Next Time Boychick, We Take the Whole Thing

Yesterday, Darwin turned eight days old. Darwin is my second grandson. You know what that means if you're Jewish. The briss, the brit mila, the covenant of circumcision. Or as I like to think of it: Next time boychick, we take the whole thing!

Ever wonder why Jewish boys are so fucked up about sex? Ever wonder why they fall for mile-high models from Slovenia who wear those big cold crosses? Ever wonder why they like Chinese girls, Chinese-American girls, Blonde shiksa cheerleaders from Kansas? Or those cool black models who dance like Beyonce?

It's because of the Covenant with Jahwah or G-d: I take this piece of your pecker, with your mother, father, grandfathers and grandmothers looking on, teary eyed. And you think of nothing but your pecker for the rest of your life!

You think female circumcision is bad? (It's hideous, health destroying and horrible -- and inflicted on women by other women). But at least women have other things to think about than their pussies -- like children, like politics, like writing. At least women don't focus nonstop on their vaginas (or as Oprah says, their vajayjays). Men think about their pricks for the rest of their lives. Don't get me wrong, they think about them whether or not they're circumcised. But circumcision bumps it up to a whole other level.

Health reasons, my ass. It's the health of the old impotent grandpas they're thinking of, not you, little boy. You could learn to push the skin back and wash. We're not in the desert any more. We have Jacuzzis and steam showers and redwood hot tubs from Californicate. No, folks, it's the grandpas who love this ritual. The mothers usually run in the other room crying. But they get blamed for it anyway. And Jewish women bear the brunt ever after. Either they marry you and run around with Diana Ross or Beyonce or Naomi Campbell -- or they marry Sandra Oh or Lucy Liu or Yoko Ono and she converts.

In the old days, your mother used to threaten suicide. Now we're more liberal, so your mother embraces Ms. Hung, Ms. Jong, Ms. Ono, Ms. Liu, Ms. Hoe, Ms. Loe, Ms. Cho, Ms. Choi, Ms. Loi. And guess what, the next little boy goes through it anyway!

In my parents' youth, there was a show that ran forever called: Abie's Irish Rose. That was the forbidden fruit in 1920s, 1930s New York. If you updated it, you'd have to call it Abie's Swahili Sweetie or Abie's Chinese Lotus. Nowadays it might be Abie's Tantric Tootsie. The idea would be the same: brilliant Jewish boy flees his mother and hightails it for India or China or Japan. (And you can find India, Africa and China right here in New York City. You don't even have to take a jet).

OK. Call me an anti-Semite. (I'm secretly a pro-Semite). But I do have misgivings about circumcision. And I have met (and married) a lot of Jewish men. And one Chinese-American who is an M.D. but still doesn't speak Chinese. And who was circumcised. Probably still is.

The altacockers (loosely translated as old shitters) have every explanation under the sun. Explanations, after all, are all altacockers can do. It's healthy. It prevents the clap.

You won't get those nasty new viruses around today, G-d forbid. (A secret warning about gayness, I think). But how can you ever forget the pain, the fear, the confusion of being eight days old and having your pecker snipped? They don't remember, say the altacockers. They don't feel it, say the bubbies. We did it in the hospital, say the parents. He didn't feel a thing, says the mother (who was in the other room crying her eyes out).

And here comes the mohel, with his beard, his tallis, his yarmulke, with his red wine and his gauze pads, and his shiny snipper and his old jokes.

What did the mohel put in the window of his shop? Bonsai trees? Why? What else should he put in the window?

If this is the covenant with G-d, then G-d is a sadist. But we knew that already. He descends from Ba'al and all those other mean old gods. Not that the goddesses are any better. Think of Kali, after all, with her necklace of skulls. Life and death are always close as twins. Even Jesus was circumcised and we know that Jesus was chaste -- especially since we have demoted Mary Magdalen from disciple to whore, from wife to mistress, from wise woman to bimbo.

