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7 Great Products For Telling The World You're A Rich Jerk

2009-11-15T19:00:04Z

The thing about being super rich is that you eventually run out of things to buy. You can only live in so many houses, or drive so many cars, or pay to have so many enemies killed.

Fortunately, before you ever get so desperate as to, say, give money to the poor, there is a whole industry devoted to inventing ridiculous things to waste it on.

"SNL" Skewers Lou Dobbs After Host Quits CNN (VIDEO)

2009-11-15T14:18:19Z

"Saturday Night Live" went after Lou Dobbs this week, claiming he retired from CNN because he thinks the "C" stands for the Spanish word "si." Dobbs, played by Darrell Hammond, went on to refer to his replacement, John King, as "Juan" King--a man he says may have paid for his dapper appearance with drug money.

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"SNL" Comes Down On Obama Administration For Caving On Public Option (VIDEO)

2009-11-15T12:44:29Z

"SNL" Opened last night with sketch mocking Joe Biden, the Obama administration, and concessions they've made to get the health care bill passed. "The president wants to pass a health care bill so bad that he will literally sign anything. You can water it down however you like--as long as it's a stack of paper with the words 'health care' on it he'll sign it," an eager Biden said from the Oval Office while President Obama is abroad.

Vice President Biden (played by Jason Sudeikis) went on to run down other concessions they're willing to make in order to get the bill passed. "For those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win, we'll agree to a provision that makes it illegal to ever sue a doctor." He also agreed that no copies of the bill would be printed in Spanish, and that the first Republican senator to cross the aisle and sign the bill would get a secret provision attached that can be anything from banning gay marriage to making it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi.

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Sarah Palin "Going Rogue": The Wit & Wisdom (Or Lack Thereof)

2009-11-14T16:29:27Z

Sarah Palin's soon-to-be-released Going Rogue, obtained by Huffington Post on Friday, consists mainly of her life story, her political philosophy, her attacks on the McCain campaign and her love-hate relationship with the media.

But within its pages are plenty of her home-spun expressions and evidence of her unique sense of humor (or lack of it in some cases).

Palinisms:

If any vegans came over for dinner, I could whip them up a salad, then explain my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?

I love meat. I eat pork chops, thick bacon burgers, and the seared fatty edges of a medium-well-done steak. But I especially love moose and caribou. I always remind people from outside our state that there's plenty of room for all Alaska's animals -- right next to the mashed potatoes.

Government was growing as fast as fireweed in July...

In Alaska, we joke that we have two seasons: construction and winter.

I don't like to hear people complain: I am the first to say, 'Buck up or stay in the truck.'

Upon her resignation, Palin's dad quipped: "Sarah's not retreating; she's reloading!"

Sarah's Schtick:

A group of left-wing bloggers had been yakking about porn pictures and videos of me that they threatened would soon be released to the public.

"And those sexy videos were supposedly shot between which pregnancies?" I asked.

That day in sunny Texas when the divorce rumors were rampant in the tabloids, I watched Todd, tanned and shirtless, take the baby from my arms and walk him back to the ranch house so Trig could nap while I made calls. Seeing Todd's blue eyes smiling, I chuckled.

Dang, I thought. Divorce Todd? Have you seen Todd?

Palin goes into detail about her appearance on "Saturday Night Live" including how her own skit suggestions were rejected, her kind words for Tina Fey, why she refused to shake hands with Oliver Stone and the rap that her daughter loves to repeat to this day.

And she describes how her moment with Fey almost didn't happen -- "Word came back that Lorne [Michaels] was leery of letting Tina and me share the same stage because Tina's liberal politics might cause her to ad-lib something snarky that would stick like a burr...."

"I looked at the script. It wasn't all that funny. SNL writers had taken the campaign's 'Drill, baby drill" mantra and turned it into a risque double entendre about Todd and me. I thought, Nah. C'mon, New York talent, we can do better than that...

The campaign's Fey fears turned out to be overblown. Instead, when I met her, she was friendly and gracious. Fresh-faced, very petite and wearing jeans, Tina was standing near the wings holding her adorable little girl, Alice, who was about three.

'Don't worry!" Tina said when I walked up. "They'll put makeup on me!"

Then I noticed Alice turning her head back and forth, first to Tina, then to me, then to Tina again.

I smiled: "We're confusing your daughter."...

She told me that her husband's parents were GOP loyalists. I enjoyed meeting them later when they came backstage at a rally....

She also refused to shake the hand of Oliver Stone, who made a cameo on that show, due to his support for Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.

Palin's ideas for a skit with Alec Baldwin were turned down several times. Her suggestions were: "Hey, Baldwin, weren't you supposed to leave the country after the last election?" 'Hey Alec, I saw Stephen at a fund-raiser last week and asked him when he was going to knock some sense into you.

Yet her daughter Piper liked the "Weekend Update" skit with Amy Poehler's rap:

To this day, I still hear Piper rapping around the house: You say Obama, I say Ayers! Obama... Ayers! Obama... Ayers!

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The Stupid Virus (VIDEO)

2009-11-14T13:36:38Z

"SuperNews!"--aka the guys that brought you the Twouble with Twitters, Larry King interviewing the Large Hadron Collider and Emoticon Wars--have returned this week to bring you the answer to this question: Why are people so stupid? Turns out it's a virus spread by an Obama-hating monkey. He's responsible for birthers, the people who equate health care reform to the Holocaust, and Rush Limbaugh.

