I am so tired of black men writing dating advice books for black women!
I love all of the amazing men in my life, but many of them do not know how to be in a successful relationship. So, why are these self-appointed relationship gurus writing books to give women advice, but never advise the people who seem to need it most... Men?
Between baby momma drama, unemployment rates, sagging jeans and jail time, I think that many of today's young black men have enough social issues to fill a library a books. Instead of writers telling black women what they have to do to find a man and keep a man, how about a book that encourages men to be better lovers of themselves, their women and their communities.
I believe the BEST dating advice comes from a girl who knows! Author, Relationship Expert and every girl's best friend Demetria L. Lucas has proven that with her new book A Belle in Brooklyn:The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life (Atria $24).
Coming off her special appearance on Anderson Cooper on 3/12/2012, I spoke with Lucas about dating issues that black women face and she shared her insights on the importance of living a fab life... single or not!
1. How do you feel about the trend of men writing dating advice books for women?
It's a troublesome trend, even more so because women seem to listen to anything that comes from the mouth of anyone with a penis just because he has some bass in his voice. We are soooo dependent on male, any male's, approval. But where has that gotten us? Where is it taking us?
That's not to discredit all men. There are some with great advice and really have women's best interest at heart. But too much of what's being told to women is how to do what men like and prefer and how they operate. It's advice that totally ignores our needs, wants and desires.
2. What do you want women to get from your book?
More than anything I want readers to stop looking at single as some shameful, miserable state that's to be endured until Prince Charming appears and rescues them from themselves. There's a lot of joy, fun and amazing experiences to be had on your own as a single woman. I want to open up that possibility for women who don't know it exists.
3. What about the girls who are a little more "rough around the edges"? Can a woman be single, sexy and free if she's "aesthetically challenged?"
Yes! I'd be lying if I said women didn't have to work their pretty. If you don't advertise, they don't buy. The good thing is that every woman has the potential to work some pretty. High hair, high boobs, and high heels are my methods of choice, but whatever a woman's best is, she should bring that!
But even more so, a woman has to have a personality and something to talk about. Confidence and personality will take you -- and keep you-- wherever it is you want to go far better than a fresh salon visit, a push up bra and a pair of platform stilettos ever will.
4. Now -a-days between Brazilian waxes, vajazzling, steam treatments and Vaginal Rejuvation Surgery it seems like good old fashion "coochie" maintenance just isn't good enough.
LOL! There's a lot of maintenance available for your va-jay-jay, but nothing other than the basics -- clean and trimmed -- are necessary.
You don't need to wax everything off, but you should prevent forest fires. You also don't need to smell like flowers or vanilla-lavender blends. Your natural, clean scent is just fine and also very appealing to the opposite sex.
Unless you've had some severe trauma, kegel exercises should keep you snug.
5. Do I really have to act like a porn star in order to get and keep a man?
Gosh, no! Don't believe the hype you see on TV and in celebrity world. I'm yet to hear a man, celeb or not, say he wanted a porn star for a serious companion. Be your best you. Somewhere in this wide, big world are men -- plural -- who want you as you are. For any sensible man, it takes more than sex and sexiness to keep him interested long term. You need substance, more than anything else.
6. In your opinion, who is the ultimate example of a single girl who is living life to fullest?
In my book, I talk about my fictional idols -- Nola Darling (She's Gotta Have It), Nina Mosley (Love Jones), Tracey Chambers (Mahogany) and Shirley Maclaine (Sweet Charity). They were incredible, optimistic women who defined their lives, honored their spirits, always consistently strived to be their best selves, and chased their dreams.
In the real world, the ultimate examples are every woman out there who is happy. Contrary to media reports, they do exist, and in abundance.
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