Being Gracious in a Sexist World

I didn't know it would feel this bad. I didn't know it would feel this personal. I'm all for a united Democratic party. But losing my last chance to see a woman in the White House feels like shit. And the gloating by the press is even worse. It sounds like "I told you so." It feels like watching Joan of Arc burned at the stake. You can smell the burning flesh. And then all the crowing about breaking the race barrier -- which we haven't done yet.

A primary is not a general election. The people who vote in primaries are more sophisticated than the general run of voters. I hope Obama will be our next president. But I can't watch his triumph without a fearful foreboding. He is not the first charismatic leader we've produced and he won't be the last. But our country is very good at taking down the best and the brightest. Those of us who lived through the unspeakable violence of the sixties can attest to that.

I want to be wrong about violence. I hate the role of Cassandra. I want to believe that America has moved beyond violence and racism and maybe we have. But I thought we had moved beyond sexism, and this campaign proved me wrong. The petty woman-hating jibes, the ageism, and the physical mockery have not been easy to watch. The only good thing about the defeat of Hillary Clinton may be a resurgence of feminism, an understanding that we haven't yet killed misogyny and that we have work to do.

"It's not sexism -- it's her" seems to have replaced, "I'm not a feminist, but" in our national lexicon. This is not to imply that Hillary Clinton is faultless -- far from it. But it's clear that the faults we tolerate and even overlook in men, we see as glaring in women. The problem with sexism is that it's so damned invisible. McCain can confuse Sunnis and Shiites and nobody blinks. Bush can admit to his press secretary that he outed a secret agent while claiming that he'd fire any aide who did so -- and the press sleeps. Men make mistakes. Women are not allowed to. We are held to such high and impossible standards that the possibility of any woman penetrating the barrier again seems remote.

My best friend tells me that Hillary should have been gracious last night. Barack Obama was gracious. But isn't gratitude the prerogative of the winner? Will women ever be winners? And if so, when?

Sexism is hard to see because most of it is so petty we don't want to mention it. Nutcracker thighs? A novelty like that seems beneath contempt. But it isn't one small offense that does women in -- it's the steady accretion of many offenses. It's death by a thousand cuts.
Even mentioning the problem seems ungracious. As women, we're supposed to specialize in graciousness. And there isn't a gracious way to talk about sexism. Perhaps there is no way to talk about sexism at all -- which is the way sexists want it.

I will work my tail off for President Obama. We need a Democratic in the White House more than ever. But I can't help feeling that we've buried a topic that needs unearthing. Please, Mr. Obama, turn your attention to sexism and tell us how you plan to address it. Then we can all be gracious with a good conscience.

Related:
Read more from Huffington Post bloggers on Barack Obama clinching the Democratic nomination for president

Comments

[lavisiter]

Listen to this "little" example and then read these posts!
http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/87029/

[csepwede]

I saw the clip. I'm a black woman. many of the comments were sexist, a few were appaling.

But some were kind of funny and you had to laugh. The clip seemed very heavyhanded to me, complete with the titles and the violins.

I think that Hillary took the right tone with "testicular fortitude"

We're not going to eradicate sexism overnight, but sometimes the best way to difuse is not anger or indignation but a bit of humor.

I

[PatrickforO]

Hmm. I can see I will have to be a little more watchful. Some of that stuff was pretty bad. I was going along thinking the campaign was going pretty good. I mean, here we have a truly viable woman and a truly viable African-American running for President of the United States. Either way, the outcome is/will be (hopefully) truly historic. I guess, though, awareness is the main thing if you're a white male like me. I've done a lot of work around ethnic diversity, but I admit that I haven't put near the thought into sexism.

[Kane]

"My best friend tells me that Hillary should have been gracious last night. Barack Obama was gracious. But isn't gratitude the prerogative of the winner?"

There is a world of difference between what is Gracious and what is Gratitude. As a writer, you should understand that the words have entirely different meanings. Gracious is marked by kindness and courtesy, characterized by charm and generosity of spirit. Gracious implies courtesy and kindly consideration. Gratitude, on the other hand, is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive. Gratitude is marked by a feeling of thankfulness and appreciation.

[sandyz64]

PLEEEEASE! Hillary lost NOT because she is a woman but because she does not tell the truth, she ran a lousy campaign, she ends up in debt, she is vindictive, egotistical, and married to the same. I am a woman of 64 and have lived through the feminist movement sharing the major ideas with the movement. Hillary is not and has not been in her adult life an independent woman. She married a man whom she supported through corruption, lies, and philandering beyond belief. I find it incredulous that you accept her with all her character faults simply because she is a woman. She and 100 million and her husband will continue to prosper but not to the detriment of the American people.

