Being Gracious in a Sexist World

I didn't know it would feel this bad. I didn't know it would feel this personal. I'm all for a united Democratic party. But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit. And the gloating by the press is even worse. It sounds like "I told you so." It feels like watching Joan of Arc burned at the stake. You can smell the burning flesh. And then all the crowing about breaking the race barrier -- which we haven't done yet.

A primary is not a general election. The people who vote in primaries are more sophisticated than the general run of voters. I hope Obama will be our next president. But I can't watch his triumph without a fearful foreboding. He is not the first charismatic leader we've produced and he won't be the last. But our country is very good at taking down the best and the brightest. Those of us who lived through the unspeakable violence of the sixties can attest to that.

I want to be wrong about violence. I hate the role of Cassandra. I want to believe that America has moved beyond violence and racism and maybe we have. But I thought we had moved beyond sexism, and this campaign proved me wrong. The petty woman-hating jibes, the ageism, and the physical mockery have not been easy to watch. The only good thing about the defeat of Hillary Clinton may be a resurgence of feminism, an understanding that we haven't yet killed misogyny and that we have work to do.

"It's not sexism -- it's her" seems to have replaced, "I'm not a feminist, but" in our national lexicon. This is not to imply that Hillary Clinton is faultless -- far from it. But it's clear that the faults we tolerate and even overlook in men, we see as glaring in women. The problem with sexism is that it's so damned invisible. McCain can confuse Sunnis and Shiites and nobody blinks. Bush can admit to his press secretary that he outed a secret agent while claiming that he'd fire any aide who did so -- and the press sleeps. Men make mistakes. Women are not allowed to. We are held to such high and impossible standards that the possibility of any woman penetrating the barrier again seems remote.

My best friend tells me that Hillary should have been gracious last night. Barack Obama was gracious. But isn't gratitude the prerogative of the winner? Will women ever be winners? And if so, when?

Sexism is hard to see because most of it is so petty we don't want to mention it. Nutcracker thighs? A novelty like that seems beneath contempt. But it isn't one small offense that does women in -- it's the steady accretion of many offenses. It's death by a thousand cuts.
Even mentioning the problem seems ungracious. As women, we're supposed to specialize in graciousness. And there isn't a gracious way to talk about sexism. Perhaps there is no way to talk about sexism at all -- which is the way sexists want it.

I will work my tail off for President Obama. We need a Democratic in the White House more than ever. But I can't help feeling that we've buried a topic that needs unearthing. Please, Mr. Obama, turn your attention to sexism and tell us how you plan to address it. Then we can all be gracious with a good conscience.

Related:
Read more from Huffington Post bloggers on Barack Obama clinching the Democratic nomination for president

Comments

[bbrecht]

If Obama had lost I would feel the same way. What I have a problem with is that Clinton has an obligation to her supporters to be honest about her standing in the race. What she did Tuesday night was to continue to mislead them about the popular vote and to cast shadows on Obama's very large accomplishment.

I think too many women see Hillary as a symbol. She's not a symbol. She's a woman, a person, a human being. She does not represent all women or our best hope at anything. She made a run for it. She ran far despite her flawed campaign. Yes, there was sexism. Yes, there was racism. But still new ground was broken-- and I think a lot of women will be encouraged to go into politics, whether or not they admire Clinton, because maybe just maybe they see the possibility.

Obama ran a better campaign-- he spoke better to the "urgency of the moment;" he was consistent and stayed on message, and his campaign was organized brilliantly. The fact that this young man beat someone was entrenched in the political system as Clinton is a testimony to what a strong campaign he ran, and also to the mood of the country for change. He ran on change and hope, she ran on experience. Hope and change won. This was never about whether a black man or a white woman should be president-- it was about who could run a better campaign.

[Dakini9]

Urgency of the moment? He's leading a movement?

Port a Potties R US anyone?

Oh, by the way , GWBush ran a better campaign than Al Gore.

[laurelnyc]

hehe...I agree ;-)

yes, wouldn't we have preferred the more experienced (yet somewhat boring) and less organized Al Gore? I prefer brains to charm!

