Morals to Be Drawn From Spitzer's 'Case'

1. Pay hookers in cash.
2. Think globally, act locally: don't cross state lines to get laid.
3. Don't use "George Fox" as a pseudonym.
4. If using a pseudonym, make up a phony address. Revealing the marital residence on Fifth Avenue is a bad idea.
5. Don't try to avoid using condoms with women named Kristin.
6. Never send cash by mail.
7. Be skeptical about institutions with sexist names like The Emperor's Club.
8. Don't yell at investment bankers on the phone.
9. If you are famous for closing prostitution "rings," don't frequent them.
10. While in public office, fuck your own wife -- unless you are in French politics.

Very little surprises me in the realm of sex. The Monica Lewinsky dust-up was a blip on my sexual radar -- totally unsurprising and merely a testament to American Puritanism. Eliot Spitzer was such a tough attorney general that you'd expect him to have an outlet like "Kristen."

I once did research on dominatrixes in New York for a novel I wrote called Any Woman's Blues and discovered that one of them -- Ava was her name -- had a powerful male lawyer washing dishes in an apron and heels during her parties. Powerful men like to be humiliated. See Kraft-Ebbing and Sacher-Masoch. People with hyphenated names know about these things. Maybe all Attorney Generals are kinky and should stay out of public office. Think of Rudy Giuliani.

I don't know much -- but if I were in public office, I'd avoid having sex with anyone but my husband of 19 years, for my entire term. A good idea anyway -- zipless fucks being much overrated for any woman past thirty-five -- even if it is the new twenty-five.

Yes, there is a Yiddish proverb that goes: When the putz stands, the brains lie in the ground -- but really, if you go into New York politics, you can't be Philip Roth. Albany is also a bad idea.

I also find hotel rooms sexy, however DC is not a place to frequent them. The Mayflower? Give me a break.

Go to Vermont or New Hampshire -- some town nobody's heard of -- or fly to Paris for a long weekend and stay at the Crillon. Needs, we all have needs and we are not saints. But there's a price for being the gov -- now "luv guv" -- though love had nothing to do with it.

Ok, Eliot Spitzer is not Oedipus Rex, but there is something Greek about this silly tragedyette. Or tragedy-lite. The guy is rather self-destructive. The Mafiosi are laughing in jail while the moguls are laughing in their clubs.

We are not angels and we all have "needs." If Dick Morris can get his wife back so can Eliot Spitzer. But what a dumb fuck he is -- sort of like Gov. Corzine failing to click his seatbelt.

If you really want to laugh, imagine if he were a woman "luv guv" with her rental toy boy or girl. That would really be a tragedy. She'd not only resign, she'd have to commit Hari Kari. On reality TV. And women would be cheering her on, with Maureen Dowd and Andrea Peyser leading the pack.

Comments

[NitaNitaBoNita]

Sorry to be a week behind everyone else, but it took a while for my account to come through.

About that proverb, Ms. Jong: Yiddish "shprikhverter" tend to rhyme, so I'm guessing that the original of the one you quote is actually "Az shteyt dos shmeckl, ligt in drerd sekhl." ("As the [diminutive of schmuck] stands, wisdom lies in the ground.")

Also, it has the unmistakable ring of truth. :-)

[wendy]

Dear Erica Jong,

I sat behind you and your old friend Janice at Barnard where we both majored in English and I LOVED "Fear of Flying." But I have one point of difference with what you said on Howie Kurtz's tv program. We have NO IDEA whether Eliot Spitzer is a sex addict. So you did what the others said about Silda, no?

Here's my take and I too read a LOT about him since the scandal. I think the issue here is the entitlement driven into him by a father who apparently did not play by the rules. The story of playing monopoly at age 7 with his dad and his dad telling him that he has to play by his own rules, not the rules of the game struck me as important.

Also the fact that he has very few friends and some have conjectured that he fits the profile of Asperger's syndrome, not sex addict, rings truer for me.

I agree with leaving the marriage and the kids alone. Totally agree. But on TV you too have to be careful with your "Lowly novelist and poet" diagnoses. We just don't know that much. And I think you fell into the TV pundit trap a bit. Sorry to say this because I really like you, your work, and our long ago connection.

[appleknocker]

Rule #11: Don't expect fidelity from an alpha male.

