Gay Voices

Jeffery Self: Straight People: A Spotter's Guide

2013-05-23T01:22:20Z

Hi there. My name is Jeffery Self, and in my brand-new book, Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals, I show regular people just like you how to spot the fascinating species known as the "Heterosexual."

Now, I know what you're thinking: "This seems too hard. I can't do it. Does the new season of Vanderpump Rules really not start for another six months?!" Calm down! I'm here for you.

In the pages of my new book, you will find information on Heterosexual migration patterns, habitats and feeding patterns, and even guides on how to interact with the Heterosexuals in your life.

You'd be surprised by the number of ways you can spot a straight person. As an example, I'm sharing this excerpt from the book. It's a list of some of the most popular movies amongst Heterosexuals. Mind you, non-Heterosexuals might like these movies as well, but don't let that confuse you! I'm here to generalize, and these are beloved straight-people movies through and through. If you spot at least three of these DVDs on someone's shelf, you might have just spotted your first Heterosexual. Enjoy!

Heterosexuals and Movies

What a person watches can tell you a lot about whose team they're batting for. Here are some movie titles that should serve as immediate red flags that you've spotted a Heterosexual.

Marley and Me
A heartwarming tale of when Heterosexuals get a dog and have kids. Spoiler alert: One of the title characters dies, and it's not Me.

Bride Wars
An underrated comedy starring Goldie Hawn's daughter and the girl who isn't Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada.

Castaway
What can I say? For Heterosexuals, it goes God, Tom Hanks* and the president of the United States, in that order of importance. Also, Helen Hunt is in this, and Heterosexuals love her -- or, rather, they did in the mid-'90s.

Bridges of Madison County
Middle-aged Heterosexuals have sex and look at old bridges! It is, without a doubt, your mom's favorite movie.

The Lord of the Rings
Heterosexuals love a reason to line up for something in the middle of the night, and this series provided that for the nerdiest of Heterosexuals. I've never seen any of these movies, but only because they're so long. And unless Barbra Streisand is going to sing "I'm the Greatest Star," I'm not all that interested in sitting through a 3-and-a-half hour movie.

???
That movie where Julianne Moore plays the lady who makes pies in Ohio (can't remember the name and not going to look it up).

P.S. I Love You
Never seen it, but anytime I say something about not caring for Hilary Swank,** a Heterosexual friend will argue, "But what about P.S. I Love You?!"

The Civil War: A Film by Ken Burns
Nobody likes to spend 10 hours with old people talking about the Civil War more than Heterosexuals and masochists.

Any and Every Adam Sandler Movie
Somebody is buying tickets to those movies, and it ain't me, or RuPaul.

27 Dresses***
This is a very universally enjoyed movie, and one that represents a hopeful time in America before we realized what a monster Katherine Heigl is.

Forest Gump
This movie manages to combine two of the things mentioned above that Heterosexuals love the most: Tom Hanks and the president. Oh, and oldies music! Heterosexuals love oldies music.

*Tom Hanks is the greatest actor in the history of all Heterosexual cinema, and I will fight anyone who wants to argue otherwise. You got that, Robert Downey Jr.?!

**I suppose it's the point in the book when I need to address my lingering hostility toward Hilary Swank. It's obvious, but no one is acknowledging it, like how Coke Zero is actually better than original Coke, so at this point there's really no reason to even sell original Coke. Hilary Swank simply rubs me the wrong way; I'm sorry, but she does. It also doesn't help that she's stolen two Academy Awards from the ever-deserving great, Annette Bening. I don't completely know what this has to do with Heterosexuals except that Hilary is famous and identifies as Heterosexual, though I think it's safe to say we all have an eyebrow raised.

***Katherine Heigl was briefly one of the most prominently beloved movie stars of the Heterosexual species. Heterosexuals first made her famous when she appeared on the television show Grey's Anatomy, a weekly hour of television that most Heterosexuals describe as "riveting," "beautiful" and "endlessly relatable." On that show, Katherine Heigl appeared as a sassy but gorgeous female doctor working in a fast-paced Seattle hospital. Things you can expect to hear Heterosexuals say about Katherine Heigl include: "She's just like my sister-in-law Pam" (said by your office mate with the Vampire Diaries daily desk calendar); "I think she's hot" (said by someone's boyfriend); "27 Dresses was like my biography!" (said by Lisa, your alcoholic hairdresser cousin from Tampa, Fla.).

Rob Watson: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to the Parents Who Are Seeking to Devastate Their 15-Year-Old Daughter and Her 18-Year-Old Girlfriend

2013-05-23T00:57:55Z

I did a double take when I first saw it. A teen girl in Florida was expelled from her high school and arrested for having a relationship with another girl. I hunkered down in full fury mode to read about the case. Then my racing mind came to a screeching halt as it read the magic number: 18. A legal adult had been with a legal minor. Things just got complicated.

As a dad with 10-year-old sons, under no circumstances do I want their intimacies leveraged by predators or abusers. I would like to have my sons curtail their sexual experiences until they are at the appropriate emotional and spiritual maturity level. Opinions on when that time arrives are likely to differ depending on whom you're talking to. For the sake of argument, I penciled in age 30 for my boys, but I suspect that they might find that a tad unreasonable.

All that being said, here are the facts: Teens have hormones, and they are being sexual in some fashion, and in a big way. According to a 2006 ABC News poll:

In terms of their own activity, 63 percent of 13- to 17-year-olds say they've kissed romantically, rising to 73 percent of those 15 and up. Forty-four percent report sexual touching; among older teens, it's 55 percent. Nineteen percent of all teens, and 27 percent of older teens, say they've had oral sex. As many have had sexual intercourse.

Birds do it, bees do it, and there is a 50-50 chance that your kids are doing it too. But despite the fact that the teen girls in the Florida case were doing what half of all teen girls have done, all the activities described in the poll would violate Florida's "lewd and lascivious" law.

There are facts, and then there is Florida law, and unfortunately, the two are not necessarily synonymous. Age-of-consent laws vary widely from state to state, country to country, culture to culture and time period to time period. Globally, the age of consent ranges from as low as 12 to as high as 21. For that reason alone, the objective logic and rationale behind these laws are suspect. Even "traditional" thinkers must pause and take note of the fact that it's probable that the Virgin Mary was divinely impregnated, gave birth and then had marital sex all well before her 14th birthday. Under today's tight scrutiny, Joseph and possibly even God himself would be labeled child sex predators.

There is a massive online petition in support of Kaitlyn, and even celebrated author Anne Rice has come out in her defense. "It's outrageous really that anyone would arrest a girl of 18 for relations with a girl of 15," Rice wrote on her Facebook page. "I've never heard of a boy being arrested in the same situation, ever." (In fact, boys have been arrested for the same "crime.") Rice later added:

To criminalize this girl, to force her to register as a "sex offender," to threaten her with jail is monstrous, and it would just as monstrous if she were a boy who'd been dating the underaged one for two years, too. Laws that criminalize teen age dating like this should be reformed all through our country.