In the older Christianity -- the one Jesus the Jew actually practiced -- women were revered for their wisdom and spirituality. But that didn't suit St. Paul nor apocalyptic St. John the Evangelist who was doing LSD on Patmos (I visited his cave) where he wrote about the four horsemen and the blazing fires in the sky. (It could have been the Patmos sunset seen by a stoner emerging from a cave -- or the Patmos sunrise -- equally bewitching).

But whatever the old guys say, circumcision must hurt -- even to a baby eight days old who then gets his first taste of wine -- pain and alcoholism going hand in rubber glove.

It killed me to see my grandsons marked like this so future Nazis can identify them. What is wrong with the chosen people? Chosen for pain? All the psychological troubles of Jewish men -- from Sigmund Freud to Lenny Bernstein to Philip Roth -- must stem from this dubious ritual. I want to tell my adorable grandson, Max, who is four: Just make sure you never make pee pee in front of a skinhead. But he doesn't know what a skinhead is.

Don't mark him! I wanted to shout, but instead I laughed hysterically at all the mohel's jokes.

"What a great audience!" he said. And was off to the next snip.

1/30/08 8:12 AM

Comments

[BarryChamplain]

You probably remember this:

In 1973, there was a lame sitcom called "Bridget Loves Bernie". It was supposed to be an update on "Abie's Irish Rose". It starred a real-life mixed, married acting couple.

The theory was that in the swinging '70s, the new age of tolerance and ecumenism in modern day American married life (and the necessary readjustments by their wacky elders!) would resonate with the youthful audience CBS was looking to reach. Because as everyone could plainly see, in these modern times, a Catholic Irishwoman marrying a Jew was "okay".

Then came the organized protest letters.

Then appeared the the disgruntled, frothing old rabbi on the TV talk shows, shrieking at the top of his lungs, "Eet ees NOT 'OKAY'!"

For a total piece of crap, surprisingly, "Bridget Loves Bernie" had ratings. Didn't matter. CBS caved (CBS' sacred tradition) and yanked the show. Over half a century after "Abie's Irish Rose".

So much for enlightenment.

[EspressoAtNoon]

Hate to break it to you, but MOST American males get circumcized. It's not a "Jewish" thing in America.

I'm happy to be circumcized. I doubt it has any effect on your sex drive, sexual pleasure, or anything else.

I hear it makes for better hygene and makes you less likely to contract vd, etc..

[Boobaloo]

What a fantastic article, I loved every minute of it!

Im for male circumcision. The health benefits are actually very documented including in the prevention of the spread of AIDS.

You have such a great sense of humour and great energy is conveyed, I look forward to reading more of your work!

[radmul]

It is a shame that racist nonsense passes for humor.

[Jane]

Well, I argued with my ex about having my son circumcised--I was against, he was for. And he couldn't use the "looks like daddy" argument, because he himself didn't look like daddy--his daddy was uncircumcised. He used the "he should look like the other boys in the lockeroom" argument. So, I let it happen, though I struck and didn't go watch. I've been sorry ever since. Esp because the one uncircumcised boyfriend I ever had was very good in bed. So I say to new parents, don't go there!

[suntzu]

Funny thing, Ms. Jong talks about Jewish men who have a taste for Asians. I, an Asian-American have always had a strong attraction to Jewish women as well as non-Jewish women, but not Asian women. So what is the connection? I think men like diversity in women and going outside the ethnic box is one way to accomplish that. But more than that I have just not found Asian women to be sexy. Is this oedipal? No idea. Just the way it is, or was, since I now enjoy blessed singleness.

The other mystery is why Jewish women were open to my approaches, where Jewish men sometimes put them off.

[JackWOrf]

I hate to say it, but I think that because you do not have a penis, you have over-exaggerated the negative effects of circumcision.

Personally, I find it difficult to believe that sex would be that much more enjoyable if I were uncircumcised. And if it was, that might not be a good thing.

Perhaps part of the reason for circumcision is to slightly reduce the sex drive so Jewish males do not spend all of their time in the insane pursuit of hot pussy.

