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Mary Battiata: Mark Sanford and the Argentine Therapy Angle

2009-07-06T02:24:29Z

Love in the Time of Psychoanalysis:

As South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was reported leaving his official residence late Friday to see his estranged wife and children, you had to hope that his wife, Jenny, had invited a good psychiatrist along for the holiday weekend - preferably one of the Argentine variety.

In all the cherchez- la-femme commentary about the governor's behavior and motives, there's one angle that's been overlooked. Analyze this: isn't it possible that part of what inspired the Savonarola of Sullivan's Island to risk his family, his political career and his reputation for an increasingly unhinged affair was less love with a "hot" Argentine lover, as some have suggested, and more an intoxication with the unashamedly navel-gazing culture of Argentina itself? Argentina, you may recall, is the psychoanalysis capital of the world, with one psychologist or psychiatrist for every 1000 residents, as the New York Times reported over a decade ago. Buenos Aires, where the governor spent Father's Day weekend with his holed up with his paramour, runs "neck and neck" with New York City in number of therapists, and the number is growing, the Times said. "Argentines are passionate about understanding themselves and making their lives better and happier through self-knowledge," the president of the Argentine Psychoanalytic Association said in the Times' report.

After years at the top of South Carolina's political and social heap, the governor may have been feeling as dried out as an old cicada shell, in which condition Buenos Aires' unabashed and even florid attitude toward intense self-exploration may have felt like a wild amusement park ride, a balm to the soul, or both. Is there any city in the world better suited to host the mid-life crisis of a confused, upper class South Carolinian? Particularly a governor whose behavior, even before revelations of his yearlong affair and travels broke, displayed a certain lack of self-awareness. Sanford, remember, is the governor who demanded that his staff use both sides of their Post-It notes (requiring some time-devouring accordion pleating of paper, no doubt), and who theatrically rejected federal stimulus money intended to help his state's growing numbers of unemployed. This while he and his wife, a former Lazard Freres banker who hails from one of the wealthiest suburbs of Chicago, prepared to sell their house on exclusive Sullivan's Island in order to buy and restore a dream South Carolina plantation property.

And while we're on the subject of double standards, what about Jenny Sanford's stated intention to use the Sanford children as tactical weapons? Soon after her husband acknowledged that he had flouted her demand that he end his affair, Jenny Sanford announced that until the governor groveled sufficiently, he could forget about seeing his four sons. "You would think that a father who didn't have contact with his children, if he wanted those children, would toe the line a little bit..." she told the Associated Press coolly. "We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eye, and maintain my dignity, self-respect and my basic sense of right and wrong." This kind of sang-froid in the face of crushing humiliation, unusual among the growing ranks of cuckolded political wives, earned Sanford plaudits from the nation's female political commentators - "elegant and thoughtful," wrote one Washington Post columnist, echoing many.

But isn't that kind of hardball viewed as cruel and unusual when men employ it? After all, Anna Karenina didn't throw herself under an oncoming train only because her love affair with Count Vronsky was winding down. Rather, it was her furious husband's decision to deprive her of all contact with her young son that pushed her to madness and suicide. And, a century later, in a very different setting (devoid, thankfully of railroad tracks), wasn't it an actress ex-wife's habit of dangling their daughter like a puppet, according to Alec Baldwin partisans, that drove Baldwin to the point of intemperate cell-phone messages? (And, eventually, to write a book, A Promise to Ourselves, a critique of the judicial system's treatment of divorced fathers.)

All's fair, the poet said, and maybe Jenny Sanford's behavior is understandable when her self-absorbed husband, apparently having reignited a side of himself long extinguished, is behaving like a love-struck teenager. But if it's wrong for a man to use the children as a weapon in a marital struggle, it has to be wrong for a woman, too. Maybe Alec Baldwin was right.

Anne Dilenschneider: Spiritual Toolbox: "Yes" Begins by Saying "No"

2009-07-05T23:59:49Z

Over the next few weeks I am going to post excerpts from a course series I've led with my good friend Debra Satterwhite called "Spiritual Toolbox." Today's blog is Part One of "Saying 'Yes' Begins by Saying 'No.'"

I keep a quotation taped to my bathroom mirror so that I can read it every morning. It's from the great African-American preacher, Howard Thurman. Thurman said this:

Don't ask what the world needs.
Ask what makes you come alive
and do that
because what the world needs
is people
who have come alive!

These words remind me that I am not called to be available to say "Yes" to every need that comes my way. That kind of living is -- as I once heard it described -- like being a dog at a whistlers' convention, responding to everyone's whistle! Like that dog, I often feel I should say "Yes" when someone asks; there are so many good causes and good people around me in need of help every day. Besides, like most of us, I have been taught that good people always say "Yes"; good people are always available.

When I served as an intern at the Home for Women and Children on the Diné (Navajo) Reservation, my Navajo supervisor, offered me my first lesson in Diné etiquette. It was a lesson about availability.

The afternoon of that first day, we got into a pickup she had borrowed and took a long drive in silence. After about half an hour of kicking up dust and evading ruts, she turned into a family compound. Two government-issue cinder block houses, a hogan and a sheepfold marked the site. Our truck was greeted by an explosion of barking dogs. I reached for the door handle.

"Doh da."

I jumped. The abruptness of her voice startled me.

Her voice was stern. "You must not do that. If you open that door and step out of this truck, those dogs will attack you. More importantly, it is not polite. This is my friend's home. I will honk the horn. She may not be home. She may be here, but not for us. She will decide if she is home to us today. If we are interrupting something that she is doing that is important to her, she will ignore us. If that is so, we will honor her wishes and drive away. If we are welcome, she will come out and call off her dogs."