[iswearington]

there is a moral here...and it is...when everything is illegal...then everyone is a criminal. in the civilized world...germany france and england...a man buying a woman is no news worth printing.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

11. If you can't attend a colleague's fundraiser, praise him to the heavens, dine in his home, sleep with his wife -- and vote against him in the morning -- you don't belong in politics.

(If I rememebered who coined that old chestnut, I would gladly attribute.)

[Muzz]

Thanks for taking on Linda Stasi's moral simpleton act on CBS Early Show today.
Too bad Andrea P. and MD weren't there too.

[magen]

We can't get Bush/Cheney impeached even with all the blatant crimes they've done.

Maybe a sex scandal would get rid of them.

But it doesn't seem like Bush or Cheney ever even have sex.

Also, republiCONS are immune to sex scandals while Democrats aren't. See-Larry Craig and David Vitter.

Spitzer should've said he'll resign if they would resign, otherwise, he's stayin.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Just think, if only Duhbya and Dickya DID have sex, maybe we would NOT have invaded Iraq.

[ld]

LOL!!

[darker]

Moral:

Americans punish SEX but NOT CORRUPTION.
Sex is bad but corruption is --OKAY?
And Republicans EXEMPT FROM INVESTIGATION.
WIRETAPPING is about catching Democrats & others.

What's all the FBI, CIA WIRETAPPING all about?
Why are middle-income Americans paying for a FOR PROFIT Iraq invasion that benefits
the "nanny state for the rich & corporate welfare queens" liek Big Oil, war profiteers and Cheney's CORRUPT Halliburton Corp.?

It's time for CORRUPT guys like JOE BRUNO to be swarmed by media and INVESTIGATED BY F.B.I. for his chronic CORRUPTION.

CORRUPT power-guys "on-the-take" for decades, like Joe Bruno who has siphoned out our tax money--WHY is he still boss in ALBANY NY?
How stupid are we?

NYState Legislature's CORRUPT JOE BRUNO shoud go next.

Enough of Bruno's manipulations, posing as the FAKE "innocent farm boy" and his lies and corruption. Bruno has been at his nasty game long enough. He has paralyzed the NYState Legislature for many years.

It's time for Bruno to go. The FBI should INVESTIGATE Bruno's corrupt practices. Or are Republicans EXEMPT FROM INVESTIGATION? What's all the WIRETAPPING all about?
Getting DIRT on everybody else?

The spotlight has been focused on Spitzer, but now it's time to
refocus on JOE BRUNO whose time is way past "over" in the NYS Legislature.

The Spitzer debacle should NOT DISTRACT us from the CORRUPTION we need to oust in Albany NY LEGISLATURE.

[robbie]

Shouldn't you be talking about the comments your buddy Ferraro made?

[larry278]

I'm thinking of bookmarking your blog about Gov Spitzer to use when & if I try to make any sense of Gov Spitzer's virtual suicide. I'm also going to include the NYT op-ed by the former wife of a former Gov of NJ who resigned in disgrace because he had a gay lover.

[ChimpmasterDJ]

"5. Don't try to avoid using condoms with women named Kristin."

And if her name is Erica, a full-body condom would be a good idea.

[FirstShirt]

"The guy is rather self-destructive."

Bill O'Reilly said the same thing. You two must be soul mates. :)

[ariadne1]

well, after spitzer is out of office i think his wife should run for governor next election. look at all the experience she has watching him first fight crime and secondly run the complex state of new york.

she would be able to take charge from day one... no learning curve here.

she is a woman-let all who dare to criticize her qualifications face the wrath of now, media matters, and every over 60 year old woman in the state.

[Zeusthunderbolt]

Is it possible that these wives turn into mothers, in the bedroom and beyond? They criticize the husbands in private, castigating them in the bedroom, disapproving and critical of their sexual fantasies, sexual appetite but supporting them in public. These bad boys are unable to walk away in the first place. They seek a disciplinary, organized, motherly figure to keep them straight. The arguments heard are his attempts to be somewhat independent. They fail in the bedroom because of the very nature of their relationship. In the end, the cause of the bedroom failure, triumps to save the marriage in the face of a public humiliation and discovery of his real sex life.

[heywhat]

I think this post probably says more about you than it does about anything relating to the Spitzer marriage.