The Blog

Meredith Bodgas: 6 Things Not To Say To Women Who Keep Their Maiden Names

2012-02-23T18:41:10Z

This article originally appeared on MeritalBliss.com

Unlike most married ladies, especially the ones where I come from (Staten Island, NY), I didn't change my last name when I married my husband Paul. And just as being childhood sweethearts and an interfaith couple has caused confusion among traditionalists -- and even forward-thinking folks who don't realize their comments and questions can offend -- so has this. Learn from those people's mistakes and never utter these words to women still proudly sporting their maiden names.

But then you won't be connected to your children.
Anything that lives inside me for nine months, whether or not we share a last name, is pretty damn connected to me for life. This also presumes that my children will have only Paul's last name, which might not even be the case.

Then you won't be a united family.
Paul and I have this crazy plan to live in the same home as each other and our kids. We'll eat dinner together, go on vacation together, and help each other when we need it. I have plenty of friends who share a last name with their fathers, men they resent for leaving their families. I have a feeling we'll be more united than them.

That'll be confusing for your kids.
Mommies and Daddies have lots of differences. Paul grows hair on his face; I do not (usually). I have boobs (sort of); Paul does not (not yet at least). Paul's name is Paul, and my name is Meredith. So I think our children will be able to process that Paul's and my last names differ too.

See more: The Best Before-a-Baby Advice I Never Got

That's disrespectful to your husband.
So is it disrespectful that he's not taking my last name? Why isn't it disrespectful to my father if I change it? This logic is poop.

A girlfriend who wouldn't take my last name would be a deal-breaker for me.
A friend of a friend said this to me. I thought when you're truly, completely in love with someone, her name shouldn't be the reason you don't propose marriage.

Oh, you're such a career woman.
Sad, but true, this was also said to me. I'm as much a career woman as Paul is a career man, except nobody would ever call him a career man for having a job he enjoys. And while my byline, the name that's associated with every article I've ever written for magazines and websites, is partly why I kept the name Meredith Bodgas, it's not even a big part. The fact is at last count, there were fewer than a dozen people with the last name Bodgas on this planet (maybe there are more on Mars). And because so many of the people with that last name were slaughtered in the Holocaust, I'm hoping to help this name survive as long as I can, which is ironic because I have a notebook from seventh grade filled with scrawls of my first name with Paul's last name. Then again, that was before I became a "career woman."

Bottom line: Everyone has their own reasons for changing or keeping their original surnames, and to judge them for or make assumptions about a choice that has no bearing on your day-to-day is pretty pointless.

What's the most obnoxious remark you've heard someone make about a married woman who didn't change her last name? Why did you keep or change your last name?

Follow Meredith on Twitter @mereditor.

Danielle Elder: How Much Should You Tip Your Vendors?

2012-02-23T14:52:44Z

The other night I was in a meeting room sitting across from clients of mine, a truly lovely couple who are to be married at a beautiful historical venue in a few weeks' time. About to have our final walk-through of the wedding day, we sat with the caterer (no seafood, as per the bride, due to an allergy), the florist (with whom we painstakingly deliberated over textured votive candles), the venue manager and the photographer, and before I knew, it we were almost done finalizing the details of this sure-to-be-amazing event.

The meeting had gone exactly as any wedding planner would hope. We discussed all arrival times, details of welcoming their guests, ceremony music cues, processional, recessional, cocktails, dinner, toasts, dancing and so on. Everything seemed in place and all questions were answered.

The group started to break up and we said our goodbyes. My bride was happy with our progress and thanked me. I gave my clients a final embrace and as we grabbed our coats to walk out the door, the groom turned to me -- slightly panicked -- and said, "What about the tips, Danielle?"

Good question.

And one I get often.

With all the details, many seem to overlook the important task (and etiquette) of tipping.

Here's my no-fail, go-to guide on making those who put your wedding together as happy as the bride and groom on the Big Day.

Golden Rule: Plan your tips as you go through your wedding timeline. This will ensure you won't forget anyone!

HAIR AND MAKEUP:
Typically they are the first vendors to show up and they transform you from beautiful to stunning. TIP: 10%-20% of their fee.

TRANSPORTATION
They do more than open the door for you. TIP: Each driver should get 10%-20% of their fee.

HOUSE OF WORSHIP or OFFICIANT
Many houses of worship ask for a small donation in advance, so you may have that already squared away, but if not, $100 is the suggested tip for the man or woman who pronounces you Husband and Wife.

VENUE MANAGER
They oversee everything at your venue. TIP: $100-$200.

CEREMONY MUSICIANS
Show some applause! TIP: $25-50 per musician.

BAND MUSICIANS
Same here. The bandleader should get a tip anywhere from $150-$200 and then a suggested tip of $25-50 for each musician.

DJ
Hired a DJ instead to keep your guests moving all night long? TIP: 15%-20% of their fee.

WAITSTAFF
Most likely you are paying a service charge for the waiters to serve your guests that night (take a peek at your contract), but a little extra is always appreciated. This is the same as if you were sitting at your favorite restaurant. TIP: 15%-20% for the team to divide among themselves.

Same goes for the BARTENDERS who keep the good times rolling. And they will! Suggested TIP for them: $200-$300 each.

CHEF
The chef is responsible for everything that your guests see and eat. If it is beyond what you expected, a tip is a good idea. Anything from $150-$250.

MAITRE D/CAPTAIN/CATERING MANAGER
This person handles all the operations of the venue. TIP: 1%-2% of your total bill.

ANY ASSISTANT
Has the DJ brought an assistant? Has the photographer or videographer brought an assistant? Chances are they have and they don't go home with the same pay for the night that your contracted vendor does. You should throw them a little something. TIP $75-$100

And, of course, if you'd like, there are a few more behind-the-scenes hands...

BATHROOM ATTENDANT
He or she smiles, maybe hands a towel to guests and makes them feel a little bit more special for the night. TIP: $1 per guest.

COAT CHECK and VALET PARKING
No one wants to wait for their coat or their car when they are ready to go home! TIP: $1-$2 per guest for coat check, TIP: $2-$5 per guest for the valet.

That's it!

Remember these folks helped you with the biggest and best party you will ever throw. Show them you appreciate it!

Anne Naylor: How To Have An Atheist Wedding Ceremony

2012-02-23T14:26:10Z

Does the word "atheist" sound cold to you? If you enjoy the comfort, reassurance and community that comes with a religion or spiritual practice, you might find the idea of an atheist ceremony a bit sad and non-celebratory.

The British Humanist Association defines atheist this way:

"Atheist includes those who reject a belief in the existence of God or gods and those who simply choose to live without God or gods. Along with this will usually go disbelief in the soul, an afterlife, and all other religious beliefs."

What does it take for your wedding to be meaningful and memorable? How can your ceremony be a special occasion that you will remember all of your lives and that sets the foundation for a long and happy marriage? Is a spiritual or religious context the only valid way to celebrate your union?

As a celebrant in the South of France, I often conduct ceremonies for couples, coming from many different countries, who are of mixed faith or mixed culture. They are rarely traditional and may include a religious element, or none at all. Are these weddings less meaningful?

Where there is an absence of formal doctrine, the couple has to think for themselves more than they might otherwise do. In this way, an "atheist" wedding may be more to the point and memorable because they have to invest more of themselves in preparing for it. The absence of a formal process and traditional wording can leave space for a more spontaneous and heartfelt expression of love.

