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Erica Jong

Erica Jong

Posted: March 11, 2008 04:25 PM

Morals to Be Drawn From Spitzer's 'Case'


1. Pay hookers in cash.
2. Think globally, act locally: don't cross state lines to get laid.
3. Don't use "George Fox" as a pseudonym.
4. If using a pseudonym, make up a phony address. Revealing the marital residence on Fifth Avenue is a bad idea.
5. Don't try to avoid using condoms with women named Kristin.
6. Never send cash by mail.
7. Be skeptical about institutions with sexist names like The Emperor's Club.
8. Don't yell at investment bankers on the phone.
9. If you are famous for closing prostitution "rings," don't frequent them.
10. While in public office, fuck your own wife -- unless you are in French politics.

Very little surprises me in the realm of sex. The Monica Lewinsky dust-up was a blip on my sexual radar -- totally unsurprising and merely a testament to American Puritanism. Eliot Spitzer was such a tough attorney general that you'd expect him to have an outlet like "Kristen."

I once did research on dominatrixes in New York for a novel I wrote called Any Woman's Blues and discovered that one of them -- Ava was her name -- had a powerful male lawyer washing dishes in an apron and heels during her parties. Powerful men like to be humiliated. See Kraft-Ebbing and Sacher-Masoch. People with hyphenated names know about these things. Maybe all Attorney Generals are kinky and should stay out of public office. Think of Rudy Giuliani.

I don't know much -- but if I were in public office, I'd avoid having sex with anyone but my husband of 19 years, for my entire term. A good idea anyway -- zipless fucks being much overrated for any woman past thirty-five -- even if it is the new twenty-five.

Yes, there is a Yiddish proverb that goes: When the putz stands, the brains lie in the ground -- but really, if you go into New York politics, you can't be Philip Roth. Albany is also a bad idea.

I also find hotel rooms sexy, however DC is not a place to frequent them. The Mayflower? Give me a break.

Go to Vermont or New Hampshire -- some town nobody's heard of -- or fly to Paris for a long weekend and stay at the Crillon. Needs, we all have needs and we are not saints. But there's a price for being the gov -- now "luv guv" -- though love had nothing to do with it.

Ok, Eliot Spitzer is not Oedipus Rex, but there is something Greek about this silly tragedyette. Or tragedy-lite. The guy is rather self-destructive. The Mafiosi are laughing in jail while the moguls are laughing in their clubs.

We are not angels and we all have "needs." If Dick Morris can get his wife back so can Eliot Spitzer. But what a dumb fuck he is -- sort of like Gov. Corzine failing to click his seatbelt.

If you really want to laugh, imagine if he were a woman "luv guv" with her rental toy boy or girl. That would really be a tragedy. She'd not only resign, she'd have to commit Hari Kari. On reality TV. And women would be cheering her on, with Maureen Dowd and Andrea Peyser leading the pack.