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A Year In The Spotlight: A Slideshow Salute To Joe The Plumber's Greatest Achievements (VIDEO)

2009-10-12T12:24:26Z

During the 2008 campaign, Barack Obama met many of his fellow countrymen, as he made his case for the presidency hither and yon. But only one of the people he met would attempt to parlay that encounter into an entire career: Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, aka "Joe the Plumber."

Joe emerged on the scene at a fortuitous time. The McCain campaign, which had been reduced to staging an escalating series of weird stunts to win media cycles in lieu of overcoming their own deficiencies, was in need of the latest, greatest gimmick. The media, desperate for something new to report on, was waiting for the geek show to spring a new act on the political landscape. Ol' Joe, as it turns out, was really concerned about wealth redistribution: specifically, who was going to redistribute some wealth into his pocket, for no good reason. I mean: He could have just maybe gone home, shut his pie hole, and given plumbing a try?

But that didn't happen. Instead, a pop-cultural figure was thrust upon an unsuspecting America. It's been a year to the day since Joe arrived on the scene, and let's face it: He has packed a lot of living into that year. Not much in the way of achievement, necessarily, but he's certainly built up an impressive resume of activity. And by "impressive," we mean, "enough moments out of which to make a slideshow."

Without further ado, here is the Year in Joe the Plumbery.

Alex And Jason Have Questions For The News: Texting While Driving

2009-07-30T22:02:08Z

The news. Ostensibly, it exists to inform us. But every once in a while, it confuses us. Sometimes it enrages us. On some occasions, it hounds us to the brink of wanting to curl up in a fetal position, forever. But mostly, when the news goes wrong, it goes wrong by raising more questions than it answers. Whenever it does so, Eat The Press editor Jason Linkins and Huffington Post Comedy Editor Alex Leo will have some questions for the news.

At issue today is a report on Anderson Cooper: 360 that sought to totally expose how dangerous it was to send text messages to your friends while driving a car. Now, one would think that this is a pretty simple issue to discuss, provided that everyone knows what a car is and the physical requirements that driving demands. Somehow, CNN came up with this:

[WATCH]

And so, questions.

Jason Linkins: Well. That was something! Something almost comically unnecessary and over the top, I think. I imagine you have questions!

Alex Leo: I have many questions, but first: CNN, are you playing fast and loose with some of the words you used to describe your findings? "Interesting?" "Mind-blowing?" Or is your life just really boring?

Jason: A good question! I might be willing to concede "interesting" -- because who knows? Maybe you could be stone-cold bored out of your skull, and this report comes on, and it's shiny, and it shakes you out of your ennui. But my mind is nevertheless very much NOT BLOWN by this report. You know why I think that is, Alex?

Alex: Why?

Jason: I think it is because these concepts are not that difficult to master. You're driving, you are supposed to have your hands at ten and two, eyes on the road, not drunk or stoned, blah blah blah. Why can't CNN just come on and do a report that reads: "BLARGH! TEXTING AND DRIVING! It's stupid! For Pete's sake, don't do it?"

Alex: I think that more than any Internet site ever could, TV aggregates. They read a story about a girl falling into a manhole while texting, a kid getting into an accident while texting and they are like "DONE. We have 6 segments to do for the next 4 days. Call the CNN graphics team and have them make something virtual so this doesn't look like a public access show in my mom's basement!"

Jason: GREAT POINT ABOUT AGGREGATION.

Alex: But here's the other question in that vein: Does the reporter know what texting is? I mean, at one point he talks about "dialing." Later he talks about "talking." Neither of those things happen while texting. Also, he's old.

Jason: Yes. He's very old! I mean, he's so old that tradition requires him to be SCARED OF TEXTING. "OMGZ, WITCHCRAFT." Here's what I can't fathom about this. They go to these lengths to road test this theory that texting and driving is dangerous. So he gets in this car, and there's a REMOTE CAMERA on the texting, and he's all "WATCH WHAT HAPPENS!" But what happens? It looks to me like he drove his car just fine! I can discern no visible effect on the driving. Can you? Because he seems particularly blown away by the results!

Alex: HAHAHA. Yes. I agree. I can't imagine this is what George Plimpton thought experiential journalism would turn into!

Jason: And after you've gone to all those lengths, why not go to an actual football field and do that second experiment, for real? I watch that part and I think, "ZOUNDS! Texting really does have a dramatic effect on CARTOON CARS."

Alex: YES! Which brings me to my next question: Did anyone ever consider that the driver of that orange cartoon car crashed not because of texting but because there was CNN/Virginia Tech writing on the windshield, obscuring the pretend driver's vision? Why was that necessary? Also, I get that a football field is an impressive distance when talking about a whale's length, but not when talking about driving!

Jason: EXACTLY. I like when the reporter shows the football field and says, "Think of how much can happen in that space!" I think to myself: "Yes! Why, ENTIRE FOOTBALL GAMES CAN HAPPEN IN THAT SPACE." But my next question is this: He makes a big deal about that road test. He texted for 4.6 seconds! Who was he texting? What can you text to somebody in 4.6 seconds? Because if he was just randomly stabbing at the touchpad, he should say so!

Alex: It just took me 10 seconds to text someone "Hi." But in all fairness, I'm pretty sure he was just talking at the phone and pressing buttons, so 4.6 seconds sounds about right.

Jason: So, okay, don't do that. DO NOT PULL OUT YOUR PHONE AND START RANDOMLY STABBING BUTTONS, FOR NO REASON, WHILE DRIVING. I think the story should be, "Do you really want to crash your car, die, and the last thing you texted to your loved ones was 'AGSHHHTTT@@12.'" People will poring over that for years! Like you muttered "Rosebud," or something.