Wedding planner Lucy Till offers these words of advice:

"Be sure to include music, readings and poems. Without these, the ceremony is very short and I feel does not give enough gravitas to the occasion. Your guests have all arrived, everyone has been busy getting ready, photos have been taken, etc. It is a time for everyone, the bride and groom, but also your families and friends to reflect on your commitment to each other. In a religious ceremony there is plenty of time for this with the hymns, the prayers, the readings and the sermon. It is important to allow time for this reflection in an atheist ceremony."

I prefer to view an "atheist ceremony" as a "celebration of love." The experience of love transcends all the boundaries and differences, beliefs and conditions, and touches all who join the couple in their celebrations.

Many years ago, I conducted a wedding for a groom whose Muslim family was originally Palestinian, now living in another part of the Middle East, and a bride whose family was English Protestant. The ceremony text had to be spiritually "neutral," favoring neither faith. It was a very lively and exuberant occasion. Applause came from the Palestinians at the end of each section. After the exchange of vows, the Palestinian parents rushed over to the bride's mother to embrace her warmly.

How can you create a Celebration of Love that will heighten the experience of your wedding day, strengthen the bond between you and your special loved one, be touching and awaken more love in you and your guests? These seven keys may serve to create the wedding of your dreams.

1. Your values. What are the values you share with your loved one? What criteria are most important for you both to be happy and fulfilled in your lives together? These details contribute to the success of your ongoing partnership. Your values, close to your hearts, can be woven into your ceremony text.

2. Vision or aspirations for your marriage. Each person is different. So each couple is unique. It is up to you to decide how you envisage your marriage as being rich and rewarding. The readings you choose as part of your ceremony, for example, can reflect the aspirations you hold.

3. Intention for the wedding. If your wedding ceremony could be the most exceptional and enjoyable experience for you and your guests, what would that be like? How will you and everyone feel? What is the ambience you would like to create? What style will characterize your event? When you take a little time in advance to reflect on these questions, there is a good chance that what you envisage will come about, as it usually does for the couples whose weddings I officiate.

4. Declarations of love. Expressed at an early part of your ceremony, they open the way for a greater feeling and sense of connection between you and the loved ones who are there as your guests. Lighthearted and even humourous, your declarations can demonstrate the ease you have with each other and enable your guests to appreciate more why you are choosing to take this step of marriage.

Writing declarations of love can start with answering the question: What is it that you most love in your loved one? Anecdotes and insights from your times together can bring joy and laughter to the occasion. Often the Declarations are kept a secret until the day, so that the bride and groom, as well as your guests, can enjoy the surprise.

5. Vows, commitments, pledges and promises. This is a serious moment in your ceremony. Not serious in the way of being heavy and leaden, but real and meaningful for you.

You need to consider the times when life gets stressful -- moving home, changing jobs, job loss, death of a closed loved one, starting a family, for example. What are the strengths and qualities you will need to express at those testing times? Tolerance, forgiveness, sense of humor, patience, for example. Your choice of vows can assist you at those moments to remember how to deepen and expand your love, and not damage your partnership.

6. Your witnesses. Your wedding is much more than bringing the two of you together to a new level of your partnership. You are bringing two sets of families and friends into a new community, some of whom may never have met before. They are really important and need to feel valued, included as part of the occasion.

There is nothing like love to accomplish this outcome! Love brings us together. Love lets us be who we truly are. Love loosens our fears and doubts about being rejected or separate from others. Love gives us the courage to reach out to each other, share and appreciate the moment of celebration. Love allows us to let our hair down, relax and be natural. Love connects.

7. Treasure your uniqueness. In planning and preparing your ceremony, take some time to reflect on those qualities and strengths that you see in each other that maybe others do not appreciate. Give yourselves permission to shine and radiate the love that you are to each other. Doing so will allow your witnesses to catch that spirit and to see themselves in a new light. Know that the remarkable human essence that you are is a gift and more available to inspire others on your special day.

Far from cold or sad, an atheist ceremony as a Celebration of Love can truly be a service that serves all who come to it.

Pam Sweeney: Customizing Your Wedding Jewelry

2012-02-22T20:07:05Z

Last year I had the pleasure of designing a custom wedding necklace for Helen Ward, who was set to marry Wally Obermeyer, the son of skiing legend Klaus Obermeyer. The wedding was taking place in Aspen, which is not normally a formal place, it's more super style edgy, but if there was any example of "Aspen Chic," this wedding was it. Helen had been an Aspen local for years and was set to marry Wally in an intimate ceremony in front of a roaring fire followed by a bash with over 400 guests. It was the Aspen wedding of the year!

Helen had received one of my leather pearl choker necklaces as a present, and she knew she wanted to wear something on her wedding day that was really sexy and edgy, not traditional. This was not her first wedding, so she was willing to be a little more playful with her attire. Together, Helen and I designed a 100-inch-long strand of pearls. Since her dress was grey, we did grey pearls to match. In the front the necklace looked like a choker, but when she turned around, there were pearls cascading down her back, which acted as a visual veil since she did not want to wear a traditional one. After the wedding, Helen had me take the necklace apart and use the pieces to make individual necklaces for all of her girlfriends who had helped to put on the wedding. It was a way for her to say thank you in a unique way, which I thought was such a cool idea.

What should you think about when designing a custom piece? Here's my best advice:

Style. Are you wearing something old that you want to match it to or is this an entirely new piece? Are you just thinking about designing a necklace or are you going to want to do a whole set (necklace, earrings, bracelet, etc.)? Start collecting pictures of styles and designs similar to what you are thinking of or feel free to draw a sketch. It's okay if you aren't an artist. The more designing you do before meeting with the craftsman, the easier the process will be and the more likely the end result will be what you wanted.

Think about the future. Twenty years from now, will you still wear it? You want to design a piece that you will want to wear again and again, so you want it to look good forever. Stick to a classic design, but don't throw out all your personality.

Look at the whole picture. What colors will go best with your dress, skin tone, hairstyle, etc.? You might like a gold pearl, but you may look better in silver. If your dress is simple, then you have some freedom to go big with the jewelry, but you don't want to overkill. Also, don't forget that you will want to feel comfortable all night. So as great as a choker may look with your dress, if you know you'll fidget with it, go for something a little longer.

Take a step back. As women, we tend to stare at jewelry really up close, but then we can't see the big-picture stuff. Instead, look at your jewelry from far away. Take it all in and make sure it completes the picture instead of distorting it.

Don't get overwhelmed with all the choices. Pick one thing that you love (flowers that you will be holding, a bracelet, theme colors, your shoes, etc.) and design everything around this. If you love red roses, maybe you want everything else you are wearing including your jewelry to be very white. Maybe you want to wear ruby earrings to tie everything together in a very subtle way.

There are no rules ... it's your wedding. Let your personality show and stay true to what is really you.

Remember, everyone loves you at this party!

Photos by Nora Feller and Barbara Vaughn Photography

Crystal Bell: 'Glee' Recap: Rachel's Wedding Leads To Shock Ending

2012-02-22T03:38:01Z

Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 3, Episode 14 of Fox's "Glee," entitled "On My Way."

For an episode that was supposed to be all about Regionals, "Glee" flipped a switch on its audience and, instead, turned out an episode that I don't think anyone saw coming.

Suicide attempt? Check. A potentially fatal car accident? Check. Regionals win? Who cares!