Support notwithstanding, there is no disputing that Kaitlyn Hunt is in legal trouble, and the good will may not help her. She was an 18-year-old who had sexual intimacy with a 14-year-old. (The relationship began before the younger girl turned 15.) She has pled "not guilty." Legal experts in Florida agree that she may have violated the laws on the books, but she may qualify for the "Romeo and Juliet" exemption, which would not forgive her but would keep her from being labeled a sex offender. However, that exemption is usually denied by the courts. Even in the most permissive courts in the state, it is granted only about 24 percent of the time. She is not headed for one of those courts. But even if the idea of a sexual relationship between an 18-year-old and a 14-year-old makes people uncomfortable, can anyone really look at the relationship between these two girls and come to the conclusion that it is worthy of a felony and lifelong stigma?

Given that older and younger teens are intermingling frequently throughout Florida high schools, it seems pertinent to ask whom the Florida law is applied to and when. County Sheriff Deryl Loar, pursuing Kaitlin's case, is quoted as saying, "When you have vocal victims, that enhances the case." So I decided to address the "vocal victims," parent to parent, in an open letter.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. S:

I cannot honestly tell you that I know what you are going through. My sons are both 10 years old. As they grow up over the next few years, I do worry about what kind of relationships they will have and their moral, spiritual and emotional health. I love them more than anything in the world and want nothing but their well-being, health and ultimate happiness.

I cannot imagine that you want less than that for your daughter. But it seems that you have had a good deal of contention, given the fact that she ran away from home in January. I imagine that your issue with her sexuality played a part of that situation, and even though I would not agree with your opinion that her sexuality is a "choice," I'm not seeking to discuss that issue or change your views with this letter. Instead, this letter is a hopeful plea for a reasoned response to her situation, because in many families that go through the issues that your family is facing, the child in question ends up taking to the streets, committing suicide or meeting some other tragic result.

I understand that you do not approve of your daughter's relationship with Kaitlyn or the fact that they have been sexual. I likely would feel similarly about one of my sons having relations with an 18-year-old at just 14 years old. I also understand that you have the law and all its resources on your side. You are not misusing it. It says what it says, and you are operating accordingly. But here is a question that I have asked people facing major life decisions, and I would like you to consider it: Would your rather be right, or would you rather be happy? I believe that that is exactly the question before you right now. The happiness in question is not minor, and it is not only your own but your daughter's, her girlfriend's, her girlfriend's family's and the community's.

Your daughter was not molested by a predator. She was involved in an overly adult-like relationship with another teen. She was not targeted by someone wanting to do her harm. She was embraced by someone who loved her and wanted good for her. As I pointed out, you do have laws on your side, and they, too, can ignore the fact that no one wished to abuse your daughter, but I'd like you to answer two additional questions: How could this end well? If you pursue the charges as you intend, and if you win, will you have created misery for all involved, including for yourselves? The answer is that the young woman may be imprisoned and tainted with a label for life. Your daughter may have to wade through the quagmire of resentment toward you and the knowledge that you demolished the tenderness of her first love. And if that weren't enough, she may have to fight feeling ostracized, unable to trust or be trusted in relationships, and be plagued by a confused sense of love and abuse.

I could never do that to one of my sons. I pray that you find it in your heart not to do it to your daughter. There has got to be a better way to work this out. You have the power to be magnanimous and effect a positive outcome for all. What is legal is not always what is spiritually right. It is not what will inspire deep and abiding love and respect within your family. Please find that kindness, fairness and compassion. Drop the charges, determine a better way to communicate, and help your daughter start a rich and rewarding life.

Sincerely,
Rob Watson

Chuck Gomez: We Will Not Retreat in Fear: Anti-Gay Hate Crimes Spark Outrage, Sorrow and Rallying Cries

2013-05-22T23:51:23Z

I watched as a dark-haired woman placed a long-stemmed red rose next to a photo of a smiling Mark Carson. At a makeshift memorial outside a closed bookstore in Greenwich Village, they honored Mark's memory. This is the spot where police say the 32-year-old was gunned down May 17 in what they are calling a hate crime. There were dozens of bouquets of lilies, chrysanthemums, azaleas and roses placed around candles flickering in glass jars with images of Our Lady of Guadalupe and the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And as the candles glowed, Mark's image appeared almost saintly. A sign caught my eye. It read, "Hate Cannot Drive Out Hate. Only Love Can Do That."

The woman who brought the rose turned away, and I noticed that her eyes were misty, her face etched with sorrow. Her name, she told me, was Montse Sanchez Mazas. She was on vacation in New York from Galicia, Spain. "In Spain we don't see gay people murdered like this," she says softly. "I'm here because I just can't stand the idea that someone can be killed because of their sexual orientation." Although Ms. Mazas never met Mark Carson, his death affected her deeply. "I pray for his family," she told me as she walked away.

Nearby, Nigel Joseph, a close friend of Carson's, wiped away a tear. "He was such a sweetheart," he said. "The shirt I am wearing right now he gave me. I've been trying not to break down, because he wouldn't cry; he would smile."

But away from the memorial, a shocking reality was startling a shattered gay community. New anti-gay attacks, just hours after throngs marched through Greenwich Village to protest Carson's killing, were sounding a piercing alarm. Was it happening again? Police say Steven Dixon, 42, and Michael Coleman, 41, were attacked in SoHo by two thugs hurling anti-gay slurs hours after demonstrators staged a big rally to denounce anti-gay violence. They say Dixon was beaten, suffering lacerations and swelling around his right eye. Police arrested Fabian Ortiz, 32, and Pedro Jiminez, 23, and charged them with assault as a hate crime and felony. And police were also investigating an attack Monday in the East Village on gay promoter Dan Contarino. Police say an attacker shouted anti-gay remarks as he kicked and beat Contarino.

"We are shocked and angry to learn that just hours after marching with thousands of people through Greenwich Village to stand up against hate crimes, at least two New Yorkers were attacked on the streets of Manhattan because they were perceived to be gay," City Council Speaker Christine Quinn said in a statement released to the press. "We will not retreat in fear," she emphasized.

Osvaldo Perdomo, who sits on the board of directors of GMHC and participated in the rally, went one step further. "These types of hate attacks can't continue to happen in New York City or any other city in the United States," he said. "We won't tolerate going back to the past. We must demand respect."

We live at a time when a black American president speaks eloquently about "our gay brothers and sisters" in an inaugural address. In so doing, President Obama became the first sitting U.S. president to include the LGBT community in an inauguration speech. We live at a time when more and more states across the country are passing marriage equality legislation. We live at a time when we can turn on our TV sets and see shows like Glee and Modern Family. They feature gay characters as positive role models. We watch as sports heroes, actors and Oscar winners come out publicly as gay. Could it be that with all this visibility, anti-gay sentiments are being stirred as homophobic violence erupts? The questions persist, and the answers aren't easy. Is homophobia a troubling sign of our times? Will it pass? Do hate crimes remind us of attacks on blacks that coincided with the civil rights movement? Should gay leaders be scared, or will threats of violence only strengthen our community's resolve?

