Being Gracious in a Sexist World

I didn't know it would feel this bad. I didn't know it would feel this personal. I'm all for a united Democratic party. But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit. And the gloating by the press is even worse. It sounds like "I told you so." It feels like watching Joan of Arc burned at the stake. You can smell the burning flesh. And then all the crowing about breaking the race barrier -- which we haven't done yet.

A primary is not a general election. The people who vote in primaries are more sophisticated than the general run of voters. I hope Obama will be our next president. But I can't watch his triumph without a fearful foreboding. He is not the first charismatic leader we've produced and he won't be the last. But our country is very good at taking down the best and the brightest. Those of us who lived through the unspeakable violence of the sixties can attest to that.

I want to be wrong about violence. I hate the role of Cassandra. I want to believe that America has moved beyond violence and racism and maybe we have. But I thought we had moved beyond sexism, and this campaign proved me wrong. The petty woman-hating jibes, the ageism, and the physical mockery have not been easy to watch. The only good thing about the defeat of Hillary Clinton may be a resurgence of feminism, an understanding that we haven't yet killed misogyny and that we have work to do.

"It's not sexism -- it's her" seems to have replaced, "I'm not a feminist, but" in our national lexicon. This is not to imply that Hillary Clinton is faultless -- far from it. But it's clear that the faults we tolerate and even overlook in men, we see as glaring in women. The problem with sexism is that it's so damned invisible. McCain can confuse Sunnis and Shiites and nobody blinks. Bush can admit to his press secretary that he outed a secret agent while claiming that he'd fire any aide who did so -- and the press sleeps. Men make mistakes. Women are not allowed to. We are held to such high and impossible standards that the possibility of any woman penetrating the barrier again seems remote.

My best friend tells me that Hillary should have been gracious last night. Barack Obama was gracious. But isn't gratitude the prerogative of the winner? Will women ever be winners? And if so, when?

Sexism is hard to see because most of it is so petty we don't want to mention it. Nutcracker thighs? A novelty like that seems beneath contempt. But it isn't one small offense that does women in -- it's the steady accretion of many offenses. It's death by a thousand cuts.
Even mentioning the problem seems ungracious. As women, we're supposed to specialize in graciousness. And there isn't a gracious way to talk about sexism. Perhaps there is no way to talk about sexism at all -- which is the way sexists want it.

I will work my tail off for President Obama. We need a Democratic in the White House more than ever. But I can't help feeling that we've buried a topic that needs unearthing. Please, Mr. Obama, turn your attention to sexism and tell us how you plan to address it. Then we can all be gracious with a good conscience.

Related:
Read more from Huffington Post bloggers on Barack Obama clinching the Democratic nomination for president

Comments

[PhDiva]

Erica: I am a Black woman and a feminist. One of the things that has been so disappointing in this primary process is how white women assume that women of color do not exist, that we are invisible, and fail to recognize the simultaneous experience of racism and sexism of our daily lives. Racism and sexism are both daily struggles, White people do not want to address race any more than men want to discuss gender. This competition between racism and sexism eliminates women of color and our experiences and degrades the feminist movement. Why can't Hillary supporters focus on the well being of ALL women, especially the reproductive rights of all women, and not just white women and not just ONE woman's disappointed ambitions?

[mcfried]

Don't generalize - Obama has white women supporters - lumping people together like that is part of the problem. Also last time I checked Clinton had some black women supporters - Stephanie tubbs Jones who helped her win Ohio. Your rant is sad because I think you are buying the Clinton spin. For the record I am a white woman, My mother and every women I know regardless of color supports Obama. So there goes your argument - One of those woman - for the record is a huge womens rights activist in NY - She said not voting for Clinton was the hardest thing she ever had to do but after Clinton misrepresented Obama's position on reproductive rights she just couldn't support her. The point of that story is that a lot of women are fighting for women it is not a black white thing - She wanted a woman president, she is in her 60's and this was a chance, but in the end she couldn't do. My point is the feelings against Obama by a lot of these women are based on a long held desire being in their minds "taken from them" . It is not rational, but it is painful - just like my friend who despite knowing she did the right thing voting for Obama, found it painful. There are those who do not see her flaws and are devastated by the fact that she didn't win.

