Divorce on HuffingtonPost.com

5 Costly Mistakes Soon-To-Be Divorcees Make

2012-02-22T19:34:06Z

Over the past year, my blog posts here have been devoted to helping women better understand the steps they need to take so they can emerge from divorce in the best financial shape possible.

How One Divorced Dad Learned To Love His Ex

2012-02-22T19:26:13Z

Iâm the divorced parent.

Some parents stay married. I didnât. I get up in the morning and make my son breakfast. I pack his lunch. I walk him to school and I pick him up. I schedule play dates. I watch cartoons with him. We talk about being âunmarriedâ and having two houses.

8 Wardrobe Staples For Newly Divorced Men

2012-02-22T19:15:55Z

Not long ago, we got a question from a recently divorced guy we thought was worth sharing. See if his story doesn't ring true.

WATCH: Kate Gosselin Says Her Relationship With Jon Is 'Peaceful'

2012-02-22T19:07:38Z

Kate Gosselin stopped by "Dr. Drew's Lifechangers" Wednesday and discussed her relationship with ex-husband Jon Gosselin, with whom she shares custody of their eight children.

"Jon basically lives his life and I live mine... it's more peaceful and it's probably not anything I'm doing differently," she told Dr. Drew.

Gosselin, whose reality show, âKate Plus 8,â ended in September 2011, said their improved relationship might have something to do with her ex-husband's recent employment.

"He feels like he's living a regular life again and maybe [he's] a little happier himself, so that boils down to peace between us. The kids are now okay going there," the reality TV star said. "I feel like he's trying again. The bottom line is, the kids come home happy, basically, so that's all that matters."

Her sentiments are a departure from earlier comments she made about their acrimonious split; in December 2010, Gosselin told "Today Show" co-host Meredith Vieira that she hadn't yet made up with Jon after their highly publicized split, and that two of their children, Collin and Alexis, had anger issues, which she believed stemmed from the couple's divorce.

Gosselin filed for divorce from Jon in June 2009 after ten years of marriage, amid rumors of Jon's infidelity.

Best City For Cheaters: Washington, D.C.

2012-02-22T17:18:02Z

Washington, D.C., is king when it comes to would-be adulterers, according to Ashley Madison, the website bearing the tagline "Life is Short. Have an Affair."

Why D.C.? CEO Noel Biderman theorizes, "Simply put, the more successful you are, the more prone to cheating you are, and Washington is full of successful people looking for something outside their marriage."

Melissa Rivers Finds Out Jason's Been Trolling The Internet For Sex

2012-02-22T11:54:10Z

Beware a woman scorned with access to her own television reality show. Having recently split, on "Joan And Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" (Tue., 9 p.m. EST) Melissa Rivers was grilling her ex Jason Zimmerman about what he'd been up to, and she made sure her assistants and the viewers at home got to hear all about it.

As her assistants were packing up Jason's belongings, a distraught Melissa tried to work out exactly what he'd been doing. "Were you on Craigslist trolling?" she asked him incredulously.

It turned out that Jason had indeed been looking online for new sexual partners, and Melissa was devastated. "Was I that awful that you were going to f*ck people from online?" she asked tearfully. "What kind of risk have you put me at?"

Jason had lived with Melissa and her son Cooper for over two years and she told him that she'd never forgive him for hurting her son.

Her parting shot was to tell the would-be swinger, "You are a user. And you are disgusting," before tossing the computer out of the window in disgust.

Watch the continuing aftermath of the break-up on "Joan And Melissa: Joan Knows Best?" Tuesdays at 9 p.m. EST on WE.

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Judith Acosta: Is Divorce Only For The Rich?

2012-02-22T08:33:15Z

Since 2008, most of us have been walking budgetary tightropes -- cutting a piece off of this, snipping some off of that. For a significant percentage, it's been a steady slide into fiscal chaos, foreclosures, and fear. For some, it's just the luxuries that have been eliminated: No more the extended vacation, the new car lease every year or two, or the $400 handbag spree. On all counts, it seems that we are a culture moving from decades of "Want It!" to the more realistic "Need It?" Coupon clipping is in again and most people are more worried about whether they're going to have a roof over their heads than whether they're sporting the latest Uggs. It has properly affected every aspect of our lifestyles and, hopefully, our values and priorities. But, inevitably, a change so vast has also affected our relationships.

