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Ethlie Ann Vare

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Love Advice: What I've Learned About Men

Posted: 09/10/2012 11:27 am

Women often complain to me that when it comes to men, their picker is broken. They know I can relate; my first husband, after all, was my coke dealer, an abusive psychopath so secretive that to this day I do not know his real name. What can I say? He was charismatic enough to be handsome, and I was young enough to be immortal. Besides, cocaine wasn't officially addictive in the '70s.

If you want one key piece of life wisdom to live by, use this: Never marry your coke dealer.

My choices have improved over the years, thank God, but I still find myself slipping back into "you look like a heartache waiting for a place to happen; come sit here by me" mode more often than I should. Why is my dating navigator set to Do Not Enter? Why am I attracted to bad men who are going to hurt me?

This is what two decades of researching sex and love addiction have shown me: The problem isn't so much that I'm inexplicably drawn to men with big red flags waving over their heads. The problem isn't the men at all. The problem is that, when I am attracted to someone, I become unstuck in time.

Romance, I have discovered, is all about longing for the might-have-been or craving the what-will-be. The old joke about him thinking, "I wonder what she looks like naked?" while she's already thinking, "I wonder what he looks like pushing a lawnmower?" are not far off the mark. If I'm not replaying the past, trying to force a broken love affair to somehow, some way, this time work out right... I am anticipating a future one that will.

My love watch is broken.

Popular culture makes it worse, of course, with its insistence on "love at first sight." I'll give you lust at first sight, but love? A buddy of mine once sighed, watching the swaying bottom of a sweet young thing leave the room, "I'm going to marry that girl." I replied, "Dude, you not only don't know what her insides are like, you don't even know what her front side is like." Sadly, that knowledge rarely stops me from making the same mistake. If I am attracted to a man, I immediately imbue him with the appropriate attractive qualities. Surely, someone with cheekbones that sharp must have an equally sharp wit! I want this vessel, so I justify my desire by filling it with a bounty of imagined wonderfulness: loyalty, sensitivity, humor, good taste, honesty, ambition... if the vessel is good in bed, it earns extra IQ points and loves its mother.

If the vessel -- I mean man -- sticks around long enough for me to get to know him, I will slowly find out that he does not precisely match the elaborate pencil drawing I made of him. He can be a perfectly nice person, but still he will disappoint my expectations again and again. And you know what men hate more than almost anything? Seeing that look of disappointment on a woman's face. After a passive-aggressive tug-of-war over who resents whom more, he usually hits the road and I am left wondering how I could have chosen another jerk who abandoned me.

It's a complex problem with, as it turns out, a simple solution: Reset your clock. The correct time is Now. Be here Now. Fantasy, romance and infatuation may take place in the past and the future, but relationships can only take place in the present.

 
 
 

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Women often complain to me that when it comes to men, their picker is broken. They know I can relate; my first husband, after all, was my coke dealer, an abusive psychopath so secretive that to this d...
Women often complain to me that when it comes to men, their picker is broken. They know I can relate; my first husband, after all, was my coke dealer, an abusive psychopath so secretive that to this d...
 
 
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12:10 PM on 09/13/2012
So what the author seems to be getting at is that women have a tendency to objectify men. Then when the objectification doesn't work out the objectifier is a victim.
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HUFFPOST SUPER USER
amnholly
USAF combat veteran
11:28 PM on 09/11/2012
Woman with no clue, giving other women with no clue advice. Yeah, this'll work.
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eagle48
10:17 PM on 09/11/2012
I know it is a cliche, but you should date your best friend. I knew my husband for 8 years before he asked me out on a date, and we have a wonderful marriage. I had girlfriends tell me not to marry him -- that he was too old, had too many health issues, was a "stuffed shirt." I didn't care about what they said because he was the friend who always made me laugh and brightened my day. I can't imagine my life without him. Real love is so much better than infatuation and make believe.
07:40 AM on 09/12/2012
Aww, so true and so agreed.
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msmary67
One Love
08:45 PM on 09/11/2012
We have unrealistic expectations, do not trust our intuitions and make ridiculous assumptions about how things are SUPPOSED to be. Quit doing this, and you might find something decent to have a nice dinner with and more than one date.
06:58 PM on 09/11/2012
You could, however, marry your Coke distributor. If you can stomach the fizzy nose.
01:35 AM on 09/11/2012
Read the article name and was like "Oh boy this'll be a ride!"