I asked whether she had phoned her friend to let her know we were coming. She looked surprised. "She doesn't have a phone. Most Diné don't."

Then she honked. I saw the white curtains in a front window move aside for an instant then quickly drop back into place. We waited. The front door opened, and a smiling woman approached our truck. The dogs gathered obediently at her heels. My supervisor opened her door and slid out of the seat. She motioned to me to do the same. Then the two Diné women began to talk in the low tones of their language.

These two friends taught me about being present to the task at hand. They taught me to consider my availability carefully, and to pause before I rushed unthinking to answer the door or the phone or to say "Yes."

What I've also discovered is that my "Yes" sometimes does not allow anyone else the opportunity to say their own "Yes." If I have said "Yes," why should anyone else volunteer? On the other hand, when I have had the courage to disappoint someone and say "No" because the request does not fit my gifts or timing, a space is opened for someone else's "Yes," for someone else who might not otherwise step forward, for someone else to live into their own gifts. "No" gets me out of the way, and lets others have an opportunity. "No" reminds me that I have to trust in the larger picture; I'm not in charge.

In the years since my time on the reservation, I have always told my staff that I would rather have a solid "No" than a mushy "Yes" when we have a task at hand. Someone who gives me a "Yes" answer, but who is less than whole-hearted about it, often won't come through because s/he is overbooked, resents the work, or wants to be the center of attention. And I quickly become wary of asking again. On the other hand, people who can say "No" are people I can approach again. This is because people who can say "No" are generally clear about their priorities, limits and gifts. Because they are clear, I know that when they do say "Yes" they are wholeheartedly able to put their energy to the task before us.

Next: Saying "Yes" Begins by Saying "No" -- How to Conduct an Inventory

Australian Aborigines Restrict Alcohol Sales To Address Crisis

2009-07-05T19:31:41Z

HALLS CREEK, Australia Since Halls Creek recently became the latest Aboriginal town in the Australian outback to restrict alcohol sales, its doctors and police officers have been getting more sleep thanks to a steep dropoff in nighttime brawls.

Mark Goulston, M.D.: DECLARE your Independence

2009-07-05T18:29:10Z

A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,
but the Declaration of Independence by any other name
would not be as, err, hmm, shall we say, "Declarative"

July 4th as a commemorization and celebration of the Declaration of Independence signed on July 4, 1776 has caused me to think of how important it is to be "declarative" in one's life.

What does "declarative" mean? It's an adjective describing someone or a communication that "declares" something. What does "declaration" mean? According to the Yahoo dictionary (whatever became of Merriam Webster?):

de·clare audio (d-klâr)
VERB: de·clared , de·clar·ing , de·clares

VERB: tr.

1. To make known formally or officially.
2. To state emphatically or authoritatively; affirm.
3. To reveal or make manifest; show.
4. To make a full statement of (dutiable goods, for example).

VERB: intr.

1. To make a declaration.
2. To proclaim one's support, choice, opinion, or resolution

IDIOM: declare war

1. To state formally the intention to carry on armed hostilities against.
2. To state one's intent to suppress or eradicate: declared war on drug dealing in the neighborhood.

Would the "Declaration of Independence" have communicated the same as: "Definition of Independence" or "Explanation of Independence" or "Description of Independence" or "Announcement of Independence?"

I don't think so.

"Definition" is helpful because it can give you an idea of what independence is and what it isn't. That alone will not get you anywhere. Think of for instance of saying: "I hereby define my independence." The response of those around you would be either: "Either that's nice, so what?" or "I beg to differ with you" and launch into a heated debate "full of sound and fury signifiying nothing."

"Explanation" would be just that, i.e. an explanation of what independence is or means. It doesn't mean that anything will come of it or that anyone will do anything with it. To me as a psychotherapist, it has the same motionless quality as the word "insight." Insight alone doesn't cause people to do anything. It's the application of and taking action upon insight that makes the difference. In contemporary parlance, many people use an explanation as an excuse, which they may not appreciate if they are the one offering it. However, if you're the one hearing them, it is patently clear that they are trying to get out of taking responsibility for something by using it.

"Description" seems even more intellectualized and "experience distant" (meaning more at arm's distance) with the chance of action being even further removed.

"Announcement" comes pretty close to the meaning of "declaration." An announcement seems to be more along the lines of "making known" publicly, but here again it appears more limited in time and doesn't carry with it the intention to do something.

What does this mean for you and me? We should be informed and thoughtful in the choices we make, but once made, we need to declare them to the people around us and the world. That may be scary because it carries with it a commitment to action, but it also carries with it a "Declaration of Independence" from our inertia and passivity.

Alan Lurie: Enter In Service

2009-07-05T18:01:56Z

This is a commencement address that I recently delivered to a graduating class of Rabbis. I hope that its call to service resonates for you.

Congratulations on your ordinations as Rabbis! You are about to enter a path that will take will take you in directions that you can not now imagine. In the words of the great 20th century theologian, Dr. Seuss,

Oh the places you'll go!
As you travel, though, you will inevitably come to forks in the road; moments when you are faced with choices, and you must decide which is the direction to follow. There are two powerful teachings about how to make this decision: One teaching encourages us to "create our own reality"; to visualize our personal goals in order to bring toward us that which we most want. The second teaching tells us to "let go and let God"; to listen for guidance and to submit our egos to Divine will.

