05/16/2007 10:06 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Antichrist May Be My High School Boyfriend

Goodbye, Dr. Falwell. Thanks for pointing out that the Antichrist is a Jewish man living today. Could he be a relative of mine? Possibly Great Uncle Dovid, the furrier turned movie distributor in England? He married a shiksa the second time around and had a lovely green paddock in Surrey. Also lots of Thoroughbreds and bespoke evening wear for benefit dinners in London. Sounds like the AC to me.

Or could he be my Cousin Jacob, who lives in Miami, has a major gambling habit, only fucks Cuban girls and is a graduate of five of the best rehabs in the South and West. Could he be the Antichrist?

Or my cousin Abelard (nee Abeleh), who married his lover Nigel (also a shiksa) in Massachusetts last year, collects rare books and American prints of the early twentieth century and writes gay novels blurbed by the likes of Ed White and David Levitt. Can he be the Antichrist?

Or how about my high school boyfriend, Murray, the real estate developer--who also married a shiksa the second time around-- was a great customer of the late dominatrix Ava. He atoned for pulling down four hundred million a year by dressing in an apron and high heels and washing the wine glasses at Ava's parties. He may have got off by being her "personal slave" but was he the Antichrist too? Whaddayou think?

Dr. Falwell thought the Antichrist was Jewish. He also was against feminists, gays, lesbians, abortion, birth control, People for The American Way, the ACLU,, Hillary Clinton and Larry Flynt. He apologized for saying that 9/11 was caused by our sins, but he never apologized for his anti-Semitism, for dissing the Constitution or praising the morality of Republicans.

Rest in peace, Dr. Falwell. Satirists and political cartoonists will miss you.