[sand252]

I am confused. How is this your last chance to see a woman in the White House? I don't understand why women weren't happy and proud that she was a hands on agressive First Lady, a senator and that when she wins the presidency, it will be because it was her time. I also don't understand why we are fighting sexism and racism in an election -- that should be the last things discussed when this election means everything. When things are so bad in this country, it doesn't matter how much sexism and racism the candidates encountered when there is a war that the other party wishes to continue, an economy that is crippling average Americans and the other party is indifferent and the persons experiencing sexism and racism have already broken barriers, are members of a privileged class and despite sexism and racism, they have accomplished much. Lastly, why do women discuss sexism alone when Obama had to confront racism. I am a black woman, and I was deeply saddened by all that occurred during this nomination process . . . it is proper to address sexism and racism, but we cannot battle them as a problem during the presidential race. We should battle these issues and confront fears and stereotypes and protect those who are in a position not to protect themselves. These candidates also benefitted from the sexism and racism that occurred. So, I understand your dismay, but please . . . think about what I

[dill]

How many times must it be said before Hillary supporters "get" it? Though most Obama supporters worked hard and contributed to his campaign, there was no "hate" for Hillary until she started using her Rove tactics when she found herself falling behind. And let it be said that there are many, many older females who supported Obama and were appalled by the way Hillary conducted her "kitchen sink" campaign.

Hillary's loss had nothing to do with "sexism", which is the excuse many women revert to when they fail because of their own short comings, and everything about integrity, character, self-respect, respect for your opponent, and playing fairly.

For an uplifting view of what true character is, read today's New York Times op-ed page where three of Robert Kennedy's children remember their father.

[Dakini9]

Hey Dill - Obama's guy, David Axelrod, has been the one most appropriately
called "Karl Rove on steroids".

Obama's so called character is a sham. You've been had. He lets
his vicious surrogates do his dirty work while he appears to take the
high road.

Do you "get" that?

[UTMark]

Dakini9: You give no specifics what-so-ever. What "dirty work" are you referring to? What has Axelrod done that's remotely like Karl Rove? Your post is a bunch of empty assertions. There's nothing to "get".

[presto]

I'd love to hear what you think of as a "Rove tactic" and what exactly the "kitchen sink" consisted of. Most of it was manufactered and Obama gave as good as he got.

I do not hear anyone using sexism as an excuse. Pointing out that it exists is not an excuse, it is truth. That was a really ugly paragraph.

[Sneakerface]

for more about Hillary's "Rove tactics," try Chris Weigant's blog in here in HuffPost on 1/23/08 , or the Washington Post blog "Clinton: The Rove Candidate of 2008" by Peter Baker on 8/14/07, or Paul Waldman's "The Republican Democrat" in American Prospect also from 1/23/08.

[rwferr]

What is gonna feel really bad is when Obama loses.

[zbearlady]

Part 2:

I used to like Hillary. I liked her because of her strength -because of her seemingly fearless & unwavering ability to speak her mind. I believed her to be a strong woman.

But over these long months, I haven't witnessed her strength -at least not the strength that truly comes from within. Instead, I've seen a woman who is desperate -one who schemes & manipulates to accumulate strength from 'without'. I've seen a person who cheats, slanders & controls. And I've witnessed the lowest form of desperation, as she radically shifts her positions, 'truths' & beliefs simply to win the approval of others.

So I ask you…how are these the actions of a strong, feminist woman?

In Hillary, I don't see a woman of integrity or ethics. I see someone who'll quickly abandon all morals simply to serve her own ego-agenda. I've witnessed someone who would do anything to discredit her opponent -even conjuring up horribly deceptive accusations, smears & unthinkable insinuations...and then not having the dignity & grace to own up to her mistakes with humility and/or appropriate acts of contrition.

When it comes to voting for someone, I will always vote for the person who most closely represents the core values & beliefs that are most important to me. Whether it be, ‘man, woman, black or white,’ what matters most is the person...& the true quality & ethical foundation of their character.

And when I compare the actions of Barack and Hillary, Obama soars high above

[sandyz64]

Bravo! I completely agree with you. I have been an Obama fan since South Carolina.

[Dakini9]

Obama lets others do his dirty work while he appears to take the high road.

You need to do a little research on your guy. He's a fake with his Alfred
E. Newman grin

[UTMark]

Once again, no specifics at all. Your statement that someone else needs to do a little research is a joke, right? You're being ironic, right?

[presto]

You are pretty much awash in bias. You are accusing Hillary of things that are simply not true. Research does not consist of reading Huffpo or watching MSNBC. It involves knowing how to figure out what is true and what is spin. You are spinning wildly.