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Caitlin Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina, Learns Where Babies Come From (VIDEO)

2009-11-14T12:49:18Z

Remember Caitlin Upton? She was Miss South Carolina Teen USA in 2007 and became famous for her response to the question, "Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children."

The good news? She has a sense of humor about herself. At the 2007 MTV Video Music Awards Upton performed a parody of her infamous pageant answer, and now the beauty queen turned model is learning where babies come from for the benefit of the "Jimmy Kimmel Live" audience. After doing her due diligence on natural child birth, Caitlin sits down with Octomom in the second video to talk about IVF. It's a pretty weird combo.

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Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day: Send Us Pictures Of Your Gross Fridge! (PHOTOS)

2009-11-14T12:23:00Z

Sunday is national "Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day" and to celebrate we wanted to show you our gross fridge and see yours! Below is a pic of the group fridge in our New York office. That mystery thing on the top right looks pretty scary, but no more so than that spinach soup that's formed from those rotting greens below.

The Saddest Kid In The Class (PHOTO)

2009-11-13T22:19:23Z

Do you remember those self-esteem projects from grade school in which a teacher would ask you to spell your name out vertically and write adjectives that describe you starting with each letter in your name? Like my name is Pam and I'm pretty, awesome and majestic. Unfortunately for young Alex, he or she is the saddest kid in the class. Yes, Alex is angry and lazy (bummer) but also enchanted (note: he or she is not enchantING) and Xtra (we have no idea what that means, but if you were gonna turn ex into x why not go for "exciting"?)

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Yankees' Payroll Mocked In Faux MasterCard "Priceless" Ad (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T18:54:18Z

The Yankees may have won the world series, but they had a little help along the way. One enterprising video editor detailed the more than 201 million reasons the Yankees were able to field such a talented team by mashing up some of the team's more expensive players with the famous "Priceless" MasterCard ads. Video embedded below.

Matsui's 3 RBI's in the title clinching game: $13,000,000.00

Derek Jeter's .462 World Series batting average: $20,000,000.00

ARod's 19 hits in 15 playoff games: $32,000,000.00

Winning the World Series Championship: $201,449,189.00

There are somethings money can't buy. The World Series isn't one of them.

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See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

50 Worst Moments In Video Game Voice Acting (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T18:50:27Z

Wow, one would think with all the money spent on graphics and marketing for video games, the companies that produce them would spend more than $4 on voice actors to bring their characters to life. Unfortunately for them (fortunately for us) these voice acting fails are hilarious and thanks to an intrepid youtuber, care all in one place.

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Jon Stewart Discusses Lou Dobbs's Decision To 'Go Palin'

2009-11-13T17:43:07Z

At some point in the future, Jon Stewart may again have to endure the hour-long waterboarding of the soul that is the Sean Hannity show. But he'll never have to watch Lou Dobbs on CNN again, so upside! Thursday night, the Daily Show host brought his audience up to speed on Dobbs's decision to depart, saying, "Nothing says honest and straightforward better than a surprise announcement that you're quitting for reasons you can't explain to do something you can't discuss."

So true! The only thing that differentiates Dobbs's "I quit" announcement from Sarah Palin's was that there were no woodland creatures squawking in the background. At least none that you could hear. Stewart would go on to make this obvious link.

Dobbs, of course, has some vague plans to wander the earth, kickin' mad science and "contributing positively to a better understanding of the great issues of our day."

Stewart responded: "So, in order to contribute positively to a better understanding of the issues of our day, you must leave your nightly television show, devoted to understanding the issues of our day. I actually agree with you on that one."

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In The Year 3000: Sammy Sosa's Face, Lou Dobbs's New Job, And More! (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T17:19:04Z

The revival of the beloved "Late Night" segment (plus 1,000 years) gets off to a hilarious start with a wardrobe malfunction of sorts and, of course, LaBamba's sweet-sounding voice. Conan and Andy rip on Levi Johnston, Jon Gosselin and other current media stars who, apparently, are going to be alive for a very long time.

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Fallon & The Roots Slow Jam Low Voter Turn Out (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T16:58:06Z

Compared to the 2008 election, the midterm elections weren't nearly as exciting. So, to make a low Democratic turnout at the polls a little more stimulating to talk about, Jimmy Fallon and The Roots took it down a notch with a sensual slow jam.

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College Humor's Prank War Goes Aerial (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T16:50:40Z

You know it's fun to watch friends pull pranks on each other, but it's even more fun to watch well-funded comedians do it. In the eighth video of College Humor's ongoing "prank war," Amir puts it into high gear when he convinces a skydiving instructor to tell Streeter his parachute is broken. What ensues is better than any Punk'd-ing you've ever seen.

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Stewart Responds To Hannity's Apology: Nothing's Worth Sitting Through His Show (VIDEO)

2009-11-13T14:42:23Z

Earlier this week, Jon Stewart did a segment on Sean Hannity's health care protest coverage in which he revealed that the Fox host had used footage of a different, larger event to make gathering look more impressive. The "Daily Show" went on to mock Fox by adding more video to Hannity's story, this time from Woodstock and the movie "300."

The next night, Hannity apologized saying Stewart was right. Stewart watched the show in anticipation of this moment, but after tons of tears and teddy-bear hangings, he revealed that "nothing's worth sitting through this."

Stewart went on to praise Ramin Hedayati, the young producer who caught the Hannity flub. (Full disclosure I know Mr. Hedayati personally.) "He" came came out on stage to take a bow and despite having graduated college in 2002, Ramin looks surprisingly old and begged Stewart to kill him so he could stop watching Sean Hannity's show.

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