"On My Way" managed to fit several important story lines into about 42 minutes, and while I wish they would have trimmed some of the Regionals fat (I mean, does anyone really care about Regionals anymore?), I'm happy that Dave Karofsky was brought back from oblivion, bringing to light one of the more tragic realities that gay teenagers face.

In a cruel sense of poetic justice, the tormenter became the tormented as Dave Karofsky had to deal with the outcome of being seen with Kurt at Breadstix. He was bullied, emotionally and physically. His mother even told him that he could be "cured" from his "disease."

Karofsky decided that the only way to escape his pain would be to commit suicide. It's an emotionally heavy scene, and I have to applaud Max Adler for doing such an amazing job.

I was reading some of the early comments on Twitter, and I was shocked by how many people called this scene "unrealistic." They think that because he was only bullied once, it's unrealistic for him to try and kill himself.

Are you kidding me? It only takes one hurtful act to change the way people feel about themselves, and whether he was bullied for one day or one hundred days, that's not the point. The point is that he felt so alone, so hurt and so awful that he tried to kill himself -- and that is never okay.

While I applaud "Glee" for using Karofsky's story line to drive home this message, I do think that it should have had more screen time. "On My Way" felt more like a PSA. It plugged everything from The Trevor Project to Lady Gaga's Born This Way Foundation.

Honestly, I would have preferred if Karofsky's story line would have been the focus of the entire episode. Why did we have to spend 10 minutes watching everyone sing at Regionals? Why were Regionals even necessary? So that we could see how Sebastian changed his devious ways in light of Karofsky's tragedy? Or so we could see New Directions take home eternal show choir glory? To me, it all felt so unnecessary.

There was a heaviness throughout the entire episode. At one point, I truly thought that Karofsky was going to try and kill himself again, only to succeed in the end. The scene between him and Kurt was almost too perfect.

Thankfully, Kurt is the only character who didn't get caught up in Regionals hoopla. He was the only one that managed to place the importance of Karofsky's suicide attempt above winning Regionals.

The best scene in the entire episode is when Kurt visits Karofsky in the hospital. "I'm really happy that you're alive, David," says Kurt. "Yeah, me too," replies Karofsky. Dave Karofsky truly looks helpless, and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

It's also a powerful image, seeing Kurt support his former tormenter. There's a reason that Kurt has always been my favorite "Glee" character, and this scene highlights it perfectly. Kurt, unlike Rachel and Finn, has grown tremendously over the past three seasons.

Kurt tells Karofsky to imagine his life in 10 years, when he's living the life of his dreams. Karofsky imagines his life as a successful sports agent, with a handsome partner and a young son. It's a truly beautiful moment between the two.

If only that moment wouldn't have been overshadowed by "Glee" next shocking -- and heartbreaking -- drama. Remember when I said that I felt this ominous force throughout the episode? Well, I had no idea that "Glee" could go from depressing to downright bleak in a 42-minute span.

Amidst winning Regionals, suicide attempts and Sue being pregnant (yes, you read that correctly), we learn that Rachel and Finn are serious about the whole marriage thing, So serious, in fact, that they decide, in light of Karofsky almost dying, that they want to get married immediately after Regionals.

Even though their parents are strongly against it, the entire glee club comes to the court house to support them.

After having a change of heart -- and being welcomed back into the Cheerios -- Quinn decides that she too wants to be a part of the Berry-Hudson wedding. Unfortunately, Quinn never makes it to the wedding.

While answering an urgent text from Rachel (It read: WHERE ARE YOU???), Quinn gets blindsided by an oncoming car. End scene. It certainly gives a new meaning to the episode title "On My Way."

This is where "Glee" has its second PSA moment of the night: Kids, don't text and drive!

Now, I'm not going to sugarcoat this "Glee" fans, but there is a chance that Quinn Fabray might not make it. It's a shame, especially after how much they've redeemed her character in the last few episodes. But, then again, maybe that was the writers' plan all along. After all, it looks like actress Dianna Agron isn't signing on for Season 4.

This did feel like a sendoff for poor Quinn, who's been put through more drama in three seasons than Rachel's dads during a Barbra Streisand marathon.

There was this brilliant conversation between Quinn and Sue toward the end where Sue told Quinn that she admired her.

"You proved that it's never too late to turn your life around." I mean, talk about foreshadowing. Just when Quinn finally got her life together -- she's going to Yale, she made up with Rachel, she's a Cheerio again -- something happens that throws a wrench in her plans.

Maybe death is too heavy for "Glee," but then again, they did kill off Sue's sister in Season 2. However, I don't think the writers actually have the guts to kill one of their main characters. Like Sue said, I think that she'll once again have to turn her life around.

Looks like teen Jesus finally found his way on the glee club. It's only a matter of time before Mercedes and Sam recruit him in light of Quinn's accident. I can already see the God Squad (the moral compass of McKinley) praying around her beside, à la "Grilled Cheesus" in Season 2.

Because I don't feel like any of the other plot points are even as remotely important as the above, here are a few other "Glee" observations from "On My Way."

All Rachel really cares about is winning Regionals and getting into N.Y.A.D.A. Is this really surprising? Why is Finn even marrying her? Do they even have any concept of real life? Where are they going to live? How are they going to support themselves? Okay, I'm through acting like my Jewish grandmother. I just don't have the emotional bandwidth to care about these two. Their actions make me anxious.

We find out that Rory has never tasted peanut butter. Yes, this actually is a real plot point from tonight's episode, and it's Damian McGinty's best acting since "Pot O' Gold." Coincidently, McGinty had never had a spoonful of peanut butter until filming that episode. (Fun fact: He has yet to ever have a banana, and yes, I'm officially a Twitter stalker.)

In a true "Breakfast Club" moment, Mr. Schue reveals that he attempted suicide at a young age. Now, I would have found this to be a more poignant moment if Mr. Schue hadn't started his lesson by giving Rory a spoonful of peanut butter (and if the writers hadn't directly stolen this exact scenario from "The Breakfast Club").

Sue is pregnant.

Sebastian goes from major jerk to remorsefully nice Warbler in less than 20 minutes. It turns out that he was a total d-bag to Karofsky at Scandals -- Lima's gay bar -- and now he feels guilty.

The Troubletones make a triumphant return, and the New Directions win Regionals (duh).

Notable Quotables:
"Well, if it isn't an old Barbra Streisand and a young Betty White. Where is gay Cyclops? Still stumbling in?"
-- Sebastian

"That's show choir terrorism."
-- Rachel

"I, Sue Sylvester, am with child."
-- Sue

"In the last week, you either enjoyed a really delicious curry or received a hug from principal Figgins."
-- Sue

"I want to be there to see 'Sex and the City Part 3.'"
-- Sugar

"I just want a song."
-- Tina

"i admire you for all of the ways you're not like me. You proved that it's never too late to turn your life around."
-- Sue

"It isn't going to be easy. There are going to be days where life just sucks, but you're going to get through this."
-- Kurt

"We screwed up big time. We tried playing these reverse psychology games on them."
-- Burt

"Even Patti Lupone herself couldn't talk Rachel out of marrying Finn."
-- Hiram

Elizabeth Weil: What I Learned From Trying To Make My Good Marriage Better

2012-02-21T19:16:17Z

The following text is excerpted from Elizabeth Weil's new book, "No Cheating, No Dying: I Had a Good Marriage. Then I Tried to Make it Better."