These teachings appear to be exact opposites: The first seeks to strengthen individual will; the second to dissolve it. Yet both are true, and both are needed. We can't live only with the goal of satisfying our own needs, because this can lead to narcissism and indifference, but we also can't simply wait to hear from God, because this can lead to inaction and confusion. At times we may feel the tug toward one approach, and at different times we will be drawn to the other, so how can we decide? This is an essential question for you as Rabbis, or for anyone dedicated to living on a spiritual path; a life of meaning and purpose.

A hint to the resolution of these two teachings can be found in the writing of the Biblical Prophet Zachariah. In a mystical vision that contains direction on how to heal a world torn by violence and hatred, he heard these famous words,
Not by valor (literally "soldiering"), not by strength, but with My Spirit.
In other words, while work needs to be done, it can not be effectively accomplished by physical power or force of will alone. Zachariah is told that he must begin his mission with alignment to spirit, in order to manifest the highest that is in himself, for his own growth and for the benefit of others. He is told to enter with the intention to be of service to others.

As all spiritual traditions teach, right intention leads to right, effective action. So enter with the intention to be of service! When you begin in this way you will find that the direction for action is embedded in the connection to spirit, and you will know what to do, free of the pull of ego. You will not need to choose between your will and the Divine will, because you will see that these ultimately merge.

Whenever I am called to lead a prayer service, conduct a wedding or funeral, or speak in public, I say this short prayer:
May what I am about to say not be about me. May my words and actions be for the benefit of those who are here and are in need.
I have found that whenever I say these words with convection and sincerity, I become a receptive conduit, and somehow the right words and actions come to me. In these moments I am more effective and more fulfilled than when I seek personal recognition and gain. Paradoxically, this is both impersonal (because it's not "me", in the ego sense, speaking and acting) and yet the most personally satisfying experiences of my life. I have also found, though, that it's very easy to loose my way. The pulls of ambition, anxiety, validation, insecurity, fear, and indifference can draw me away from entering with the intention to serve. I have discovered, however, that there are several things to do, which help bring me back. The following are a few suggestions:

1. Maintain regular contact with inspirational writings
Rely on the writings of great teachers to motivate and re-energize you. These can include spiritual and motivational books, prayer books, religious texts, Holy Books, or other documents that touch your spirit and inspire you to recommit to service

2. Develop a gratitude practice
Find time to express gratitude for the people in your life and the blessing of your existence. I use the morning commute time on the train to meditate and say "thank you" for all these blessings that I all-too-regularly take for granted. Gratitude is the surest "pattern interrupt" for feelings of fear and indifference - which put us in a defensive position and lead us away from service - and brings us back to spirit.

3. Become sensitive to inner voices, and listen for direction
We all have a myriad of inner voices that call our attention: the voice of ambition, judgment, desire, fear, love... Among all these voices is one that is different. It is clear, fearless, endless, and without personal agenda. And when it speaks we immediately recognize its truth. This is the "still small voice" of the Divine that is the call of spirit. Learn to distinguish this from all the other voices, and listen for its direction and guidance.

4. Open your heart to others
Make contact with another human being at the deepest level that you can. See that at the core this person is exactly the same as you, with the same essential needs and challenges, and animated by the same flow of spirit. When this connection is made, you will naturally feel compelled to serve, knowing that healing another also heals you and furthers the growth of the world.

As Rabbis you have committed to be agents of positive change, and to embody the highest vision of human potential. The 3rd of the Ten Commandants, "Do not take God's name in vain" is not an injunction against using foul language, but tells us that we must never use spirit (God's name) for unholy purposes - to manipulate, impress, or control others in order to satisfy ego needs. Therefore, we must be careful and deliberate in deciding how to proceed. May you always remember, therefore, to enter in service. When you do, you will find that your journey will be filled with joy and purpose.

Again, congratulations on achieving the title of Rabbi - "my teacher". May God bless you with health, abundance, and peace, and may your life be a blessing.

Kari Henley: Asking for Help - The Other Side Of Volunteering

2009-07-05T16:25:24Z

I heard a wise phrase the other day: "in every moment, you are either serving or being served." The give and take, or giving and receiving, is a constant balance of life. How often to you serve others, and how often do you allow others to serve you? Is it easier for you to give than to receive?

In my last column, I asked the question of "Why Don't We Volunteer?" And issued a Dare to Care as a means to challenge all of us to get out of our routine, and lend a hand to help support President Obama's United We Serve campaign. Today, I'd like to explore the topic of volunteering from a larger perspective. The other side of volunteering is asking for help. Today, more and more Americans need help - in big ways and small, and asking...... well, is not so easy.

I stumbled across a fantastic example of this blend of giving and receiving, in William Brandon Shanley's grassroots company: Give, Get, Share. His slogan is a mathematical equation: +Give -Get = Share. His site claims,

"We're a gifts and wishes pool. We match resources with needs. We organize goods, services, people power, brainpower, and the indomitable human spirit and make them available to everyone for free. As a public service. To help people. To enhance life. To save the Earth."

This site is undergoing a retooling to make it even more user friendly. Shanley said, "Give Get Share is about values fulfillment of knowledge, inspiration, professional services or the arts. You can be a millionaire in Miami and be lonely, and ashamed of your loneliness. But to a family of five, who are needing a grandparent, it is a gift."

Currently, there are more Americans living alone than any time in history. According to the General Social Survey from Duke University, 25% of Americans have had no one to discuss important life matters with in the last six months. The idea of success being tied to self reliance is strong, and asking for help is a sign of weakness - at what cost to us all?

