There's a guy in my neighborhood who dresses like Jesus Christ. He walks around Fountain, in Hollywood, just doin' his thing -- petting dogs and saying "hi" to everyone. Jesus my neighbor, and most of the people in L.A., are pretty great. I'm super lucky to know a lot of smart, kind, weird and wonderful people in the city. And my lady friends are especially fantastic.
But you wouldn't know that by watching "The Women of L.A."
"The Women of L.A." is a music video/story about a guy (DJ Lubel) who moved to LA (from NYC) only to be told by his LA friends that no one gets laid in L.A.
No one.
Why?
Because the women in this city are awful!
After the expositional introsketch, the song kicks off with a trio of women (including Internet-lebrity Taryn Southern) breaking down exactly why they're not pulling down their lady pantaloons for guys in L.A.:
Hey you, yes it's true
We will make your balls blue
We're the women of LA
We ignore cause you're poor and you're not Pauley Shore,
We're the women of LA
From Westwood to Brentwood
Never would touch your wood
Wrapped in a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air homage, DJ enters to address the heart of the issue -- that he is rejected by women left and right in Los Angeles because, well, he just doesn't meet the high standards of the L.A. female population:
This is a story all about how
I moved to Hollywood and get shot down
By girls so hot that you can't kiss
When your face looks like Andy Dick
The scene is set. Lights, camera, action on:
-- Cartoonish women telling us why they're not having sex with DJ, for shallow reasons I've never heard an actual woman (not on a low rate hour long drama) utter.
-- DJ justifying the use of these stereotypes, by hiding behind self deprecation.
Now that we've established that these fictional women, the kind of women who get in cat fights in water troughs on Dallas, are not nice, they're about to get more not nice. Number one, they do lots of drugs.
Hence all the insults, like, until you're "paid like Nic Cage, go get laid at Rage" -- a gay bar in West Hollywood.
(DRAG QUEENS)
What's worse than not being able to rock it with a hot girl? Having to get busy with a gay dude-looks-like-a-lady. Which is a thing because you know how all gay men will have sex with anything cause they're gay? Because that's how gay people work. You just put a butthole in front of them and they're happy as clams! Gay people are funny cause they're gay and they do gay things! Jokes!
It wouldn't be a true song about Los Angeles if the Valley wasn't promptly skewered. And not only the Valley, overweight girls who live in the Valley!
This is top shelf pussy
(NOT VALLEY GIRLS)
You should try the Vall-ey
(VALLEY GIRLS)
And the music cuts out completely. Just like a record scratch at a party! You know, like when something UNBELIEVABLE happens! Like overweight girls! Whoa! It's funny 'cause they're not rail thin! Who loves chubby girls? No one! Who saw GIRLS this weekend?! Who read Rex Reed's IDENTITY THIEF review? POINT PROVEN! Jokes!
DJ's complaining that hot girls won't go to the bone zone with him, but then, he won't go to the bone zone with chubby girls from the Valley. Can you believe a person could have such a Grand Canyon lack of awareness about what he's doing? He's doing the very thing to these Valley girls that he's complaining is being done to him by the hands of hot girls. What a fun little circle of bullshit!
(WEST HOLLYWOOD GIRLS)
All you need to know about these girls is they love kale juice, Lululemon, and talking about working at CAA. Which all seems like normal women trying to build a career for themselves in L.A. while staying healthy, but we're quickly reminded that these girls get plenty of $$$ help from their dads! Unlike guys in L.A., who have never spent a dollar of their parents' money, because guys are men and they do men things, like make money.
(BEVERLY HILLS GIRLS)
Persians. Too much perfume. Hair. A simple boiling down of a type of woman, a city and a culture, all at once. It's like magic... but sad and hurtful.
And for no reason, other than to probably drive views, Jaleel White shows up.
(JALEEL WHITE)
He does an ill placed rap where he almost smashes a TV. Well, he hits it real hard with a bat, but nothing breaks. Perhaps he's not mad enough about the boots he hasn't been knockin'?
Question: What's the best AIDS musical to get a misogynist's point across? RENT, of course.
(RENT)
Five hundred twenty four hundred six thousand women,
Have rejected me in LA County.
Five hundred twenty four hundred six thousand dollars,
Is what you need to get pussy.
Finally, someone put a number on how much it costs to buy another human being! Or at least, a vagina.
What has to be the worst scene/lyric in this whole five minute tirade against girls, are these lyrics:
They don't drink on dates
Cause they're afraid of DUI
One wine's not enough
To get between my thighs
(PRE-DATE RAPE SCENE)
First of all, rape. Secondly, shaming a person for not drinking enough?! Incredible. Remember earlier when that girl was snorting cocaine? What a loser! Remember just now when that girl wouldn't drink a lot? What a loser!
I wrote a song, here's the first part:
It makes me sad this is a thing
I'm a woman in L.A.
Look, I'm sure DJ Lubel didn't set out to make something misogynistic or anti-women.
This is what makes it so horrifying. He doesn't even know what he's doing. It's the attitude of "I'm a guy, how dare these women reject me!?," implying that women are here to serve men, despite how women feel. Which was a fun idea back when it was called The Donna Reed Show. And because he is blind to what he is doing, he doesn't realize the degree to which he is completely dehumanizing women to the point of denying that they have their own wants and desires and thoughts and opinions, all so he can promote a series of LA clichés that were sort of acceptable before 1985.
DJ, and others who like the video, I believe, think it's all in good fun. It's exactly like when my mom says something hurtful to me, cause she's passive aggressive and Irish, and then says "Just kidding!" As if "joking around" is an acceptable excuse to act like a total jerk face.
There's also a deep river of anger throughout "Women of L.A." I get it. Dating is hard. People are mean. It happens to everyone. Last year, I went on about 40 dates, all with guys who were not right for me. I paid for my own meals and my own drinks and I spent a lot of money. But, I don't hate the entire male population of Los Angeles because none of those guys worked out -- because it's unfair to use hurt feelings and resentment to attack an entire gender.
Last year, I met DJ. I was dating his friend (pre-40 dates nightmare). My boyfriend played me this song and I remember saying "oh, this is the worst idea, how could a person write that, etc." Despite that, I gave DJ a birthday present. Cause he's a human being, and it was his birthday and I wanted him to have a fun birthday present. Which is why it makes me doubly sad/mad that I am writing this piece. I feel like if it were the '80s, I would have taken the demo tape and burned it, so this never happened. But, I don't have a time machine and this didn't happen in the '80s and this whole scenario is impossible so I shouldn't waste everyone's time with it. But just know, I had the thought.
My point is, I know DJ, and he's a nice guy. And he deserves to be loved and have a great relationship with a great girl. In the meantime, there's a lesson to be learned about how to not vilify, demean, degrade and disrespect an entire city of women just because you can't get your dick wet.
Pussy's not a right -- it's a privilege. And if you want it, treat the things wrapped around pussies (women) with respect and dignity.
It's what Jesus would do. Jesus my neighbor.
(Special thanks to Alex Fernie (@ferniecommaalex) and Allison Hord (@hordie))