I recently spent a year trying to improve my marriage, and among the most effective 73 seconds I spent were watching a web video called "Your Life Being Married." It starts with a series of racehorses entering the gates at the Honeymoon Is Over Downs.

"They're out of the gate, and they're off," the announcer calls, as if at the Preakness. "Jumping out in the lead is Romance & Affection, with Domestic Bliss in close behind. It's Romance & Affection and Domestic Bliss... Here comes Marriage Vows followed by Immediate Child. Romance & Affection falling off quickly. Mortgaged Up The Ass overtaking Domestic Bliss... And here comes Nasty Attitude, followed by More Children and Drinking Heavily." By mid-race it's "I Don't Give A Shit taking the lead, followed by The Fucking House, You Cook Like Shit, and I Fucked Your Brother... Here they come spinning out of the turn. I Don't Give A Shit still in front. Up Yours Keith challenging for the lead. Up Yours Keith and I Don't Give a Shit neck and neck. And down the stretch they come... Up Yours Keith is pulling away from I Don't Give A Shit by a length. Coming on strong is I Am Outta Here, and passing the pack is The Fucking House. And at the wire it's Up Yours Keith, The Fucking House, I Don't Give A Shit, and I Am Outta Here."

I loved this -- totally loved it, which was surprising, even instructive, given that until I'd watched the video, one of the things I'd been most reluctant to change about my marriage was my delusion that it was entirely unique. Embarrassingly enough, I'd maintained the fantasy that my whole life was unique until I found myself screaming on my hands and knees in labor, feeling intense kinship with a woman in Mozambique I'd read about. During a flood, she'd delivered her daughter in a tree. She and I were sisters (at least according to me), two humans giving birth. As a mother, I welcomed knowing that the most important thing in my life was also the most banal. But this sentiment did not extend to my marriage. My marriage was supposed to be special, sui generis. Cookie cutter marriages -- Stepford marriages -- were creepy and for dopes.

Then came the mortal blow to this indulgence: that Imago therapy workshop. Imago therapy focuses on how our relationships with our parents and our baggage from childhood influences our marriages. It starts from three assumptions.

1. We're all born whole.
2. We're all damaged, usually unintentionally, by our parents.
3. We're all looking in romantic love for stand-ins for those parents, people who share our mothers' and fathers' strengths and weaknesses, thus can help us repair our childhood wounds.

My husband, Dan, skipped the workshop -- improvement fatigue -- so it was just me and six other couples listening as the facilitator whispered to us through a cordless microphone.

"Close your eyes, relax your body, breathe through your belly. Now you're 30 years old, now you're 25, now you're 20, now you're 15, now you're 10, now you're five... You're in a warm safe space, filled with light."

And there I was in my Speedo, with my bowl haircut, lying on a towel next to the Wightman Tennis Center swimming pool. I feel awkward, and I like I have very bad hair.

"Now invite your mother, or your mother-like caretaker, to the edge of your safe space... "

And there she is, not in her one-piece swimsuit with the huge molded cups (why did she wear such matronly swimsuits? Did she not feel beautiful, either? She had a pin-up's figure) but in her street clothes: brown loafers with no socks, brown-and-orange chevron-striped pants, brown turtleneck and bouffant hairdo. She's standing, happy but rushed -- her usual mode -- eager to race off to the grocery store.

"Now say goodbye to your mother, let her drift away, and invite your father or your father-like caretaker to the edge of your safe space."

And, boom, there he is, too, like the apparition of Jodie Foster's dead father in the Carl Sagan movie "Contact," only in fantastically preppy clothes. I stare at my father, in his blue poplin pants with the red embroidered lobsters, and he stares back. He's warm, smart, and gentle, but I've frozen him out. I don't feel known or understood. I appreciate that he loves me, but I feel scared that he loves me too much, that I don't deserve it, that his love is based on a fantasy.

Imago does not subscribe to the idea that our marriages are our own creations. Instead it subscribes to the poet Philip Larkin's "They fuck you up, your mum and dad" school of thought. To make this absolutely clear, after whispering us out of our safe spaces, our instructor sent us outside to complete six pages of charts: five detailing what we loved and hated as children about our parents, how they'd made us feel incomplete or whole; then a sixth page on which we used our previous responses to complete a psycho-marital MadLibs.

After I filled in the complicated blanks --"My unconscious agenda was to get my caretakers who were sometimes (items circled on page 17) with whom I often felt (items circled on page 23, #2), etc. -- there was my psyche, exposed as in an adolescent game of truth-or-dare. My parents made me feel hurried and unknown, whereas Dan was a master of lingering and tuning in. Even more importantly, he saw me as beautiful, and that helped me see beauty in myself.

Sona Gajiwala: Dressing The Indian Wedding Part

2012-02-21T19:00:28Z

When I go to my American friends' weddings, I usually ask my mom to buy me a dress and pick out jewelry, and I'll usually wear exactly what she suggests. Sometimes I'll even just wear one of her dresses tailored to my size, even though we're several sizes apart. It's no big deal...my mom's style is my style.

No, that never happens. Like, never ever happens. Yet as an Indian American woman, up until about the time I turned 28, I had no issue enacting the above scenario for the 5+ Indian weddings I attend every year. It was always one of three situations:

1) My mom or an aunt would travel to India every few years and pick out clothes that I'd then wear to weddings in America.

2) My mom would alter one of her blouses for me, which generally made me feel like my waist was too short, my shoulders too slumped, and my boobs like they were in a bra two sizes too big.

3) My mom would take me to Little India, and I'd pick something that I sort of liked (but something that she liked too so we could share), and then watched my mom try to haggle them down from $750, or whatever ridiculous price they started with, to $250. When we'd get home, we'd discover that the quality of the garment wasn't as good as we thought, and of course, they don't accept returns.

I proudly tried to go by myself once, but the minute they heard my Americanized Gujarati (Gujarati is the language spoken by most shopkeepers in Little India), we both knew I was going to get ripped off.

The money thing wasn't the worst of it. Going to these stores was essentially the same as having someone else go shopping for me. A lot of them sourced their clothes from bargain basements in India. Their clothes didn't reflect my Indian American style, or even allow me the chance to develop one.

It's like when you were 13 and your mom still bought your clothes for you even though you were ready to go shopping on your own, but you didn't have a car, a credit card, or know any cool brands besides Claire's.

Indian weddings tend to be fashion parades, and as someone who didn't have the money or vacation time to travel to India frequently, I could never quite fit in.

Then came along a new wave of E-commerce sites like Luxemi.com, that take the Rent-the-Runway and Shop Bop models to fill a void for women who go through what I did. Just as Rent-the-Runway made American designer clothing accessible to thousands of women, Luxemi (unlike the shops in Little India) works with designers in India to bridge the cultural fashion gap for South Asian Americans. They'll take current American fashion trends, like color-blocking and prints, and find Indian definitions of them.

Thanks to Indian American fashion sites, I've been able to explore my own style, which doesn't involve me wearing massive amounts of jewelry on heavily embroidered clothing. I can take a beautiful and basic, but high-quality, sari, like a Neeru Kumar (whose saris are a little reminiscent of ones my grandma used to wear), and restyle it with a favorite chunky necklace, a soft headband, or an unexpected belt. Or I can borrow a designer Satya Paul print sari (one that I'd normally never be able to afford), and choose to go light on the jewelry (at which my relatives would scoff. "No matching set? Your face is naked without one!" they'd exclaim).