[lunadove]

Great post!
I am a white women and I have wondered what this must seem to black women. I always thought it seemed a bit of twisted logic.
There are plenty of us whites, though, who want to discuss race and enjoy he sharing of cultures, and have a deep respect for all life, it is amazing afterall.
You must be referring to the whites who are threatened by any people of any race or color, or men who are threatened by any woman, due to severe personal short-comings. These people would rather indulge in trying to control people than trying to understand people. Then they breed, and teach their kids the same.

[clevelandchick]

I'm white, I'm over 35 and I supported Obama. Had nothing to do with gender or race. I was actually an Edwards supporter for his cause of populism and poverty. But when he dropped out I had some time to research and decide. I didn't like her vote for the Bankruptcy Bill (Obama voted against), I did not like her vote on Kyl-Lieberman (Obama voted against) and so on. Then of course there was that infamous 3AM ad, it reminded me of Neocon fearmongering.

Finally I read that one of Hillary's high level campaign volunteers who was a former chair for NARAL dropped out and supported Obama because Hillary's campaign passed out fliers lying about Obama's record on choice. That pissed me off, you don't eff with the cause to further yourself politically. Women need every pro-choice candidate they can get.

It actually pained me a bit at first when I realized that Hillary was really not the progressive I had originally thought. I would have like to vote for a woman, but she did not tack with my ideals. I'm not about to vote for a woman solely based on shared gender.

[Bub]

Disclaimer: I'm a white, 48 year old male.

I have to say that I find almost all of what you say as offensive. Not as a white 48 year old male. I find it offensive to disassociate and disrespect the significance of Obama's accomplishment and his possibility.

You assume that Obama can't win in an America you assume to be too racists. You assume that your candidate, Hillary Clinton, could win despite massive negatives that have yet to peak.

But here's is where I am offended. Almost anything you can say about the difficulties for women are multiplied times three for blacks. To dismiss their head wind to yours is incredibly myopic on your part. I fully expect a women to be black in my lifetime and yours. Look how many women are representatives, senators and governors then look at how many blacks there are in the same roles. That's where you offend me.

[GwenElle]

Thank you Bub for this post. As an African American female I have been offended, enraged even, by the outcries of what I perceive to be privileged white women whining about their lost dream to see a woman (read white woman) in the White House in their lifetime. How and why a woman in the White House became such an all-consuming dream for these Hillaryites has been lost of me.

At least Ms Jong has a lost dream to mourn. Martin Luther King aside, I have never even conceived it possible that a black man or woman could occupy the White House in my lifetime. Thus, no dream was ever born to die. And maybe this dissonance explains much. What people are able to conceive as possible for themselves or others who *look like them* is in some way a definition of privilege. Is it not?

[csepwede]

I think the difference is that we, black people, never expect to win. So this came as a surprise to us!

[Flynnstone73]

Well said.

[artsandminds]

Thank you! I too am a white American male, and from a very large family, where the women, have done every bit as well as the men, my dad is a Judge in DC and my mom is a Doc. Growing up in DC and moving around this country, one thing is for sure, African Americans have often been left behind, weather you see this as their problem or as ours, it is a fact. There are not 1 million white women crowding our jails. I was on a train ride recently, where I struck up a conversation with a female passenger next to me, he was a chemist at Dows chemical. During our discussion she made the claim that women had huge hurtles men did not have to face, but she could not back up her claim with specific reasons why it was more like it was a “feeling” she had. And there in lays the problem, someone believes everything is about their gender, everything becomes about their gender. Of course I am not saying sexism does not exist, but what is truly sexist and what is simply, in Clinton’s case politics, it is no less sexist to vote for someone simply because she is a woman, than it is to vote against her for the same reason, you can’t have it both ways, though it seems that is the way some want it.