If so, such resolve could be the gay community's rallying cry, some gay leaders say.

"I think that there is a deep-seated fear of difference at the root of all this," says Micah Busey, Community Minister of Arts at Judgment Memorial Church. The church is a few blocks from where Carson was gunned down. "Any time where you see someone getting something different that you don't think they deserve, something changes in some brains, and you get violence."

Other gay leaders, like Thomas Krever, the executive director of the Hetrick-Martin Institute, believes that the reasons are secondary to the challenges that must be faced. "There needs to be a greater sense of awareness in the community, followed by the understanding that we all have responsibilities," he said. The Hetrick-Martin Institue teaches empowerment, education and advocacy to LGBT youth. "What are we going to do?" he asks. "Whether it is curriculum, whether it's creating safe spaces to have these dialogues. Where is the accountability going to be when these horrific events happen?"

According to an April 9, 2012, LiveScience article reporting on a study published in the April 2012 issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, "individuals who are most hostile toward gays and hold strong anti-gay views may themselves have same-sex desires, albeit undercover ones." Richard Ryan, a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester and a co-author of the study, put it this way: "[I]f you are feeling that kind of visceral reaction to an out-group, ask yourself, 'Why?' Those intense emotions should serve as a call to self-reflection." The LiveScience article also reported that the study suggests that "homophobia may also stem from authoritarian parents, particularly those with homophobic views as well."

At a news conference regarding the killing of Mark Carson, New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said that there have been 22 bias-motivated crimes in New York City this year, up "significantly" from 13 at this time last year. Police say Elliot Morales, 33, was arrested on second-degree murder charges (as a hate crime) in connection with the killing of Carson and two counts of criminal possession of a weapon. But the facts and statistics of the recent attacks, must be viewed against an emotional backdrop, gay leaders say. How does a community under siege cope?

Antoine Williams, a young black man who attended the rally, shakes his head when asked to comment on the recent rash of anti-gay assaults. "We come to the Village all the time with our friends to hang out," he says. "We never think that our lives could end at any moment and that some crazy person will pull out a gun on us just for who we are."

Desiree Ortiz, a friend of Mark Carson, agrees. "Homophobia can be a very strong feeling," she says. "If you're not with the gay thing, I'm not shooting you in the face because you are straight." Then she adds emphatically, "I think there should be more of a police presence."

Jean Grillo remembers the gay-bashing attacks of the 1970s. "We thought we had seen the end of that, and to see it may rear up again is unconscionable," she says. "I'm a straight person with gay relatives, and I'm against anyone being attacked for who they are, straight or gay."

As Memorial Day gives way to June, also known as Pride Month, there is a growing fear that gay attacks may increase.

"I would like to say there won't be more," says Micah Busey, "but I really fear there will be more."

Nigel Joseph, who came to say goodbye to his best friend, believes hate crimes like Mark's touch many lives. "It's more than just our loss," he says. "It's the community's loss. Violence isn't justice. It just has to stop, period -- against gays, against race, against anything. We should just love."

As he spoke, I was reminded of the sign at the sidewalk memorial that first caught my eye: "Hate Cannot Drive Out Hate. Only Love Can Do That." Mark Carson would certainly have agreed.

Jama Shelton: Ending LGBT Youth Homelessness: Forty to None Project's Multi-pronged Approach

2013-05-22T23:16:44Z

When I tell people that the Forty to None Project is working to end homelessness among lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) young people, I am most often met with: "So... how are you going to do that?"

In the coming months, I will continue to write about our work at the Forty to None Project, as well as the work of innovative organizations around the country that are having a positive impact in their communities by meeting the needs of LGBT young people experiencing homelessness.

Most solutions to the problem of youth homelessness center around increased shelter services. We cry, "More beds! More beds!" And we do need more beds, but we also need more than more beds. For example, we need a strategy to tackle the root causes of LGBT youth homelessness so that we can work to prevent it, rather than only reacting to it. We need to do both. In addition to short-term shelter beds, which get young people off the street temporarily, we need long-term, ongoing and affirming care. At the Forty to None Project, we have established a three-tiered approach to addressing LGBT youth homelessness that is infused into and informs all aspects of our work. This approach is multidimensional and holistic; each part is important in its own right but ineffective without the others. I will explain each tier through the story of one amazing young person I know, Angel.

I met Angel when she was 17. She had recently been kicked out of her house after coming out to her mother as transgender. Her mother said that Angel could not continue to live at home because she operated a daycare program out of their house and was afraid that she would lose her business if people in the neighborhood knew. Her mother's rejection cut Angel off from her family, her neighborhood and her community. Is there a way that this could have been prevented?

Our first tier is promoting acceptance. Through promoting acceptance, we can prevent some LGBT youth from becoming homeless. We need to reach families, youth and communities before young people come out and provide them with information about the negative outcomes associated with identity-based rejection and homelessness. If Angel's mom had received this kind of information, maybe, just maybe, Angel wouldn't have been kicked out. One way that we are working on promoting acceptance at the Forty to None Project is through collaborating with leading universities to develop research examining the root causes of rejection. Once we understand the root causes of rejection, we can craft effective strategies for reaching families and communities before their young people even come out.

Angel was kicked out, though, and she moved into a shelter program. While there, she reestablished contact with her mother, who told her that she could come to visit, but only between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m., so that no one in the neighborhood would see her. Program staff found this upsetting and encouraged Angel not to travel to the neighborhood during those hours, out of concern for Angel's physical and emotional safety.

Our second tier is targeted family assessment. We need programs that have the capacity to work with young people and their families in order to thoroughly explore options for reunification and/or relationship building. Capacity means that programs must be provided with the resources (training and financial support) to train their staff on family assessment and intervention techniques. If staying in the home is not an option, then programs can support relationship building within the family, family networks and community. An assessment of family and community networks may yield an affirming home for a gay or transgender young person. At the Forty to None Project, we are working with agencies across the country to identify and disseminate best practices for supporting families and communities and preventing LGBT youth homelessness.

Family reunification will not always be an option; sometimes other issues are happening in the home. Sometimes being out of the home is the safest and only viable option for young people.

Angel, like other young people who can't return home, moved between shelters and transitional living programs for the next few years. She didn't stay at some for long, because she didn't feel safe or affirmed in her identity. Though she did not have a stable living environment, she finished high school, secured a minimum-wage job and began saving money to live on her own. These tasks are challenging for many young people, especially for those without financial resources or family support.

Our third tier is affirming and competent care. Some young people will need ongoing support and assistance to make it through the transition to independent adulthood. The majority of young people in the country do not have access to LGBT-specific shelter programs. Based on our research with the Palette Fund and the Williams Institute, we know that 76 percent of homeless LGBT youth are accessing mainstream shelter services. It is imperative that all programs know how to work with all youth. One piece of our work in this area is the development of an inclusive system of training and accountability. We will not only ensure that agencies across the country receive quality training, but we will also conduct site assessments and score agencies so that we can help ensure that LGBT young people will be safe and affirmed wherever they go for services.