These sites are a little new for South Asian brides to have fully adopted them for their wedding ceremony wear, but full disclosure: I rented a very traditional Victorian jewelry set with blue stones to wear at my own reception to complement my Indo-Western gown. More and more of my peers are straying away from spending thousands on expensive, real gold and gem stones that traditionally signify an Indian bride, and moving toward wearing more trendy, fake jewelry that matches their colorful outfits and costs less. But most have a hard time swallowing the price tags in India for something that isn't even considered an investment. To me, renting a set was better than spending money on a costume set that I'd never wear again -- plus, it took care of my something borrowed and my something blue in one fell swoop!

Moreover, with this newfound Indian American fashion identity, I was able to find a dress that really represented me. Without it, I probably would have worn what every other bride at the bargain stores in Mumbai was wearing because I didn't know my own style any better. It might make me a little less Indian to say this, but I'm not the blinged-out-Indian-bride type, and that's what I would have become.

With the high number of Indian fusion weddings happening these days, Indian families love that their non-Indian friends and in-laws can dress the part for the festivities, without having to invest too much money, or deal with the hassle of scouting out reputable shops and tailors in whatever city they're in. Believe it or not, non-Indians fare worse than I do at the shops in Little India.

Photo of the author's wedding gown by Studio Vérité Photography

Amy Haberland: How To Get The Photos You Want

2012-02-21T18:52:46Z

The six-layer chocolate framboise wedding cake design is complete. You've had lace appliqué flown in from England to match Kate Middleton's dress. The choreographer finally taught your bridal party to dance in heels. Now if only you can get that wedding photographer to capture your day picture perfect. What's a bride to do to ensure that the day goes as planned and a month from now when the wedding is just a fading memory, her pictures tell the fairytale dream in all its glory?

Hire the right photographer! Ask a lot of questions and then ask some more and expect to be asked questions back by your photographer. Here are just a few queries that I've heard from prospective brides.

Q. My best friend just got married and there were more pictures of the guests than of her. How do I make sure I get the pictures I want?

A. While it's best not to give your photographer endless lists of shots, you can specify something like, make sure that at least 50 percent of the shots are of my husband and me. Your photographer may not know that you really don't care about hundreds of pictures of your guests dancing.

Q. I really want to get pictures of all the female relatives, but I don't see a lot of posed shots on my photographer's website.

A. All photographers allow for "posed shoots." These usually happen right after the ceremony while your guests are making their way to the bar.

You must allow five minutes for every small group shot (four to six guests) and 10 minutes for each large group. Why so long? A wedding is a living, vibrant event. Your guests are interacting with their friends, not standing at attention waiting for their picture to be shot. They need to be gathered and posed for each shot, and inevitably, even though everyone is instructed to look at the lens, there is always the wayward eye that gets distracted by your guest who has invaded the room with her $5 disposable camera.

And forget about a shot with your mom standing on your right with your husband on your left and then the same shot except with mom on the left and your husband on the right and even another with mom in the middle of the two of you. Edit your shot lists before you give them to your photographer. Those endless posed shots with slight position rearrangements went out of style decades ago.

Q. I'm kind of old-fashioned and I want to see a lot of posed shots. What should I do?

A. If you LOVE the endless posed shots against a wall, I have the perfect solution for you. Get a photo booth. Your guests can entertain themselves for hours standing in front of a background and you'll have endless permeations of all of your guests. Your photographer will be able to recommend someone or might even have staff that can do this for you.

Q. I spent months planning the details of my wedding down to the smallest touches. How can I make sure that my photographer captures my vision?

A. Look at your photographer's portfolio. Modern creative photographers will capture all the special details that make your wedding stand out from the crowd. It's also good to ask if they have a second shooter who can capture the ornamental details, while your photographer concentrates on you and your story.

Q. I want my photos in a photojournalistic style, but I only see a handful of shots per wedding on some websites.

A. Does your photographer's work tell a story? A wedding begins with getting ready or entering the church and should go through the reception. Look for a complete storyteller. You want someone with the wisdom to understand the vibe of your wedding immediately.

Q. How do I know that my photographer will capture my first kiss with my husband?

A. You must look at the photographer's portfolio; do you see kisses? Look for what you want. And if you love your photographer's work but don't see a certain shot, then ASK. Photographers can take about 1,000 shots at a wedding, maybe the one you like isn't online, but they can show you samples.

Q. I'm terrified of eating at my wedding because I don't want my dress to have spots in the pictures.

A. Any good photographer can remove food stains from photos -- some photographers include this in their basic package and some charge extra. Communication is key. You must find a photographer that you feel comfortable with. Do they answer your emails quickly? Are they upbeat when you ask questions? This is one of the most important days in your life -- you want to be comfortable with the person who will capture your emotions on that highly personal day.

Q. I had to invite my cousin to my wedding, but I really don't want her in any of the pictures.

A. Honesty is the best policy. Tell your photographer. While it may be inevitable that your cousin ends up in a few candids, they can do their best to fulfill your wishes.

Q. I want pictures of myself getting ready, but my photographer is a man and I'm a little uncomfortable.

A. The photographer doesn't have to be in the room while you are dressing. You can have a female relative cue them at the moment you zip up your dress to get that special shot.

Q. I'm really worried. I booked my venue on a budget and now I realize it's very dark inside. Will my photographer be able to make the room light up?

A. Professional photographers work with expensive cameras and lenses that work well in low light. In addition, they will use on-camera or off-camera flash to light up your room. Be sure to tell them about your reception hall and ask about their comfort level with dark venues. Remember, churches also can be very dark and hard to photograph. They also have restrictions on using flash, so you want someone who can handle your particular situation.

Q. I really don't think I can afford a Wedding Album. How do I find a photographer who will just shoot my wedding and give me the pictures on a disc?

A. Most photographers do offer a bare-bones package, but think carefully before you choose this option. Six months from now, when you have you friends over and you want to show off your pictures, are you going to sit them down in front of a computer while each image flashes on and off the screen? A beautiful album is something to be treasured and held and admired with friends and the family.

Andrew Z. Cohen: Trust Is More Difficult (And Powerful) Than Love

2012-02-21T18:39:18Z

It's time to think about those we love. Even more importantly, it's time to consider what it means to truly love another. Have you ever deeply thought about what love is? Have you ever considered where it comes from and why we feel drawn to be with certain people over others? Love is indeed a complex and multidimensional subject.

We can understand love either from the perspective of what it is or what it is not. Love is the uplifting experience of joy, ecstasy, fulfillment, contentment, delight and abandon. Love is not the painful experience of fear, doubt, suspicion, jealousy, obsession and attachment. More than anything else, I think the highest expression of true love is trust. Indeed, trust is love's sweetest gift. That is because trust gives rise to an experience that ordinary love cannot: Freedom and space. In fact, trust is the powerful experience of spiritual freedom within the context of human relationship.

We can easily experience spiritual freedom when we close our eyes and let the world disappear, when we contemplate the infinite nature of consciousness. But how do we experience that same freedom within the complexity of our relationships with each other? That's a much more difficult endeavor. Attaining the perennial mystical experience of freedom by oneself -- walking in nature or sitting alone in quiet contemplation -- is, I believe, less of a challenge than achieving that same kind of freedom in relationship with other human beings.

