Suck on This, Apple Fanboys

Hey, we love a good cat fight as much as the next guy. And if anyone should get into a hair pulling, face-clawing, blood-on-the-floor tussle, it might as well be Apple and Verizon.

Verizon has taken a shot at Apple with a clever commercial titled "iDon't" that points out everything its new Android 2.0-powered phone, The Motorola Droid, does that the iPhone does not.

 

The Droid Web site, on the other hand, looks like it was constructed by the Arnold Schwarzenneger character from Terminator 1 (not the lovable Teutonic hero of Terminators 2 & 3). And then there's the rather ambitious claim they appear to be making:

You betcha. And if it vibrated at precisely 200 kilohertz, we'd be singing "Jizz in My Pants."

However, we'll believe that claim the day our cell phones a) fix our traffic tickets, b) get us laid, or c) explain to our significant other(s) how we managed to get laid when they weren't in the room.

Also, the name: Droid is just a little too close to the 'Noids, that execrable marketing campaign Dominoes Pizza foisted on us in the late '80s. We've been Avoiding the Noids -- and Dominoes -- ever since.

Still, anyone willing to make fun of Apple, thus taking some of the heat off us, is OK in our book. In fact, we liked the idea so much we made our own little list of things we at eSarcasm don't or won't do.

WeDon't:

... eat our own filth

... eat other people's filth (unless it's high-quality imported filth)

... give even the tiniest shit about Jon and Kate Gosselin

... believe anything Michael Arrington writes unless he's got a station wagon full of nuns as witnesses, and the nuns have all passed lie detector tests, and they can prove they're really nuns and not just guys dressed up like nuns

... party with Lindsay Lohan (and not just because she hasn't asked us to yet)

... pretend our six-year-old son is piloting a helium balloon at 10,000 feet when we've really just stashed him inside a cardboard box in the attic

... name any child 'Falcon' (heck, why not Fairlane or Taurus?)

... vomit and/or fart loudly on national television (but there's still time)

... live blog Apple's earnings announcements

... let friends use AOL

... post nude pix of ourselves on Flickr. Isn't that why God invented MySpace?

... speculate over which no-name actor/model/general douchebag is statutorily "not having sex" with Miley Cyrus

... have posters of Megan Fox on our cubicle walls*

... DM Ashton Kutcher on Twitter

... claim to be close personal friends with Ashton Kutcher just because he responded to one of our DMs (OK, we lied)

... understand why anyone over the age of 12 ever reads Digg

... use the word "manscape" 

... practice any form of Tantric sex. If that's what you need, call up Sting. We're sure he'd be happy to oblige after he's done manscaping

... watch any program that uses the word "cougar" in its title and isn't on Animal Planet

... post photos of much hotter guys on Hot or Not and pretend they're us

... actually know what 'fo shizzle ma nizzle' means

... purchase any fragrance based on a character from "Sex and the City." Whatever that smells like cannot be good

... attend launch parties for mediocre operating systems

... cream our jeans over every new fucking cell phone to hit the market

... own iPhones. Not that they aren't cool and all. But there's no way we're paying AT&T $80 a month for anything

Is there anything you don't do? Post them below.

* But only because we don't have cubicles.

Crave yet more Geek Humor Gone Wild? Please come visit us at eSarcasm.com. You'll be glad uDid.

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Comments

[JL-Sosa]

Messrs. eSarcasm,

The 'noid, apart from being one of the most brilliant mascots ever conceived by the brilliant advertising genii at Domino's Pizza's agency, has the distinct advantage of being able to run/hop/reproduce really fast. Were it not for his Asperger's Syndrome and his ADHD, he would not only have conquered the known world and rid it permanently of the pizza scourge, but he also would have overburdened our already fragile planet's balance with his wanton sexual ways.

Do not be fooled... any creature strong enough to encapsulate its personage in red latex and still be able to perk even *half* an ear up deserves more than a little respect. His use of white gloves, obviously denoting his superior social standing and love of all things opulent is even further reason to be wary of this dark harbinger of yeasty apocalypse. In fact, this master of subterfuge even had an 8-bit NES video game made after him, to highlight his totalitarian campaign against pizza. He joined the likes of Bo Jackson and Magic Johnson in doing so, no easy feat.

Even now, in the corporate world of Domino's Pizza, his name is uttered in whispers..­. lest the conjuring of such dark ghosts bring people back to the olden days... to the time known in pizza circles simply as, "The Troubles"

Sincerely,

One Very Frightened Pizza Consumer

[Conk]

I won't ever use or need a phone that costs me more than $30 a month. How many people REALLY need internet access or a bunch of silly apps on their phone? Isn't having a tiny, portable telephone you can carry anywhere enough?