... and why you're so much Precious than your Test Results
In my thirties I was convinced I was destined to become a nun. I would live in a Tibetan Monastery and would be the best devote, wonderful nun ever. I swooned over the idea. Always front row with my buddhist teacher. I would kick ass. I would be an example of fierce determination to the other students. My ego had a blast.
You guessed right, I never became a nun.
But there was a reason I desperately wanted to become one. You see, I'm on a perpetual search for me. And if you read this you're on this quest as well. It's a wonderful quest. It's also a huge party for our ego.
My need to find who I was stemmed from being unhappy. And I'm talking Laying in Corner of Room -- Hidden under Curtains -- Pitch Black -- Feeling Nothing -- Totally Numb unhappy. Finding who I was helped me to make sense of the horrible mess I was in at the time. You should have seen my bookshelves. It contained every book on every possible personality type and so-called disorder known to mankind. I've taken all the tests out there!
Tests are wonderful tools.
They pat us on the back: "You're not alone in this. You fit in somewhere. You're a member of our Tribe." Reading about bothersome feelings -- realizing someone else feels like this too -- is marvelous and soothing.
- "Hey you've got ADHD. You're not weird and wild. You're just very creative."
- "Its okay, you've got an Introverted personality. There's nothing wrong with being lost for words in a large group."
- "Yes of course you startle when the door suddenly opens. You're a Highly Sensitive Person."
I love tests. I created a test for the Highly Sensitive Renaissance Soul and asked my 11 year old son to take it. You should have seen the look of sheer happiness on his face when he clicked YES at almost every question.
So far so good. Learning about yourself is wonderful. We both agree on that.
Back to me wanting to become a Nun. When I sat on my mediation cushion in the sangha I simply knew this was where I was supposed to be. There was no place else where I felt as complete as there.
But when I'm in my studio and art comes out of me through some unseen force of magic. I'm highly aware this is where I'm supposed to be. There is No Place else where I feel more in the Zone.
Then again when I'm coaching a client and witness the most incredible miracles, I'm fully conscious this is what I'm supposed to do.
I live on an old farm in a rural area in the Netherlands. When I'm in my garden, unseen, protected, alone, I know this is the only real place to be.
But I'm a City Girl who lived her entire life in city centers. And when staying in Berlin I realize this is where I'm supposed to be.
When I watch art in the Stedelijk Museum in Amsterdam I clearly remember knowing with 100% certainty I studied Art Historian because I wanted to work in a Museum.
When I teach an Art Class I feel crystal clear this is what I was supposed to do.
I must have changed my Linkedin description at least 50 times. And every time I know for sure that this is The One!
I'm in a perpetual Push and Pull between "Knowing for Sure" and "I don't have a Clue". And I happen to know -- at least I think I know for sure -- that this is the best place to be if you want to feel fully alive.
Not Knowing is the Place to Be for the Courageous Ones
Here's why. We think we are defined by the outcome of the test. But we can search until we're blue in the face and still feel lost and miserable. Because we go from 'Knowing for Sure' to 'I can't do that because I'm this or that Personality Type.' Or worse, we let society define ourselves by our test results. Nope! You can't do that because it says you have a Borderline personality.
We're caught in concepts.
Let me give you an example. I happen to know I'm a Highly Sensitive Very Introverted Perfectionistic Empath Intuitive Renaissance Soul who happened to be severely depressed for many years.
I can give you my scores to every test and quiz ever made. If I had lived accordingly to the outcome of my tests I would have been in real trouble.
It would have been impossible for me to publish my words. I would never have finished any study. Or become a successful entrepreneur.
I wouldn't be driven to make real change and become successful. I might as well have given up on myself.
Instead I want you to read this. I want to make an impact. I don't want to sit in my garden by myself all the time. Even though it's a rather lovely place to be.
It truly saddens me when I read: "I'm Highly Sensitive, my MBTI type is INFP. Therefore life is so much harder for me. My extroverted friends life is easy. I feel so much more than she does." Your extroverted friend might feel pressured into being merrily outgoing 24/7, because that's what's being expected of her.
You are not your test results. It's okay to ditch your: I know this with crystal Clear Certainty for yet another: I haven't the foggiest.
Life doesn't happen in I know for sure. Just because you've taken tests and searched High and Low for your Soul's purpose you don't need to be a clearly defined person. You don't need to lull yourself into some fake sense of: I know for sure. Therefore I'm safe. We evolve and change all the time and the more we let go of concepts (and test results) the stronger we become.
Life happens in I don't have a clue, I'm a mess. I stumble and fall and I will fucking get up and fall all over again.
Your Life becomes meaningful when you accept you. Wandering mind, insecurities and Not Knowing included. Without getting attached to test results.
Don't surrender to the results. Surrender to life.
This is me being stern: "Take all the test you like, but don't depend on the outcome. Promise yourself to accept yourself fully first. Even if it's ugly. Even if it hurts. Even if you feel lost!"
Let's all accept ourselves fully and radically. Let's try to to rest -- even if it's for 5 minutes -- in the feeling of utter uneasiness.
Stay in the Realm of Feeling Insecure. In the land of I honestly don't know!.
There is great strength in Not Knowing. Dare to open your arms, embrace every test result with pure love and throw them up in the air. Dare to have the faith that it will all come together someday. Or maybe not.
Dare to take the warriors path. Accept yourself without knowing for sure.