In the utopian paradise of a spiritually enlightened world, "I love you" means much more than the expression of deep affection and attraction. It means "I trust you." Think about it. For most of us, those words are not necessarily synonymous. It's easier to tell somebody you love them than to tell them that you trust them. More often than not, love tends to amount to a strong emotion of affinity, fondness, intimacy, longing and attachment. To be honest, it is an experience that, under the light of close scrutiny, is neither as profound nor inherently meaningful as it appears to be. We easily allow ourselves to feel affection or attraction without becoming truly vulnerable, without dropping our defenses. But if we want to know the extraordinary freedom that the awakening of profound trust bestows upon us, we must open ourselves up far more that most of us feel naturally inclined to do.

When we permit ourselves to trust deeply, we are letting another human being into our heart and into our soul. We have accepted the good intentions of another so deeply that we allow them to step so close to us that we cannot protect ourselves any longer. Now we are wide open and when we meet another in the infinite expanse of true vulnerability and profound intimacy, the experience is identical to mystical intimacy with God or Spirit. No boundaries, one Self, infinite freedom, and joy beyond measure. This kind of trust is more profound and more significant than any love that is merely personal. In this truly transpersonal love, through our relationship with the other, a new inner world opens up. This love, based on trust, is a sacred world of boundless freedom and infinite space. No fear whatsoever of loss or betrayal. This love means I'm always with you, forever.

Andrew Cohen is a spiritual teacher and bestselling author of EVOLUTIONARY ENLIGHTENMENT: A New Path to Spiritual Awakening.

Tracy DiNunzio: 5 Marriage Lessons I Learned From The Kardashians

2012-02-21T18:31:09Z

Kim Kardashian isn't exactly the patron saint of marriage, but she and her sisters have some valuable things to teach us all about choosing the right partner and living happily ever after.

In case you've been living in a cave for the last few months, Kim famously filed for divorce from Kris Humphries just 72 days after their fairytale wedding extravaganza. Her decision sparked more conspiracy theories than 9/11. Was the marriage a made-for-TV PR stunt? Was Kris an innocent victim of the Kardashian fame machine, or part of it? The media even questioned whether Kim's 20-carat diamond engagement ring was a fake.

As your intrepid wedding expert and noble truth-seeker, I felt it was my responsibility to spend an entire weekend cozying up to "Kourtney and Kim Take Manhattan" on DVR, and get to the bottom of it all. The show was filmed during the infamous 72 days of Kim and Kris's union, and has created lots of controversy for supposedly showing a biased, Kardashian-ized version of the marriage. But after consuming endless bowls of popcorn and a dizzying amount of reality TV, I can finally bring you the shocking truth:

Kim is for real. She screwed up. The marriage wasn't fake, even if the way it was presented on TV was somewhat slanted. Kim's anguish over her crappy marriage was too painfully authentic to be an act. As it turns out, Kim is just like the rest of us (give or take a few million dollars and a world-famous butt). She wanted to find true love and live happily ever after, and she made a bunch of mistakes trying to get there. Rather than bashing Kim, we can learn some good lessons from her short-lived marriage, and from Khloe and Kourtney too:

1. Do mundane, everyday things with your partner before getting married. Go grocery shopping, plan your monthly budget, roast a chicken. Because this is most of what you'll do after you're married -- even if you happen to be celebrities like Kim and Kris. Their courtship was spent frolicking on exotic beaches, posing for paparazzi, and planning an over-the-top wedding. Which made it easy to mistake "fun" and "massive amounts of ego-stroking attention" for "love". Kim and Kris didn't know the were incompatible until they started living in reality (pardon the pun). For Kris, that meant working out, talking up the awesomeness of rural Minnesota, and staring blankly into space. For Kim, it was all about celebutante-ing, shopping sprees, fancy lunches, and media appearances. It quickly became obvious that these two had nothing in common, but they were already married. Awk-ward!

2. Quality matters more than quantity. It's not the length of the courtship, but its substance that predicts overall marital satisfaction. Khloe and Lamar got married a month after they met, and are quite happy three years later. They seem to have spent most of their brief dating period locked away in a hotel room, giggling and doing...um, other stuff, which let them connect deeply, quickly. Mom-ashian Kris and husband Bruce Jenner got married after just five months, and are going 20 years strong. And though Kourtney and Scott aren't married, they now have a strong family after taking the leap into parenthood while still dating. By comparison, Kim and Kris had about a year to get to know each other, and still made a colossal marriage mistake. They may have been a good match on paper, but they didn't have that magical, intangible chemistry that keeps a marriage exciting and fresh.

3. Age ain't nothin' but a number. As her relationship was crumbling, Kim cried that she had imagined herself married with kids by 30. And though I hate to admit it, I could relate. My first marriage happened just five days before my 30th birthday, and I remember feeling relieved that I'd gotten hitched just under the "spinster deadline"...phew! It's something that modern gals will only whisper about, but when you're nearing 30 and all your friends are partnering up, life can feel like a big game of musical chairs. So it's all too easy to sit on the wrong person to avoid being the only one left standing. But the music doesn't actually stop when you turn 30. In fact, you can turn it up and start dancing whenever you like. You're much more likely to attract an awesome partner if you're not stuck on society's expectations or anybody else's timeline. So throw away the clock and follow your heart.

4. Don't marry a man with the same name as your mom. Especially if they're both blatantly misspelled. Seems like a no-brainer, but apparently this happens. And if your entire family's names are blatantly misspelled...well, that's a whole separate issue that we don't have room to address here.

5. Marry a man of substance, not a cute boy. Real men aren't afraid to be tender and sweet, and they take pride in caring for a woman. They don't get disgusted by your period or your cellulite, and they definitely don't need to tease you about your shortcomings to feel powerful, like Kris did to Kim. Lamar and Scott have both proven to be men of substance by working through difficult family issues with a mix of honesty, humor, and dedication to their women. And my own mom chose that kind of substance when she fell for my dad. Back then they were just work friends, kind of like a 1970s version of Pam and Jim from "The Office." My dad was nursing a major crush on my mom, but she was too busy dating cute boys to notice him. Then she got dumped by one of those cute boys. As is common with the women in our family (thanks mom), her upset heart resulted in an upset stomach. But gastrointestinal difficulties be damned, she called my dad to come over, and cried herself to sleep with her head on his lap. She woke up in the morning to find him still awake, sitting motionless in the same position so as not to disturb her. Forty years later, he still looks after her with the same care. Now that's a true love story, no 20 carat diamond required.

Deborah Gaines: 5 Mistakes Stepfamilies Make

2012-02-21T12:08:00Z

There's something hilarious about the phrase "blended family." As though you can throw two sets of hostile people in the blender and serve them poolside with fruit kebabs and little paper umbrellas.

I'm something of a maven on this subject, having had two stepfathers, two stepmothers, three step siblings, and one stepchild over the past 40-odd years. I've seen at least six therapists specializing in blended family dynamics, and dealt with two generations of baffled but well-meaning neighbors and friends.

Based on my uncertified experience, here are five common mistakes and one piece of time-tested, worthwhile advice.

Mistake 1: Assuming the rules are the same. It may seem blatantly obvious to you that Ho-Hos aren't allowed in the house, that four-year-olds shouldn't play Call of Duty and that parents are allowed to sleep until 10 on Sunday mornings. Guess what? Not only isn't it obvious to your new family, they aren't going to see the wisdom -- or the logic -- of your rules.

