Third Base Ain't What It Used To Be

There are things in my sexual history I remember vividly. From rubbing on stuffed toys to masturbating to giving birth to two children. From seeing a boy orgasm for the first time, to learning about anal plugs and male sleeves.

I was lucky. Anything my older cousin told me about sex wasn't locked away in my brain and repeated as truth. I knew better. I knew better because a very long time ago a rebellious woman who taught our school district's sex education class pulled a group of us girls OFF school property and told us the REAL deal on sex. Not the watered down, censored version of what the government and your parents and priests agreed you could know. Not the fuzzy "don't have sex until marriage and we're not allowed to tell you about condoms so don't ask" discussion one Wednesday afternoon in the gymnasium. No. Mrs. D. wasn't having any of it.

I remember sitting at my desk, separated from the boys, while she began her very boring, very generic speech on how I may bleed from my crotch and I'll need to know what a pad looks like. How my boobs will grow and I"ll get hair in places I didn't realize hair grew. How one day, when I was really in love, married, and wanted to make a baby, a boy would be involved and something that looked like a tadpole would swim up me and pierce an egg.

It was all very vague.

All the girls in the class knew it. Mrs. D. knew it. But we sat there and listened anyway. We all KNEW there was stuff missing from this "talk"-but we girls were too shy to ask and then probably be branded a "slut" and Mrs. D. was forbidden by the law to tell us much more.

Then something happened. I'm not sure if she could see the confusion in our eyes or if she was just sick and tired of the restrictions placed upon her...but she stopped.

She stopped her lecture right in the middle of showing us our fallopian tubes, set down her pointer stick, and sighed.

She walked in front of the desk and leaned on a student's desk in the front row.

"I'm not going to bullshit you girls. If you want to know the REAL deal with sex, and all the things you NEED to know, meet me across the street by the dumpsters after the bell rings."

Then she casually walked back to the chalk board, picked up her pointer, and finished her very boring lecture on my innards.

Of course a giggling pack of us tentatively walked across the street when the bell rang. There was Mrs. D. waiting. She opened her purse and showed us a condom, she let us touch it and practice putting it on a banana. She told us about birth control pills, she told us about sexually transmitted diseases. She told us about abortion. She told us about adoption. She also told us if any of us girls needed any of these things, here was her home number and she'd be happy to help us. Then she closed up her purse, and walked back across the street to the school.

It took me many years to realize how brave Mrs. D. was that day. She retired from teaching that very year. I have no idea if parents found out. If the school found out. If she ever got in any trouble.

When I was in high school, I remember hearing she had passed away. I wondered how many girls she saved from teenage pregnancy by breaking the rules. How many girls she bought birth control pills for. How many girls she counseled after a boy violated her young body.

I was lucky.

Mrs. D. was truth in a world of lies and whispers and hushed conversations between adults. She told us the truth, and I swore I would do the same for my children.

Not long ago, Suzanne over at CUSS sent me an email about a new book coming out, and recommended I take a look see. The author, Logan Levkoff, sent me an advanced copy of "Third Base Ain't What it Used to Be," and I dove in before I could throw the box away.

Please let this be a real way to talk to your kids about sex. Please let this not be the watered down, glossed over version of public school sex ed.

I wasn't disappointed. Third Base Ain't What It Used To Be is a practical parent's guide to talking to your children about sex. From making sure you use REAL words with your small children (like PENIS and VAGINA-not wee-wee and whoo-ha) to talking to your teens about blow jobs and flavored condoms. Yes, you need to talk to your teens about blow jobs, because guess what... they are getting them and giving them.

Logan gives you ways to approach the subject with your kids without freaking them (or yourself) out and teaches you how to keep the dialog open and honest. She doesn't push her views on you, there is room for you to, of course, teach your children your beliefs...but she also doesn't bullshit. She gives you the stats on abstinence only programs and why they suck. Why its important your teenage daughter knows how to put a condom on a penis. Why your son needs to buy his own rubbers. Why you should encourage masturbation. And maybe most importantly, why you need to get over your own sexual hang ups and talk honestly with your kids about all things sexual.

One of the parts of the book I loved, in particular, was discussing ENJOYING sex with your daughters. Yes, letting a girl know and understand from a young age that sex is not a chore. Sex is not a duty. Sex is something she can ENJOY.

WOW, what a concept. A generation of girls knowledgeable, educated with more than "vague concepts," and prepared to be sexual when they are ready and capable of enjoyment. Not because it's what is expected at this point in the relationship. Not to keep a boy. Not to do what all the other girls are doing. Not to see what all the fuss is about, but because she wants to. Because she knows how to have an orgasm and can expect her lover to give her one, or teach him how. She knows how to protect herself from STDs and pregnancy.