Five years after I met her, Angel got the keys to her own supportive housing apartment in New York City. Though the journey took some time, Angel's story has a successful ending. With targeted prevention and intervention strategies, we can shorten the duration of the journey for other LGBT young people experiencing homelessness.

Tyler Curry: Headless Torsos: How Smart Phone Apps Have Changed Dating for the Worse

2013-05-22T23:11:01Z

Modern technology has led to a virtual fast food line for anything the modern gay man desires. Whether it's take-out, a new pair of shoes or an late night guest we are in search of, all it takes is a few clicks of a finger. Whereas with shoes and take-out, our favorite phone app has only changed the way we order our latest craving. But dating and hook-up apps have all but revolutionized the approach we take with sex and dating in general. Of course, these apps have their rightful place and there are plenty other more "traditional" approaches that gay men can take when dating. But has the culture of stats, nudies and decapitated men begun to spill over into the rest our dating lives and making everything else look a little... cheap?

The gay culture has drifted further away from the values a real relationship make at a time where we are mere inches away from being granted the right walk down the aisle. We have gone so far in de-emphasizing our intellectual traits in mating and dating that we actually cut our heads off in order to attract a mate. This phenomenon may not be as directly apparent in the more traditional approaches of dating, but the culture of "sexual priorities" can still be felt.

Of course, these "social media" apps aren't solely to blame for the over-emphasis of the sexual in lieu of intellectual in gay culture. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, our "training years" when we are supposed to learn the basics of dating, mating and boundaries are typically truncated. The duration of this relationship limbo depends on how long our closeted period lasts. So, when we finally get the chance to play house with members of the same sex, we typically head straight to the bedroom.

Yet, after decades of many trials and travails of the gay rights movement, we are now recognized as a beautifully diverse and emotionally engaged group of society.
Juxtaposed with this feat of accomplishment that seemed nearly impossible just years earlier is the general regression of the gay man's dating game. The use of hook-up apps are one thing, but the context of leading with the physical in hopes of the emotional has most gay men spinning in circles... and I can't help but to think that that mean little black-and-yellow face on almost every one of our phones (okay, so you just deleted it) is at least partially to blame.

For example, last week a very handsome man that I have known for some time asked me out to dinner. This dinner invite came through a much more respectable medium of communication--Facebook (or, as it seems to be for me, Grindr for gentlemen). I was ecstatic. It had been a while since a handsome, successful and appropriately aged man had asked me on a real date. Not a "let's meet for drinks" or "wanna come watch a movie" date, but a cloth-napkin, pick-you-up-at-eight date.

Unfortunately, it wasn't but a minute before the little hearts that started gathering around my head began to pop, one by one. I had only eliminated half of my closet in search of acceptable first date options when I was asked if I was a top or a bottom. This man had yet to discover my religious affiliation, whether or not I would laugh at his jokes or if I was interested in the same type of movies as he was. Why bother with such trivial things if our percentages of top vs. bottom are a mismatch. Instead of figuring it out by the transgression of each other's idiosyncrasies (and let's face it, you can typically tell in about 20 minutes), we reduce ourselves to cavemen.

"Me, top only. You, bottom?"

I was not afforded the option to establish chemistry based on such trivial traits like personality and humor. How did this happen from a man who was supposedly interested in getting to know me, and not just in the biblical sense? Easy -- he and almost every other single gay man have been de-sensitized by apps like Grindr.

The date never happened.

There is a vast disparity between being able to enjoy sex as just sex and turning yourself into a virtual blow-up doll with a day job. Physical attraction is an important part in the development of relationships past the point of platonic but it has become a grossly overrated value in the gay culture. In order to develop a lasting physical relationship, the most essential characteristics far surpass the size that of your member.

Love and sex are inevitably linked even though sex can appear on the menu á la carte. For too long, love in the gay community was scoffed at, second guessed and considered all together less than those who are in real, heterosexual love. Although we knew better, after a while the opinions of others can start to feel like truth. Maybe we assumed that true love was impossible in our oversexed, grass-is-always-greener communities. It's hard to say whether this belief came from our own conclusions or from the judgments of others. But as we eagerly wait to hear one of the most important U.S. Supreme Court rulings in the history of the gay rights movement, we owe ourselves more than just a parade and a pat on the back. We owe it to ourselves to take the chance and establish a real bond with someone based on our interests, values and whether or not you can tolerate each other's family members. And yes -- even sex.

If sex is just what you are looking for, carry on. But if you are ready for something a little beyond the physical, start with some questions about where he grew up and what kind of movies he is into while you have dinner with all of your clothes on. And try to refrain from pressing send on the cock shots... at least until after you have seen it in person.

The Guyliner: A Date in the Park With the Guy Who Asked Me to Suck it and See

2013-05-22T23:00:00Z

"Go on, just suck it. You might like it."

I roll my eyes. Yet another date who confuses sleaze and innuendo with flirtation. For me, they're uneasy bedfellows.

I'm sitting in the park on an unseasonably warm day for the time of year. Before me is a mini banquet of all manner of romantic foods: chocolates; adorable cupcakes; dinky little sandwiches with the corners cut off; fizz. And yet there is no spark whatsoever between me and my date, who now sits next to me proffering a red lollipop, eager for me to wrap my lips around it. No doubt he's anticipating a preview of the 'technique' that I am now absolutely certain he is never going to experience in real life.

You should try to avoid going on dates if you're not that keen on the person. While it can be nice to 'get out of the house', toying with someone's affections merely because you don't have anything else in the diary is unfair. I am, of course, filled to the rafters with advice I never take and standards I set but refuse to live by, so, through lack of other options, I'm here with Graham, an accountant from what he calls "the West Country", getting grass stains on my favourite shorts. I'm a bad person, I know; I don't need telling twice.

This is our second date - our first was a run-of-the-mill 'four drinks and home' on a Thursday night. There was a distinct lack of something on our first meeting, but he has a nice face and has made the fatal mistake of acting as if he is very 'into me' -- the ultimate aphrodisiac. I am nothing if not vain and stupid, so rather than politely decline his invitation to poke over finger food in the middle of Regents Park, I accepted. For one brief, idiotic moment I imagined an afternoon basking in the undivided attention of a pretty boy would be a good way to spend the weekend and a relatively wholesome one at that. Instead, he's trying to get me to fellate sugary treats in an effort to move the date on from being two vague acquaintances nodding at each other across a picnic blanket, to a pair of lusty bodies writhing around in the herbaceous borders.

He's giving up his Saturday for what he thinks is a sure thing, so I do feel a little disingenuous having agreed to meet him. Lewd lollipops aside, he's gone all out to charm me -- and his picnic is impressive -- but, like I say, I didn't have anything better to do anyway. Sometimes that's the only reason guys say yes to a date -- an empty horizon. I have jumped upon the wrong ship out of sheer desperation.