Mistake 2: Expecting your spouse to back you up. Yes, mom and (step) dad are supposed to present a united front. But when you ask your partner to support a change in parenting style, you're implicitly criticizing everything they've done up until now. Chances are, there's going to be pushback -- passive or aggressive, depending on their personality type. Try not to take it personally.

Mistake 3: Drawing lines in the sand. Short of infanticide, there are very few unbreakable rules in a stepfamily. Everyone's trying to navigate this unfathomably difficult situation as best they can; do you really want to throw all that work down the toilet because a five-year-old hid her stepbrother's stuffed bunny?

Mistake 4: Expecting other family members to give 50-50. I can't think of any place where quid pro quo is less feasible than in a stepfamily. Here's the unvarnished truth: You'll need to give 100 percent, pretty much all the time, and so will your partner. That's why weekly date nights and periodic couples' getaways are so important. You need a place to recharge.

Mistake 5: Getting hung up on appearances. What makes a successful family? Roseanne Barr said, "If the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job." A good family provides a safe environment that encourages the healthy development of its members. Whether that looks like Ozzie and Harriet or Malcolm in the Middle is nobody's business but yours.

Finally, here is the one piece of advice that I have found indispensable in creating successful step-relationships: Let time pass. Just as you can't make a plant grow by pulling on the leaves, you can't make a family come together through desire or will.

Be patient with one another. Celebrate your successes (however small). Lower your expectations and then lower them again. One day, you'll look around and realize that this strange, prickly group of ridiculously difficult people has got your back. And that you've come to love -- or at least appreciate -- every one of them.

Deborah Plummer: Interracial Marriage for All Americans

2012-02-20T13:50:16Z

The recent release of the Pew Research Center publication, The Rise of Intermarriage provides a number of insights on the status of race relations in America. The report analyzes the demographics and economics of those who "marry in" and "marry out" of their race. The reports notes an increase in the number of interracial marriages and an increase in support for such marriages.

Gender patterns were also noted in the report and there was great variance in this data. One particular statistic stood out for me. About 24 percent of all black male newlyweds in 2010 married outside of their race as compared to 9 percent of black females.

Well into my adult years, despite the fact that I preached diversity, I held the belief that black men should marry black women and conversely, black women should marry black men. I never considered a white man as a potential mate simply because of race. Maybe it was because I feared that others would interpret my choice of a white partner as a statement about my weak or non-existent affiliation with blacks. I was actually listening to the voice of my own insecure black identity and the collective insecurity that as blacks we embraced from living in a racist society. Perhaps that is why there are always more black men marrying outside of their race than black women... but that is a topic for another post.

A white male friend who challenged my belief on this topic caused me to pause and rethink this position. I reasoned that after a day of battling being "the only one" or "one of a few" all day I might not want to connect with my partner simply because he was white. He pointed out that it wouldn't be any different from the times when I wouldn't want to connect with my black partner simply because he was male or because of a personality characteristic.

Another white male friend also enlightened my racially inconsistent thinking. He noted that by ruling out white males simply because of race was as offensive as any other racially exclusive action. I could rule him out because of personality or other reasons, but to do so because of race was absurd.

Ultimately, when doing research on cross-racial friendships, I not only changed my position on interracial marriages, but became a advocate for those who crossed racial lines in marriage. We have much to learn from them. At the risk of oversimplifying the issue, I believe that interracial couples support us all in moving toward a shared American experience.

In my diversity-training sessions, we often progress toward an animated discussion about what the American experience is. All of our ancestors, except for those of Native American Indians, arrived in this country by boat -- the difference is in the kind of boat. Some were passenger ships, and some were slave ships. The American Dream, that anyone may be able to create a "rags to riches" success, has historically been a nightmare for some racial groups. Similarly, the "bootstrap theory" -- that anyone can succeed through diligence and hard work ("pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps") -- only applies to those who have boots and, more particularly, boots with straps. From this perspective, the historical background of our racial heritage frames our relationship to America, and thus dictates the kind of American experience one might have.

What I witness in interracial couples is not only the ability to disencumber themselves of society's racial baggage but also evidence of the inherent God-given right that each of us has to fulfill our human potential by loving. It is how we love, not our historical relationship with America, that dictates our ability to grasp the richness of the American experience. Yes, we are really free to love whom we please in America. That is one of the true beauties of being an American.

Marianne Curan: Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me I Was Marrying A Jerk?

2012-02-20T08:00:38Z

I am the only woman in the history of divorce who didn't keep the house. Instead, I took my equity and hired a therapist. She bought a house.

My first marriage, "The Episode," was a typical starter marriage -- like in the 60's when my parents bought a "starter" home. They fell in love with a sweet little house, but in five years outgrew it and moved on to bigger and better things. My first marriage started off sweet, but in five years my husband outgrew it and moved on to younger and blonder things. They now live in our starter home.

About three years into this glorious union I was thinking it was time to start a family. That was until a nagging cramp in my uterus warned me that my now "Huz Was" was mating elsewhere. Turned out, he was -- with two of my best friends who just happen to be sisters. (Feel free to wash your hands, shower, or get a breath mint. I'll wait.) To say that I dodged a sperm bullet is an understatement.

So at 34, I was divorced and despondent. But, as my doting father advised me, "Give it time, sweetie. You'll see. That asshole did you a favor."

Which brings up a point -- Why do your family and friends wait till after your divorce to tell you they thought you were marrying a complete jerk--when that fact was apparent the minute they met him?

My Maid of Honor had no problem telling me she hated the dresses, so why not tell me she hated the groom? I asked who else felt this way and she rattled off most of the bridal party, the priest and my former Mother-In-Law. Apparently "Mom" didn't say anything because having me around made him "tolerable." And, when I asked her why she never told me this before I strolled down the Aisle of Doom, she said, "Because you were so in love."

Yes. I was in love -- with an asshole. Thanks for the heads up.

As my Dad so sagely advised, I gave it time and eventually moved on...ready to try marriage again. I wanted an "I Do Over."

Most of the men I dated were commitment phobic. They were like POW's, limping and battered, who felt one tour of spousal duty was plenty, thank you. (Ironically my first husband was the only man I knew who wanted commitment. He wanted to get married. He wanted to wear the pants in the family. Too bad he couldn't commit to keeping them on.)

My next serious relationship was with a man whose second wife took the house, all his money and most of their personal belongings. So the few things he had left he got monogrammed...the sheets, the towels, his balls. Needless to say he didn't want to get married again.

I now have a new love in my life who was adamant he would never remarry. And who could blame him? His first wife, "The Incident," made Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction" look like Taylor Swift in a Disney flick. To quote a line from the horror film, "The Village," "She is the thing of which we do not speak."

Bob and I have been together for over ten years. We are occasionally shaken -- but somehow not stirred -- from our commitment to this thing called love. And, in our case that includes marriage. It's not everyone's choice, but it's ours -- our "I Do Over."

E. C. Hurley, Ph.D.: When Memories Of The Past Interrupt The Present

2012-02-19T15:13:05Z

Every day I see veterans in my office who are battling to recover their lives after honorably serving our county. Resuming life after war is not easy. Some will take a few weeks to adjust to life "back in the world" as they cope with new family responsibilities and performance demands at the military installation. Other veterans, with unresolved combat trauma, demonstrate greater adjustment difficulties. Their relationship survived the difficulties of military deployments but new difficulties emerge that threaten to jeopardize their future now that they are together again.