President Obama has declared there are "too many jobs lost," with unemployment rates climbing ever higher. When the statistic becomes a reality, the emotions of frustration, anger, shame, depression and fear preclude the ability to access resources needed to maneuver through the tidal waves. "There's nothing anyone can do," is the easy answer. Yet, maybe someone can lend a hand, pitch in, make you laugh, and ease the burden just a tiny bit - if you just ask.

Greg Cortopassi, founder of Launch Your Dreams, is a career and life coach, who offers the idea of service as a 'life skill' that has to be exercised like a muscle; and the act of contributing and receiving is something we are always doing. The better we become at serving, and allowing ourselves to be served, the greater our capacity for joy in life.

"Many people view the idea of service or contribution as something that comes from a feeling of guilt or obligation to their work, families or communities. Most people perceive that they are just not the "volunteer types," don't get involved unless they have to, and then the act of serving is half-hearted,"

he explained.

"If we hold a perspective that anyone on our path is an opportunity to serve, then it doesn't become conditional or loaded. On the flip side, if we can't receive when someone or something is trying to serve us, it also blocks the flow."

There is a balance in serving and being served. Some of us are better at one than another. Here's a simple example. If someone pays you a compliment, how often are you tempted to either discount it, or quickly offer another one back as a hot potato toss? Come on, admit it. One of those, 'You look great today,' followed by an instant: 'thanks, so do you!' Someone was making an attempt to serve, in a simple and lovely way. Why is it so hard to simply say, "Thank you," and receive?

The fear of opening our hearts to others, being vulnerable, being 'seen' is one of the culprits to the rising feelings of loneliness, isolation and disconnection in the United States. Despite the assurances the recession is slowing down, many folks on Main Street have not seen the tidal waters receding, and the riptides are moving the shoreline farther and farther out of reach. When people are flailing to stay above water, asking for help is not always on the top of their minds. People are losing their homes, downsizing, coping with job loss, holding off on college and giving up stress relieving vacations.

It is time to move aside the fabricated curtain of "everything's fine" syndrome. The other side of volunteering is allowing someone to help you, to keep you company, to care about you. This weekend, we are celebrating our nation's birthday. Every American is a star on the flag. Every stripe binds and connects us together. Our nation became the mighty power it is by individuals taking turns serving one another, and being served in turn.

As we blow out the candles on our nation's birthday cake, consider: How do you serve your country each day? Do you respect and care for the environment that surrounds us? Do you participate in civic duties? Do you support local businesses and buy American made products? It feels good to serve, so find a way to do so that seems right to you, and be conscious of your action.

How do you serve your fellow Americans? Do you know someone who is coping with cancer, lost a job, or is down and out, who could use a hug, a kind word or a referral for a job lead? Serving them in turn serves our country, and helps you forget about your own troubles for awhile.

How does our country serve you each day? Do you enjoy full access to topics from Iran to Michael Jackson without fear of retribution? Do you enjoy the free speech and citizen journalism of places like the Huff Po? Do you walk the streets freely, without seeing machine gun clad military patrols? How about walking into a grocery story with 200 different kinds of cereal to choose from? Take a moment to reflect, and just to receive. To say, "thank you" for all the goods and services that are so readily available in this nation of bounty.

How have your fellow American's served you? Have you been touched by someone or something that took you by surprise? Have you felt truly supported by your co-workers, neighbors or friends when you really needed help? Take a moment to gather in your mind the faces of the ones you love. Inwardly thank them for serving you, even if you forgot to acknowledge their actions. Every hand counts, as we come together this Independence Day holiday, and a chain is much stronger than a single link.

Happy Holidays everyone! Feel free to leave a comment below and if you would like to receive regular updates of this weekend column, click on the 'Become a Fan' button.

Gretchen Rubin: How To Forgive An Accident

2009-07-05T16:17:18Z

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to "Forgive an accident." Now, you might think, why should I try to forgive an accident? After all, if something is an accident, there's nothing to forgive. Accidents happen, we all know that.

Yes, I know that. Accidents happen. But I still find it hard not to be annoyed - and to act annoyed - in the face of certain accidents. Reminding myself of my resolution helps me to respond in the right way.

Here are just two examples:

1. When we were flying to Kansas City to spend Christmas with my parents, my daughter lost her "functional appliance." If you're not current with the latest parlance of orthodontia, this is like a fancy retainer. My daughter is supposed to wear it at all times, except when she's eating. We were on the plane, she took it out to eat, and the next time she looked for it, it was gone. We all looked, couldn't find it. We think it must've been thrown away when the stewardess took her food tray.

I was annoyed: she wouldn't be able to wear this thing again until we were back in New York and had managed to replace it; getting a new one would be expensive; it would be inconvenient.

2. Recently, my husband left his wallet in a cab. The second he reached the sidewalk, he realized he didn't have his wallet, and he raced down the street to stop the cab, but it was gone. He waited anxiously for two days before he had to admit to himself that it really wasn't coming back. Before that, however, we had to cancel our credit cards.

I was annoyed: we'd put a lot of recurrent and online charges on one of the lost cards, so that number had to replaced many times, by me.

In each situation, I could feel the accident-causer bracing against my possible annoyance, and it was very, very hard to resist the temptation to say things like, "You should've been more careful!" "Now we're going to have all this hassle to fix this!" "How could you have not noticed that you didn't know where it was?" etc. But I realized - what was the point? My daughter felt terrible, my husband felt terrible. In general, they're both very responsible (my daughter had never lost her F.A. before, and my husband had never lost a wallet before). They obviously hadn't done these things on purpose. Why make a bad situation worse?