I take the lollipop, despite myself, and wrap my mouth around it. He watches, transfixed, like a businessman watching a stripper take her bra off. To make up for my guilt at wasting his time, I make more of an effort to be entertaining and chatty. I know this isn't going anywhere, but I don't have to act like an arsehole. I at least owe him some conversation. I ask him lots of questions and he answers them eagerly. I quickly realise my renewed interest in him is making him like me even more. I'm not really sure how to extricate myself from this, so I turn on to my front and prop myself up with my elbows, noseying at everybody else in the park. He reaches out and strokes the back of my knee with his hand. I turn to look at him; he's staring straight ahead. His facial expression displays nonchalance, but the tremble of his touch betrays his nerves. Soon, the sun starts to slink off behind the trees. I sit up and nervously fidget with the lolly wrapper.
He fixes his doe eyes upon me and asks: "What are you doing tonight?"

I lie back on the grass and close my eyes tightly. I hear the splash of prosecco as he refills my glass. "Nothing," I say. "I'm free tonight."

I open my eyes and he is looking back at me. I guess he's maybe thinking that 'sure thing' is going to work out for him after all. He's pleased, hopeful -- whereas I just wish I'd never laid eyes on that bloody lollipop.

Stats: 28, 5'11", brown/blue, Taunton
Where: Regents Park, London
Pre-date rating: 6/10
Post-date rating: 6/10
Date in one sentence: Don't suck anything unless you're prepared to face the consequences.

Charlotte Robinson: Somer Bingham Talks LGBT Issues and Life After The Real L Word (AUDIO)

2013-05-22T22:51:21Z

This week I talked with Somer Bingham, the punk-edged musician whom we got to know last season on Showtime's hit reality TV series The Real L Word. Somer's gutsy performance style and authenticity led to her being cast on the show, where the lesbian community got to know her as relatable and uncompromising. Showtime then chose Somer to create a weekly video blog to accompany the series, calling it Somer Fridays. After 2 million views, its success has exceeded all expectations. Now she's started a new music project, Clinical Trials, inspired by the energy of Nirvana and Patti Smith. She lives in Brooklyn, N.Y., with her wife, Donna, and their two mini-wolves.

I talked with Somer about life after The Real L Word and her spin on LGBT issues. When asked about her personal commitment to LGBT equality, Bingham stated:

I think just by being out, that's the first step that anyone can take. I happened to be on the show, which was an exposure, and saying I'm a proud, out lesbian. But I actually put on a couple of shows that were just for youth who were questioning, or who were struggling or might have been bullied. There's an organization in Long Island, called Pride for Youth, that I went to one of their charity events, and I'm going back to just hang out with the girls. I want to be exposed, and I want to be out in that way that makes other people feel less lonely.

LISTEN:

Somer and Clinical Trials will be appearing as part of the "Female-Fronted Music Takeover" night at TT the Bear's Place in Cambridge, Mass., on May 30. Nothing quite compares to a night of incredible bands led by women of rock, and for music fans who also love supporting LGBTQ artists, each band happens to include queer and lesbian-identifying members. The other bands are Sugar Bomb!, a Boston-based alternative/pop-rock band spawned from the brain of frontwoman Kat Hamilton; the blues-influenced grunge band Slothrust; and Licious, largely inspired by Fiona Apple, Regina Spektor and Portishead.

For more information on Clinical Trials, visit clinicaltrialsmusic.com.

Listen to more interviews with LGBTQ leaders, allies, and celebrities at OUTTAKE VOICES™.

Download interviews on iTunes.

Democrats Blow Another One

2013-05-22T22:48:12Z

My friend John Fugelsang likes to say that the Democratic Party is like an S&M submissive who forgot his safety word. After the lame performance of Democrats in the immigration reform markup, I would say Fugelsang is being generous. Republicans are incredibly skilled at holding no actual power but nonetheless making wildly effective threats. Democrats on the other hand display the unique and vexing ability to have every political advantage and still cave on their own goals, more often than not preemptively.

PHOTOS: Has Ellen Had Enough Of LA?

2013-05-22T22:44:38Z

Rhetorically speaking, how many mansions does one celebrity couple actually need? Add this Santa Barbara stunner to the real estate portfolio of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi. Public records don't yet say what they paid for it, but it had been listed at $26.5 million.

The 13-acre estate, which some media outlets put in Montecito although public records have it in Santa Barbara, is a restored Tuscany villa with mature gardens that include olive and eucalyptus trees.

Think large scale here. The two-story, 10,500-square-foot home was built in the late 1920s using locally quarried stones and sits on 9.8 acres of land. The living room is 800 square feet; there are nine fireplaces and a Roman column that dates from 200 B.C. stands in the gardens.

Lookie-loos needn't bother making the trip because the house, gated of course, has a quarter-mile driveway and you can see nothing -- nothing -- from the road. Property records also show that the couple purchased a 3.8-acre plot right next door, although we can't imagine they have plans to expand the villa. The extra land is more likely another attempt to ensure their privacy.

The popular talk show host and her actress wife also own homes in Beverly Hills and a ranch in Hidden Valley that was affected by the recent Camarillo Springs wildfire. And this isn't the first time they've owned in the Montecito area either. In 2006, they bought a 1926 estate for $15.75 million that they sold in 2008 for about $20 million to multi-billionaire Eric Schmidt, the executive chairman of Google. Let's see how fast DeGeneres flips this new one.

Photos courtesy of Realtor.com

Joanne Spataro: Backstage With Comedian Fortune Feimster

2013-05-22T22:44:16Z

Fortune Feimster and I sit in the Green Room at The Comedy Zone in Charlotte before her standup show. As she sips a Jack and Ginger in a tall glass, I feel compelled to ask about a certain seven-year-old pageant queen: Honey Boo Boo, whom Feimster plays on the E! Channel late night talk show Chelsea Lately. She expresses mild regret over not spoofing the recent wedding of Honey Boo Boo's parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear. June even wore a camo and pink-trimmed wedding gown. It seemed too good for Feimster to resist.

"I missed the boat," she says. "I should have done it that week, but I got lazy."

But Feimster is far from taking it easy. She travels the country doing standup and is a writer and performer on Chelsea Lately and the mocumentary-style show After Lately. The Belmont, N.C. native graduated from Peace College in Raleigh before moving to Los Angeles 11 years ago. She got her break on season seven of NBC's Last Comic Standing.

These days, she only gets to visit home twice a year. For this visit, she has a big family lunch and goes to the park before her third of four scheduled shows. Family, friends and neighbors -- even her former tennis coach -- are in the audience tonight. Not bad for an openly lesbian comedian from the South, who says she has never felt negativity from those in her small town who may not support gay marriage or equal rights for the LGBT community.

Before Feimster went onstage, we talked "sketti" dinners, being gay in the South and what it was like to surprise grab Chelsea Handler's boob on national television.

[Author's Note: Answers have been edited for brevity and clarity.]

Joanne Spataro: Do you miss Belmont?

