On Love and Layoffs

As I make my way though this thing we call life, I am finding out that it holds but one truth: it is messy and rife with unexpected pleasure and pain. Not that anything truly terrible has ever happened to me, in the grand scheme of things: minor illness have plagued me, I've lost people I loved, my heart has been broken and I've feared never finding what I was "meant to be when I grow up". I thought that once I met a man who had everything together, his own perfection and understanding of the world would give me a magical sense of calm that would free my busy mind from the grasp of worry and criticism that ensnared it. A highly unhealthy approach to finding a partner, but one that I was convinced would reward me with that elusive happiness I eagerly desired.

So when I met a man for drinks who turned out to be so far from the "good on paper" guy I was looking for, I immediately thought: absolutely not, this is so not him. But drinks turned into dinner and the more we talked the more I found him irresistibly charming. Despite his 90-day "starter marriage", bumpy education background and scattered resume, something in my subconscious said, "stay". He was happy, positive, full of potential, hysterically funny, and possessed a true zest for life. Not in the cloying way you might imagine, but in a pure and honest sense. When he got up to use the restroom and I watched helplessly as he paraded into the ladies room, followed by a hasty exit, a big smile and some very flustered women, I felt a weight lift from my heart that had settled there somewhere along the way.

We dated for a couple years and my brain was still thinking critical thoughts about how he was not the perfect, stable, ivy-league man of my dreams. He was risky, lacked a strong path and was the opposite of what I had pictured for myself. But I was not able to walk away from him. I had never felt such a strong pull from somewhere inside me to ignore my rigid thinking and trust that this was what was best for me. I pushed him to be a bit more focused and he pushed me to be a bigger risk taker and less close minded. We offered each other something that we ourselves lacked and for once in my life I felt oddly comfortable. My list of things about him that did not meet my very lofty expectations was trumped by his thoughtfulness, caring and humor again and again - until the day I found myself under an arch of fragrant flowers with a hummingbird hovering over me as I said "I do".

We have been married for almost three years now and have found ourselves at the tail end of a week in which those old doubts and criticisms have begun to haunt me again. Being the fervent entrepreneur that he is, my husband has been working at an exciting start up with inspiring people. Somewhat surprisingly, we have found ourselves having to digest the news that his company is shutting its doors in the face of an economy in shambles. My critical tendencies have begun creeping into our conversations and I feel a sadness that we as a couple, might facing trouble.

I crave that stability I assume to see in others, but know that marriage is not about such things and that it's practically scientifically proven that the grass is not always greener. Marriage is a partnership and deep friendship that defies all odds. But these odds can sometimes feel almost to heavy to bear. I am, to put it bluntly, completely freaked out. I know that 50% of marriages end in divorce, most of those over financial problems. I do not want to be the kind of person whose vows of marriage read "for richer... or even richer", but I understand far too intimately the amount of strain finances can play on a partnership.

To make our week worse, our canine guru of happiness, Baxter, found his way into a bottle of medication that he clearly thought was some newfangled toy I had bought for him and mistakenly left on my bedside table. I rushed to the vet and checked him into the ICU, catching the doctor wearing a look of pessimism so strong on her face that I found myself barley able to stand, sobbing and screaming at myself for being so careless.

I called my husband, spewing practically inaudible sobs quite reminiscent of Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, and he rushed to be with me at the hospital. He hugged me, holding my tear-stained face as I apologized for being the worst dog mommy on the planet. He looked in my eyes and said, "He will be fine. I promise. This is not your fault, you are human and humans make mistakes." He stood solidly, with me at his feet crumpled in a ball, as the vet described what they needed to do and the fact that they had to keep our furry best friend overnight on an IV for monitoring.

We went home heavy hearted as I announced that I was going to ask the vet to neuter me because I clearly should not have a baby, being as irresponsible as I was. Andrew laughed and repeated, "He'll be fine and it's not your fault."

Baxter was fine, as we found out the next day via phone. My husband hung up with the vet and looked at me with a serious face, "She did say she was worried about one thing though." I looked at him in horror, sitting up violently and alertly, "She thinks Baxter seemed to be tapping out 'Don't send me back, she tried to kill me' in Morse code with his paws". He smiled and I laughed, throwing a pillow at him in relief.

At once, I thought, "This is why I love him." He made me laugh at a time when I was feeling my worst and never once blamed me or made me feel guilty. He loves me despite my practically unbearable flaws. Never would I trade those qualities for the "good on paper" guy I had so desired. Thinking about the wonderfully happy and sad times our future undoubtedly holds, the only person I want by my side is him.

As we turn to face the unsteady job market, I need to keep this in mind. He has been there for me countless times; sharing a smile and giving me pep talks that would rival Tony Robbins'. We have come so far together in the past few years, a distance probably unreachable as individuals. I have been there to cheer him on as he received a master's degree, something very few expected of him. He supported me in chasing my dream job, adding pressure on himself without my second income.

We, as such opposites, desperately need each other to survive. In troubled times like these, I need to cling to that belief. I now need to hug him and look him in the face and be the one to say, " We'll be fine, its not your fault" and trust that this too shall pass, and that we will be together, making each other laugh through it all.

Comments

[ct306]

Erin, what a heartfelt and wonderfully written article. I am equally appalled by dadw5boys. He is unfairly judging you (and women) and I can only guess projecting his feelings on the matter. Your article was about love, marriage and making it work through whatever life throws your way. You have a deep love for your husband and are confident and open enough to ask some tough questions, which as you concluded in your article only make your feelings for him stronger. I am single and deep in the dating world. Recently good guys on paper have come my way and I have to tell you other than the paper I felt no connection, zero. Trust me I tried. Thank you for reminding me what real love is all about!

[dadw5boys]

OK, Typical woman so whats news here ???

If he losses his job and remains unemployed for a longtime will you still feel the same?

Can you say to him don't worry your only human you will fond a job someday?

Or will you take off looking for the B B D. (bigger better deal)

[eringates]

"Typical woman"? What exactly is that supposed to mean?
I'm sorry you are so obviously bitter on the topic, but I do not think you can assume anything about women in general, or more specifically, me, when faced with a personal issue such as this.

[lfod01]

I think I understand what "dadw5boys" was trying to communicate. Marriage is supposed to be "for better or worse". Erin Gates exposes the unhappy truth, which in this case seems to be that her commitment is limited to a partner who can financially provide.

Those who know true love understand that it is not dependent on a paycheck. While Erin Gates may ultimately succeed in "trading up" to a collar-popped gent from the Hamptons, it's doubtful that her understanding of true human emotion will improve.

[SeriousBlack]

It sounds like you've got a good man there. A nice read to break up my day--thanks!