[Kane]

The quote at the top of the post is not mine, it belongs to Ms Jong. That is why there is a quotation and a break between statements. My words are pointing out to the author that there's a difference between the words Gracious and Gratitude.

[paganmist]

Okay. This really does a disservice to American women. If you view Hillary Clinton as your "last chance" to see a woman in the White House, what does that say about your faith in American women?

Not much at all.

Do you think all of womanhood is so lacking that they can't produce a female President?

Sheesh.

[PatrickforO]

This is true. Sen. Clinton was by no means the last chance for women. In fact, I believe she opened the gates permanently for other women to run for this highest office. As flawed as she is, characterwise, I'm convinced these flaws have nothing to do with gender. I suspect we'll have a woman in the White House (as President, not First Lady) by 2020. After this campaign, I for one will take ALL candidates seriously, until they prove to me by their leadership qualities, stances on issues and general conduct during the campaign, that they are worthy of my vote.

[ohmercy]

ummmm
hello?

what does it say about you that you have no commone sense, empathy, sensitivity or discernment?
How old are you?
How old is Erica?

How long will Obama be President if he is elected?
there is usually a change over in parties after 8 or 12 years.

You must be very young to gove no thought to how another person's life is impacted or what it means when she uses her words.

find some kind of empathy within yourself.
Try, just make a small attempt to see the world through other eyes now and then.

It is very difficult for the very young, the immature, the narcissist or the stupid.
I'm sure you are none of these.

[prof92506]

Please, this earth mother stuff is growing rather wearisome.

We all recognize that some older people may never see a woman in the White House. You and so many others have said this again and again. I'm sorry to tell you that it's a rather thin argument to make for a presidential candidate. I'm an older person, too, and I may never see an Asian American become president. Shall I go on ad nauseum about that?

I think that more of us older people should listen to what our younger brothers and sisters have to say. After all, it's their future that's at stake. Indeed, you might try a little of your own sage advice--find some empathy within yourself and see the world through other eyes now and then.

Just sayin'...

[Heru1]

Don't fret Ms. Jong. Michelle Obama 2016

[evekendall]

Erica, you said: "Please, Mr. Obama, turn your attention to sexism and tell us how you plan to address it."

In the following video of Sen. Obama's talk with Planned Parenthood in January, he talks for 24 minutes about how he plans to address it - and I'm sure he will have much more to say as time goes by. He has a wife and two daughters that he deeply loves. After you watch him give this talk, you will understand that Barack Obama "gets it." It's not just about Planned Parenthood issues, it about other women's issues, as well. Please watch. It really is worth the time.

"Barack Obama Addresses Planned Parenthood" - January 23, 2008

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUl99id2SvM

[lavisiter]

YOU CAN continue to ignore it's happening and as long as we do this will continue and while that's happening - THIS will continue!

ONE OUT OF THREE (1 out of 3) women in THIS country - not to mention the horrors in other countries are victims of violent assault and/or sexual abuse! Domestic violence, Rape, incest!

THIS (link) created by "Women's Media Center"

So you say you don't want to vote for HRC - No problem! But why not DO SOMETHING, stand up, stand out and STOP standing back, or worse being a part of women being treated so hatefully in the meantime? That INCLUDES HRC, ERica Jong, older women feminists etc. etc. etc.

This kind of sexism and misogeny (and this is only a small example) is the root of why these statistics are so HIGH!

http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/87029/

[ghop]

So many of the Obama supporters I know ARE doing something. So many were angry at the sexism against Hillary too.
I fricking HATE that some jackass made Hillary nutcrackers!
Does that mean that I also can't hate that some jackass made a shirt portraying Obama as a monkey?
It's like some nightmare where women and black people are being pitted against each other while the old white men in the GOP sit back and laugh.

How screwed up is that?

[evekendall]

Did you even listen to what he said? He is ON YOUR SIDE. And, by the way, for you to assume I'm not doing something is a total insult. It's also a total insult for you to imply that by voting for Barack Obama that women are being hateful to Hillary, Erica, older feminists, etc. That's crazy.....­and I AM an older feminist.

[Give Peace A Chance]

Hillary lost because of her support for Bush for oil wars. She also ran the worst campaign that I've ever witnessed.