Fortune Feimster: I do. [Los Angeles] is pretty much home now, but it's nice to come here and see a bunch of familiar faces.

JS: Where does your Honey Boo Boo impersonation come from?

FF: I definitely draw upon my own Southern roots. I feel like I'm watching my own family when I watch that show except we don't eat spaghetti with ketchup and butter. We're not that bad, but it's not that far off.

JS: How do you plan Chelsea Lately?

FF: We film Monday through Thursday. The day before, we're always looking for topics to talk about. As a room, we yell jokes, make each other laugh or give each other crap for our bad jokes. You write them up in teams. Then we research shows and clips for the cold opens and try to come up with sketch ideas. We're just always trying to think of funny stuff.

JS: How is After Lately different from Chelsea Lately?

FF: A lot of the storylines [in After Lately] are based on something that happened to someone. We take whatever happened and [decide] who would that be funnier for that to happen to and we times it by three.

I don't talk as much in After Lately as I do in real life. [But] when you put a room full of comedians together, you have to be very aggressive [and] I'm just not very aggressive. I wait for the moment and then I strike! Punch them in the jugular with the comedy.

JS: In a recent Chelsea Lately episode, you kissed Chelsea. Was that rehearsed?

FF: It was rehearsed but she was the one who couldn't come to rehearsal. I had forgotten I was supposed to kiss her so the cue happened and I just stood there. It reminded me of being an awkward teenager. I looked at her while everyone else was kissing [and] I'm like, "Oh yeah." Then I kissed her.

JS: Was grabbing her boob at the same time also planned?

FF: One of my executive producers said, "Don't tell Chelsea, but grab her boob during the kiss." I was like all right. She was just like whatever. I guess she's used to having her boob grabbed.

JS: What are you hoping to do with your comedy career?

FF: I'd like to get into more acting. Writing for me has been a way to pay my bills. I would like to be doing more performing. I want to do acting and hopefully one day have my own show.

JS: What's your standup style like?

FF: I don't do a lot of characters so I need to find a way to bring those two worlds together. My standup is very real because it's based on stories that actually happened, so to bring in some fake character seems a little false. I'd like to do a one woman show one day to be able to do both monologues and random characters.

JS: Which comedians do you admire?

FF: I grew up watching Carol Burnett reruns. I loved her because she was one of the first ones that did standup with the monologue and all those characters. Will Ferrell is amazing. I like how ridiculously dedicated he is to all of his characters. I didn't watch a lot of standup growing up, so I'm not as well-versed as I should be. I grew up on SNL [Saturday Night Live]. I thought that would be my path with characters. Then I sort of fell into standup. I'm trying to catch up with being a standup fan. I love Louis CK and Patton Oswalt.

JS: Do you feel a responsibility to the LGBT community to be a role model?

FF: Yeah, for sure. I take that seriously. If I can be a positive role model for people it's a big bonus because it means there's significance, so I'm doing something other than telling jokes.

JS: What's the dating scene like in Los Angeles?

FF: Dating for anyone of any sex is tough, especially for me since I work all the time. I chose to put work first and other things have come second. I'm trying to make other things like that more of a priority as I get older. There are a lot of wonderful LA girls, but you miss the good manners of the South.

JS: How is it different from dating in the South?

FF: I wasn't out when I was in North Carolina. I moved away when I was 22, so I don't know really what it's like to be gay in the South. I would have had a different experience had I still lived here. I'm from a small town and people have different views on gay marriage, but it's almost because I'm on TV I get some kind of weird pass, like they're ok with me being gay because I make them laugh. I also hope that's because they know I'm a good person.

LGBT Activists Stand By Immigration Reform, Even After Loss

2013-05-22T22:36:23Z

WASHINGTON -- Although Democrats abandoned same-sex couple provisions in immigration reform legislation on Tuesday, LGBT activists will continue to support the bill, saying there are aspects of the "gang of eight" plan worth fighting for, even if it leaves out gay couples.

"Immigrants come in all shapes and forms. Is it too much to ask to be looked at as a full human being, as an undocumented immigrant who happens to be gay?" said Jose Antonio Vargas, a journalist and immigration reform advocate who founded Define American.

"That's what I find so frustrating in this whole process," he continued. "But I support this bill. This is not a perfect bill but we need to move forward and this is a bill that gets us forward. So let's go forward."

The Senate Judiciary Committee passed the bipartisan gang of eight immigration bill on Tuesday in a 13-5 vote, with three Republicans -- Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) and gang of eight members Sens. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) and Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) -- supporting the bill. The vote will send the bill to the Senate floor, but it followed a major loss for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community; Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) pulled his amendment that would have allowed foreign-born partners in same-sex, binational couples to petition for a green card in the same way heterosexual partners can.

Republicans, including Graham, insisted the amendment would kill immigration reform, giving Democrats little choice. "You've got me on immigration, you don't have me on marriage," Graham said at the markup Tuesday evening, threatening to abandon his own bill. "I just can't tell you more directly. If you want to keep me on immigration, let's stay on immigration."

There are an estimated 40,000 binational same-sex couples in the United States, but there are also an estimated 11 million undocumented immigrants, many of whom would be helped by the bill. Around 267,000 of them are LGBT.

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-Ill.), a gang of eight member, said if it came down to opposing the same-sex couple amendment or killing the whole bill, he'd have to do the former. He's a longtime proponent of both immigration reform -- particularly the Dream Act to give legal status to undocumented youth -- and equality in the process, and sounded pained as he explained why he wouldn't support Leahy's measure.

"I believe that this is the wrong moment, and this is the wrong bill," he said.

The White House, for its part, indicated that the administration would be willing to accept a compromise bill without the same-sex couple provision, even though President Barack Obama supports it.

It was disappointing news for LGBT and immigrant activists.

"We're outraged by the political lack of interest," said Felipe Sousa-Rodriguez, an undocumented immigrant who works for the LGBT advocacy group GetEqual and whose husband is a soon-to-be U.S. citizen.

After Leahy withdrew the amendment, Immigration Equality Action Fund Executive Director Rachel Tiven, said in a statement that senators "abandoned LGBT families without a vote." Tiven pointed out in an interview on Wednesday that Immigration Equality, despite its marriage focus, also works on other LGBT issues such as helping people who are seeking asylum because they feel unsafe in their home country. She said the immigration reform bill is important even without same-sex couple provisions because it offers a path to citizenship and asylum provisions. Under the bill, a one-year deadline would be eliminated for asylum seekers to make their applications, giving LGBT immigrants worried about coming forward more time to make their claim.

If the Defense of Marriage Act is struck down by the Supreme Court, the issues faced by binational couples would, in part, be moot. In that case, the federal government could recognize legal marriages between two men or two women for immigration purposes, although some couples would have to travel outside their state to get married legally.

For Judy Rickard, the loss of the amendment means there won't be anything in the immigration bill to help her and her wife, Karin Bogliolo. Bogliolo is from the United Kingdom and is in the country legally, but Rickard has been unable to petition for a spousal green card. If they can't stay in the U.S. together, Rickard may decide to leave her country. She said Wednesday she was "still reeling" from what happened.