Realized the second paragraph ended with "Don't marry your coke dealer."

Shouldn't you know this already? Inter-office relationships/ professional and client relationships all no go bro.
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12:16 AM on 09/11/2012
"my first husband, after all, was my coke dealer, an abusive psychopath so secretive that to this day I do not know his real name"

This is not just a broken picker, I'm afraid, but something else.
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Shaun Hensley
The American Experiment has failed
09:57 PM on 09/10/2012
"The old joke about him thinking, "I wonder what she looks like naked?" while she's already thinking, "I wonder what he looks like pushing a lawnmower?" are not far off the mark."

Doesn't sound like you've learned much about men at all.
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NobleTry
More ground is in the middle than at either end.
09:07 PM on 09/10/2012
What I learned about women:

Katherine Heigl Hates Balls
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/b63f436ac2/katherine-heigl-hates-balls?rel=player
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08:26 PM on 09/10/2012
This was great! Thank you
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Karyl Miller
Emmy winner, editorial cartoonist and blogger. htt
07:37 PM on 09/10/2012
So stop doing it already! B good 2 yourself.
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Terence Manuel
Confine yourself to the present.
07:31 PM on 09/10/2012
It's all a temporary PRETENSE by so many women. When he wears off, she becomes bored. It's on to the next one.

But, many women continue, ad nauseum, to assert that there just are not enough good men.

"I am left wondering how I could have chosen another jerk who abandoned me."

Because, at the present, this is really whom you desired.

Second, he is NOT the one to abandon YOU. It's the other way around. Seventy percent of marriages are terminated by the woman. I am willing to be a large sum of $$$ the same happens in dating relationships. You merely ran him off. Then you convinced yourself he abandoned you.
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Brittany Binowski
Bringing sincerity back since 1988
10:32 AM on 09/11/2012
I think the problem is not a women vs. men kind of scenario.

People simply date other people for the wrong reasons. People date other people -- not for who they actually are right now as a person -- but for some need or desire they think the other person can fill in themselves.

When that need has been fulfilled (or when they realize there is no hope of that need ever being fulfilled), they leave. That's it.

Sure, all the natural feelings of abandonment, betrayal and disappointment may ensue, especially for those who aren't self-aware -- but it's not strictly a woman's issue. Men enter relationships for the wrong reasons too.

Are you divorced?
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Terence Manuel
Confine yourself to the present.
06:51 PM on 09/11/2012
Hmmmm. Interesting perspective. I have to differ.

Yes, much of dating is about the other person meeting some real need (or perceived need). A woman's needs, real or perceived, are always changing. I just think women are the ones who tend to "leave" the relationship when their needs are met or unmet. I really does not matter.

Yes, I have been divorced now for a little over two years.
12:14 PM on 09/10/2012
"If I am attracted to a man, I immediately imbue him with the appropriate attractive qualities."

The halo effect.
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jf12
Esta vez saldré como las otras y me escaparé.
02:36 PM on 09/10/2012
Exactly. Essentially all women (yes, including you dear reader) erroneously rate good looking men as smarter and nicer. In contrast men do not tend to imbue good looking women with halos. There isthe dumb blonde, and other stereotypes.
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12:15 AM on 09/11/2012
No, of course men do not imbue good looking women with halos (insert eye roll).

And what is the dumb blonde stereotype if not a halo effect? And imagining the pretty girl next door, on whom you have a crush, to be a perfect angel? And on, and on.

Thank goodness no halos for the ever-rational -- and apparently non-human -- men.
07:45 AM on 09/12/2012
I think I do the opposite. If a good looking dude happens to stroll by I immediately put him on my mental blacklist because very good- looking men who know they are can be insufferable jerks. Just the same as beautiful women. Now that's a generalization and obviously doesn't apply to every looker. but far from a halo, rather i project onto them my own suspicion, lol.