Holy Sex! How Seeking God Can Get You Laid

Note: The following article is written by Dr. Smartass, eSarcasm's medical columnist and gynecologist-in-training.

Welcome back, dear disciples, for another week of science-inspired Q&A! Last week, we tackled the topic of ta-tas -- specifically, what breast size and shape can tell you about a woman. It turns out I may have been a boob, however, by not first discussing the finest places to find fine ladies.

From my inbox:

Dear Dr. Smartass,

I'm 24 and have only had sex with two girls, both of whom were long-term girlfriends. I kind of want to just get out and get laid now, but I can't seem to get past the making out phase with the girls I'm dating (and I don't want to get into another long-term thing yet). I'm not a nightclub kind of guy. Where else can I meet women who are just looking to have a good time?

-Dave

Dave-O, you're in luck: Plenty of ladies are looking for no-strings lovin', and you don't have to hit the clubs to find 'em. Not that your trusty virtual doc knows anything about such matters first-hand -- as I told Mrs. S, that bodacious blonde in my office last week was our new secretary. She was only under my desk to look for some missing files.

Digressions aside, though, where should you seek out your new playmate? Well, Dave, the answer may surprise you.

It turns out church could be the best place on God's green Earth to get good tail. A recent study from the University of Kentucky shows spiritual women have the most overall sex, the most unprotected sex, and the highest number of sexual partners. Can I get a hallelujah?

Before you set out to deliver your, er, sermon, let me explain what's actually going on here. The pew-screw connection, you see, isn't completely coincidental. Rather, the researchers speculate, the high rate of humping may be because the spiritual girls long for a sense of connectedness.

"Believing one is intimately tied to other human beings and that interconnectedness and harmony are indispensable may lead one to believe sexual intimacy possesses a divine or transcendent quality in itself," one of the study's authors explains.

So my prescription for you, Dave: Try kneeling down next to a lovely lady next Sunday morning. If your prayers are answered, she might end up kneeling down again later that night. Just don't get greedy and expect a second coming.

Remember:

There won't be a need to use a lame line,
When you meet her in a place that's divine.
Open your mind and seek out holy flame.
Later that night, she'll be calling God's name.

Until next time,

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Comments

[maheanuu]

Way back in the 1950's I learned that the YFC girls loved to put out almost every Saturday evening I would attend the local YFC service in Portland as I knew for sure that I would get laid. It was my first real contact with the protestant religious right. This was while I was in high school, and around the school sex was verboten, but the YFC girls seemed to be ready for a romp immediately after the service... Talk about "Service with a smile". I have never forgotten those first tristes, I for one surely saw the light! God is love, in more ways than one.

[equianimi]

I think it depends on the church. I go to a Roman Catholic church which involves no talking or communicating with others except for a handshake part of the way through. My friend however goes to a more I guess "church of opinion" type of christian church full of former drug users, sex addicts, and people that had problems and are trying to get on a better path. He met girls left and right... constantly, and they weren't shy about getting down to business with him.

So it probably depends on the church, but if anyone has any ideas for the Catholic churchgoers let me know because I really don't know how it could work there.

[vorpalmusic]

I haven't read the study, but I have a hard time believing the conclusions. How about, less intelligent people go to church, and less intelligent people have sex really indiscriminately.

[powerlift2201]

Or how about religious women feel it's their duty to have kids so they are willing to have unprotected sex in order to reel in a man.

[vorpalmusic]

Yes, this also is more parsimonious than the study's formal conclusion.