"I still say we win together or we lose together," she said. "I can't say I am surprised we got left out, but it hurts beyond my imagination, and I realized it as I was watching and listening that Democratic senators would talk about groups of people and pit them against each other."

One of the things LGBT groups find most frustrating is the idea that it's them versus immigrant rights advocates. Gay rights and immigration advocacy groups formed coalitions to push for comprehensive reform, and they plan to stick together despite disappointments.

"The LGBT community did not put ourselves in this position," Dave Montez, the acting president of GLAAD, said. "We said that we were supportive, we continue to say we're supportive. At some point there needs to be conversations about the conservative leaders that created this false dichotomy, that created this false choice between LGBT people and immigrants."

Dana Beyer: LGBT Narratives, Memory and The Sense of an Ending

2013-05-22T22:33:00Z

I just finished a lovely short novel by Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending, which won the Man Booker Prize in 2011. It's a beautifully evocative disquisition on the unreliability and fragmentation of memory and the self-delusions that we create for ourselves to maintain our personal narratives. Time, being an entropic phenomenon, wears away not only our bodies but the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, and we seem to always be buttressing up those narratives so as to maintain our cognitive and emotional coherence. This book is one of mystery, a mystery that may or may not be answered in its last paragraph. Like most lives, that of the protagonist remains both historically and morally ambiguous up to the end. We can only glimpse a sense of his ending, and of ours as well.

The timing was particularly apt for me, as I've spent the past month immersed in personal nostalgia and remembrances: the 75th anniversary of the founding of my high school, which we called Science but which is known today as Bronx Science; a bar mitzvah celebration for the oldest grandson of former neighbors in Chevy Chase, Md., the patriarch of the family being a former president of the American Psychiatric Association; a stint as a panelist on the National Transgender Panel at the Equality Forum in Philadelphia; and, finally, my 35th Penn Med reunion at the old Bellevue-Stratford Hotel in Center City, Philadelphia, the source of patients we treated in 1976 with a mysterious illness that was later christened "Legionnaire's disease." It was immersion in living memory, with evidence in the guise of my colleagues and friends reporting just how stable, or not, my memories have been over the decades. They often remembered people and events I had forgotten, as I had captured moments of their lives forgotten by them. We know enough about memory formation today (though still remarkably little) to understand that it's the emotional content of an event that plays a major role in how a memory gets created. So examination of comparative memory caches is really a comparison of which life events had the most emotional resonance for various individuals. An incident that caused a burst of joy or shame in one would be completely ignored by others.

That's a storyline from my life, and I imagine that's true for many other trans (and gay) persons. I carried the shame of my difference within, quietly; as a result, I viewed the world and lived my life with a far different emotional barometer than did my friends and neighbors. It is often said that the whole point of the LGBT civil rights movement is to normalize our lives. I certainly act with that as a major principle in mind: normalization for the sake of creating a level playing field so that all can then become remarkable. So in a more deeply existential manner, the point of coming out and living free and equal is to allow all to live and create historical narratives on that level playing field; to not have to create memories based on shame and fear; to allow a life and its remembrance to be based on the emotions that we all have as human beings but which are grossly distorted by the closet.

Trans personal narratives also play out in another manner, and this past weekend's publication of the DSM-5 highlights that as well. Transgender persons are no longer required to have themselves defined as pathological to gain access to health care. The new "gender dysphoria" diagnosis (replacing "gender identity disorder") is not stigmatizing in and of itself, and does not impose a lifetime mark of Cain on the individual. Today one can gain access to health care without said diagnosis, and with the introduction of the Affordable Care Act, it should get much easier across the country. The persistence of the offensive diagnosis of "transvestic disorder," with its absurd, Freudian categories of autogynephilia and autoandrophilia, can and should be completely ignored by cross dressers. Just stay away, and let Professor Blanchard fade away into oblivion.

It was not that long ago, however, that trans women needed to revise their personal narratives to receive a diagnosis as a "true transsexual" and thereby qualify for health care and surgical reconstruction. Johns Hopkins, which offered the first university-based gender-reassignment program, had very strict rules about qualifications for transition. Put simply, only hyperfeminine women whose primary desire was to be penetrated by a man need bother to apply. When I sat down to fill out their intake questionnaire back in 1971, it seemed to me that 90 percent of the questions were about sexual activity and sexual desire. There was no sense that being trans was a form of being intersex, a basic type of human identity, and completely unrelated to sexual desire. That one could be a gay trans woman was worthy of ridicule, and divorce was required before surgery would be considered.

So to qualify for transition, one had to reconstruct one's life narrative to fit those criteria, and, as a result, trans women got the reputation in the psychiatric community of being liars. That is to some degree the bedrock upon which Dr. Blanchard concocted his Freudian theory, and it's not a great way to develop trust or determine the truth about people's lives. That basic level of mistrust is what still sometimes determines trans persons' relationships with the mental health community even today.

Our narratives, like those of all human beings, are subject to fragmentation, and, yes, we are all subject to some degree of self-delusion. To minimize that, and to provide gay and trans persons with the fundamental human right to self-determination, we must be afforded the right to our own narratives and histories.

Jennifer Aniston On 'Friends' Reunion: 'We All Miss Working Together'

2013-05-22T22:19:18Z

Before Jennifer Aniston co-hosted the "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" on Wednesday, the "Friends" alumna stopped by Matthew Perry's place for some advice and found out he was sleeping with Courteney Cox as well as the talk show host and her wife Portia de Rossi.

It might not have been the "Friends" reunion fans hoped for in April, when rumors of a Thanksgiving 2014 gathering had fans of the NBC sitcom in a frenzy, but the sketch featuring the actors best known as Rachel Green, Chandler Bing and Monica Gellar made waves on the Internet.

During Aniston's time on "Ellen," she interviewed De Rossi about her return to "Arrested Development." "I just think that must be like a dream come true to have one of the most beloved shows be taken away way before its time and then have it come back and have everybody be there," Aniston said to De Rossi (a.k.a. Lindsay Bluth) of the late Fox show's new season on Netflix. "It seems so seamless. Your fans must be so excited."

When De Rossi and DeGeneres pressed Aniston on her feelings about a true "Friends" reunion, she said, "What do you mean? I sort of just did one, no?" The audience laughed, but then, Aniston took the possibility a more seriously. "Doing that little bit with Matty and Court, we all were very nostalgic and miss working together and love each other," Aniston told DeGeneres, De Rossi and a very enthusiastic studio audience. "It's a great thing to get to go back to your family like that and also know that people will love it and enjoy it."

What'd you think of Jennifer Aniston on "Ellen"? Do you think a real "Friends" reunion could happen? Sound off in the comments!