There seem to be two trends at the same time:

On one hand, with less expendable income, there are less expendable marriages. Our new economic realities may be forcing yet another belt tightening -- or heart tightening -- process: People can no longer afford to get divorced.

One attorney in White Plains, N.Y., Joy Joseph, Esq., has been a specialist in matrimonial law for many years. In the last six years, she has seen a very clear downward trend in the number of divorces:

"For people of moderate means, the economy has had a big impact. It is very expensive to get divorced. Only a part of it is attorney's fees. The bigger part is that the assets are split or devalued in the process. Usually that's the house, in which they have very little equity. Plus there's the risk of losing the partner's health benefits. They're afraid to live uninsured. So, they cling to an unhappy marriage because they can't afford to leave."

The statistics support her observations: A new paper in the B.E. Journal of Economic Analysis and Policy shows that as unemployment rises, the divorce rate goes down: For every 1 percent increase in the unemployment rate, the divorce rate goes down by 1 percent.

On the other hand, the NPR-Kaiser Family Foundation survey suggests that while divorce is down, discord is up. They reported that high unemployment has contributed to ruptures in many families around the country. They state that more than 20 percent of all Americans who have been without work for more than a year claim that their close relationships have suffered. More than 30 percent say their financial difficulties have had a profound negative impact on their partners' health and well-being.

What does this mean for marriages?

Unfortunately, for the truly horrible marriages, it means a forced choice between one hardship and another. I know one woman who has no money, three children, no extended family, and no friends because her violent husband has sequestered her. He has gained control of everything, including the children, through both stealth and steady emotional manipulation. He has made her afraid of leaving even though staying will eventually mean her death. She has begun investigating shelters for her and her children and a life she will have to recreate from the very fundamentals, knowing he may still hunt her down. She stands at this crossroads and trembles.

For others in less dire circumstances, it gets complicated by other matters -- both material and immaterial. A woman I know says it's about money, but as it turns out, she has about $30,000 in a bank account, a good getaway car, jewelry, and a small, discreet dog she can easily take with her in a carrying case. She knows people in other states. So why does she stay with a man who hates her, berates her, and beats her? I asked her point blank and she said it was because she likes her furniture. She's attached to her stuff.

While I know that can be true, I think it's more.

In my experience, a lot of people -- both men and women -- who suffer in abusive relationships do so because they don't know anything else and have no vista for hope. Often they were so painfully damaged by earlier relationships, they were made to feel as if they deserved no better. I think in her case, it is that she truly feels unworthy and doesn't trust her own ability to step away, make new friends, get work, and survive in the world on her own. The stuff is little more than a ready excuse.

Another couple -- two women who have lived together for fifteen years but have nothing between them but a mortgage -- stay because they can't sell their home. It has been on the market for two years and they have lived utterly separate lives during that entire time.

Some experts say that this may be a situation that bodes well for couples whose marriages are in the borderland between functional and finished. Necessity is the mother of invention and, they suggest, the necessity of living together can force people to find ways to do so companionably, work out issues, and perhaps find it in their hearts to love one another in ways they had not imagined before.

I think of the few moments I was angry and fleetingly considered bailing on my marriage --probably the same time my husband considered a similar solution. What made us stand still and work it through? Admittedly, besides occasional pride and obstinacy, our marriage is very stable. Was it just love, then? Surely love was a good part of it, but I don't believe it was all of it. I believe the commitment and the difficulty of feathering apart two completely interwoven lives overrode the momentary instability. In being faced with staying, we had to work at it. Easy? Far from it. Humbling. Frustrating. Wearisome. Not easy.

But eminently worth it for us. The process brought us to an entirely new level of intimacy, validating everything the optimists hope for and all that clergy argue: that most of us take the easy way out far too easily and leave before the miracle happens.

However, the data does not support the optimism when it comes to marriages that are fundamentally unstable or violent. To the contrary -- the current situation should make advocates of domestic violence prevention quite concerned.