In each case, once the moment passed, I was very glad that I reacted mildly. (I even came up with a good idea about credit cards: now we have a card that never leaves the house that we use for online charges.) When you're feeling bad about something you've done, it's awful when someone adds to that feeling - you feel defensive, resentful, and misunderstood. I didn't want to cause that.

Also, one of my Personal Commandments is to Act the way I want to feel; although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. By acting calm and forgiving, I help myself to feel calm and forgiving, instead of annoyed.

The resolution would be more accurately phrased as "Let go of an accident" or "Forget an accident" but somehow I need the little extra kick supplied by the word "forgive."

How about you? Have you ever felt tempted to react harshly to something someone did, even though it was an accident?

* I loved this little video on Gimundo -- especially because I've been thinking a lot lately about how to use photographs to keep happiness-project resolutions like "Take time for projects" and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." The Black Lake Island project and Taking tourist photos of my own romance, for example, both use photographs.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month's posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you'd like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format - trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. It's free.

Anne Hill: How to Start a Dream Group

2009-07-04T22:21:08Z

Some friends and I started a dream group on a lark one summer. 16 years later, we are still meeting every week to discuss our dreams. Somewhere along the way we stopped thinking of dreams as our mind's idle chatter, and began to be deeply affected by what we found in these nighttime visions.

None of us were experts. We had read one book about starting dream groups, Jeremy Taylor's excellent Where People Fly and Water Runs Uphill. Some of us had knowledge of myths and symbols, a couple of us had a strong spiritual orientation, none of us knew much about psychology. What we did in the beginning could be described as hunt-and-peck dreamwork: every so often we had an insight into a dream, but mostly it took a very long time to find any meaning at all in our dreams.

Then an amazing thing happened. Those rare moments of illumination began affecting us so deeply that they changed our life paths. One of us had dreams which spurred her to become a teacher. Another started taking herself seriously as an artist. My dreams guided me to become a dream consultant. Dreams have helped us write novels, deal with family crises, find jobs, make decisions about where to move, avert health emergencies, and much more. After 16 years we all know a great deal about dreams now, and find it hard to imagine life without our precious weekly meetings.

Starting a dream group is quite simple and requires no formal training. By following a few simple guidelines, you and 3-4 friends can start your own group and begin to reap some of the benefits of regular dream sharing.

1) Dream groups vary widely in structure and schedule. Once you have a core group of people, decide how often you want to meet. Some groups meet every week for around 2 hours, while others meet once a month for a longer session. With more time you can work on more dreams, but shorter, more frequent meetings give the group a consistency that deepens your work.

2) Decide whether you want to hire someone experienced to lead the group, or go it alone. Many groups pay a dream consultant to sit in with the group once a year and contribute ideas, suggestions, and different points of view. This can provided a much-needed boost of inspiration.

3) Invest in a couple dream books or symbol dictionaries. I have some favorites, but the key is to find what works for you, and not to rely on just one resource.

4) Give your new group a limited lifespan. With just 2-3 months of meetings, you will know whether the group is a good mix of personalities and styles. If conflicts come up, instead of taking all the group's time to address the issues you can simply let the term expire and the group dissolve. Then try again with a new, modified group and see if it is successful. Once you have found the right chemistry, take a chance and make it an ongoing group!

5) Go for open-minded, rather than like-minded, people. Diversity of opinion and belief is beneficial in dreamwork, as it is often the outlying perspective that produces the greatest "aha" moments in a dream. However, make sure that there is mutual respect for opposing viewpoints. Dreams always bring up our shadow prejudices, and with the support of an open-minded group, we can all make great strides in transforming these limiting viewpoints.

6) Have fun. When in doubt, focus on the beauty of a dream. Remember the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, and before saying anything about another person's dream ask yourself, "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?" The compassion and awareness we cultivate through working on other people's dreams will come back to us many times over as we consider our own dreams. In the end, that is the real treasure of this simple, yet infinitely complex and rewarding practice.

Wisdom From Around The World On Healthy Eating

2009-07-04T20:17:02Z

There is a universal wisdom to healthy eating. Pile on the fruits, vegetables and whole grains and skip the meat and saturated fat. Consume everything in moderation, especially alcohol.

But certain cultures around the world offer further insight with traditional diets that are not just healthy, they also protect our bodies against scourges like cancer, depression, diabetes and heart disease. Researchers believe that following such diets can lead to excellent health; making the transition, however, requires more than just adopting an Americanized version of another culture's traditional diet.

Wyatt Closs: Workonomics 101: No Mickey Mousing Around

2009-07-04T16:11:38Z

Lets look at something really Goofy about work and summer vacations.

They say the average household income is $48,000 so, IF as a paid vacation, its worth about $131/day. Stay at home, make that amount. But want to go somewhere? Or don't have paid vacation by your employer?

The average cost for hotel/car package and tickets to Disney World in the summer is $200 plus $328 = $528/day for a family of four. And thats with discount packages.

Therefore, they lose $400/day on vacation or it takes 4 paid vacation days to pay for 1 day at Disney World.

And this was before somebody coined the phrase "staycation". For regular working folks, thats been the case for a while. Best to get a Disney DVD, a Mulan doll and some Mickey Mouse ears from the mall Disney Store and call it a day. Or trick the kids into becoming Disney "Imagineers" (thats what they call them) by asking them to close their eyes and imagine being there.

