It's good! It's great! It's all fantastic, and I'm thrilled! Really. I do mean it. But something seems to be escaping our attention amidst the exaltation. In spite of the wars, the lies, the torture, the stacking of the courts, and the rollbacks to civil liberties; in spite of the religious fundamentalism, the fanaticism, and the utter disdain toward the population that's been expressed; in spite of the Katrina fiasco, the wire tapping, and the raping and pillaging of our economy for corporate gain (not to mention the ridiculousness and horrendous idiocy of the Republican campaign, including the Palin monstrosity) 56 million, 378 thousand, 316 Americans still voted for the other side.
To humanize that just a bit, that means that 56,378,316 individuals waited in line just as long as you did, and worked just as hard as anyone else, to try to make sure that Barack Obama would not become president of the United States. I don't know about you, but that scares the shit out of me. It means -- for reasons that go way beyond any immediate financial crises -- we're still in very deep trouble.
Who are they, and why do they feel this way? Well, they're 4.6 out of every 10 people you pass on the street. In other words, in spite of an electoral landslide and a historically significant popular margin, we still barely won. Just about as many people wanted it to go the other way.
So, with those facts on the table, how do we pursue an aggressive agenda, and how do we sway some of those people and get them on board to reverse course? One possibility would be to take the route the Republicans took: they forced an extremist agenda down the country's throat in spite of having lost the popular vote (and still kept 46% support this past Tuesday!). Somehow I don't see an Obama administration tacking that tack.
I've been spewing a joke around for the two or three weeks leading up to the election. I've been saying that, should Obama prevail, every woman who can stomach it should immediately go out, find a Republican man, and give him a blow job. Just make sure to impress upon him that the only reason he's getting the blow job is in celebration of a Democratic victory. The theory being that, come the next election, when he finds himself alone in a voting cubicle, his dick will point the way toward the Democratic lever. Kind of a reverse Lysistrata effect. Crass, perhaps, but not an insubstantial strategy.
And now I find myself thinking in even crasser terms. Like, if you've got some money stashed away in these economically stormy days, if you've got some major purchases anywhere on your horizon, time them out for the first ninety days of the new administration. Need a washer/dryer or an automobile? Thinking of buying a new home? Want to get back into the stock market? Hold off 'till after January 20th, and let the numbers show sudden economic improvement during the first three months of a new Democratic majority. Because I've got a sneaking suspicion that those 56,378,316 misguided souls aren't the most sophisticated sailors on the sea.
I'm not suggesting we'd be successfully addressing any of the serious issues that need to be sorted out. But I am thinking that, if they're crass enough, and easily hoodwinked enough, to have voted Republican after the last eight years, we might as well do a little psychological manipulation of our own. We might not be able to win their hearts and minds, or erase whatever bigotry led them to vote as they did. But we should be able to outwit them. Let 'em read a few positive economic headlines just as they're fearing the wrath of God is about to drop down upon us. Let 'em think that, even if the "Godless," "unreal" Americans have prevailed, it might be good for their pocketbooks. And then, maybe then, they might climb aboard the Peace Train. (Though, if you're up for the adventure, those blow jobs might not be a bad insurance policy. Just don't leave the Democratic boys out completely).
Evan Handler is in the midst of a 25 city book tour, in support of "It's Only Temporary: The Good News and the Bad News of Being Alive." Upcoming appearances include:
San Diego, CA 11/8/2008
Los Angeles, CA 11/9/2008
Milwaukee, WI 11/10/2008
Columbus, OH 11/11/2008
St. Louis, MO 11/12/2008
Detroit, MI 11/13/2008
Ann Arbor, MI 11/14/2008
Boston, MA 11/16/2008
Atlanta, GA 11/17/2008
Orange County, CA 11/22/2008
Details, exact locales, and times at EvanHandler.com, under "Appearances."
Get over it. Every matchup has a winner and loser. Flashback to 2000, i voted for a candidate who won the popular vote but was not elected president. Wah wah, boo hoo.