If the Great Depression was any indicator, the divorce rate went down, but incidence of violence in the home went up. According to Stephanie Coontz, a historian and professor of women's studies at Evergreen State College, when states began to permit no-fault divorces, domestic violence dropped by 20 to 30 percent and the rate at which husbands were murdered by their wives was significantly lowered. According to her, divorce provides a very necessary "safety valve."

Joy Joseph stated that her experience supported Coontz's conclusion: "As a result of their inability to afford full divorces, people are going to mediation, which can be good if there's something to be saved. But a lot of women get hurt in the bargain because they don't hire their own attorney. They've often stayed home to take care of the kids and the husband is generally the main provider and wields the most power. Despite the social changes of the last 50 years, there's still a great deal of disparity.

"It's not good," she adds. "Financial stressors are one of the biggest reasons people split up. Then couple that with the bad relationship and you've got a real problem."

Coontz and others predict that as the downturn resolves, divorce rates will quickly go back up again, which make some people hopeful.

That statistical prediction strikes me as sad, even if it is necessary or inevitable.

Is it wrong to hope that collectively we can learn something terribly important from this recession? Is it wrong to pray that we begin to realize we are not the things we own, rather the relationships we have and the love we give? While I am certainly not in favor of someone staying in a marriage that puts him or her (or children, especially) at risk, I think it might do us all a bit of good to slow down, to take a bit more time between the fight and the time we scream, "I'm outta here!"

Marsha Temlock: Should You Delete Your Kid's Ex From Your Life?

2012-02-22T08:30:57Z

When I think about the detritus post-divorce, I'm not talking about couples haggling over household property, the spat over who gets the cat, and the painful tug-of-war when a marriage goes south.

I'm thinking about parents of the divorcing couple who are left with the (for lack of a better word) memorabilia. The accumulation of stuff that must be hidden from view or ditched to prove one's loyalty to one's own.

Maybe it seems trivial to be talking about tangible remainders, but these things can present a problem. Dare we mention their names, but what do you do with the perfume she gave you for Mother's Day that is your signature scent? Or the book he so thoughtfully picked up at the secondhand shop because he knows you're interested in antique Porsches? Or the Hermes scarf you never in a thousand years would ever buy for yourself? Or the magnificent cut-glass bowl the kids gave you when everything was just hunky-dory to thank you for watching the grandkids when they went to Germany for their tenth anniversary?

And what about the framed photographs and, geez, the wedding album where you look so terrific? Do you, as one grandmother did, cut out the heads of the offending in-laws to "protect" her grandchildren from the sight of happier days?

Are you supposed to toss the lot with the loss of family? (Okay, some parents don't call it a loss. They call it a blessing. They knew from the get-go the marriage wouldn't work. Still there are all those "things" you have to deal with.)

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. (King James Bible, Mathew 5:29)

Maybe I'm making too much of these inconsequential items when you consider the real fallout when a son or daughter gets divorced. Sadly, many grandparents are denied access to their grandchildren. That's not the detritus of divorce. That's a bloody disaster.

I'm also mindful of the parents whose adult children are not married but in committed relationships. These breakups can be just as devastating for parents. Just the other day I was talking to some parents who were bemoaning the end of their son's eight-year relationship with a girl they "adore." (Notice the present tense.) The wife cried, "I was closer to Sara than her own mother."

On the one hand, these parents understood why their son decided to finally end the relationship, but on the other, they couldn't get past the fact that "Over means it's over, Mom and Dad."

Were they expected to delete all those vacation videos?

I guess that's what's expected -- delete, delete, delete.

So I never wear the freshwater pearl necklace my ex-daughter-in-law gave me for my birthday. (It's still in my jewelry box.) And the little china doll a son's former girlfriend gave me when she came for a visit -- it's off to Goodwill. As for that fabulous Hermes scarf ... I am definitely not going to sell on eBay. (Although I wonder how much I could get for it.)

WATCH: Courteney Cox Reveals Why She Hasn't Dated Post-Split

2012-02-21T22:30:24Z

Courteney Cox stopped by the "Anderson" show Tuesday to dish on her dating difficulties since her split from her husband of 11 years, David Arquette.