[jfor]

America does not want to replace Bush with Clinton. End of story. Time to move on. I heard less bitching when bush got re elected than I hear about Obama's nomination. Hillary would have been the biggest mistake feminists ever made because at the end of the day Hillary is only for herself.

[McPander]

I would be amazed if women vote for McCain...he is probably the second most sexist man to ever seek the presidency His antics are will known and his disrespect for his wife, go figure.....but then again the most sexist man ever to run was Bill Clinton

[laurelnyc]

Women don't need to vote for McCain for Obama to lose...all they have to do is sit out the election, which many will. Obama's camp already told us that he's bringing in so many new people to the Dem party that they will not need us in the GE. Donna Brazile said so herself on CNN so please stop complaining! Everyone is entitled to vote for whomever they believe in and they have the right to sit out the election if they don't believe in either candidate, which is the case for many of us.

[prof92506]

Well, then, do what you think you have to do--even if that means doing nothing. Just please stop whining.

[Rendon76]

Woman pride, I don't get it. It's like George Carlin says, I don't understand how people take pride in something they had no control in attaining. I'm proud to be Italian or I'm proud to be black. It doesn't take any kind of skill to be Italian, black, or a woman for that matter so it's kind of silly to take pride in something that was genetic chance.

[artsandminds]

very well said.

[Keo]

Obama represents the sacred feminine better than Hillary. While she spoke for eighteen months straight about being "tough," engaged in "one-upmanship" every chance she got, and seemingly invoked the archetype of the scolding mother, Obama maintained an attitude of open-heartedness and grace. And, she represents the same old tired political dogma. Obama represents something new, fresh, and hopeful. That's why he won and she didn't. I can understand why women may be disappointed by the outcome , but the truth is that Obama represents feminine principles at least as well as Hillary does, and women's issues and interests will be well-represented by Obama. Women should also remember that, while Hillary isn't the nominee, she absolutely busted loose whatever shackles might have existed on women in the political world and proved that the country would be more than happy to accept a woman president, should she be deemed the best person for the job.

[Sneakerface]

Well, said. And to add to this idea, Obama has one great quality that has often been thought to be more often (though certainly not exclusively) a feminine trait : the ability to show empathy, and see things from the other person's point of view (even when not always agreeing). Actually, Bill Clinton had this as well - one of his most famous sayings was "I feel your pain," and that is important. It seems to me that Hillary often tried to hard to "compensate" for her gender, or people's wrong perception of what her gender should mean, by being hawkish and "showing she can be tough" - in some instances when that was not really what is called for - like when she talked about "obliterating" Iran. Of coure there are times when a leader and commander in chief must be tough - she just picked some inappropriate times to try to portray this. And I wish that when one of her supporters made a sexist comment - about her having "testicular fortitude" - that is when she really should've had something to say about sexism !

[TXOBAMAGIRL73]

Most of this crowd loves the sexism argurment ...Because it justifies other biases...But this argument doesn't hold water ...Barack hasn't remotely done anything that would add credence to assumption that he is a sexiest ..The only thing he did and he really didn't have any control over is to be born male and run successful campaign against the so call women champ...But the man she has choosen to standby is more of a sexiest...He uses women because he can and she's still with him ..She can't have it both way ,want to be treated like one of the boys and when she is get mad and cry sexism...Equivalent to crying wolf

[Sneakerface]

