50 on HuffingtonPost.com

Diane Gilman: Baby Boomers: A New Life-Construct -- From "Invisible to Invincible!"

2011-08-23T15:14:00Z

Have you ever had a pivotal moment in your life? A piece of news delivered in a split second... just a heartbeat... that will stick in your psyche forever? You'll always remember where you were and what you were doing when the news was delivered. One of these significant "moments in time" for me was when I heard of the drastic reduction of America's credit rating by Standard & Poor. Not only was it a "moment in time" it was a moment of shock, a slight state of panic, and a million bombarding thoughts about our retrenched future. I immediately envisioned myself as a homeless senior sitting on the sidewalk asking a passersby to drop a dime in my once coveted designer handbag!

Transfixed on every news show, I watched hours of programming and journalistic-politico debates. It was as if I was watching a competitive sporting event! It was all about who won this point -- who lost the other. Anchors argued President Obama was the biggest loser. Others said, "No! It was Congress and the Republicans." In all this time I never once heard any of the "authorities" mention Baby Boomers. Wait a second... I did hear an echo of inevitable lowered benefits for the disabled and elderly. Yup! That's us: the elderly grouped with the disabled. And another mention of us as an "ageing population who will put a terrible strain on the government's finances." For those of us who contributed to Social Security, Medicare and dutifully paid our taxes all our adult lives, that is truly insulting!

So I ask you, what about US? We're watching every second-half life construct we grew up believing and expecting -- crumbling, disappearing and evaporating. Is anyone out there wondering, like me, who's building a new Life-Model for us? Isn't it time we start to defend and champion ourselves rather than be labeled as a liability?

Honestly, I think as a generation Baby Boomers have developed amnesia! Once we were the biggest, loudest, clearest voice in America. Then we grew up and went silent. We need to remember who we are, or rather what we were, and bring the essence of US back to the present tense again!

We must revise our Life-GPS to address our new reality. We are working well into our 70's and living well into our 80's. As we age, what are our opportunities for employment? What industries will be best suited for a mature workforce? And, what direction should we take as we watch Social Security and Medicare fade away? Bottom line -- what do we do as we see our savings shrinking while our life span extends? At this moment I may not have the answers -- though, I am posing the questions that I know we as a community are asking ourselves.

And let me be the first to say, when we do take to the streets, the Capitol, the airwaves and the Internet, I expect our boomer flag to be just as individual as we are. Give me a flag comprised of strawberry fields and purple haze. Let's paint it black with a whiter shade of pale! We need to reconnect and revive! Step out alone, you're invisible. Go further together. We become invincible!

Susan Gregory Thomas: Why Divorced Boomer Moms Don't Deserve The Bad Rap

2011-08-23T06:12:43Z

When I wrote a Generation X memoir of our baby boomer parents' divorces, and our own that we try to stave off at all costs, I expected to get a lot of flack from baby boomers--especially from moms. The statistics measuring their child-rearing skills were grim. Frankly, they just weren't there.

After the epidemic divorces of the '70s and '80s were finalized, the dads mainly receded into the background (as everyone whose dad went through the Disco Dan phase can attest). In fairness, though, even if they'd wanted to stay involved, dads didn't have much legal pull. In the '70s, only nine states permitted joint custody; today, every state has adopted it. Consequently, most of us with divorced parents were raised by our single mothers--and at that point in U.S. history, many moms were applying themselves to "self-actualization," plotting career routes and exploring the nuances of their newly found sexual and political freedoms. What were the kids doing?

Generation X, according to a 2004 marketing study about generational differences, "went through its all-important, formative years as one of the least parented, least nurtured generations in U.S. history." Census data show that almost half of us come from split families; 40 percent were latch-key kids. We were making our own meals by age 8, letting ourselves into empty homes after school, numbly watching program-length commercials on TV, and trying to get to sleep while they "entertained" their male--and/or female--friends in the living room.

It's not fair to blame the moms completely. After all, they were doing the important work of the Women's Movement, often without back-up, financial or otherwise. But they shouldn't be surprised that we're such edgy Eisenhower throw-backs now, that we'll do anything for our kids, most especially avoid divorce at all costs. We divorce far less than our parents: 77 percent of us have made it to our 10-year anniversaries, a good indication of longevity. Many of us never marry at all. Friendship is more important to us than sex in marriage, say the studies. Time with our kids is more important to us than corporate ladders, say the studies.

So, when my editor at Random House suggested that we send advance copies of the book to people like Nora Ephron, Nancy Friday, and Erica Jong, I cringed out loud. I knew exactly what they'd say: Baby-wearing prude! Whiny slacker! Anti-feminist ingrate! Thanks for the suggestion, I said to my editor--I'll pass.