[BillyT]

Well Erica she lost it herself. Her campaign falling apart was not the result of any sexism. Her campaign being run horribly was apparent long ago, so you really had @ 3 months to get used to this result.

[Horst]

Not to mention she owed her political status to her husband...not exactly in the same feminist mold as, say Angela Merkel or Margaret Thatcher....

[presto]

Had she not married Bill Clinton, she would have been president years ago.

[cynicalidealist]

I respect your opinion, and honor your accomplishments, Erica. This campaign represents three steps forward, one backward. Please see that racism and sexism are linked. I made my decision on the base of Clinton the Candidate, not because of any issue I had of her womanhood. When she didn't stand up for Obama in response to smears on 60 Minutes AND didn't take that opportunity to ask "What's so wrong with being a Muslim?" When Bob Johnson went off the third rail. When Bill Clinton repeatedly attempted to refocus the campaign on race. And speaking of feminism - please explain Gerry Ferraro to us. She was a terrible, terrible expression of ignorance. I can't imagine what she thinks of us gay people.

CI

[presto]

Actually, she did ask what was wrong with being a Muslim. That interview was so mischaracterized that it is hard to believe anyone actually watched the whole thing.

[LAR1969]

Quote: "Will women ever be winners? And if so, when?"

Will women ever be winners? Are you kidding me?

To ignore or dismiss the many, many women who succeed each and every day is short-sighted on your part and reveals the kind of tunnel vision that does nothing to help your cause.

And let me add that many of us don't have 17 million people backing us when we walk into a job interview, yet we still get hired. Amazing, huh?

But it looks like women who win don't fit neatly into your bogus argument.

[natsal]

"But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit. "

Why is this the last chance? There are plenty of talented woman in politics today and I would rather see a woman who makes it on her own than one who got her start by riding her husbands coattails.

[campgranata]

start AND finish

[presto]

She said HER last chance. Many older women feel that way. Particularly those who were born before women could vote - this was surely their last chance.

[prof92506]

I respect that aspiration. But I think it's somewhat troubling that you would vote for a woman, even one that doesn't truly represent feminist ideals, just to see a woman in the White house.

[headhuntermi]

I keep hearing about Hillary as this wonderful icon for women. As a parent, if I watched my daughter (or son for that matter) exhibit the same "end justifies the means" behavior that HC has displayed in this campaign I would be appalled.

Since when did it become OK for any candidate to lie, refuse to admit mistakes, practice defamation and innuendo...well, I guess since January 20, 2001. If our candidates cannot behave differently than those we are trying to replace then what difference does it make???

Much of the treatment HC received was unfair...as was Obamas, John Kerry's, Michael Dukakis, et al. Of course sexism still exists and needs to be fought, as does racism, but not holding HC accountable for her actions because she is a woman is NOT fighting sexism!

[Trollstakeyourmeds]

And I might say, if I ever heard of my two sons speaking to anyone, or in this case blogging to anyone, many of the obscene and disrespectful things I have seen on here directed toward Clinton supporters, I would have two dead sons. You people are unbelievable. And even when begged by your own candidate to work to heal the party, you continue to insult Senator Clinton at every opportunity. You guys aren't very quick learners, are you. See one of the other threads on here about "needing her female supporters to get elected".

[christianhypocrites]

This is a great example of the cognitive dissidence that exists between Hillary supporters and Obama supporters.

First, headhuntermi starts by complaining about Hillary Clinton's personal behavior in the campaign.
Second, Trollstakeyourmeds responds by complaining about Barack Obama's supporters.

Trollstakeyourmeds: you are not involved in the same argument as headhuntermi. If you want to respond to headhuntermi, you should examine the remarks of Obama and his paid staff and put those up against the remarks of Hillary and her paid staff.

Supporters of both Obama and Hillary can be extremely shrill, angry, and demeaning, but they are only supporters. What do you think Obama supporters think of those women at the DNC meeting last week? And those are REAL WORLD supporters! They are way more committed to their anger than random anonymous-internet-posting Obama supporters!

If you really pick your politicians based on what kind of @ssholes support them, I am sorry. The world is full of @ssholes: just read the posts at hillaryis44.org.

[Key]

Hillary is a Clinton first. If she were a woman first or a Democrat first or an American first she might be in Obama's position right now.