I generally agreee with you, TXOBAMAGIRL73... though for argument's sake Obama calling a reporter "sweetie" looked pretty bad, and was a foot-in-mouth moment. but apologized right away -- another thing that has seemed a TERRIBLY difficult for Clinton has been to apologize or admit mistakes, and this has contributed to her downfall . But people have been to quick to infer sexism - and racism - during this campaign, especially when things have come out of both politicians' (and supporters' ) mouths that have sounded insensitive. Though it has not been 'make or break' in the Clinton campaign, I do thing there have been some significant moments of sexism, though not from the Obama campaign, rather from the media. IMO, the biggest expression of sexism that Clinton faced this campaign season was her "emotional" moment - I'm not even gonna say she was crying, because in actuality her eyes welled up a little but she didn't in fact cry. But the response to this was so unfair and hypocritical - first, that this was just "calculating" because there had been talk around that time that she wasn't emotional ENOUGH - but THEN there were the assinine questions about 'how can she be a leader if she's gonna break down and cry all the time" - this just 2 or 3 weeks after Mitt Romney was crying on Meet the Press - literally crying, and over a hypothetical situation, no less - and NO ONE said anything remotely questioning whether he

[Brettster]

oh and to act like she shouldn't be gracious is absolutely sickening. You should be ashamed of yourself. After all she has done every single day to try and absolutely ruin a good, decent man and a great Democratic leader, you're saying that she shouldn't have to be gracious because she's a woman and we should just pity her? She has taken it upon herself to run the nastiest, most negative, most Orwellian, blatantly Rovian campaign we have ever seen from a Democratic candidate ever. She has stayed in this race desperately trying to divide the electorate and polarize people against Obama based on racial lines, sabotaging his chances in '08 at every turn, when she hasn't stood any mathematical chance for months. And she can't even be a little gracious now? Shameful.

[artsandminds]

"Brettster" your comment is one of the most accurate and well articulated comments I have ever read on Huffpost, thanks.

[sandyz64]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Brettster]

This whole "Clinton is a victim" sentiment is so nauseating. She got beat against all odds, not because she's a woman, but because she's a hyper-political shrew obsessed with dividing and conquering and not principles. Politicians are put up to the harshest of criticism. Just because she gets it too doesn't mean that all of a sudden it's a sexist thing. That's such a cop-out. She was a horrible representation of women anyway. The idea that if we don't vote for any woman, then we're a sexist country is absurd. She's the wrong woman, she's a sell-out. She doesn't need your sympathy or your empathy. She is one of the most powerful people in the country already. Take off your feminist goggles and just evaluate her as a person, and she's rather disgusting. It seems like these feminist Clinton partisans aren't even attempting at looking at things on an equal playing field. The women who exert their independence and vote purely with their intelligent analysis are the real women.

[Bub]

Well put.

And to add..., the measure by which she lost, was still, narrow. That measure by which she lost is equal to her position on the Iraq war. That position was crass at best. It was political maneuvering. Meanwhile, the people expect more of their elites on fundamental questions, such as going to war when war is a choice. Seldom is it a good idea to choose war when one can choose not to go to war.

The people that rolled up their sleeves and won the election for Obama, were the same ones most affected by Hillary's decision to go to war: the young people. They are the ones that must do most of the fighting and dying and paying for that war.

So, in the end, Hillary didn't lose because she was a women. She lost because she made a very bad political calculation - one that defied common sense and common decency.

[Brettster]

You're right, her support for the war cannot be overstated as her achilles heel from the start. However, that support wasn't just one bad decision, it perfectly exemplifies her approach to nearly everything she does. Sell-out to pressure for short term political gain.

[ghop]

Well, who are you going to vote for, hmmm?

You can vote for the Green Cynthia McKinney - far more left wing than Obama, but she has a vagina. If that's the most important criteria, the vagina clinches it for her.

You can vote Libertarian Bob Barr- crazy right-wing, but anti-government if that floats your boat.

You can vote Republican John McCain - the charming man who famously told the following joke:
"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?"
"Because Janet Reno is her father"

Har-dee-fr­ickin-har, wonder why your nickname was "McNasty".

Oh McCain - you wacky "feminist" you! So many angry Hillary supporters LOOOVE you because you're so "respectful" to their candidate. Just not her daughter. Or Janet Reno. Or women who don't meet your standard of beauty, but whatever.