But it seems like the Greeks get you coming or going. The first week of my book's publication, I was paired up with Erica Jong on an NPR radio show. We were meant to ruminate on Jong's concerns that Generation X had given up on sex (Jong's own daughter had written an awesome essay entitled, "They Had Sex, So I Didn't Have To"). Since my own marriage, which I had vowed never to quit because of my own parents' monstrous divorce, had dissolved in spite of everything, I was crushed on a number of fronts. In this case, the boomer mom was yet again grabbing center stage to tell an Xer what a loser she was: that she was right, and I was wrong. Even more humiliatingly, she would be kind of on the money.

But the first thing Jong said was that I was right: boomer mothers had not given enough thought to how their behavior would affect their children. I was right: the sexual revolution, as enacted in one's childhood home, must have been terrifying. I was right: the divorces were bombs, and we were casualties. It was, she said, completely understandable that women of our generation would never want to divorce, to protect our children--that we might let sex take a back seat in marriage. We were right.

The producer later told me that it had gone undetected, thank God: ridiculous tears were lolling down my middle-aged face. Everything in me vibrated "thank you."

I then received emails from an astonishing number of divorced boomer moms. Phrases such as "your book makes me cringe in places, but I'm learning a great deal," and "Now I understand why my children act that way!" have been ricocheting in my uncomprehending mind. A recent text from my own mother, who--though she'd read my book to read prior to publication--simply said: "I did not know, and I don't know how I couldn't have known. I'm so sorry. I am so proud of you."

It occurs to me now that I, and maybe many of us, have spent so much time criticizing our mothers for their self-centered disregard of us as children that perhaps we have not spared them a minute to wiggle in an apology. It also occurs to me that our collective quest to be perfect parents is inherently shaming. Maybe they can apologize when we admit we can muck things up, too.

For me, it's simply: Thank you, moms. You have no idea how much your being sorry goes, in the wake of my own fallen marriage. Apologizing means understanding why I had no idea of what a marriage was supposed to be, why I opted for a best friend rather than a husband, why parenthood trumped a healthy conjugal relationship. Thank you for seeing this.

Now, what do you think I should look for in a middle school for my oldest daughter?

Susan Gregory Thomas is the author of In Spite of Everything: A Memoir (Random House: July 12, 2011)

British Nanny Offered An Annual Salary Of $200,000

2011-08-22T16:35:52Z

By Robert Frank of the Wall Street Journal

If you think Linda Evangelista is over-paying for child care in New York, imagine what she would be paying in London.

According to an article in The Times of London by Fiona Neill, the mega-rich Russians, Sheikhs and Chinese pouring into London in recent years have jacked up the cost of a British nanny. A British staffing agency called Imperial Nannies cited a Russian client who wanted to poach a nanny from another family. Their salary offer: $200,000 a year.

Then there was the Imperial Nanny client with three kids who employed a nanny for each child — at around $130,000 a year.

These aren’t the norm, of course. More typical in Britain are salaries of $75,000 a year – with free room and board. Usually that means a “a flat that is self-contained or on a separate floor, or at least a room with en-suite bathroom — in a desirable Central London borough, and almost always includes a car,” according to the article.

Some British nannies specify that they only fly business class — though many have use of the family planes. One nanny was given a new wardrobe by her Italian employer, while another was given a house by her Saudi patrons.

According to Imperial, the financial crisis hasn’t hurt demand for top nannies, because they super-rich haven’t been effected by the crisis. (Which is what staffing agencies always say, true or not). The big demand is for teachers-turned-nannies, who can help the kids with increasingly demanding school work.

Yet according to a British “manny” named “Nick,”all that costly coddling can be better for the nannies than the rich kids. The wealthy parents, he said, give too little time and attention to their kids.

Read the entire post at the Wall Street Journal

Arianna Huffington: What I Did (and Didn't Do) On My Summer Vacation

2011-08-22T02:09:00Z

As a child growing up in Greece, my favorite poem was "Ithaca" by the Greek poet Cavafy. My sister Agapi and I recited it long before we could properly pronounce the words or understand its meaning. It begins:

When you set out on the voyage to Ithaca,
Pray that your journey may be long,
full of adventures, full of knowledge.

Some of my happiest moments came through travel. I still remember the excitement of my first trip out of Athens -- a visit to Paris when I was 11 -- and the indelible memory of my first taste of the world outside my homeland. And I have the most amazing memories of my first trip to America, when I was 16, as part of a program called the Experiment in International Living, and of my time, a year later, studying comparative religion at Visva-Bharati University, outside Calcutta.

Today, much further on in my own life's journey, I have a fuller sense of the rich wisdom of Cavafy's lines. And the long journeys that carry us toward our own Ithacas don't necessarily have to be long ones. There are adventures and knowledge to be found very close to home -- actually, without even leaving home. Maybe it's because I travel so much for work but, for all the allure of distant and exotic places, there is still something even more magnetic to be discovered in my own backyard.

