The day is rapidly approaching and you can barely sleep at night. There's so much to get done and every day there's a new wedding fire to put out. People have sent in RSVPs for more people than you invited, you're switching the seating chart almost daily, and you worry you'll get to the end of the aisle and forget your vows or your emotions will bubble up and choke you at that critical moment. You're terrified you aren't the picture of beauty a bride is supposed to be and somehow you'll be disappointing. Two weeks to go and you think, "Who are we doing this for, really?"
So many girls grow up wanting the fairy-tale wedding. I was just surprised we got to the proposal. After 7 years together, I all but concluded that if he never asked, then a wedding wasn't in the cards for me and I prepared myself for the possibility. I knew even then that what I wanted wasn't the wedding. It was the man. It was the life together.
Ten years have gone by since we had a wedding day, and I can honestly say that this one single day out of the thousands we've shared as husband and wife was the least important. It was beautiful, don't get me wrong. We were full of pent up excitement and nervousness. Walking back down the aisle there was a thrill in knowing we did it. We made a commitment we didn't really understand the full weight of yet. That's what faith in a person looks like. It's making a promise to love someone through the unknown.
We couldn't have imagined all the hard times we'd endure, though his mother passing away two months before the wedding was probably a good indicator. I didn't even know if we should have a celebration on the heels of such grief. But that's what love in a marriage really is -- a choice to carry on even when it seems incredibly hard. It's choosing to remember the good during the dark parts of the path.
Sometimes you'll have to push each other forward, sometimes you'll walk arm in arm and trust me, there comes a time in every marriage where you wonder (if even for a brief moment) if you can even stand up, let alone walk. Love propels you when you've got nothing left in your tank. So the real question is not, "Who do you want standing next to you on this one day?" but "Who do you want standing next to you for the rest of your life?"
My husband and I have endured the loss of parents (both his and mine), loss of a baby, loss of a job, and debt we didn't know how we'd get out from under. But that's not what I think of when I look at him. I see my three beautiful children. I see the person I have loved every single second from the time we met. I see the best friend I can't wait to talk to. I see the person who has stood by my side every day for 17 years. I see the person worth fighting for.
Ten years ago, I stood up in front of my family and friends and promised to love him forever. But the truth is, I made that promise long before then. My heart made up my mind almost from the very beginning. It's always been kind of spooky how I find what I really want right away. But I think that I just know what I love and it's been easy to avoid things and people that don't fit that. I guess you could say, I never really wanted just a boyfriend. I wanted the love of my life.
Two weeks before the wedding, I wanted to elope! I was sick and tired of planning a perfect day. I thought, "The wedding isn't for us." I was right.
You may believe you're doing this for you and your significant other, but you're not. You're doing it so friends and family can outwardly see what your heart already knows. Wanting a marriage is what you should really want because saying, "I do" on your best day is the easy part. Saying, "I will fight to love you every day for the rest of my life," that's the hard part. That's what makes a strong marriage.
So don't want a wedding; want every single day after that. Want the marriage in all its complexity. Want the joy and the sorrow, because you can't separate them. Want the life that you could never have imagined on your wedding day.
Have a special day. Have the time of your life, but want the marriage more. Want the struggle and the fight, want the most indescribable happiness, and want the person in all their flaws and fabulousness, because you simply don't want to walk this life with anyone else.
Ten years ago we had a wedding day, but I'm so glad I didn't want the wedding. I'm glad I wanted to be married to the love of my life and my very best friend because it's been an amazing journey.
This article originally appeared on The No Drama Mama where you can find more of Erin's posts on family, faith and frugal living. You can also follow her on Facbook.