
Okey Dokey, hope you or anyone you love never have to deal with a pregnancy that endangers your health cause McBush is going to pack SCOTUS and all of the federal district courts with anti-choic
You know, I would have voted for Hillary if for no other reason that stated above is she had won this race fairly because this election is not about what I want, it's not about my identity, it's not about people that annoy me on the internet..
Thank God you're from NY that's all I have to say.
Obama can't win a lot of us back and in numbers that will affect his margins in November. There is nothing he can say to make up for what his supporters have already said. They are poison and they taint him too. I could never vote for this man. I am not an enabler.
He did nothing to protest his attack machine. He circulated the Olberman hit piece on his website the same time the lying fraud claimed Hilary's Kennedy statement was benign and contextual. Obama is one duplicitous fraud. How on earth could I ever vote for him and how could my Democratic Party sell its soul for so little in return.
You are a liar. His campaign did not circulate Olbermann's special comments on his website. And even if he did, name one thing that Olbermann said which wasn't true.
Dogs who attack our neighbors are not worthy of a biscuit. Maybe some buckshot.
There are so many women of all ages who stand with Obama. As a 41 year old one with two sisters, ages 42 and 47, we could not be happier with a man who treated us all as the high-minded people we are. That is why we campaigned for him in several states. There are so many new voters-of all ages, gender, race, sexual orientation and religion-- who want a new Washington. We will all be there for our Democratic Party and the man who helped reshape it.
Okey dokey. Buh bye.
You are 100% correct. As he continues to campaign, and the gaffs keep mounting up, (i.e. his support for Palestinians vrs. Israel which he has already had to back track on), the Dem. party is going to shake its' collective head and wonder what went wrong. I'm thinking that Hillary Clinton is well aware of his weaknesses, thus the suspension of her campaign rather than the ending of it. We'll see what happens come convention time.
Continued.
ALL OF US ARE VICTIMS in some form or another. And ALL OF US ARE VICTIMIZERS. What we must do, is seek to live by the principles of agency. Whatever sins are committed against us, or ones we commit against others, we must always strive toward justice for everyone - man or woman, black or white or anything else. Refuse to be a victim. Refuse to be a victimizer. Strive toward justice.
Excellent point. It's one that Howard Zinn made in his book 'A People's History of The United States'. The oppressed are more than willing to oppress another group to further their goals...it
These women who refuse to vote for Obama and will vote for McCain are just playing into their hands.
Hillary didn't lose because of sexism. She lost because she ignored the caucus states and by the time she realized this tactical error it was too late. She lost because she spent way to much money on her blood sucking consultant, Mark Penn.
Blaming her loss on sexism puts the cause of women back 20 years. She fought a good fight but she made mistakes.
The comments that the media was piling on are accurate, but not because she is a woman. They started piling on when it was clear that she couldn't win because the math was against her. It was that simple. They started piling on because that is what cable news media does. Reporting the news is boring... shouting the news is much more fun.
What strides have woman made in 20 years that Ms. Clinton returned us to? You have your head in the sand. Reporting the news is boring, slanting it is much more fun.
The one huge mistake Hillary made was running against a once-in-a-
why are you so sure it is your "LAST HOPE"????
I don't get that at all
I think there are many women coming up the pike who will have a great chance of making it to the WH in my lifetime
the truth is, for as much a strength as the NAME was, it was also a lot of baggage.
I think all women should learn from the mistakes that were made and plan to not make those mistakes next time.
Doing it all on one's own and not on the reputation of one's spouse would be helpful.
All agree--Bill was a liability, not an asset. Insight on your part would be helpful.
Yes, women, learn and do not make these mistakes next time. The problem is not that Ms. Clinton made mistakes, it was the lopsided reporting. The very first time I posted here was to protest a headline that read "Chelsea disses dad", when in fact she was simply supporting her mother. Learn women, learn that the world is not fair for you and as long as women refuse to open their eyes to see clearly what is happening around them, it never will be. ERA.
The problem was not lopsided reporting. Stop smoking watever u been smoking. Problem was Ms. Clinton herself.
For women to charge sexism is wrong, did u ever think how ridiclous the charge is? Ms. Clinton got votes from red necks in rural area r u trying to say that the ppl who r educated r more sexist then the one' that are not?
Sexism charge only makes women look bad. Ms. Clinton lost because she is a woman? then how come other contenders lost? all white male. As for media bashing calling them sexist, when James Carville goes on national tv and proclaims abt testicular donation where was ur outrage.
You just proving all the seixsts right, woman can't handle pressure, they will cry they will scream they will behave irrationally, keep on the sexism charge and reinforce the stereotypes.