And by the way, Disney cast members can't really afford it either. The average salary for a Disney cast member is $15,000. You do the math on that one.

Got more Workonomics stats about vacations or Disney or summer? Hit me.

sources: disney.go.com; expedia; us census bureau; simplyhired.com

Pavel Somov, Ph.D.: Independence/Dependence Lessons from a Sea Squirt

2009-07-04T13:40:05Z

A (hopefully) intriguing tale about status quo (inspired by a passage from Stuart Brown's book "Play"):

"The sea squirt is an ugly creature. In its adult form it has a tubular shape that resembles a sponge or worm, and in its larval form it looks like a tadpole. Still, the sea squirt is one of our most ancient relatives. Its primitive nervous system makes it more closely related to humans than the sponges and corals it resembles. Scientists say a sea squirt tadpole approximates what an early human ancestor - the very first chordate - may have looked like some 550 million years ago. In this larval form, it has a primitive spinal cord and bundle of ganglia that act as a functional brain. This tiny brain helps it move selectively toward nutrients and away from harm. Like most oceanic creatures, juvenile sea squirts spend their time growing and exploring the sea. Once the sea squirt grows to adulthood, it attaches itself permanently to a rock or a boat's hull or pilings. It no longer needs to monitor the world as it did as a juvenile because the passing current provides enough nutrients for it to survive. Its life becomes purely passive. The adult sea squirt becomes the couch potato of the sea. In a surprisingly macabre twist, the sea squirt digests its own brain. Without a need to explore or find its sustenance, the creature devours its own cerebral ganglia." (pp. 47-48, 2009).

Is mindlessness psychological atrophy or a marvel of adaptation? Is status quo an existential suicide or a state of contentment? Is your hard-earned circumstance of comfort a form of independence or dependence?

Pavel Somov, Ph.D., author of Eating the Moment, www.eatingthemoment.com

Tara Stiles: How Independent are You? Take the July 4th Quiz.

2009-07-04T13:38:07Z

A long weekend, parties, crazy hats, fireworks, and fun are all going to be enjoyed this July 4th weekend. America has come a long way and been through a ton since she declared her independence in 1776 (by the way I love that our nation is a she), but how independent are we as individuals today? We may have moved out of our parents' house, but do we really take the time to reflect on the balance of dependence and freedom in our own selves? It's a useful practice that can give us a lot of perspective on what might be holding us back or propelling us forward. We are the only ones who can understand how and why we are the way we are. It's up to us to put in the work.

Using our bodies to enter the tunnels of the mind is a useful practice. When we move with our breath in our bodies and turn on the focus and awareness of our minds, our thoughts have the opportunity to calm and our intuitions have a chance to surface. In yoga we have bound poses to show us how to be in our bodies when we have limited room. To stay in a bind we need to have alignment, focus, strength and balance all in order. And then we need to tell our minds that it is ok for us to be in a difficult position. Everything is temporary and eventually the pose will come to an end. When we decide to stay in the bind our bodies build strength and it becomes easier each time we try. When we release the bind we feel even more freedom in our bodies and minds than before we entered the bind. Bound poses teach us there is always something to work on, room to explore. We can move with grace and ease of mind, whatever the pose.

Life is the same. That's the whole point. When we experience a circumstance or element of our life that is in a bind we can bring the same qualities of alignment, focus, strength and balance to stabilize ourselves during the challenging time. When we can exist in a tough situation with a calm, steady mind, we find room to expand and new freedoms emerge. We learn to move with grace, tolerance and ease in our bodies and minds through both challenging and rewarding circumstances alike. A child is dependant on their circumstances for happiness. As adults, we gain the potential for independence. We can use our minds to steady us in not-so-comfortable times. This wards off temper tantrums, and builds strength and character.

If you practice yoga, you've probably experienced being in a challenging bound pose and found that when you stay in it calmly with the right amount of tension, the body starts to soften and actually open up. You might have had a moment where you found an inch or what feels like a mile of extra room in your spine, shoulders or hips, all from staying in the pose calmly. The body and mind can open up. We are the only ones holding us back from freedom.

Our circumstances aren't what determine our freedom. What is going on inside us does. When we are free from the traps of destructive thoughts, insecurities, and fears, we are independent. Boundaries and limitations on who we are or what we can achieve fade.

Take the Quiz: How Independent are You?

1. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning?

a. What a beautiful day, ready to see what it brings.
b. Another day, still here.
c. What do I need to get done before I can relax?

2. How do you feel about your career?

a. I'm doing what I love and would keep doing it no matter what the return
b. I've got a plan, hopefully it will work out
c. What career? I can't catch a break.

3. How stressed are you about money?

a. I use my head about my finances but don't get too wrapped up.
b. Too little, too much, it's an occasional stress.
c. Money is everything, it makes the world go round.

4. What do you do to maintain your health?

a. Yoga classes and meditation of course!
b. I exercise occasionally. I know it's good for me.
c. Exercise is for in-shape and vain people. I'm not one of them.

5. How do you feel about yourself?

a. I love me. I love you. Same thing. Let's hug it out.
b. I'm ok I guess. I'm a work in progress.
c. Not very good. Am I supposed to like myself?

Mostly A's. Freedom Warrior! You get it. The body and the mind are the same thing. You treat yourself well and feel good in your skin. You know you can be the best version of yourself when you live healthy and feel good.

Mostly B's. Freedom Fighter! You want to get it. Get to a yoga class, find a friend to teach you to meditate, or go hug someone. You're hungry for the goods. Sometimes we all need someone to break us through to the other side.

