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How to Host a Fetus

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In response to Virginia Senator Steve Martin's remarks about reproductive rights, I dove into my collection of Victorian etiquette books to find more information on the proper way to host a fetus. This is an excerpt from Lady Trufoil Von Avon's Victorian etiquette book, Deportment in Refined Society: Etiquette and Manners of a True Lady.

There is no matter more delicate, nor provocative, than a hostess' decision to host a fetus - after all, it is the purpose of her existence, and such matters must not be handled with frivolity!

Everything must be considered, from the social standing of the hostess, to her general spirits, to her ability to succor and coddle the guest once it has emerged from her uterine front door.

Should a hostess determine that the accommodation of a fetus is a pragmatic impossibility, she must let the fetus know at once! It is considered unseemly, gauche and in some cases, criminal to do otherwise.

However, if a fetus presents itself unannounced, and without a letter of recommendation or title, it is perfectly admissible to declare it unwelcome - in which case a servant may see it out. One must never personally handle the removal of a fetus, as it is improper, even by Continental standards.

Should one make the bold and admirable decision to host a fetus, she must first ensure that meals of the best quality and erudite conversation are both abundant, and easily accessed. As always, refrain from discussing politics or religion, as it is in poor taste to mention polarizing topics, ever.

Well, I guess you can't argue with the rules of a civilized society. Feathery, grandiose hats off to you, Lady Trufoil.