Holy empowerment batman.

Logan also talks about teaching our sons respect, responsibility, and knowing their role in pleasing a woman.

But maybe most importantly, the entire book discusses how YOU, as the PARENT, need to be your child's MAIN SOURCE for all things sex. Did you squirm in your chair a little? Ya-you are no longer absolved by way of some 7th grade health class. Nope. You get to be Jr.'s sex educator, and let's face it...you should be. From their little, toddler, rubbing on stuffed animal years to their "ohmygawdpleasedon'tknockupyourgirlfriendinhighschool" days. YOU get to be their guide.

So if you are a bit out of touch with the current lingo for going down on a girl or blow job parties (uh-huh-they have them) pick up Logan's book. She can help.

You might even learn a few things.

Comments

[Caitlain]

For those of you who think the majority of teens aren't engaging in oral sex, there's a word to describe you. That word would be "naive."

If your son or daughter has more than one friend, statistically, it is likely one of them is sexually active. Your child can learn about sex from them, porn, television or......you. Even the most "comprehensive" sex ed curricula today don't cover everything they need to know to protect themselves. They won't, for instance, teach your boy how to respect the concept of "no" when in the heat of the moment - they don't allow them to talk about those kinds of things in sex ed classes.

It's up to you. Failure on your part is akin to playing Russian Roulette with your child's health and, yes, their life.

Your call.

[rlehman]

Because no one ever talked to me about sex it had no meaning other than the mysterious. Because my parents were uncomfortable talking about sex I never even got the abstinence lecture. Because the sex ed at school was so deficient I came away with nothing more than what I had learned on the playground. Sex was how you got babies. As soon as I could I discovered sex on my own. Promiscuous was my middle name. I truly believe had anyone been honest with me about sex and how important it is to human beings I would have approached it with some sense that it was special and something I could wait on instead of being hell bent for leather on discarding myself of my hymen at the ripe old age of 15.

[May2002]

I bought this book with high expectations and was greatly disappointed. It was not very well written, esp. in light of one I also got by Deborah Haffner, "From Diapers to Dating." This author isn't very thorough, jumps all over the place in her presentation of the information, and comes across as an obnoxious know it all. Definitely doesn't live up to the credentials she claims.

[flasher3838]

i highly doubt that even most teens are either giving or recieving blow jobs on a regular basis. plus encouraging your child to masterbate is just a hair close to beeing sick. nobody encouraged me or my friends to masterbate as kids but we seemed to do it quite a bit regardless. frank talk about sexuality is one thing but to suggest that all teens are doing this so you must know about this is to encourage such behavior. when the ideal behavior is for a teen to wait till they are in a real relationship with someone before they have sex. blow job parties are not a good thing and no frank discusion can make them seem to be good things. i think this writer is just all to into talking about sex.

[Erin Kotecki Vest - Huffpost Blogger]

I don't think anyone here is advocating all the kids go out and have blow job parties, but it is a statistical fact that oral sex and teens is skyrocketing. I firmly believe denying they exist and refusing to discuss it with your teenager is not just bad parenting but just another way for you to stick your fingers in your ears and "lalalalalalala" to what is going on around you in this day and age. As the author states in the book, "The girls' statements also describe why oral sex has become so popular: (1) you maintain the title of 'virgin'...(2) performing fellatio is an easy way to keep boyfriends appeased without having intercourse..." (pg. 105)

I don't think "all" teens are engaging in oral sex. That's just silly. A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT OF THEM ARE. And let's say you have angel children who are not engaging in oral sex, are you just going to skip that part of your sex talk? Are you suggesting they've never heard of it? That discussing all forms of sex-oral, anal, vaginal-is beyond what you think is appropriate? Parents need to have an open and honest discussion with their kids about sex. That includes all the really dirty things you don't want to think of but their friends just might be doing. I'm not entirely sure where talking about it with your kids translates into "hey go out and have a blow job party." I clearly do not want my kids to be thinking or engaging in ANY sexual behavior until they are responsible and mature enough. When you tell your kids about how a baby is made, are you encouraging them to go make one? Good grief people. Education is key.

The only time I mentioned "encouraging" was about masturbation. They should know its healthy they explore their bodies. That it is acceptable in private and there is nothing to be ashamed of. That is ONE sexual act I can get behind telling them is OK.