[bobbuck]

My sentiments exactly...well said.
It would be interesting for someone to list all the 'bad' things Obama said about Clinton and all the 'bad' things Clinton said about Obama during this nomination campaign.
I can tell you right now, Clinton would finally win something by at least 10 to 1.

I can't for the life of me see why Clinton isn't forced to concede defeat imediately and say sorry to her supporters, Obama's supporters, Obama himself and The Democratic Party.

You know, she's right, it is sexist...if she were a he, she would have been disenfranchised from the party, no doubt about it. Now that's SEXIST

[randomx6]

If she were a 60 year old he, this man knows she would now be the nominee!

[Dakini9]

What are you talking about! FORCED? By whom?

You are one of those who are trying to break her spirit. You
will never do so, nor will you break mine.

And if she doesn't stand in Obama's path any longer then I will
do so.

YOU WILL NOT BREAK OUR SPIRIT

[presto]

Now that is something I did not know. How did you find out?

[Producer1]

I'm not the one running. Anyone who is running has wrapped themselves in a package for our consideration and yes, it is the apropriate word in that context as it applies to all candidates.

[Jovlaan]

This is without a doubt one of the best posts I've ever read on Huff Post. Erica Jong has taken my feelings and I'm sure the feelings of many more and put them in print. I have felt from the beginning that Hillary Haters were an evil force in this election. Coming from the Repugs so many years before in their battle against the Clintons and taken up by the Media and late night talk show slime of the present, and by taking a look at the comments to this post, by many of the Obamamits. Hillay Clinton is the finest example of what a great American President could have been.

[artsandminds]

You certainly have the right to your opinion, but I would love to know by what measure Clinton would be such a “great American President - was it her pandering (her holiday on the gas tax), her portrayal of Obama as an elitist (or for as a Muslim), or maybe her lies about Bosnia. If Clinton was such a great person, why when it was time for the brave to stand up to a warmongering president, she signed on to give him the power to fight his disastrous war? I see Clinton supporters constantly making claims they don’t back up with facts, “the media was sexist”, “Obama and his supporters are sexist”, the whole world is sexist…Stop blaming everyone else, her divisiveness, pandering (come on, her doing shots…please, so Bush-like), manipulation of the press…. All things we have become to associate with bush, we now get with our own Democratic candidate, but NOT ANYMORE! So instead of just making blanket claims of sexism, give some freaking examples, just saying it does not make it so, no matter how many times you scream it, BUSH!

[presto]

Who's screaming?

[Leota2]

Ms. Jong, I don't believe you truly want sexism addressed as you want someone
punished for Hillary not being all she COULD have been.

I am a feminist and was sickened by Clinton's manipulating the women's
movement for her own devices.

Hillary Clinton did not lose because she is a woman. She lost
because she let--excuse me--her mail advisors blow her campaign up
talking about inevitability with no plan after February.

Why didn't Ms. Clinton speak about sexism like Obama did racism?
The answer--because she only dragged sexism out when it suited her.
But that is not to say there wasn't sexism in the media.
Why must Obama make her feel good about pundits who were haters?
Funny--she didn't refuse the votes of racists in KY & WV & PA. SHE should have
made a speech about how truly abhorrent she found it. But did she?

Funny though--you still want Obama to be subservient to her needs. Interesting,
because I really believe you are still thinking about Clinton in general and your
sisters---not so much.

Hillary is and always will be quite self serving and definitely NOT a feminist.
But I applaud that you are a true Dem and shall go on . . . .

[laurelnyc]

uh, Obama dragged racism out to cover his butt since he was in trouble politically. he is NO SAINT!!!! he has dragged out race issues whenever it suited him politically.

[Jezzbo]

Ms Jong,

You say "But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit." That's the kind of thinking that reminds me of something Whoopie Goldberg once said in one of her comedy shows. Imploring blacks not to vote for black candidates because they are black, she went on to say "white people have been doing that for years and look what it's got us."

Vote for a candidate because it's what our country needs, not because they are black, green, purple, man, woman, gay, straight.

[gramofsam1]

Gee Erica, sorry you're so annoyed with "all the crowing about breaking the race barrier". Some of us find it pretty inspiring.

[artsandminds]

Amen

[Myshkin57]

Let's have a little perspective, too.

There are CURRENTLY SIXTEEN female senators. There have been THREE black senators SINCE RECONSTRUCTION.

[Syco]

damn i dont like those odds