Esther Perel will join Amy Sohn, Leonore Tiefer, Ian Kerner, and Cory Silverberg for a conversation called "Sex in America: Can The Conversation Change?" The symposium is co-sponsored by the Huffington Post and Open Center and will take place in New York City on Friday, February 20th. Click here to register.
Since arriving in the U.S. 25 years ago, I have seen four presidential couples parade in front of me. As a couples therapist, I am keen to observe the subtle nuances of verbal and physical communication between partners and to my eyes' delight, this is the first president and first lady that seem to relate to each other as sexual beings. Sex, as I see it, isn't just something we do, it is a way of being in the world.
Who knows what really happens in the privacy of the Obamas' bedroom, but there is an unmistakable erotic tension that emanates from Michelle and Barack Obama. I mean "eroticism" not in its reductionist modern meaning of sex, but rather as a sense of aliveness, vibrancy, and vitality that communicates the message: "This couple is alive, not just surviving."
There's a sentence in an interview the Obamas gave to the French newspaper Le Monde in 1996 that could have been a quote straight out of my book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. In it, I probe the nature of erotic desire, why so many couples become erotically alienated, and how to sustain an élan over the long haul.
Here's what Obama said: "Sometimes, when we're lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, [and] feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it's important that a partner continues to surprise."
Which means Obama and I agree that longing springs from distance, and that, ironically, proximity can kill sex faster than fainting.
I have long wanted America to engage in a conversation about sexuality as a serious topic of inquiry that goes beyond what sex columnist Lara Riscol terms "Smut or Sanctimony." Looks like the time has come.
I'd love to discuss the way this society vacillates between excessive license and fear-based tactics, how our profound national discomfort with sexuality is all around us so that when we don't moralize, we normalize. When we are taught that sex is dirty, but save it for the one you love, is it any surprise that so many couples become erotically alienated?
Then I also would like to address how despite living in a time of unprecedented sexual freedom in America, the practice of policing sexuality has continued unabated since the days of the Puritans.
I would include abstinence campaigns, abortion laws, restrictions on homosexual choices, the criminalization of infidelity, and the face that sex ed is reduced to plumbing; I'd further add to the list the black and white attitude towards pornography, the consequences of egalitarianism on the sexual lives of couples, and the double standard of family values. Many Americans still see sex as a risk factor, in contrast to European countries where sex is seen as a normal stage of development and being irresponsible is the risk factor.
And last but not least, I'd include the recent developments of the sexual performance perfection industry which delivers an unending supply of tips while contributing to mass-produced feelings of inadequacy. Add to that the quantification and obsession with frequency, and the medicalization of sexuality, as issues that are putting sex everywhere except in sex.
I can't talk directly with Obama, so I designed a panel which brings together a fabulous group of thinkers, sex educators, authors, and sex therapists to start a new conversation about sex in America.
Esther Perel: An Affair To Remember: What Happens In Couples After Someone Cheats? Part Two
the last word of the post which is
ANYONE
keeps dropping off when i post this
the ability to procreate is the most powerful and sacred link we have to our Creator -- it is the one way in which we each become the Creator, bringing forth, out of ourselves, new life
over the last 2000 years it has been the agenda of male-dominated "religious" hierarchies to demonize and minimize women, and by extension, sex, in order to usurp for themselves that power which most makes every human being divine and godlike "in HIS image"
from the fairytale of Adam and Eve to burning witches at the stake in Salem, it has been a pretty successful effort -- when ORGANIZED RELIGION decrees that sex (outside of THEIR rules) is a sin that must be forgiven (by THEM and THEIR God), well, that's just the icing on a delicious cake of wealth, power and control over "the flock "
from Haggard and Swaggert to pedophile priests, one needn't look far to see the results of this wicked subversion and sublimation, not least of which is a dis-ease that has now transformed the sacred act of (pro)creation into a potentially fatal act
sex is sacred and spiritual --- NO ONE should allow that most personal and precious gift to be physically, emotionally and spiritually hijacked by
As I was reading the quote from President Obama about looking at his wife, and as I have read all of the oohs and ahhs (including my own!) about the Obamas and their comfort with one another - their erotic, sensual, healthy connection - I can't help remembering that for all the joy we take in this country (some of us) at this welcome example, the response would be so very, very different if we were talking about a same sex couple.
I am very excited about the workshop Friday night since, as I told your co-panelist Cory, restructuring the national discussion around sex and sexuality is one of the primary programs of my organization. I look forward to meeting you in person!
Ricci Levy
Executive Director
The Woodhull Freedom Foundation
www.woodhullfoundation.org
but i am a political pariah and must show my hideous troll stripes. to me the really interesting confrontation with bankrupt sexual mores was the hysterical fascination and fear that greeted sarah palin. that she cannot be comprehended as a whole, normal, family person with a voice in political discourse is a phobic knot, a deep social disorder comprised of the most woody allen-like of american liberalism's sexual insecurities.
Nice to see two emotionally healthy people in the public eye..makes a pleasant change.
Dr. Stephanie Buehler
http://www.theblogerotic.com