No one can predict who will be the future Presidential candidates. One or more may be female and win. There are many women that are qualified to become President without the Clinton baggage.

Fortunately, Obama didn't cry in his milk, saying Jesse Jackson didn't win so America will never elect an African American.

Obama throughout the contest treated Hillary as an equal. More importantly, he treats his wife and daughters as equals. He never claimed he was owed the nomination because he is an African American.

There is plenty of evidence that McCain accepts Bush's policy of permanent bases and troops in Iraq. Women who do not support Obama risk sending their children or grandchildren to Iraq to die for oil corporations.

[SolarPowerGuy]

"Hillary lost because of her support for Bush for oil wars."

THANK YOU! I am so surprised that this point keeps getting lost.

[Revrob56]

Erica,
First you're a few days older than me, and you guys are outliving us. You'll see a woman president in 8 years. Second, you have a man who has been raised and nurtured by strong women mom and grandmom, supported by and partnered with a strong woman Michelle and the father of two beautiful women to be. It will be alright. In fact, I believe it will get better.

[BushDemocrat]

Perhaps someone else has mentioned this, but Hillary ran a classic, and by definition, "male" campaign--­aggressive­, heartless, and win-at-all-costs. She tried to beat the men at the game they invented, while Obama took the route of compassion. Hillary failed to take advantage of her uniqueness.

And let's face it, her political career, although often well intentioned, has been a series of missteps. From the combustible "vast right-wing conspiracy" comment to her failed attempt at heath care reform to her numerous campaign management gaffes, Mrs. Clinton has been divisive and misguided. Like Ms. Jong, most of us would like to see a woman as president, but let's not settle, especially after the worst presidency on modern history.

[rzan]

Obama doesn't have to tell you anything about sexism, Erica. He has a wife who has so much more going for her than Hillary does. He never derided Hillary during this campaign or made sexist comments. He owes Hillary nothing at all. She on the other hand has been so ungracious that is is sickening. She has represented women poorly. I personally am ashamed of her and am thankful that she lost. You and Betty Freidan have never represented me nor described my issues, so I could care less about what you have to say about women. By the way, why do you think Hillary is your last chance? There will be a woman as president one day, and at the age of 60, I hope to be here when that happens.

[csepwede]

I was thinking that last night... Obama's obvious loving and respectful relationship with his wife is the best case against him being sexist that you can make.

could you say the same about Bill Clinton? How does he treat women?

[kclol]

well said Ms Jong

[lavisiter]

Quit pretending it isn't happening and DO something about it!

http://www.alternet.org/mediaculture/87029/

[csepwede]

A TRUE feminist doesn't vote for bombs that kill other women's children.

A TRUE feminist doesn't ignore the effects of racism in our society and manipulate it to her advantage.

A TRUE feminist would have stood up when the Rev. Wright scandal broke and said that she'd had the Rev. in the White House as a guest.

A TRUE feminist wouldn't have answered "as far as I know" when asked about Obama being a Muslim.

A TRUE feminist fights against every kind of "ism," and "obia" not just the ones that help HER.

A TRUE feminist would have recognized the historic moment for black people last night. After 400 years in this country and having been slaves, we have a black Democratic nominee.

Maybe I have a higher standard of feminism than you do. But just being female doesn't cut it.

[mythoughts1]

So we meet again csepwede:

WHAT DOES YOUR POST HAVE TO DO WITH FEMINISM?

Definitions of feminism?

The doctrine — and the political movement based on it — that women should have the same economic, social, and political rights as men.
2. An organized movement for the attainment of such rights for women.
3. feminine character.

Look at what you wrote.
Unbelievable.

For the record, I'm a life-long democrat.
I'd never go to a church where Rev. Wright was the preacher either.
Then- The new minister invites Rev. Pflager???
No thanks to right-wing OR left-wing radicals.

Show me your friends...­and I shall know you.

[csepwede]

any member of the black "intelligentsia" will meet more '60s black radicals than you would just in the course of their lives.

it doesn't mean you agree with EVERYTHING they say, but you would run in the same circles.

If you're a community organizer or representing a black district in Chicago, these kinds of people are the ones you would work with.

I guess I have a larger definition of feminism than you do, one that extends beyond just fighting for women's rights, and instead fights injustice and speaks truth to power.

[paganmist]

Judge me based on who I know, and I'll show you someone who will forever live their lives in a narrow and dreary rut.

