Do you frequently post attention-seeking profile pictures that are sexually suggestive or falsely depict your net worth? The cause of your behavior could be Pervasive Thirst Disorder (PTD).
PTD is a condition characterized by an enduring pattern of thirst in social media profile pictures or avatars. Thirst is typically manifested as hypersexual or delusional consumerist behavior, which serves to increase one's self-esteem or dating pool.
For a PTD diagnosis, individuals must frequently upload profile photos that display a pervasive pattern of excessive thirst. This behavioral pattern interferes with daily functioning (e.g., healthy relationships and employment); and includes the uploading of profile pictures containing one or more of the following:
- Full or partial nudity*
- Smizing + Winking (Smwinking)
- Tongue Protrusions/Lip-Licking
- Bending over when there is nothing to pick up
- Muscle flexing
- Muscle flexing in lots of oil
- Muscle flexing in lots of oil near a candle
- Money flashing
- Posing in front of or lying across perceived luxury items
- Posing in front of or lying across perceived luxury items that do not belong to you
- Holding the lapel of a business suit (with no business)
*Partial nudity excludes an occasional vacation photograph in tasteful swimwear, while standing upright and looking straight ahead. The photo must not
remain posted for longer than three days. The individual cannot engage in thirsty behaviors 2-15 in the swimwear photograph.
*Self-photography while engaged in thirsty behaviors indicates that you could have a severe case of PTD. Consult a professional immediately.
Recommendations for Prevention and Intervention. Here are a few strategies for beating PTD:
"I am smart, I am kind, I am important."
"Wealthy people rarely pose and look directly at the camera while doing wealthy things."
"Pouting does not make me whole."
"My higher power loves me."
"I don't have a higher power, but if I did, it would love me."
"I am not my suit."
"I am not my booty."
"I will never look like Beyonce, Sofia Vergara, Scarlett Johansson, Lucy Liu, Naomi Campbell or Maggie Q, and that is ok because they don't even look like themselves without photo editing and makeup... or at least that's what this affirmation wants me to believe."
"I look more like George Bush than George Clooney, and that is ok."
"My 17-thread count sheets are juuuuust fine."
- Just stop.
- Find an accountability buddy. Before uploading a picture, contact your most honest comrade and ask him or her, "Do I look thirsty?" If you do not have any friends, it is probably because you have PTD.
- Don't get drunk. To reduce your chances for PTD, consume alcohol in moderation, if at all. Too much alcohol skews your Do-I-Look-Thirsty-Meter. When intoxicated, the risk for thirsty photo uploads increases by approximately 50%. If you are an uncontrollable drunk who exhibits PTD behaviors, then rest assured that everyone is always talking about your profile pictures behind your back.
- Daily affirmations. A daily affirmation might be the most effective way to beat PTD. Here are a few that are sure to work:
Do you know of other thirsty behaviors? You might even have your own suggestions for ways to prevent or treat PTD. If so, please leave a comment so that we can cure this horrible disorder.
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