Even before The Great Recession, "staycation" -- which the New York Times called a "tarted-up pseudoword" -- captured something real: our collective realization that adventure and discovery don't have to involve boarding a plane. And that there is no correlation between the recharging benefits of a vacation and miles traveled.

Maybe it's the rushed, hyper-connected, always-on aspect of our lives that has led us to appreciate the joys of unplugging and recharging at home. And there's no better time than these waning days of summer to redefine travel by pausing, reflecting, and looking around our homes and hometowns with fresh eyes before we gear up with our next big travel plan taking us to a faraway land.

A fun way to start is by buying a guidebook for the place you live (and, of course, checking out your local Patch). You'll be surprised at the number of amazing local destinations you never knew about, the landmarks you see every day but never visit because you've always dismissed them as tourist traps or have seen them so much you no longer give them a second look. And, though it may sound strange if you are not going anywhere, go ahead and set a budget for your time off -- and enjoy the satisfaction of realizing your vacation money goes a lot further when you don't have to spring for plane tickets and hotels.

Part of the benefit of a vacation comes from breaking routine, getting out of habits, and experiencing the world around us in a new way. The essence of travel is not found in the number of stamps in our passports -- to really travel is to better understand a place through exploration and effort.

As an added benefit to exploring near home, there's no threat of lines, delays, TSA workers grabbing your junk, or the myriad inconveniences of air travel like having an Airbus 330 grounded for 5 hours due to a stowaway mouse.

This summer, with all of HuffPost's new launches and international expansions, I've had no time for a "traditional" vacation. So I created my own vacation here at home, with weekend massages, facials, yoga classes, and explorations of my new neighborhood.

I realized, for example, that I live just blocks from the High Line, New York's magnificent park set on a former elevated train track. Or, tucked away on a small street, the Cherry Lane Theatre, where I just saw a beautiful new play, Manipulation. Then, Cafe Cluny, where I discovered the best pistachio ice cream (with real, whole pistachios inside) -- better than any pistachio gelato in Capri.

Just around the corner from HuffPost's new office is the legendary McSorley's Old Ale House, which did not admit women until 1970, and whose gas lamp chandelier was covered with World War I-era dust until April, when the city's health department demanded that it be cleaned off.

I made a conscious effort to see my home neighborhood with fresh eyes and those nuggets of rich local history were my immediate reward.

All in all, my travel-less vacation has left me with more time to unplug and recharge, meditate, and enjoy one of my favorite things: piling up all my work and staying in bed on a Sunday morning, making calls and answering emails. It's a quiet reminder that when it comes to travel, the journey to knowledge and adventure need not be long.

For more unique, informative and inspirational takes on travel both on the home front and abroad -- both redefined and traditional -- be sure to check out HuffPost Travel, Gadling, and, for great deals and to book a trip, AOL Travel.

Vivian Diller, Ph.D.: Maybe Happiness Begins At 50

2011-08-17T12:32:00Z

When Obama turned 50 in August, warring political parties and world leaders paused to congratulate him. Thousands of fundraisers in his hometown of Chicago sung "Happy Birthday," and his two daughters left summer camp for Camp David for a more intimate celebration. But among the outpouring of well wishes were warnings too. Turning the big 5-0, he was told, meant that things would go downhill from there -- as if he didn't have bigger downturns to worry about!

Reaching midlife has traditionally been met with this sort of pessimism. We're cautioned, "enjoy life while you can" or "aging is brutal," a perspective Susan Jacoby shared in her latest book, "Never Say Die." She challenges our media's promises for 'midlife transformations,' saying they do little to "spare us all from the decrepitude" that aging inevitability brings.

A recent PEW Survey offers statistics to support this pessimism. Today's baby boomers, according to the report, are generally a "glum" group, with 80 percent saying they feel dissatisfied with the way their lives are going. Most depressing is the physical and financial decline they expect to endure in the years that lie ahead.

But listen more carefully or follow this age group a little longer past their so-called "midlife crisis" and you'll hear something else: A growing sentiment among men and women who feel good about themselves, their lives and even their futures -- yes, a sense of optimism.

As a psychologist, I am finding this to be true among the clients I work with and the people who attend my talks about aging. It is one of the reasons I no longer use the term midlife crisis, replacing it with "emerging maturity" to describe these critical years.

This is key: I find that for those men and women in their 40s, 50s and 60s, who weather the physical and emotional changes inherent to this life stage, some things actually get better, not worse. In place of complaints and fears, I hear sentiments like, "I'm more confident and solid now," or even, "I feel better than ever." Are they just making good out of bad? Is it the result of good psychotherapy, or are people just saying what they want to believe? Some recent research studies suggest that my findings go beyond my small sample.