That seems to be the case, since Jewish men are extremely accomplished intellectually and professionally. Maybe if their wangers were still 100%, they would not be able to concentrate on all of those Medical and Law books. They would have to be running around in the streets night and day chasing 'hoes.

God is not a fool. Circumcision is indeed also more sanitary, which was very important 4000 years ago.

Additionally, an 8-day old child does not feel great pain in circumcision, as an adult would, because the blood vessels and the nerves have not fully developed yet.

And no, I do not spend all of my time chasing Chinese girls, Kansas Shiksas or Black babes. I do, however, like mile-high models from Slovenia. Do you have any phone numbers? Ha ha.

But are you saying that there are no uncircumcised non-Jews in the world who do not spend their time whoring after Chinese girls, Kansas Shiksas or Beyance (sic)?

I really don't think that circumcision is a big deal. Besides, the only real Nazis around are the Arabs, and they're all circumsized as well.

I suppose that the uncircumcised penis is supposed to be more pleasurable for the female. I read that in a book somewhere. My apologies.

Please stop being one of those goofy Jewish women who castigates Jewish men. It isn't nice. Ha ha.

[RickyJ]

The post and comments on it show a large amount of ignorance, even by the Huffington Post's loose standards.

1. America is a melting pot. The 50% Jewish intermarriage rate has nothing to do with male circumcision.

2. There is no scientific data that shows that circumcised males have worse sex lives than uncircumcised ones. The loss of the foreskin sensory cells has not been shown to impact overall enjoyment or potency. Yes, most men circumcised as adults, can tell the difference, but there is no agreement as to which way is better.

3. Recent African studies have convincingly shown that male circumcision prevents female to male HIV transmission and does not lead to loss of sexual function. Go Google the stuff.

4. Estimates of how many males will need a circumcision for medical reasons are around 10%. They invariably wish they had been circumcised as infants. Having a foreskin is a disadvantage if someone else has to clean there as in the case of disability.

5. Infancy is the time when circumcision is the least disruptive to ones sexual life and comfort. A recent African study, mentioned before, showed that for a small but statistically significant group of circumcised adult males were having discomfort, six month later. No problems were found, a year or two later.

[Ides]

Really? Really now? Come on!

Naw, I'm playing, as a "victim" of circumcision I find this article pretty funny. As long as the plumbing works, I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter.

[BeyondKen]

According to BBC World News Service:

"Male circumcision significantly reduces the spread of the HIV virus to men, according to research.

The study, carried out by European and African researchers, found that uncircumcised men were at least three times more likely than circumcised men to contract the virus."

[metropolitan]

as a circumcised non-christian male, i say erica, keep it to yourself. i'm happy to be cut and glad it was done early (mine was around 3 years old).

[Teleken]

I think it has more to do with Jewish mothers than the slight snip 'o the willy. I'm snipped and have no religeon, but i guess I am crazy for that honey roll.

[yappnmutt]

yes, male circumcision is just as evil and barbaric as female circumcision and the reasons for it are equally revolting. the jewish circumcision ritual was inspired by a jewish maiden. tired of her husband's premature ejaculation she decided circumcision would desensitize the penis enough to make all future jewish husbands last longer for their wives' pleasure.

[americaforme]

It's all true, that being said... what is left? Remembering is your faith, be it painful or joyus...Fo­r forgetting mothers, nothing is new under the sun...Whil­e the time is still out there,understanding grows through experience­...Your mother's heart I adore,blessings come from Remembering. My experience is...I have never seen anything the Lord did that wasn't perfect.

[research]

I can excuse the rant about what attracts men, since god knows we all understand what attracts women, right?

Otherwise, Thank you for imagining what having 50% of the most sensitive nerves in our bodies primitively ritualistically cut off without pain killers.

the disease argument is crap, since by that logic we should cut off one breast of each girl to reduce breast cancer by 50%. Much more then the most optimistic saving from circumcision.