Mostly C's. Slave to your own crap! Snap out of it. Yes, life is hard. Hate to break it to you but it's hard for most people and you're probably standing in your own way quite a bit. Phone a bunch of friends and get them to mob you with hugs and tell you "it's not your fault." You will probably cry but it will be ok and then you can get on the good foot.

Julia Moulden: Christopher Plummer, Mum, And Me

2009-07-04T13:19:06Z

"Christopher is doing King Lear at Stratford, and I'd like us to go." That's how Mum put it when she canvassed her children for our interest in joining her.

This was no ordinary query. If not quite Lear's test of his daughter's love, it was certainly much more than an evening at the theatre. Christopher Plummer had been a persistent ghost in our home. In the early 1950s, my parents were part of a circle of artists and journalists with the CBC at its hub. Christopher was the baby of the group, but always played a starring role in Mum and Dad's stories about parties with lots of drink and passionate singing around the piano. Of course we would go to Stratford.

"Can you write a speech for us? We're giving Christopher Plummer an honorary doctorate." That's how my client put it when he e-mailed me later the same week.

"Love to." I was deep into writing the president's remarks when Mum called to say she'd sent a note to Christopher, with the date we'd be in the audience.

"I told him to listen carefully to the convocation speech, because my daughter wrote it," she said.

"No pressure, Mum!"

"That's what mothers do, dear."

The big day finally arrived and, like Lear, we faced a dramatic storm. Driving rain delayed us, and we missed the curtain. As we stood watching the opening acts on the lobby monitor, I asked Mum if we were going backstage. "You know, I never heard from him."

At a break in the performance, we were ushered to our seats on tiptoe. And then, there he was -- older, but still an impressive figure at centre stage. He quickly had us leaning forward in our seats, eager for every word and gesture.

At intermission, I went looking for the house manager, explained the history, and asked if we might go backstage. He promised to contact the stage manager, who would inquire with "Mr. Plummer." I checked back just as the house lights signalled the performance would soon resume. "Meet him at the stage door," was all he could offer.

"Well," my mother said icily when I returned. "I think not." Fair enough.

We settled into our seats and got lost again in the tragic story of a man whose family breaks apart, who fears the loss of control that can come with age, and who longs to know he is still loved. The actors won our hearts. After a standing ovation, Christopher walked off stage with arms outstretched, capturing the energy of our applause in his own elegant hands. I leaned over and said to Mum, "Oh, let's do it!"

Hoping that the sight of my seventy-something mother, her eye blackened by a recent fall, would move the stage manager -- perhaps by bringing the blinding of Gloucester to mind? -- I made one more attempt. He stood his ground, but offered gently, "There's a waiting area. You won't be standing in the rain."

Mum and I descended the stairs outside the lobby, crossed the loading ramp, and joined a small, excited group. A wave of departing actors greeted us with unaffected faces and warm appreciation for our murmured bravos. Calling out "Good night!" to one another, they seemed less like celebrities than a group of bus drivers just off shift, out of uniform, and eager to get home.

We stood quietly for a moment, close to the stage door. People trickled by. Then, an old man in a sweater and a fleece scarf was nearly past us when I recognized him. "Christopher Plummer, I'm Julia Moulden, and this is my mother, Dollie." "Oh, yes, the note," he replied.

And then my mother and this man from her past stood as closely together as they might have 50 years ago, talking quietly. Too soon, a gangly young man with an autograph book in his hand pressed forward. "Mr. Plummer, I saw your performance this evening." And the moment was over.

Outside, I asked, "What did he say?" Mum said that his first words were the very gracious, "Remind me," and that they'd simply reminisced about old friends, some of whom -- including my father -- were no longer living. Then, we hugged. She cried a little, and thanked me for being so persistent. "I don't like the word 'closure,' but I guess that's what this is."

Holding her in the shadows of the Festival Theatre, as the rain fell softly all around us, she was no longer my mother. She was the pretty young woman who moved to the city to follow her dreams. Who met an exciting group of smart and talented people. Who married one of them, and started a family. In that instant, as I watched her look back on her life and take its measure, I felt I knew her for the first time.

And then, she was all Mum once more. "We'd better rejoin the others, dear. Watch yourself on the stairs, they're slippery."

*****
Please share your thoughts and experiences by commenting below, or by emailing me at julia@wearethenewradicals.com.

*****
Curious about Julia? She gives speeches [http://www.speakers.ca/moulden_julia.aspx ]. Writes them [http://www.juliamoulden.com]. And her latest book is We Are The New Radicals: A Manifesto for Reinventing Yourself and Saving the World (McGraw-Hill, New York). [http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=julia+moulden&x=0&y=0] For more about the New Radicals, please see archived articles [ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/julia-moulden/].

Anne Naylor: 12 Ways To Build Your Inner Strength

2009-07-04T13:02:56Z

"Be your own awakener to the beauty and power that are alive in you right now."
John-Roger

At these times of unprecedented change and challenge, many are taking the opportunity to reevaluate their lives. Is the work you are doing truly serving you? Are your priorities where you want them to be? Would you like to be spending more time with your family? Is your life as meaningful as you would like? Are you aware of your personal value?

Personal value - what is that? I am glad you asked. Not the same as "values" which have more to do with how you relate with the world around you.

If you were to ask yourself: what does positive attitude or positive state of mind mean to me? you will come up with your personal philosophy. Being open and honest; communicating with integrity; giving a percentage of your income to charity - all come under personal values.