One study by researchers Andrew Oswald in England and David Blanchflower in the USA, analyzed data collected from 80 different countries measuring levels of depression, anxiety, happiness and satisfaction among adults over a span of 35 years. They published their findings in the Journal of Social Sciences and Medicine, which showed that people across the globe follow a general psychological path in adult life that appears somewhat like a U-shaped curve.

According to this report, both men and women, with or without children, regardless of economic status, start heading downward in terms of fulfillment and happiness as they hit their forties -- hitting a low point around age 44-- but then rebound upward as they reach their mid fifties. Barring any serious physical disability, happiness levels -- at least statistically -- hit rock bottom for most people in their forties, but ultimately they find their way back up and the risk of depression goes down.

Other recent research on the psychology of midlife shows similar results. Art Kramer, Ph.D. who studies aging at the Beckman Institute, says that although we obviously slow down both physically and mentally, there is also evidence of new kinds of growth as we enter our 50s. He and others, including Neil Charness, Ph.D., a psychology researcher at Florida State University, point toward the increased capacity for what is called "crystallized intelligence" as we age. He makes a distinction between fluid and crystallized intelligence. The former is about raw processing speed; the agility with which you are able to solve new and unfamiliar problem. The latter comes from experience; hard and fast knowledge, garnered over years.

Crystallized intelligence, according to Charness, remains not only intact, but improves as the brain gets older. "If you look at measures of knowledge like information tasks, vocabulary tasks," he says, "then those abilities seem to rise at least into the 50s and hold maybe even to the 60s and 70s, and probably start to decline after that."

Another researcher, Laura Carstensen from the Stanford Center on Longevity, points toward other reasons to be optimistic about aging based on what she calls the socio-emotional selectivity theory. "There's a general set of goals that guide human behavior throughout life," she says, "and when time horizons are vast and nebulous, as they typically are in youth, people prioritize those goals in different ways than when time horizons are short."

The result? As we age and recognize the limited time ahead, we are more focused on gaining the kind of insights and knowledge that we need to prioritize goals. In other words, with age comes wisdom. And with wisdom, we may find that we make smarter life choices that are more likely to bring us satisfaction.

So, what do these studies mean to Obama and the millions of other baby boomers celebrating their 50th birthdays? Does this U-curve path mean they have already hit rock bottom and are on their way back up? My take on this is as follows:

The average person begins life with lofty expectations. During childhood, adolescence and right through early adulthood, most of us set the bar high, both professionally and personally. We have dreams of becoming doctors, lawyers, CEOs and even presidents. We expect to fall in love, create families and live happily ever after. At this life stage we rely on "fluid," rather than crystallized intelligence in order to reach these goals. We are busy optimizing our physical, economic and support systems to get educated, find jobs and mates. Our life goals, up until our 20s and 30s, are broad and not yet clearly prioritized.

During early adulthood we begin facing the fact that we may or may not meet our aspirations -- constrained not only by our own physical and emotional limitations, but by those imposed upon us -- e.g. economic, geographic, cultural, etc. As we hit our 40s, reality may set in even further. For some, the traditional midlife crisis hits -- experienced by some men when they fail to achieve financial or professional success -- and by some women as they face peri-menopause and the end of childbearing opportunities.

By age 44 -- the stage that Oswald described as when we hit rock bottom -- the confrontation with our past and the increasing limitations presented by our future can cause great turmoil. Decisions about the next stage of life loom large. "Can I live the next 40 to 50 years with the choices I've made up until now?" Some panic. Others feel stuck. And some move through it, onward and forward, altering expectations, creating clearer priorities.

This is key, for it is at this stage that important emotional and cognitive shifts seem to take place for many people allowing for the upturn at midlife to occur. By the time we reach our 50s, many of us have begun to let go of unrealistic goals and accept who we are. We begin to use our accumulated knowledge, prioritize our life goals and make wiser choices as we move forward. We start to feel more satisfied with what we have achieved, enjoy our accomplishments and feel less compelled to push for more. It's not about giving up or giving in, but rather settling in for the ride.

As for President Obama? Most of us view him as having set the highest of bars, surpassing goals few of us will ever achieve. And as he enters his 50s, hopefully he can pause long enough to look back with pride and look forward with greater optimism as well. Maybe, if his life follows the U-shape curve, he'll even begin to enjoy the ride.

Has your life followed this emotional path -- going down, but coming back up -- as you pass through your 50s, 60s and beyond?

Vivian Diller, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in New York City. She has written articles on beauty, aging, media, models and dancers. She serves as a consultant to companies promoting health, beauty and cosmetic products. "Face It: What Women Really Feel As Their Looks Change" (2010), written with Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D. and edited by Michele Willens, is a psychological guide to help women deal with the emotions brought on by their changing appearances.

For more information, please visit my websites at www.FaceItTheBook.com; and www.VivianDiller.com;. Friend me on Facebook (at http://www.facebook.com/Readfaceit;) or continue the conversation on Twitter.