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Evan Eisenberg

Evan Eisenberg

Posted: November 6, 2006 04:15 PM

101 Reasons to Vote Republican This Wednesday*


1) Security. As the President has aptly noted, terrorists "hate what we stand for" -- freedom and democracy. Thanks to Republican efforts, there will soon be nothing left for them to hate us for.

2) Security, again. Secret nuclear weapons programs by rogue states and terrorists are no longer possible. That's because instructions for making nuclear weapons are no longer secret -- they've been made public on a US government website.

3) Property values. Thanks to global warming, which Republicans have wisely encouraged, many Americans who now own inland real estate will soon own oceanfront real estate.

4) Reduced military budget. When global warming turns our Midwestern breadbasket into a desert, it will be easier and far less costly for our military to train for future oil wars in the Mideast, Central Asia, and the Horn of Africa.

5) Reduced crime. Demographers say the crime rate is directly related to the percentage of the population made up of males aged 16 to 24. By keeping much of that age group overseas, Republican policies are certain to reduce the crime rate as well.

6) Simplicity. "Simplify, simplify," advised Thoreau. Republicans have applied his wise dictum to our messy system of checks and balances, placing the legislative and judicial branches firmly under the control of the Presidency.

7) Free press. Newspapers, vital organs of democracy, are struggling in this digital era. The Republicans' "Scandal of the Week" initiative has thrown them a much-needed lifeline.

8) Frugality. If present trends continue, Republicans will be able to save taxpayers a bundle by consolidating Congress with the federal prison system.

9) Lower taxes. As the the poor get poorer, the rich get richer, and taxes on the rich get lower, we can look forward to a day when no one pays any taxes at all.

10) Economic growth. Experts agree that China will be the economic superpower of the 21st century. By means of a national debt that makes the US a wholly-owned subsidiary of the China, Republican policies have ensured our economic viability for decades to come.

11) Easier medical school admissions. With the triumph of Intelligent Design and other forms of pseudo-science in our high-school classrooms, the glut of qualified applicants is sure to be greatly reduced.

12) Convenience. Thanks to gerrymandering, electronic voting machines, and other improvements, you can vote Republican just by staying home and not voting at all.

13) And much, much more. The 89 other reasons to vote Republican have been classified for reasons of national security. But they exist -- really, they do.

Trust us.

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*Sorry, that should be Tuesday. "Wednesday" is supposed to be on our mailing to registered Democrats.