Last but not least, media always picking on everyones single error or gaffe, we just sensitive to only our issues.
So all media bashers get a life and criticize media for something more substantial like how the heck they can allow Bush & co to still get away with murder.
You were viewing things through tunnel vision. Obama was subjected to that kind of reporting, too. Remember the Rev. Wright? Or his comments about how people are bitter? Both were way overblown. The difference is in how he chose to handle it. He didn't cry "victim." He responded like a mature adult.
Are you telling me the old 'flag lapel pin' brouhaha questioning Obama's patriotism that stayed on a constant loop on the cable news networks was 'fair reporting'?
Hillary is not the only victim of a biased media here. The sexist media is no less racist/xenophobic. Hillary was never called a Muslim terrorist plant that hates America.
Both candidates got it equally from the media, that's what the Republican media does to Democratic candidates. They do not want a Democratic president because they get to merge, go without regulation and screw over the public when a Republican sits in the Oval Office. Don't you get it? They want you to hate Obama and vote for McCain. The very men that insulted Hillary want you to vote Republican.
I knew Joan of Arc. HRC is no Joan of Arc.
I could tell by the haircut
By this one small comment, you have cemented all of Ms. Jong's talking points. The discussion of her haircut.
Ther will always be some sexism. There will always be some racism. There will always be some criminals. There will always be some lying politicians. Ther will always be some elitists, there will always be some ignorant dupes. There will always be some of EVERY kind of insensitive, boorish, inhumane, conscience-less immorality, just in varying degrees. But they will always be available as foils for identity-r
If your radar is tuned to it, you will see it, and it will never go away. You will see it inplaces no one else does, and you will define yourself and, often, everyone else by it. Maybe build a career on it, mabe an entire personal identity.
I would suggest this blog and many of the comments reflect just that: a particular tuning will color everything you see, confirming that your particular axe needs grinding again.
Look up "projection" in the psychological literature.
fairwitness
You make extremely good points, and I agree with you that to a certain point, it's far better to just go head-on and do what you're going to do, and put the blinders on / turn the radar off with regard to slights over age, race, sex, culture, personal attractiveness, etc.
However, maybe it's where I live, or the particular fields in which I've worked, but I find the level of sexism quietly pervasive, and in dire need of legal remedy.
I will vote and support Obama, and I expect an Obama presidency to address these issues in a meaningful and effective way.
It won't take too many directors and CEO's going to jail for sexual discrimination in the workplace, or too many FCC fines and wrist slaps on major networks for indulging in sexual innuendo and gender slurs toward political candidates by "news" reporters to change the atmosphere.
Perhaps it's time for a new push for an Equal Rights Amendment.
Ms. Jong, I urge you to take your own advice. You want sexism to end? Stop practicing it.
I put my mark down for Obama at our caucses not because he was black, nor because he was a he, but simply because of Hillary's votes both for the war and for the Kyl/Lieberman Amendment (which WILL ALLOW our criminal Pres and VP to attack Iran without a formal declaration of war or approval from Congress) were tantamount to having George W Bush sitting in her seat at the time of both extremely critical votes.
Her record was my only concern. The fact that she adopted the political playbook of Karl Rove for the execution of her campaign, only solidified my belief that I had made the right choice.
Obama is much better on women's issues than Hillary. She voted against banning the use of cluster bombs on women and children. She voted to send women and their children to an unnecessary war. She voted to make it harder for working women and unemployed women to declare bankruptcy in the face of overwhelming medical and credit card bills.
Obama wil be the first "woman president.
Your post leaves me speechless.
Why, because you can't fathom that one person (a male) vs. another person (a female) could actually be a more effective advocate for the issues that face us, REGARDLESS of what those issues are?
Do you really believe the sex of the candidate is the MOST important factor in how they will govern, and how WELL they will govern?
I think you are holding onto a notion that defies the realities of the two people in question.
It shouldn't. Poverty and financial struggling is by far the most important women's issue we face. Poverty affects women way more than men. No money, no power. Why do you think that white men specifically work to keep both women and minorities out of their club.
Hillary's vote for that Bankruptcy Bill was a vote against women. Women who are deep in debt because of medical bills and being stuck in low wage jobs. I was deeply disappointed in her for that vote.
Also, don't forget, NARAL endorsed Obama, not Clinton. I agree that Obama is the stronger women's rights candidate. I also think he will pick a female running mate, and her first name will not be Hillary (or Geraldine) .