[Thebigkate]

I have been an ardent feminist for 50 years--helped establish the first daycare/preschool in Washington, D.C. I disagree with Erica Jong about the present terrible horrors of sexism. Yes, of course, sexism exists. And racism as well. However, to be a woman in the world today is so, so different than it was back in the 1950s and before! Also, to me, Hillary Clinton is not a good example of healthy feminism. She has been nasty, untruthful and arrogant to Barack Obama during much of her primary campaign--and has lacked openness, honesty and humility! She has gone on Fox News (oh geez!) and gotten cozy with Richard Mellon Scaife! But, worst of all, I have watched her be hopelessly codependent with her two "junkyard dogs," Bill Clinton and Mark Penn. She has not followed her feminist instincts in doing their bidding. When she has been most successful, in my opinion, is when she has ignored their bad "macho" advice! Now that she has lost the election, Hillary Clinton has had to have an "intervention" by her friends in Congress to tell her to get out of the race! This is just plain narcissism--nothing more! And I think women who feel that they have been cheated because they will not likely live to see a woman in the White House are making this election "all about themselves" - -just more narcissism. Stop the whining and the Victimhood rant! We are better than that!!! We really are!

[RealityBaseCamp]

OK, you're a professional writer, I'm reasonably sure of that. So I'm tempted to think that confusing "gracious" (exhibiting grace) with "grateful" (exhibiting gratitude) was deliberate. No, Sen. Clinton only needed be grateful to her supporters. Toward Sen. Obama, she should have shown more grace. I hope everybody gets that distinction.

[slc20]

I won't deny there is sexism in the world. There is. But that is NOT why Hillary lost the election.

Ironically, she more likely lost by NOT being feminist, and following the directions of the MEN AROUND HER, instead of being a woman leader. What was with all the talk of Hillary having "balls" coming from her supporters? Her voting for the Iraq war, the Iran resolution, etc. in an effort to look tough? Her "Look at me slammin' drinks with the boys!" business.

Hillary Clinton seemed to me to reject feminism, femininity and woman-ism (is that a word?).

As a woman, the comments that have come from her and her campaign ("I'm your girl!", "I'm comfortable in the kitchen", poor me, they're "piling on!", "testicular fortitude" etc etc,) have been as sexist as much or more than anything others have said.

When it comes down to it, though, Hillary lost my vote in 2002 when she voted to authorize the war without reading the NIE report, and voted against the amendment requiring more diplomacy.
Her flag burning bill, vote against banning cluster-bombs, comments regarding Iran and hawkish foreign policy clinched it for me.

[Teadye]

I agree. She mismanages her campaign, hires know-nothing cronies, tells lies, demands a week to get over the vapors because she lost, insults the most oppressed segment of our population on the advent of their greatest American triumph and she is held up as a sterling example of womanhood? Now she's applying her sharp elbows to any other woman who might want to try for the VP... it'll be Hillary or no woman? Give me a break. This is no "strong female role model" in my book... just another person who bungled a sure thing and paid the price. There can be another woman in a serious run for the Presidency in 2016. The VP still has to be decided and there are plenty of qualified, professional women under serious consideration. And they won't need a man's coattails to do it. Some one needs to tell Hillary to get out of their way.

[southsideirish]

PART 2
--It wasn't long after I was required at school to do a diarama and report about my "real life hero." Driven by--I don't know--childlike, innocence I suppose, I did a report and diarama on Martin Luther King Jr. In retrospect, I did it for him. I wanted to tell him I loved him no matter how I reacted before. So, I read. (What I found most confusing was how many people would "March" without a band.) Later, I made the most horrific, rendition of MLK one could imagine out of clay. My uncle came to visit during that time--to see my progress, I guess. I remember wanting to impress him. When the day came to give my report, I wasn't well liked. I was in an Irish neighborhood and considered­... Well, I won't say it here. When all was said and done I was still happy with what I'd done though. I made my uncle proud. When he left to go to back to Yonkers, he extended his hand for a shake. I threw open my arms. I don't know if I've ever hugged anyone that tighly before or since.

Yesterday was historic, Ms. Jong. I know it hurts now. But you can glory in one thing at least. Because of what BOTH our candidates did, my uncle will be able to tell his 3 beautiful daughters they can be anything..­. anything at all. I didn't win last night, Ms. Jong. We did.

[lotuslike]

thank you for your beautiful post...

[Revrob56]

great post! i feel you.