THE BLOG

...wondering if I would be arrested in Wisconsin

05/25/2011 12:15 pm ET

Theoretically when my children can read, they could easily find my blogs. There are times I don't close my laptop, there are times I am on the phone saying things like "Queen of Spain" and "Queen's Bedroom." My big mouth can be found, easily, all over the web.

I've been asked many times what I will say when they see what I've written. I've talked about them right along with talking about blow jobs. Will they be scarred? Will they feel used? Will they report me to authorities?

There is a story out of Wisconsin about a mom who got graphic with her kids while talking about sex. I have no idea if this woman is a lunatic and did things that would even make me blush. What I do know is this court case sets one hell of a precedent for those of us who speak frankly to our children.

"According to the charges filed against her, Smalley last year told her sons about several sexual experiences she had. She also allegedly described performing oral sex and also showed the two a sex toy."

I suppose if I were not blogging these things, I'd be talking about them. Outloud. To friends. To family. To anyone who would listen. This is life. I don't hide. I would tell stories of my life to a room full of friends and talk about sex to a gaggle of girlfriends. It's who I am. Anyone who knows me will tell you the way I write is the way I talk. So when it comes to discussing sex with my kids...do you think I'll censor?

I am a firm believer in answering honestly. If my daughter asks me what I do in bed...how I do it...will I answer her if I think I will get PUT IN JAIL? I'm guessing I'll be in prison before my kids turn 17 if that is the case. Of course I will make every attempt to be truthful yet age appropriate, but I can't imagine I will hold back much.

How far would I go? How graphic would I get? I would like to think I could describe oral sex, something that got the mother in question in trouble. Show my children a vibrator as part of one of my speeches? Why on earth wouldn't I if they asked? Are children capable of understanding and hearing these things in the media and public NOT allowed to know what they are, what they look like, what they do????

"Why yes, this is what they look like...it can be used for masturbation, which is perfectly normal and healthy when done in private." is exactly what I would say.

My children will be totally freaked out and embarrassed by me for about one million reasons. I can think of many worse things I will do, correction, have done, than educate them about sex.

I've noticed many people arguing the only way to look at this situation is to imagine it was a father talking to daughters. Accusations of "pervert" and "pedophile" would fly, they say. I just hope when my kids' father sits down and has one of many discussions with them about the birds and the bees, he doesn't feel censored because he's afraid of being imprisoned.

Again, by all news accounts I am not sure what sort of conversation this mother had with her sons, but let's say she was graphic as hell...maybe she told them she likes it on top. Maybe she told them what she does to please a man. Maybe she was totally inappropriate. She was charged with a felony,

"In the agreement, Smalley pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of exposing a child to harmful material in exchange for the dismissal of a felony charge of exposing a child to harmful descriptions."

I'd like to know exactly what constitutes "harmful material" and "harmful descriptions" and who gets to decide. I'm assuming this information coming from a parent is also taken into account? Maybe not?

I think I'm just going to start planning for my incarceration. Years from now when my kids are older, they'll be surfing the net and come across mommy's blogs. I'll, of course, answer any questions they have...and then apparently get myself a lawyer.