To hold Hillary up as a symbol to all women who have been wronged by sexism is a slap in the face to all those women (and to the incredible accomplishment of Obama who ran against not one but two people (Bill and Hillary)). HRC lost the nomination because she voted for the war in Iraq (and derided Democrats who voted against it), then waged the meanest and nastiest campaign a democratic nominee ever has (while Obama maintained class and grace during his). Her campaign has never been about women’s rights but Hillary and Hillary alone. HRC wasn’t just ungracious in defeat, she lied (about winning the populate vote) and basically said she was cheated out of the election (so she could manipulate whatever position she wanted to get in the Obama administration). This is the sorest of sore losers and does not represent in any way, shape or form the wonderful women in this great country of ours (or elsewhere for that matter). And by shouting “sexism” every time a woman loses a political battle, I think it makes it harder for the next woman. There WILL be a female president someday very soon. It might be Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer or even Oprah and those women will campaign on the issues of how to make this country the best it can be, instead of focusing on denigrating their fellow Democrat and doing whatever they can to nuke the party unless they get the nomination.
That was so fact-free that it is hard to imagine how you arrived at it.
Wow, you have amazing debating skills!
Now, with less irony: how providing a counter argument if you disagree.
I will NEVER vote for Nancy "Impeachme
Boxer is a fine leader, and yes, I think Oprah would be also. I don't think one has to be a career politiican to be a good leader, and we sure wouldn't have to wonder about lobbyists funding HER campaign !
OPRAH!? You've GOT to be kidding me. Please say you're joking. A person who hawks books and doesn't even do the necessary research to verify the contents? LOL Ummmm, NO!
Don't act so surprised. You'd have to be blind not to notice that sexism is still alive and well in America. It doesn't matter if the office is federal, state, or local, sex is an issue any time there is a woman candidate. Senator Clinton's particular problem, though, was that she miscalculated in pandering to the Right with her pro-war and other more-macho
Hey Erica. Did you hear the news? The DNC will no longer be taking contributions from lobbyists. Hope it cheers you up.
I wish more women would be feminist enough to admit that HRC is a poor example of what a feminist should be. (1) She claims experience based on her husband's resume just like all those women who have rose to power as the the wives of dictators (think Eva Peron); (2) HRC persecuted other women who were mistreated by her husband to retain her own status; and (3) Her campaign was created by the political machine her husband built as repayment for her loyal service to that machine. What is there to mourn in all of this? How about electing a woman who has earned in on her own merits? We have many promininent governors, senators, congress and business women who should be considered. If you want a woman president, go out and groom one for the job just like the men do.
1) She claims experience based on her husband's resume just like all those women who have rose to power as the the wives of dictators
UMMM,
No, if you bothered to do your research you'ld see that she has an impressive resume in her own right. She's worked hard all her life, has been an advocate for women and children all her life., has been involved with the rights of "the least of these" the poor and oppressed all her life.
if you ever bothered to do a rudimentary internet search you could find out just how much she has done. As a voter who wishes to make an informed decision I am sure you did all of this and avoided the far right wingnut neocon inspired and influenced websites, right?
You must be exhausted. Take one of blue pills and lie down with a cold compress.
ohmercy...
"(2) HRC persecuted other women who were mistreated by her husband to retain her own status;"
This is something you know factually?
Where did you find out this information? Can you provide credible sources for these allegations?
Is there some reason Hillary should have been nice to women who had affairs with married men? who had sex with her husband?
Is this the new feminism? Imvite them in for coffee? Gee, I thought she was the one being wronged by bothe her husband AND these women. Persecuted?
Mis treated? Do you mean that having an affair with a married man is his fault alone? Choosing to screw a married man somehow makes you powerless?
Is this the new feminism? Blame the victim and oh, the poor, poor, girl who chose to have sex with the married man.
Her Status?
Seriously?
Don't you do research at all?
Do you know what Clinton was doing before she married Bill?
\Even while she was married to Bill?
What status?
Clinton was breaking ground, making inroads before she even met Bill. She had already done much and anyone who met her and spent time with her believed her to be an intellectual who would "become the first woman President" as the cliche goes. That is how smart she is.
She was in Washington DC sitting on the Nixon Impeachment committee which was pretty radical for a 26 year old woman at the time. Further it was her research that helped force his resignation so he wouldn't face Impeachment.
Status?
She moved from what promised her own very strong political career to Arkansas.
Some would say that she had more status than he did.
Not only that, her HIGH SCHOOL classmates made some VERY prescient predictions about her. Number one would be their prediction that she would be president of the United States of America someday. They were right, in a sense. They couldn't see the contumelious behavior that has dragged her bid down. Hillary Clinton is MUCH bigger than the office of POTUS. She's a DIAMOND!