At the end of the day, there's always the scoreboard. And you lost, sorry. Go buy 4.6 out of 10 people you meet a beer and drown your sorrows.
* I don't know a single Republican who ever talks about "rich vs. poor" or "black vs. white." In my experience, this is entirely endemic to liberals. Republicans I know are Republicans because they believe that individuals and the enterprise they create are far more effective than anything run by government. They also believe government stifles initiative, creativity, drive, and success. They believe risk needs to be rewarded or innovation, productivity and prosperity will suffer. Republicans are not jealous of those who have more than they do.
* In general, Republicans believe that liberal programs actually do the opposite of what their sponsors intended. Want to keep someone poor? Send some cash their way... just enough so they're less motivated to advance themselves. Don't hold public schools accountable for results (like private schools are) -- that will ensure poorly educated kids whose parents can't afford private school will never be able to compete and prosper.
* Because liberal/government programs only produce excuses rather than results, Republicans believe liberal politicians would rather have problem than the solution and liberal voters would rather "feel good" thinking they have a monopoly on empathy rather than recognize that many of the tragedies they lament are born of their own vote.
This possibility was truly a novel thought to me for all the liberals I have known in my lifetime (and there are many) have always been schism-ists and denomizers.
And then comes Mr. Handler with his vile screed and all is well in my narrow, bigoted, idiotic worldview.
Thank you.
As of today Obamas message of change includes bring not fresh faces to his administration but Washington insiders from the Clinton administrastion that is not change, that is the same old same old.
This economy was doing prety good until after the 06 election, unemployment was down the dow was in the double digits. Then the house buble burst and everyone blamed it on Bush instead of asking the one question that should of been asked. Who is in charge of over seeing Fannie and Freddie?
No one held anyone accountable for the mess on wallstreet and so now here comes good old Uncle Sam with a 700+ Billion dollar bail out and
Obama has the policies of Jimmy Carter (but without the experience)...the dirty tricks of Richard Nixon (but not the grasp on foreign policy)...and the dishonesty of Bill Clinton (but not the skill to lie well).
So which would you lefties prefer...twelve years of Republican administrations ala 1980, or twelve years of Republican Congressional control ala 1994? Mark my words, you'll experience one of the two within the next couple-few years, maybe both.
You've set crazy expectations for Obama that he can't live up to...then again, you don't seem too bothered by the failure of a Democratic Congress. Thank God for moderates, right? They won't stand for ultra-liberal control of government for very long. Silence talk radio while you can!
You got 52%, and if you can't handle that, then you aren't qualified to govern.
I guess you would prefer to live in the kind of nation where Glorious Leader receives 99.9% of the vote for life?
Sack up. There is a lot of bad stuff happening in the world. We need leaders who aren't whiners.
Thank goodness we elected Obama/Biden instead of McCain/Palin. Have you been paying attention to the news since the election? All of their whining about the clothes and Palin's supposed diva attitude and what she knew or didn't know blah blah blah blame blame blame! Thank goodness we didn't elect them, huh?!
Not only did Barak just barely win, but he just barely won amidst a perfect storm that rose up against the GOP.
From a massively unpopular president, an economic crisis that rivals the end of the Carter era, an unpopular war, a relatively unpopular moderate GOP candidate with horrible speaking abilities, a veep candidate who was easily made fun of, almost the entire mass media machine pulling for the Democratic candidate, a Republican party that squandered its majority ramrodding its supporters by acting like tax-and-spend Democrats, and even the backing of Oprah....
And he still just barely won. Oh, it's much, much worse than you think. Enjoy it while it lasts, for this is the sound you will begin hearing very soon:
pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
What's that sound?
It is the sound of 63 million balloons deflating as they realize that they put their hope, faith and dreams in the hands of a human being, who is not only incapable of living up to their expectations like any other human being would be, but this particular human being's only real qualifications are being able to speak well.
Good luck with that.
Should be a mass exodus of Hollywood celebs leaving the country...
Would you say that your little joke about women, uh, 'servicing' Republican men was a little sexist?
Cute.