You'll also have to try to forget that he also called his wife a c*nt in front of reporters. Yeah - he's all about respecting women. Yeesh.

Or you could vote for the supposed anti-Christ Obama. Sure, he and Hillary are almost identical on the issues, but he's bad. Bad, bad, bad. Not based on the issues, but he's too young, too smug, to male.

Or you could stay home - but how does disenfranchising yourself gibe with all the anger over disenfranchisement in MI anf FL? The cognitive dissonance would drive you crazy.

How will you decide?

[ghop]

Here's the links for the McCain quotes:
http://news.aol.com/political-machine/2008/02/19/mccain-why-is-chelsea-clinton-so-ugly/
http://rawstory.com/news/2008/McCain_temper_boiled_over_in_92_0407.html

[knighthowl]

Don't be an ass. She clearly stated that she will vote for Obama.

[artsandminds]

Thanks, very well said, it may or may not apply only to this post, but it certainly applies to many others I have read on here today, that is to say, people saying they will vote for McCain over Obama...

[ohmercy]

ERICAAAA!
Great article.
I can't comment properly now, I can't see straight now.

Gawd I wish I could talk to you.
Yeah, me and how many others, LOL.

there is a mythical element here woman.

gonna read again tomorrow.
so late.
night.

[AdamX]

"But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit."

You are a rabid sexist. Any reason why you hate men so much?

[Kingbreaker]

What's happening here is that Jong cannot see something important.

She writes "But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit."

Most people, not blinded by identity politics, would be more sympathetic if she had written "But losing my last chance to see a HILLARY CLINTON in the White House feels like shit." But of course, that would be unlikely because Clinton is not a superior candidate to Obama by any standard except for the nebulous "35 years" standard. And if that is one's measurement of a good candidate, then the logical thing to do is to vote for McCain. Hillary lost on her own merits. Isn't feminism about being judged on one's merits and not on one's anatomy?

I voted in North Carolina, the state that arguably ended the race in any meaningful way. I was proud to vote for Obama. I was also proud to vote for Kay Hagan (Running to unseat Elizabeth Dole) and Bev Purdue (running to replace Mike Easley for governor). Probably 90% of Obama supporters in NC voted as I did.

[Bettysdad]

Maybe you supported the wrong woman. A woman that pins her candidacy on her gender is asking for the worst impulses to be made public. I've voted for loads of women in my life; no way in hell I'd vote for Hillary. It wasn't sexism; it was the candidate.

[JohnMayer]

shengirl said: “... do you supposed Thatcher [and Bhutto and Meir and Gandhi] were too busy being actual, effective politicians and leaders, too busy to dwell on and whine about what sexism they probably experienced...?”

They didn’t have to campaign in sexist America, where we STILL don’t have an equal rights amendment, now did they? In fact, these examples point up how far behind the US is in equality for women. Just as we are in universal healthcare. Which, btw, Hillary should be applauded for taking the lead on, not condemned because she couldn’t single-handedly overcome the might of the medical and insurance lobbies.

I don’t know that Hillary has complained of the sexism she’s had to deal with; others have complained for her. It was so rampant that it could not escape comment. And, yes, Ms. Clinton WAS wrong on the war; nobody’s perfect. But so was Obama, once he actually got into office; his votes were identical to hers.

And accusing her and Bill of racism? Can we just call that what it is: a bald-faced lie? The so-called “racist“ remarks that the press jumped all over were nothing of the kind.

Hillary got a raw deal from the press, and especially, I’m sorry to say, from what trace there might be of a liberal press. Olbermann has lost at least one former fan. I’m trying to remind myself, in the months ahead, that it’s the media I’m pissed off at, not Obama.

[ohmercy]

I'm too tired to answer some of what you have said.
Or converse.

but I did want to support you in your talk about the racist BS.