Hillary was a Goldwater Girl before she met Bill. Hillary was a Republican before she met Bill.
Further. You do her and all women a disservice to make the allegation that she stayed with Bill for anything but love.
It is widely known that they have always been crazy about each other despite his infidelity
Still, if yoiu had an objective thought in your empty, neocon repeating head you would know that Hillary Clinton has never quit anything she started in her entire life and some people actually take their marriage vows seriously.
She has a strong sense of the sacred... again, if you had bothered to do any research, you would know.
(3) Her campaign was created by the political machine her husband built as repayment for her loyal service to that machine.
And again?
Where does this come from? the media, gossip?
Who built "the machine?"
It's quite evident... research rather than relying on the MEME's that the ugly repeat, regurgitate, reswallow and spit out over and over again that the Clinton's have always been a partnership in every sense of the word. It is also thought that she is smarter, more intellectual and has a much stronger grasp on the ins and outs, the nuances of policy. That is saying something since he's brilliant-which even "enemies" admit. For all Bill's charm it's also widely know how at ease and charming she is in private, how engaging and willing to converse on many/any subjects not about HER. Bill on the other hand being a bit narcissistic isn't quite able to match up to her there.
Don't get me wrong, I like Bill but it is the synergy between them that makes them a partnership and I believe made him President. He was intending to be a country lawyer in Arkansas. Their passion/commitment for improving the conditions for others ande correcting injustice fueled and created the "machine" that seems to be so widely condemned now that the dem's have used it up and "groomed" the new kid on the block in order to throw them out.
Good luck with that where Hillary is concerned.
Clinton was a fatally flawed candidate. She ruined here run with the Bosnia gaffe, with her threat to OBLITERATE IRAN, with her vote for Kyl-Lieber
Hey, Louis...
Her remarks about being under fire in Bosnia were ACCURATE- there was a video of it happening that proved her remark to be true.. Those lowlife Republicans, led by Karl Rove, just invented another of their non-stop lies that they've been telling since Bush got in office
...and, let me remind you that the 2000, 2004 and 2006 elections turned up ELECTION FRAUD by the Independant Gov. Accounting Office.
Of course, the Republicans buried that news fast, just like they did the fact that Hillary was exonerated 3 times for charges against her by the Republicans.
Let me point out that the MEDIA IS LARGELY OWNED BY, AND RUN BY REPUBLICANS WHO HAVE BEEN BUSILY SPINNING ANTI-DEMOCRATIC LIES FOR YEARS.
Why is it that the dumbest, most ignorant people constantly run off at the mouth, instead of the smartest, and will jump on any bandwagon coming along at the moment.
Some people believe what they want to believe or what is convenient for them to believe. I happen to agree with EVERYthing you said. I was in the military and I know VIP protocol. However, I've never been briefed on VIP protocol in a FORWARD AREA. Yet, it's people fresh out of high school who seem to know everything about it.
That is correct. And NOW for a change, that spin machine will turn it's full attention to Obama. Let's sit back and see how HIS supporters like if for a change.
Hey, anon...
How about you post a link to that video for us. I have not yet seen a video of Hillary Clinton being shot at on a runway and would very much like to see what the truth is.
If that's true then why didn't Hillary's camp deny instead of saying "She misspoke".
There were witnesses you forget - Sinbad, Sheryl Crow...the
Obama has behaved so well towards Clinton that you, Erica, have no right to complain about anything - least of all gender bias. Clinton is being treated extremely well considering how poorly she behaved in the campaign. And by complaining just because the woman didn't win in a fair fight, you are being sexist in a gracious world.
Let me get this straight. Obama won because of the media. Hillary lost because she's a woman. Not congratulating the opponent's win is not shameful.
Here's the deal. Hillary lost because she ran an awful campaign, didn't foresee the importance of caucuses, didn't spend her money wisely, rested on her experience????, and is married to a man who did everything he could to vitiate any real chance of Hillary winning.
Obama won because he ran an excellent campaign, spent his money wisely, went for the grassroots, inspired the best in us, stayed on message, and did not attempt to emasculate the opponent.
As a feminist, I am angry that Hillary is even suggested to be one. Her pathetic constancy to a philandering, patronizing, self-absorbed man helped to do her in as well as her embrace of the dubious money mongering she and her husband pursued the last seven years.
No, you are not getting that straight at all. Read it again. I would love to see where it says Obama won because of the media or Hillary lost because she's a woman.
I think you're being disengenous. Where does "it" say Obama won because of the media or Hillary lost because she's a woman ? One need only look at the many blogs and comments in the Huffington Post.
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