"It's hard,â Cox, 47, told Cooper. âI probably caught up to this whole situation later than he did. And, I am really happy for him and he's got a girlfriend. Everything's great, I know it seems so weird, it's even weird for me to say that.â

Cox -- who earlier this month revealed to Howard Stern that she's been celibate since the October 2010 split -- told Cooper she she was "easing" her way back into the dating scene, with Arquette's support.

"I'm a homebody -- I don't really like to go out," the actress said. "I love restaurants, I love to have people over to my house. But I'm not really one to do a lot of stuff -- so I don't know how that all that happens... that part's a little difficult."

The former couple, who share custody of their 7-year-old daughter Coco, have reportedly maintained a good relationship post-split, both personally and professionally; in January, ABC confirmed that Arquette will guest star in the season finale of Cougar Town, which he co-executive produces with Cox.

Should You Let Your Divorced Friend Move In?

2012-02-21T19:28:53Z

Dear Friend or Foe,

A mutual, married female friend of my husband and mineââLeanneâârecently told us that she and her husband are separating.Â Heâs already found new living arrangements. She found a place to live as well, but it isnât available for three months.Â In the interim, her only real option is to rent a room.

Zooey Deschanel To Male Writers: 'Hit On Me!'

2012-02-21T19:20:51Z

Zooey Deschanel appeared single and ready to mingle at the 2012 Writers Guild Awards in Los Angeles last night. The "New Girl" star, who filed for divorce from Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard on Jan. 5, told the men in attendance at the event to "hit on me."

Are Therapists To Blame For The High Divorce Rate?

2012-02-21T19:15:06Z

You thought therapy would save your marriage? And all you got was divorce?Â Well, feel free to blame your therapist.Â That's because, for a long time, most therapists have been soft on divorce.

Terrence Howard Ordered To Pay $50K To Estranged Wife

2012-02-21T19:08:47Z

Terrence Howard is having a bad day ... 'cause the actor has just been ordered to write a big, fat check to a woman he's accused of being an evil racist ... his wife.

Jennifer Evans Gardner: Why Don't People Send Casseroles After Divorce?

2012-02-21T19:00:38Z

I live in a wonderful community. When someone gets cancer, has a death in the family, or gets ankle surgery, friends and neighbors are there for each other. Upon learning of a tough situation, someone sends an email out, and within minutes, a long list of folks have signed up to deliver meals to that family for weeks, sometimes months. It's amazing. Over the years, I've cooked and delivered my share of casseroles in hopes of lightening someone else's burden. That's what we do. We're human beings, after all.

However, when someone gets divorced, it's a different story.

Last year, my husband of 14 years and I separated, which was in itself miserable, but even more so because we have a child together, one who was just turning from tween to teen. It's already an awkward age, but watching your parents split up and having to move out of your home during this period makes ankle surgery look like a cake walk.

Divorce is horrible. No matter who left whom, or how unhappy a couple seemed to be before they split, it's horrible. In fact, it's more horrible than anything I had imagined. So horrible that I soon began to call and apologize to friends who had been through it. Who knew that it could be so agonizing, heartbreaking, and just mind-numbingly painful, both emotionally and physically?

I knew now. I lost sleep and lost weight, and could barely get my son to school. I had trouble focusing, as my mind would forever drift back to painful thoughts. If I hadn't had work to do, I wouldn't have bothered getting out of bed. As a freelance writer, I began to get multiple assignments for the wedding section of a newspaper, interviewing young brides in love. The universe has a great sense of humor.

I couldn't eat, so obviously, I couldn't cook either, but somehow between crying jags in my bedroom, unpacking a house, and setting up new electric and cable accounts, I was able to get dinner to my son. Thank God for Daily Grill and Chipotle takeout -- and I love you, Trader Joe's frozen section. One morning, after weeks of this, I dragged my exhausted body into the kitchen to make breakfast, checking my email while waiting for the waffle to pop up from the toaster. First up: a mass email asking for casseroles for the family of a relative who had passed away.