There were memo's came out of the Obama campaign that Tim Russert brought up to Obama im one of the debates I think...?
Really, its all a blur.
Some dated before the SC.
The race baiting started right after they lost NH.
The next day Jsse Jackson Jr. came out with the Hillary didn't cry over Katrina crap.
Its on youtube.
I don't know if I have it saved. I might.
Oh mercy is user name there as well.

Anyway, right after that was SC.
They did that little game there.
Jesse Sr. wasn't offended and in fact said when asked, oh come on, we all know what's going on here and laughed. Like, don't be naive.

Of course Bill is losing it.
The one thing I think he was most proud of in his life was the work and committment he has always had to the AA. causes. same with her if you look back over their lives.

But why do that?
Then you can't spread neocon lies in good faith.

what a joke.

[ohmercy]

pt 2.

These people play Chicago politics and they cahn talk not politics as usual all they want.
they are right.
Its politics Chicago style.

I'm sure O will be a good President. I hope so but I know, you know, many other writers...(not the pundits, god forbid they would admit to their own collusion and complicity) but scholars who study this know, and even Jesse Jackson Sr. knows that this was played against them to undermine them and create a new narrative.
look up Axelrod and astroturfing.
Business week article.
Interesting/
Look up story in Harpers about Obama.
Google harpers Obama.
another very interesting story.

Oh, all those women didn't have to be elected.

AND.
Why did Axelrod blame clinton for Bhutto's death;.

I'll tell you what has disgusted me the most.
Axelrod and the Clintons were friends. Hillary, when all that crap was goping on about Monica and Impeachment had made a commitment to speak at an event, a fundraiser for a foundation started by axelrod and his wife for epilepsey... his daugher has it.
This whole thing is coming down and she still goes and does this event, raises a ton of money for them.
Obama?
When he was running for Senate she campaigned for him. They both did and they had a fund raiser for him.
That they would then create this kind of ugly racist story about them sickened me to the point that I stopped my campaigning for him. withdrew my support.

[ohmercy]

sorry.
I write too much.
Part 3

Hypergraphia.

Of course he throws people under the bus all the time.
Alice Palmer was his political mentor in Chicago when he first decided to get into it.
She introduced him around, had Ayers do his first fund raiser.
Then threw her under the bus and took her State Senate seat... after throwing everybody else off the ticket.
He is a dirty player.

I don't care really. I just don't like the hypocrisy.
gotta go.

Olbermann should be arrested or committed.
Definitely fired.
That is one angry, deranged and woman hating man.

If you ask me, and you didn't...
There is an element of priimal fear of the feminine scurrying around under the surface.
something very bizarre, a cultural acting out of a myth right before our eyes.

good night.

[csepwede]

Obama did not throw Alice Palmer under the bus. She hemmed and hawed and took forever to make up her mind whether she was going to run and by that point, Obama had already thrown his hat into the ring. Read "From Promise to Power" to get your facts straight.

After she finally decided, she wanted Obama to back out but he said no. Good for him.

[ldjnews]

Yes, we live in a patriarchal society. Who can deny that? I know the disappointment. But the sexism came more often or most often after the math showed Obama was going to win, and Clinton's team--mostly males--took the stranger than strange "denial has no clothes" path. What was obvious to most, seemed absent to Clinton's team. In response, some responded by believing anything went. It was a bit like open season on both candidates. Obama went through something similar for different reasons.

If not now, when? Not to worry. Hillary as a candidate has changed female political positioning and has legitimized women for any office or job in America now. Let's not forget women rulers are in place around the world. Female bodies are already adding up in Washington. What we need to see now is the female voice infuse itself as the female voice in politics. What can we women add that's uniquely female to the political landscape? The body often comes first. Pun intended but true. First the body, then the consciousness. This race has changed Hillary too. She's not going away. I suggest we have a conversation on running a male and a female as presidents in future elections. Two presidents with similar views. Campaigns could be like the ice-skating competitions. Well, anyway.