THE BLOG

Starbucks Meets the iPhone

09/28/2009 05:01 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Starbucks is getting into the smartphone game with two new iPhone apps unveiled this week. One gives coffee-craving customers the ability to find stores and discover new drinks, while the other, still in limited testing, lets you actually pay for your order using your phone.

People seem pretty excited about these apps, but we think some important ones are missing -- apps that reflect the true Starbucks experience. Here are 10 apps we'd build, if we knew jack about programming:

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1. DeVentiLater

Speak the name of the drink you want ("large coffee with skim milk") and the app will translate into Starbucks' patented MoronSpeak language ("venti nonfat caffe misto no whip for JR").

2. MPSleaze

If you love that drippy music Starbucks has been paid to promote in its stores, you'll love MPSleaze. Just click a button on your iPhone and it will download whatever you're listening to as a ringtone ($3.99). Songs from especially annoying artists (Jack Johnson, The Ting Tings) may incur additional charges.

3. CostlyCoffee

A fun game for kids! See photos of different Starbucks drinks and try to guess how much dumb adults will actually pay for them.

4. Anti-Douchinator

Find the nearest Starbucks that isn't currently populated with 20-something douchebags wearing hoodies and knit caps, loudly watching videos on their laptops and commenting on how "tight" their Caramel Macchiatos are.

5. StarBust

2009-09-26-starbucksmermaid.jpgUse the iPhone's touch technology to push the logo-bound mermaid's locks aside and finally see that bodacious bosom. (FYI: They're not real.)

6. BarNone

Think you have what it takes to make it as a Starbucks barista? This interactive self assessment will let you know - and if you do well, automatically forward your resume to Starbucks' Seattle HQ. Sample questions include: Am I unable to make change without a calculator? Do I have an attitude problem? Do I look like I care?

7. Fat Facts

Nutritional information about Starbucks' healthy transfat-free beverages, such as the venti Mint Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Creme with chocolate whipped cream: 680 calories, 21 grams of fat, 93 grams of sugar. Hey, it won't clog your arteries (even if it does plump up your ass).

8. Gagger Counter

Ever wonder what makes Starbucks' baked goods so inedible? This Geiger-counter-style app gives you a readout of the radioactive isotopes, insect parts, and inert metals contained in every tasty morsel. You'll never go there hungry again.

9. Locator/Creator

Using the iPhone's GPS, detect the nearest Starbucks location. If it's more than 72 seconds away, a new one will be built right where you're standing. Watch your head!

10. Motivate This, Asshole

Generate your own lackluster motivational quote to be printed on your next Starbucks cup. Some suggestions, courtesy of the gang at Despair, Inc.:

  • You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.

  • There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.
  • If a cute saying on a coffee cup is all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind that robots will be doing soon.
  • For more Geek Humor Gone Wild, visit eSarcasm. You'll be glad you did.