[LoganLevkoff]

As the author of Third Base... I am so delighted to see that there are so many comments. One of the goals of writing this book was to initiate a dialogue. We all come to parenting and sexuality from different places; however, the sexual landscape and its role in our culture today looks unlike that of our own childhoods. It is our responsibility to examine the realities of what the adolescent world looks like. By no means are "blowjob parties" a universal phenomenon, but their mere existence represents a cultural shift. Teen perception of sex and intimacy has changed and we have be realistic about that. I believe that frank discussions about sexuality (including facts, values, negotiating skills, and the importance of pleasure - both emotional and physical) actually encourage people to take sexuality seriously, as an important and wonderful part of their lives, which in turn, encourages them to make better decisions about sex...now and in the future.

[drblack]

After reading and thinking about some of the responses I realize just how afraid and ashamed many Americans are of sex.
It also made me think of how sexual attitudes are cultural constructs that we are programmed to accept as truth.
I recognize these limitations and beliefs in myself and try to stop being so programmed.
When I made a study of sexual attitudes beliefs and practices through the ages I was surprised at the variety of practices and ideas about sex that have been present throughout history.
Face it people...we are still bound up with the Puritans and it is unhealthy.

[drblack]

Thanks for the great story. Mrs. D is my kind of person.
Sex is great and should be presented that way. It has do's and don'ts like most activities and people need to be taught these.
Sex should be celebrated as one of the best things in life and not treated like something "dirty".
American's should stop being afraid and embarrassed by sex.

[kellygrrrl]

I still can't get past my outrage at imagining the possibility that Ms. D was fired.

My daughter has a few friends (13 and 14 y/o) who are extremely sheltered (read: religious families)
they ask me questions and it kills me to have to censor the information I give them. I usually try to give them some information and encourage them to read a few books, but it's definitely a fine line.
When I was in high school, my mom was the mom that gave girls a ride to the clinic for birth control.
Back then I just thought she was really nice.
I never thought about how brave she was.
I wouldn't do that.
Some of these parents would have me arrested if I even told their daughters that there is a clinic.

[andy754]

Its sad that our society can't prhttp://editorial.huffingtonpost.com/modsuite/?tool=approve&username=&filter_entry_id=&pending=0&page=1#
Edit commentovide the truth to our children. Everyone needs a Mrs. D. because at the end of the day leaving the onus on parents to teach their kids about sex will leave many kids uneducated due to parents own inhibitions.

-andy754

[Desiderata]

I don't know. I don't think I should ever teach my daughter how to give a boy a blowjob, and that decision on my part in no way transfers that "talk" to a teacher.

Just because "blowjob parties" happen, doesn't mean parents should prep their kids to be participants.

[Erin Kotecki Vest - Huffpost Blogger]

uuuh....I think you should "talk" to your children about blow job parties...not "teach" them how or "participate"-maybe you misread?

[Desiderata]

I apoligize for my misunderstanding. However, I know nothing about nor have ever participated in a "blowjob party" so would be unqualified to address the subject with other than, "Don't."

A good writer writes of what he or she has experienced in life__as you have. How many teachers have personally experienced such a "party" and what gives them the legal or moral right to address the issue with anyone's kids without parental consent.

I am a very progressive parent, but not that progressive. Of course I believe I am a parent first before a friend or confidant.

And as for your teacher, I cannot help but wonder if she had children of her own and, if so, was she as able to speak so "freely" with her own kids as she was with the children of others. And would she have been so accepting of her children's teachers having a conversation about God, Politics, Sex or even Extraterrestrials with her kids in back of the school by the garbage bins?

[jbgnyc]

Not every parent can comfortably teach a daughter about things sexual but ALL parents can comfortably listen. My daughter and I would take long walks while she was in jr/sr highschool and I never got a word in edgewise. She would start to talk about school then suddenly it was sex (always somebody else doing something). Who knew if she was talking about herself or someone else. But I learned that if I listened quietly, didn't jump in with any put downs or judgements, she would offer more and more specifics.If I interrupted with advice, she'd clam up. Eventually, when she knew she had my trust (i.e. never repeat anything to anywone), I was able to offer my own personal warnings, suggestions, feedback, life experience. etc. Telling parents they should talk to their kids about sex is all well and good and I'm all for it. But somebody needs to add, beside doing the "talk" make sure you're doing the listening.

[Purple Girl]

AWESOME!!
I have not had my own child but have been a step mom, to a daughters whos own mother told her NOTHING and sent her to a 'christian school'. One afternoon the tow of us stumbled through a conversation and have continued talking to a point where we both are comfortable (she's 24 now)
It surprises me ow few parents really comprehend the enormity of their task when they decide to have a child- perhaps they should more rigorously. I'm glad to see an article focusing on one of those unpleasant must necessary parental duties.

[Garioch]

A teacher who actually wanted to teach and had a real interest in doing the job properly... it'll never catch on!
RIP Mrs. D.