Patrick Flanary: Scout's Honor? What Congress Could Learn From the BSA

2013-05-22T22:11:14Z

With each step toward equality this month comes a setback: Days after the 12th state signed marriage equality into law, a gay man was targeted and shot to death in New York. After France legalized same-sex marriage over the weekend, a Georgian mob pelted activists with rocks. And this week, in a paradox that has mounted all year, the National Council of the Boy Scouts of America will vote to recommend including gay scouts while excluding gay adult leaders.

The BSA's idea of progress is undermined by the organization's insistence on revoking a gay scout's membership on his 18th birthday. It suggests that he will prey on children the moment he enters adulthood. The ban on gay leaders, however, is not up for discussion at the council's annual meeting. Still, when the BSA mailed more than a million surveys to scouting families earlier this year, most young parents and teens disagreed with the policy.

"Maintaining one form of discrimination while ending another is not good enough," Graeme Reid, the director of Human Rights Watch's LGBT Rights Program, told me. "What message does it send to gay youth when gay leaders are excluded from the Boy Scouts movement? That gay adults are not suitable role models?"

An episode of NBC's The New Normal, "About a Boy Scout," examined this argument in March. David Sawyer, a gay man and proud Eagle Scout played by Justin Bartha, becomes an adored and admired leader during a weekend campout. But a father from the troop confesses to having reported David after a letter from the BSA arrives, stripping him of his Eagle honor. "You are the perfect role model," he tells David. "But the truth is, I don't want you to be the role model for my son." David, stunned, thanks him for his honesty.

"I think we sort of showed that you can't explain to a bigot that he's a bigot," show creator Ali Adler, a lesbian parent and a former girl scout, told me in a phone interview Friday. "Explaining to my child why it's probably not a great idea for him to explore Boy Scouts was heartbreaking. He didn't understand it."

That the BSA is even considering a reversal of its ban on gay scouts reflects our country's evolution on LGBT equality over the last 12 months. Last May, Vice President Joe Biden's remarks in support of same-sex marriage forced the president to address his own stance in an interview with ABC's Robin Roberts. In January, President Obama reinforced his support in his inaugural address. This month, three more states approved same-sex marriage. And next month, the Supreme Court will take up California's Prop 8 and the federal Defense of Marriage Act, two cases that would advance equality if overturned. Because DOMA defines marriage as being between one man and one woman, LGBT families are denied federal rights granted to straight ones, including military benefits and certain tax credits.

Last year, on the day before President Obama's interview with ABC, North Carolina voters approved a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman. Had Obama come forward with his support for same-sex marriage earlier, he might have swayed the state that helped elect him four years before. But his timing suggested that he didn't want to risk losing that diminishing base just before the 2012 election. He lost it anyway and maintains that marriage equality should be left to the states to decide.

Though same-sex marriage was already illegal in North Carolina, my home state cemented its intolerance by framing it in its constitution, thus ensuring that no state judge could touch it.

In an op-ed for The Charlotte Observer this month, Tami Fitzgerald, the executive director of the North Carolina Values Coalition, commends voters for passing the amendment in the face of "bullying and deception" from same-sex marriage advocates. Fitzgerald, who chaired the Vote for Marriage NC executive committee, argues that the amendment has not hurt families or hindered businesses over the last year. "Homosexual and lesbian couples can still have relationships with each other," she reasons.

They just can't marry each other.

Fitzgerald goes on to claim that the amendment "insulates" North Carolina from state and federal lawsuits, even if the Supreme Court overturns Prop 8, the California law restricting same-sex couples from marrying.

But Fitzgerald's claim is wrong. "A state can never insulate itself from its obligation under the U.S. Constitution to treat people equally, even if it amends its own constitution to enshrine inequality," Suzanne Goldberg, co-director of Columbia Law School's Center for Gender and Sexuality Law, told me. If next month the Supreme Court rules that denying marriage equality violates the 14th Amendment's equal protection guarantee, "North Carolina will have to abide by that ruling, as will every other state in the country," Goldberg added.

As for those "bullying" types whom Fitzgerald condemns, would she say the same about those bullying Republicans who filed a brief asking the Supreme Court to strike down Prop 8? Or those 100 bullying corporations that followed suit? Those bullying faiths, including the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that now encourage inclusion of openly gay scouts?

In a piece for The American Conservative earlier this year, former Utah governor and Republican presidential contender Jon Huntsman called marriage equality "a conservative cause." While reporting an unrelated story in March, I asked Huntsman, a Mormon and a fellow Eagle Scout, if he had contacted the BSA after signing the brief urging the court to invalidate Prop 8.

"No, I haven't been in touch, and I haven't really thought it through," Huntsman told me. "They've got a board of directors, and the board of directors will undoubtedly try to do the right thing in an ever-changing world."

That time is now, though the BSA is free to do as it chooses; the Supreme Court assured the organization of that right long ago. Calling the proposed ban reversal "a single, divisive, and unresolved societal issue," the BSA's website advises that "everyone within the Scouting family must work to stay focused on that which unites us." If that's true, the council's vote to welcome gay scouts should be an easy and unanimous one.

Yet last month, for the ninth time since 1994, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act was reintroduced in Congress. The legislation would make it illegal to fire someone based on sexual orientation or gender identity. A vote to enact ENDA should also be easy and unanimous. But over the course of 19 years, Congress has failed to pass it.

If our public leaders can't embrace equality for all, how can we expect a private organization to do the same?

The City With The Most Same-Sex Couples Raising Kids Is...

2013-05-22T21:36:07Z

A new Williams Institute poll has revealed some startling facts about the demographics of gay and lesbian parents.

Metro areas with the highest percentages of same-sex couples who are raising children are located in socially conservative states with constitutional bans on marriage equality in place, officials at the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law point out in a press release.

The following infographic was created as part of the new study:

At 26 percent, Salt Lake City, Utah topped the list of large U.S. cities with the most same-sex couples raising children, while at the state level, Mississippi had the highest percentage, also with 26 percent. Following closely behind were Virginia Beach, Va., Detroit and Memphis, Tenn.

Interestingly, smaller cities showed even higher rates of same-sex parents. More than 60 percent of same-sex couples in the North Dakota towns of Grand Forks and Bismarck were raising children.

"LGBT people in socially conservative areas likely come out later in life and are more likely to have relationships with different-sex partners while they are young that sometimes produce children," Gary J. Gates, the researcher behind the study, told MSN News. "It’s also unfortunate that so many of these families live in places with limited legal protections that can make their lives more difficult."

Though the list may seem surprising, researchers told the Los Angeles Times that LGBT couples often opt to have children in unlikely locations due to family ties.

"When you ask, 'Why are you living here?' they almost always say family," Abbie Goldberg, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who has studied gay and lesbian parents in rural areas, told the publication. "It shouldn't really be surprising. They value family — and now they're creating families of their own."

One person who isn't surprised by the result is Salt Lake City resident Keri Jones, who tells the Salt Lake Tribune she's witnessed what she describes as the city's "gaby boom" over the last dozen years firsthand.

"Where my daughter goes to school, there are another six or seven kids who have same-gender parents," Jones is quoted by the Tribune as saying. "It doesn’t have the same kind of stigma it used to."