Everyone returns changed from a combat deployment. Spouses of combat soldiers frequently report their partner is typically less communicative, more emotionally distant, socially isolated, irritable, and more reactive. They generally report that the honeymoon period after coming home may have lasted three days, perhaps even a couple of weeks before the difficulties began. Many soldiers who have experienced multiple deployments often express they would be more comfortable being back down range living in the combat zone since it is easier than being home where everything takes so much effort.

When the news announced that Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) was over, many veterans had difficulty accepting the announcement -- it was not over for them. For these veterans, it seems there is no safe place anymore. They continue to struggle to make sense of it all. In many ways, one or more tours of duty have redefined their lives. It is difficult to transition from a deployment in which every day other peoples' lives depended on them to returning home to a regular routine without a sense of wartime urgency and "mission." For many veterans who have served honorably, the past continues to influence, if not control, their lives. It is as if the veteran is still fighting the war. Spouses report that sometimes they feel like the enemy. Many veterans report they have lost the ability to turn loose of an argument.

Emotional reactivity is common among many veterans. Such response is known as "being triggered." Something in the present situation sets them off and they tend to react without thinking. Add to the situation that the spouse may have their own unresolved memories of past events. For example, if a spouse grew up with abandonment issues as a child, the veteran's emotional numbness and withdrawal can trigger an emotional reaction for both persons. The couple begins to react to each other in a manner which seems out of control. It is like they are in a dance in which no one is leading. One wife told me, "he has been back four months; I have been waiting for him to tell me that he loves me. I finally asked 'Do you love me?' He stated, 'I don't care about anything.'"

It's hard to imagine a wife not taking this personally. But in reality, the veteran's statement was not about his love for his wife, it was about emotional numbness due to living in an environment where you might die at any moment. Thinking about how much you love someone in that life-threatening environment can create depression, generate more anxiety, and eventually can get you killed. It is easier to numb out.

Francine Shapiro, Ph.D, in her new book Getting Past Your Past describes how unresolved memories from the past continue to impact the quality of our present life until they are resolved. Dr. Shapiro's description makes sense for many veterans who wish to reclaim their lives now that they are home, but continue to live as if they are still in the war. The experiences we have in life are stored in the brain as memory networks. Those memory networks determine how we interpret new experiences. So, when something happens in the present that experience is linked to preexisting memory networks and we react. While most life experiences have been integrated into the brain's memory system, there are some maladaptively stored memories that make it difficult to separate the past event from the present experience. When this happens people continue to live those unresolved memories from the past as if they are happening in the present. If I am carrying these kinds of memories all it takes is something to remind me of a similar situation and I have a similar response. A veteran in my office recalled being triggered when he perceived his spouse as becoming argumentative. He later stated, "I thought my job was to get as many rounds down range as possible" during the argument. There are some events in our lives in which unresolved memories continue to impact our present lives. For veterans, this means that some rules of engagement as well as intense combat experiences can be triggered and relived as if they are happening in the present.

Incorporating an evidence-based model of psychotherapy such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) helps resolves the reactivity. It assists both parties in reclaiming their lives. Recently, after completing treatment, a veteran said to me "I am home now!" In a follow-up session his spouse noted the amount of fun they regained in their marriage now that memories from the past had been resolved. Dr. Shapiro's book can give you a good overview of how EMDR can help. Individual veterans and a military couple volunteered to share their stores to help others. In addition, the book describes self-help techniques in detail as well as relationship advice. It also gives guidelines to decide if memory processing is a good choice for you.

Help is available to veterans and their families recovering from the impact of military deployments. Find out what resources are available in your community. There are many clinicians who work with veterans and have been trained in evidence-based treatment models of psychotherapy, such as EMDR. If you have difficulty locating a clinician who uses evidence-based treatment models you may contact me at ec.hurley@soldier-center.com. I welcome comments from spouses and veterans on how deployments to combat zones have impacted their relationships. Please post your comments below. Together we can make a difference.

Reference:

Shapiro, F. (2012). Getting past your past: Take control of your life with self-help techniques from EMDR therapy. New York: Rodale

For more by E. C. Hurley, Ph.D., click here.

For more on PTSD, click here.

Anne Chertoff: Vera Wang Shares Her Top Wedding Planning Tips And Launches A Wedding App

2012-02-18T16:35:08Z

Vera Wang, the iconic wedding gown designer, recently launched a wedding planning and design app to help brides with more than just the search for their dream dress. The app, Vera Wang on Weddings, includes 1,000+ images of everything from cakes and flowers to real weddings and stationery and of course wedding gowns, over 100 planning articles and some of the most innovative wedding tools out there.

Brides can keep track of their guest lists -- everyone knows brides make both an A and a B list -- vendor meetings, and their inspiration. They can file their favorite images in the app, or add photos from the camera roll or web and create an unlimited number of inspiration boards to share with mom, the groom, bridesmaids and vendors.

I had a chance to ask Vera for her advice to brides on finding the one (I'm referring to the dress, not the guy), the wedding planning process and why she decided to develop an app. Here's what she had to say:

What are the first to-do's to be checked off a bride's task list?

The first step is to set a date, time and choose a location. The style of both the wedding and dress will be determined on these three decisions.

How should a bride approach the search for her dress?

A bride should look at everything she possibly can and try on all the different possibilities, just so she can experiment and see what makes her really feel beautiful or glamorous or classic, or whatever she desires to be on her wedding day.

When a bride is trying on wedding gowns, what elements should she be considering?

The wedding's location and time of day as well as how many guests can influence a bride's choice in how she looks. But it's also important for a bride to consider both the headpiece as well as the bouquet. When you look at a dress, and it might be extremely complex, one doesn't remember that you're going to be holding a bouquet and there's going to be a veil and these two factors can actually make or break a wedding gown.

Is there one wedding dress style that always looks good on a bride?

It's important that a bride choose a dress that is true to her own style. She should feel comfortable in how she looks and feel beautiful wearing it.

What's your #1 piece of advice for brides?

Really try to enjoy yourself and the day. One place to take in the moment is right after the ceremony. So many couples just race up the aisle when they should take time to look at their guests who have come to honor them and savor the moment.

What things should a bride consider as she goes through the planning process?

I think the most important thing about the engagement period for a bride, as well as her fiancé, is that this is the time when you're blending two lives. And it's a bit of a dress rehearsal for the rest of your life. It involves families, compromise and friends. Not only the two of you. Make this a learning experience and understand that part of a successful wedding, and a successful marriage, is about compromise.

When deciding on the wedding's details, what should a bride keep in mind -- tradition, trends?

It's important that couples plan their ceremony and reception with their own tastes and not give into family, friends, tradition or trends. Personalize the day with details that feel right to you.

Why did you decide to develop a wedding app?

I'm here, hopefully, as a voice of tremendous experience and also coming from a place that is so dedicated to bridal. The Vera Wang on Weddings app is my way of leveraging all of my wedding knowledge and I hope brides will find ideas and inspiration for both their personal style as well as the style of their wedding day.

The app has a really cool inspiration board. Can you share why you made it part of a wedding planning app?

I think brides are great researchers. I don't know one that hasn't come with pictures of dresses. They're voracious about collecting information and inspiration and it's those two things that make the bridal process so fascinating.

An inspiration board is helpful because you're able to crystallize an idea visually with so many tear sheets and so many books and so many films and you're able to really envision where you're trying to go.

Vera Wang on Weddings is available for free at the App Store through February and beginning March 1st will cost $9.99