5 Reasons Why Internet Porn Is Good for America

Some "experts" say the Web's proliferation of porn is eating away at America's morals. eSarcasm's own scientific expert, Dr. Smartass, says it's making us better citizens -- and he has the hard data to prove it. Here's the good doctor's (note: not an actual doctor) take on Net naughtiness:

Feeling guilty for wasting hours away in front of the boob tube? Not the television, mind you, but the various x-rated "tube" sites scattered all over the Net? Well, you may not need to feel bad at all: It turns out Internet porn may have a positive effect on society.

Lest you think you're the only one who questions his devotion to the babes of Web Land, let's head to my trusty inbox for this week's inquiry:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I know I look at too much online porn, and sometimes I feel kind of dirty afterward. But when my girlfriend saw my browser history, she freaked out. She says porn encourages promiscuity, rape, and all sorts of other crap. PLEASE help me prove her wrong.

-Quentin

My dear Quentin, I feel your pain. Your throbbing, rock hard pain just begging for your lady's touc -- er, sorry. Scrap that last part. Been watching a bit too much of the ol' bouncy-bounce myself.

My good Q, if you've read my columns for long, you know you don't have to twist my arm to get me to scream "YES! OH YES!" when it comes to the subject of sexual exploration. But as we know, pornography can be a hairy and emotional topic to discuss. To erect an impartial wall of evidence showing porn's positive potential, let's turn to some hard data that'll help you drive home the point.

A recent analysis looked at how sexual behaviors have shifted since porn became more accessible with the advent of the Internet (God bless that day). It found five significant changes from the pre-Internet-porn days to now:

1. Measures of "sexual irresponsibility" have gone down (pardon the term). Researchers measure this by looking at unwanted pregnancies and STD transmissions, both of which have fallen by more than 50 percent since the early '90s.
2. Teen sex has also somehow become less common, falling 7 percent from 1991 to 2005. Granted, the horny buggers are all sexting, but that's typically a no-contact sport.
3. Among teens who are doing the nasty, 16 percent more are wearing condoms now than in the pre-online porn era. Latex has never been so stylish!
4. America's divorce rate has dropped by almost a quarter since video porn became readily available online.
5. Even rates of sexual assault -- something some people claim pornography encourages -- have fallen by 44 percent since 1995.

Whether watching people boff on the Net directly caused all those things is a matter of debate, but one thing's for certain: As porn has become more prominent in our society, gauging by these numbers, the world has become a more sexually responsible place. How about them apples?

So, sir Q, bring this knowledge to your fine female companion and see if that calms her concerns. If not, I have one final prescription for you: private-browsing mode.

Remember:

Looking at porn shouldn't be such a stress,
Even if it does often cause quite a mess.
Cover your tracks and it won't need be known,
Who or what you just watched getting blown.

Until next time,

Have questions of a prurient or embarrassing nature? The doc is in. Send them to [e-mail]. He promises not to snicker.

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Comments

[JL-Sosa]

Dr. Smartass,

I could not agree with you more. In fact, the greatest testament to the power and sheer unadulterated (no pun intended) majesty of internet pornography is the fact that it stays always on the cutting edge of society and is a true bellwether of the times. There can be no greater example of this than the brilliant series "Who's Naylin Paylin", absolute masterpiece.

Not only does the star look a lot like Mrs. Palin, but the interweaving of two "Russians" into the film, making very rogue-like reference to her comment that she could see Russia from her back yard, was classy as all hell.

[zach4500]

I see that this is headed as "eSarcasms" and is meant to be a joke... It is clever satire... especially since the stats quoted are all wrong:

Teenage Birthrate Increases For Second Consecutive Year
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/18/AR2009031801597.html

Syphilis Comeback Could Wipe Out Control Gains, Make Gonorrhea Resistant
http://www.infectioncontroltoday.com/hotnews/stds-syphilis-gonorrhea-update.html

Divorce is rising all around the world.
http://www.articlesbase.com/divorce-articles/world-divorce-rates-and-trends-1320750.html

[evster610]

You obviously didn't click on the links in the article.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200904/does-pornography-cause-social-harm

[Earl Dixon]

Who can say if it is good or bad, but ladies think about it this way if your man is cranking at home then you need not worry about another woman, the same hold true for PS2, PS3 and XBOX, i'm just saying.

[Naviti7]

Interesting. And why can't a woman expect to have a man who does neither?

[Blackbuddah]

The same reason men cant expect women to have Vacuum attachments on there upper and lower extremeties. No ones perfect.

[iplaw]

Naivety is a fitting name for you. Men have extremely powerful urges, and they become resentful if they do not satisfy those urges. This is a major cause of most divorces. Men who cheat or have "understanding" wives do not get resentful. Many women experience the same thing though it is not as universal.

[Rubicks]

Then there are those, like my Lady, who watch it with us AND who like gaming (PNP, MMO, console...­). She's a network admin, loves sci-fi and fantasy genres, anime, drinks beer, watches football and girl watches with me (hell, even points them out when I'm not looking, but mostly because she's drooling, herself).

I am an exceedingly lucky man :)

[RayD]

Lucky dog you.

[iplaw]

Many women "fake" being cool, but generally cannot keep up that act for more than a year.

[runner 08]

You are confusing the term "man" with what is, in reality, a "boy".

(hint: some males do get through and past adolescence. Not many, but a percentage does exist.)

[iplaw]

And which group is truly more enlightened, the "boys" or the "men"?

[eSarcasm - Huffpost Blogger]

and the technical term for them is "corpse"

[iplaw]

I find that women are only slightly less jealous of an Xbox than another woman.

[aero56]

Yes, your man may be "cranking" at home, but he isn't cranking with the wife. It's still wrong. It's cheating no matter how you look at it. It's lust, and God warns against lusting in your heart.

[mamacat]

How does one find porn on the internet? If it is so prevalent, why haven't I and it run into each other yet?

[GreenEyedGuru]

You probably have SafeSearch enabled.

[iplaw]

Lol, is that from your standup act?

[Neal Jansons]

Hear, hear! Let the pr0n flow freely like water from the heavens!

[AlButerol]

This analysis confirms what I have believed all along: porn is good for you! Everyone need more porn.