Personal value is the term I use for inner strength, your innate essence or the human spirit that sustains you throughout your life. Personal value has more to do with who you are, than how you act or behave. Building your inner strength will assist you to succeed in a job interview; to achieve your goals and objectives; to make a positive contribution within your family and community; to be inspired, creative and resourceful.

You recognize personal value in one who has a radiant quality of love; a powerful, peaceful presence that relaxes and reassures. A couple who exchange their wedding vows of loving commitment shine with the spirit of who they are. Those who have been in the presence of HH the Dalai Lama speak of the powerful quality he radiates. You can feel it.

"You don't need a reason to be radiant."
Davide de Angelis

To build your inner strength, try some of the following:

1. Take time to look within
Start to meditate , learn yoga, spend time in nature and reflect. Just sit, do nothing and observe as you breathe deeply and slowly. Get in touch with your inner nature, the beauty and essence that you are.

2. Affirm your qualities
What qualities make you unique? Enthusiasm, sense of humour, joy, persistence, courage, ability to connect with others? Affirm those in the present tense with "I am" statements. Choose 3 affirmations and repeat them, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. For example:

I am generous with my family and friends
I am caring and considerate
I am thoughtful and loving

3. Make agreements you know you can keep
Be on time. You will show yourself to be a reliable person. Renegotiate agreements you cannot keep - make fewer of them. You will know yourself as being trustworthy.

4. Learn to say "No"
Do not over-commit yourself. Refusing a request is not against anyone else. You are being honest with, and true to, yourself.

5. Accept, appreciate and love yourself through difficulties
When your life is in turmoil, you may not do things "perfectly". Give yourself permission to learn. Ask: What can this situation teach me? Remember that at all times, you are doing the best you can. When you know better, you do better.

6. Be forgiving
When you make a mistake, be tender, kind and compassionate. Do not punish, criticize and condemn yourself. Love and comfort yourself, as you would a precious child.

7. Prize yourself
Celebrate your "wins", the things that go well, and the good that you do. At the end of the day, notice the goodness of your intention and your actions.

8. Do what gives you happiness
Be happy with what you do. Choosing to be happy is a great spiritual discipline. When you are walking, smile to yourself. You will find things to smile about.

9. Focus on the positive
Even in the midst of disaster, look for the blessings and opportunity present. With a positive attitude, you can literally turn your life around.

10. Relax and be patient
While you may not be able to do anything about the global economy as a whole, you can make the most of each day and take steps to build a future you would like. This is not a passive, hopeless enduring, but an active, participative anticipation of a better life for yourself and those you care for.

11. Be open for the best
You never know what good is right around the next corner. Keep an open and receptive mind. Do not be tempted to believe all you hear on the news. The creative spirit in you, and in our human community, is a very wonderful and extraordinary resource.

12. Say thank you to life...
.... and for your life. Be grateful. If you feel down, look around you and be grateful for all that you have, right now. The attitude of gratitude will take you through life's worst storms and lead you toward greater joy, serenity and fulfilment.

"What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality."
Plutarch

Believe in the beauty of who you are. Salute your human spirit. Dare to shine!

How have you built strength in your life so far? How are you using these times to good effect? How will you celebrate your inner strength this 4th July?

I welcome your comments and thoughts, either below here or by email: clearresults@mac.com.

Look out for my blogs every Saturday. Check Become a Fan at the top.

Bella DePaulo: TIME's Misleading Cover Story on Marriage

2009-07-04T12:24:29Z

There's a lot not to like in the cover story for Time written by the smugly-married Caitlin Flanagan. There is, for example, the predictable singlism (Mark Sanford's soulmate is not just a single woman but an "emotionally needy single woman," because really, what other kind could there be), the obliviousness to any moral compass other than Flanagan's own (if parents are unmarried, it is because they "simply can't be bothered to marry each other"), and more. For this post, though, I will focus on the statement that is, by scientific standards, the most egregious and indefensible:

On every single significant outcome related to short-term well-being and long-term success, children from intact, two-parent families outperform those from single-parent households... if you can measure it, a sociologist has; and in all cases, the kids living with both parents drastically outperform the others." (emphasis mine)

Actually, they don't.

I will draw from the most impressive studies I can find (typically, those based on large, nationally representative samples) to show that:

• Sometimes children from single-parent homes do just as well, or even better, than children from two-parent families.

• Sometimes they do worse, but not "drastically" so, as Flanagan misleadingly suggests.

• When children living with one divorced parent do worse than those from two-parent homes, sometimes they were already having problems long before their parents divorced.

• Factors such as the quality of a parent's relationship with the child and the stability in a child's life can be more powerful than the number of parents in the household.

• The simple-minded "just get (re)married" advice can be misguided.

I. Here are a few examples, from large nationally representative samples, in which children from 2-parent households hardly differed at all from the others.

• In a large, nationally representative sample of two-parent biological households, adoptive households, stepmother, stepfather, and single (divorced) mother households, there were no significant differences across the different households in the children's grades, or in the children's relationships with their siblings or their friends. What mattered to the children was whether the parents were constantly arguing with them or with each other. The authors concluded: "Our findings suggest that adoption, divorce, and remarriage are not necessarily associated with the host of adjustment problems that have at times been reported in the clinical literature...It is not enough to know that an individual lives within a particular family structure without also knowing what takes place in that structure."

• What about sex? Are adolescents who are not being raised in two-parent households having earlier and more wanton sex? [Continue reading here at the Living Single post at Psychology Today.]