Go ahead, crucify me, but the thought bubble that popped up wasn't pretty. My son hadn't had a home-cooked meal in eons, and I was certainly in no shape to be near sharp knives and a hot oven. "Where's my f-ing casserole?" the voice in my head said. After all, I was mourning a death, too: the death of my marriage; the death of my life as I knew it, the death of our family; the death of the happily-ever-after dream.

To add insult to injury (yes, the injury of not getting a f-ing casserole), some of our friends scattered in the wake of our separation. You could almost hear the whooshing sound as they all took one giant step back. Is it possible that divorce is an even more awkward subject than death? Or do some just think it's contagious? One can't help but suspect there is judgment... after all, cancer and death are an act of God, but divorce is, well... a choice, right? Yet those who've never been through it are surely aware that one never gets married to get divorced... that (unless you are a celebrity) it's almost always a last resort.

Of course, not everyone bolted. I do have amazing friends who stepped up to the plate, who wiped away my tears, who peeled me off the floor, who sat with me at that first "single-mom-alone-at-a-bar mitzvah" episode, and who - when the bar mitzvah photographer asked (camera in hand), "who do you belong to?" answered, "Me! She belongs to me!" To be fair, that friend knew what I was going through. She'd been through a divorce herself.

So here's a thought. The next time someone you know is going through a divorce, no matter how awkward it might feel, pick up the phone and maybe just check on them. Check on their family. Check on their former spouse. And for the love of God, bring them a f-ing casserole.

Andrew Z. Cohen: Trust Is More Difficult (And Powerful) Than Love

2012-02-21T18:39:18Z

It's time to think about those we love. Even more importantly, it's time to consider what it means to truly love another. Have you ever deeply thought about what love is? Have you ever considered where it comes from and why we feel drawn to be with certain people over others? Love is indeed a complex and multidimensional subject.

We can understand love either from the perspective of what it is or what it is not. Love is the uplifting experience of joy, ecstasy, fulfillment, contentment, delight and abandon. Love is not the painful experience of fear, doubt, suspicion, jealousy, obsession and attachment. More than anything else, I think the highest expression of true love is trust. Indeed, trust is love's sweetest gift. That is because trust gives rise to an experience that ordinary love cannot: Freedom and space. In fact, trust is the powerful experience of spiritual freedom within the context of human relationship.

We can easily experience spiritual freedom when we close our eyes and let the world disappear, when we contemplate the infinite nature of consciousness. But how do we experience that same freedom within the complexity of our relationships with each other? That's a much more difficult endeavor. Attaining the perennial mystical experience of freedom by oneself -- walking in nature or sitting alone in quiet contemplation -- is, I believe, less of a challenge than achieving that same kind of freedom in relationship with other human beings.

In the utopian paradise of a spiritually enlightened world, "I love you" means much more than the expression of deep affection and attraction. It means "I trust you." Think about it. For most of us, those words are not necessarily synonymous. It's easier to tell somebody you love them than to tell them that you trust them. More often than not, love tends to amount to a strong emotion of affinity, fondness, intimacy, longing and attachment. To be honest, it is an experience that, under the light of close scrutiny, is neither as profound nor inherently meaningful as it appears to be. We easily allow ourselves to feel affection or attraction without becoming truly vulnerable, without dropping our defenses. But if we want to know the extraordinary freedom that the awakening of profound trust bestows upon us, we must open ourselves up far more that most of us feel naturally inclined to do.

When we permit ourselves to trust deeply, we are letting another human being into our heart and into our soul. We have accepted the good intentions of another so deeply that we allow them to step so close to us that we cannot protect ourselves any longer. Now we are wide open and when we meet another in the infinite expanse of true vulnerability and profound intimacy, the experience is identical to mystical intimacy with God or Spirit. No boundaries, one Self, infinite freedom, and joy beyond measure. This kind of trust is more profound and more significant than any love that is merely personal. In this truly transpersonal love, through our relationship with the other, a new inner world opens up. This love, based on trust, is a sacred world of boundless freedom and infinite space. No fear whatsoever of loss or betrayal. This love means I'm always with you, forever.

Andrew Cohen is a spiritual teacher and bestselling author of EVOLUTIONARY ENLIGHTENMENT: A New Path to Spiritual Awakening.