Alex: Completely. And it's also weird that they used so much technology to do a segment on technology with a really basic premise that shouldn't need any support whatsoever: Don't look at other stuff while driving.

Jason: Yes! I have this funny feeling that CNN just requires its producers to use the magic walls a requisite number of times a day. I guess my last question is this. Anderson Cooper says, "I mean that is the interesting thing. You're only driving 25 miles an hour. Obviously, on the highway, you'd be going much faster." HOW CAN HE BE SURE ABOUT THAT? SUMMON THE HOLOGRAMS!

Tracy Jordan's Best Lines From This Season OF "30 Rock" [UPDATED]

2009-05-19T19:07:13Z

Friend of "Eat The Press" Amanda Mattos today shares news of one of the most magnificent things you will find on the web today or any day: this post from the blog Unlikely Words, which chronicles every single thing that 30 Rock character Tracy Jordan ever said during the show's third season. The list is complete, it is comprehensive and it is hilarious. The post's author does a nice job describing the vertiginous comedy of Jordan's always bizarre utterances:

Anytime Tracy Morgan as Tracy Jordan has a scene on 30 Rock, my brain shuts off and it's difficult to function. It's the combination of delivery and content, and there's hardly ever a scene throughout which I'm not giggling foolishly. In celebration, I thought I'd post everything he said in 30 Rock Season 3. If you guys like it, I'll do Season 1 and Season 2, too.

My recommendation is that you do whatever you can to encourage this!

Huff Post's Comedy Editor Alex Leo and I have risked the strange looks of our officemates as we strained to contain our laughter while looking over this list of Jordanisms to bring you our annotated favorites:

Alex Leo likes:

"Nobles Oblige, yes. Let's go shopping. To the Bat Mobile!"
Is there anything more condescending than the rich person motto "nobles oblige"? Tracy understands that the real obligations of the wealthy are to spend money on useless shit and pay off women they've sexually harassed.

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek."
William Shatner humor is always gold.

"Do you know it's still illegal to be black in Arizona?"
Arizona didn't recognize Martin Luther King Day until 1992, probably because that would teach the children that it's OK to be black.

"That's not me, that's the Tracy Jordan Japanese sex doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency."
I can't tell who the butt of this joke is, which makes it awesome.

"You're going to sue me? Who do you think you are, the San Diego zoo?"
This line is near and dear to my heart because of the lasting comedy it's inspired in my mind, trying to imagine what he did to what animal and in what hole.

"How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? They got every race and lifeform in the galaxy, except for Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?"
Valid point.

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."
This is just the right amount of crazy and truthy to be right on point. Of course diabetes is linked to diet, but Colorado is indeed a fallacy.

"What is this, Horseville? Cuz I am surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!"
As a comedy editor I can in fact confirm that this is wordplay.

"I don't need to read it. The entire thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isaiah Thomas."
Tracy says this when referring to his parent company's sexual harassment handbook. So many 'ball' and 'piston' jokes are whizzing through my mind.

"Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams." Nice.

Jason Linkins likes:

"I watched Boston Legal 9 times before I realized it wasn't a new Star Trek." I have to imagine that Jordan is not alone in this.

"There you are, you stupid cracker. Do you know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids banging on the door, no phones ringing. It's my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at three PM. I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about."
I can sympathize. Seems like almost everything one can do for fun kills you now. Eating, drinking, sexing... you know how many people die in their sleep? LOTS. But a man can still take a luxuriating dump without dying, right? Right? Anyway, I maintain a reservation at the Mayflower for the same reason.

Do you know what happens to a comedian when he gets old and loses his audience? He starts to get offered serious roles. And do you really want to see me play Arthur Ashe?"
I used to live in Richmond, and during that time, Monument Avenue got a statue of local hero Ashe. All the racists in town hated the statue because they didn't want it on the same street as the statuary of their beloved Civil War generals. I didn't care for it because it sort of looks like Ashe is about to brain a group of terrified children with his tennis racket. I think Tracy Jordan would play that Ashe quite well. The movie would probably be called Back That Ashe Up or something and would feature Method Man as Bjorn Borg.

"OK. Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was just thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds."
Classic Jordanian non-sequitur.

"There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken. Like Larry Bird or Colorado."
I have been to Colorado and it IS a white myth!

"Look. I grew up here, Larry, in the days before Starbucks. And if Wall St crashes, it'll be the 1970's all over again. People will get mean. The streets won't be safe. It'll be graffiti everywhere. And the movies will only cost 3 dollars."
Jordan's apocalyptic vision is still preferable to a million New York Magazine cover stories trying to get us to sympathize with i-bankers.

"Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon, we have a black president now."
Jordan truly does live the post-racial ideal.

"I struggled through that sentence."
Ok, this needs some context: Jack Donaghy, while talking with Tracy, says, "That's easy for you to say." He responds: "No it wasn't. I struggled through that last sentence." The average episode of 30 Rock is chock-a-block with these delightful sorts jokes on wordplay, and Tracy carries more than his share.

"Uh uh. I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolfdog, and I have two bad knees and I have a gun. That I lost!"
Those are, indeed, the classical trappings of adulthood.

"Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone."
Yes, I like excretory humor. It's not like I've ever pretended to be some monument to elevated discourse.

UPDATE: Ana Marie Cox joins in the fun! This is becoming, like, a thing. Maybe this will tide us over until the show comes back. (Which Alex tells me won't be until NEXT WINTER. Bah!)

RELATED:
Everything Tracy Jordan Said [Unlikely Words]

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