THE BLOG

My iPhone Hell

06/08/2015 07:59 am ET | Updated Jun 08, 2016

My iPhone's demise has been brutal. I haven't ever been separated from it before and now it's broken -- just like that! I'm worried I may be hallucinating from the shock of sudden loss. I think I saw a text appear on the blank screen from my old friend Tink -- after I read it -- the screen went black.

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The reality is -- I can't text, and I don't get calls. It's been going on for 24 hours and it's going to go on for another 48 hours. If I'm lucky by Day 4, 9 a.m., the Fed Ex guy will put me back in touch with my world.

The reality has been harsh. I felt nauseous when I saw the phone drop to the wood floor. My husband had asked me to call the garbage guys to schedule a pick up. We had two minutes before we rushed out to Sunday tennis. I was moving fast, efficiently and multi-tasking.

I dialed the garbage guys -- they didn't answer -- they didn't even have an answering machine set up to take my message -- I hate those wasted calls. I hung up -- went to grab my water bottle and the phone slipped out of my hand.

I picked it up -- relieved that the screen wasn't cracked -- but then it went gray -- before my very eyes -- the screen started disappearing -- and I couldn't press anything to resuscitate it.

I tried CPR every which way and finally turned it off and plugged it in to recharge.

Five unsuccessful yoga breathes to release my frustration and off to tennis we went.

Three wonderful sets later I was back at it. No luck -- faded screen -- striated lines running interference with my pass code numbers -- Doomed.

I called Apple support. Ninety minutes with the junior guy -- sweet as he may have been -- he moved me along to Mark -- his supervisor.

Mark became my bestie and his Barry White voice was a bonus. His instructions were clear and kind and I followed him around my Mac keyboard, We were in sync, we were dancing, we were grooving: Open this, click on that, we are going to get this fixed he reassured me.

I followed him around my screen giving myself over to him. He was going to save me -- save me and my iPhone. Soon I would have texts again -- maybe even a call or two.

And then he said,..

"Now open the iPhone prompt on your iCloud and press delete my phone -- erase my phone"

"What!"

I awoke from my stupor. Barry White you suckered me. I had to delete my phone -- bury it -- this was the only way I could get a new one sent. And then the killer --

"Please give me your credit card"

"What! I'm broken, I'm disconnected and you were going to help me" -- I felt duped but helpless. My stomach hurt.

"We cannot send you your new "REFURBISHED" phone until you give us your credit card and as soon as you receive your new (meaning reconstructed phone), we must have your $800 -- but don't worry -- the charge will be reversed as soon as you send your broken one back."

"Oh, that's so wonderful -- an $800 hold on my card, It's only temporary right?"

I chewed a cuticle. What if they look at my broken phone and decide it's not acceptable -- what if it doesn't pass the iPhone police test -- then I'm stuck with their refurbished reconstructed excuse for a new phone and a huge expense!!

Ok Barry White, "When will I receive my new phone because it's Sunday and tomorrow is Memorial Day?"

"We will ship it first thing Tuesday morning so by Wednesday or Thursday you should have it."

An extreme accelerated heartbeat gripped my body -- I started to shake but I was not going to get aggressive -- I had my wits about me. I'm over 50, mature and wise sometimes, and I've learned that calm, pleasant, non-threatening behavior is the most effective.

"I'm sorry, doesn't Fed Ex have overnight delivery? -- Doesn't anyone work on Memorial Day at Apple? Didn't you say you have a skeleton staff on Memorial Day? What if I told you I have a conference call with Steve Jobs? Isn't this considered urgent. How can we expedite this -- I have a very important business I'm running. I have calls all day on Monday and Tuesday for my online media conglomerate." And then I took another cleansing breath.

Barry White kindly told me he would ask "them" to check the one day delivery on Fed Ex versus the two-day and it would go out Tuesday. The skeleton staff wasn't going to be working on getting me a phone."

"Oh, ok, thank you so much. That's terrific. Wednesday is so much better than Thursday. That's just a little less than four days without a phone -- I can handle that." I used my smile therapy, turning my mouth up at the corners to release the pounding in my head.

I politely said goodbye 137 minutes later. Barry White had given me his personal extension should I have anymore questions. How lucky am I!

So last night, after checking my phone a few times, and muttering "still dead", I put it away.

"What an opportunity," I softly whispered to myself. This will be good for me -- time off from an obsessive habit. I will unwind and enjoy a few days of being unplugged. And as for my high school friends who are coming to visit me for 24 hours -- I'm sure they will find their way. My kids will get a text vacation from me. I am sure to have no car or bicycle flats, nor will I be casting my vote for The Voice. If I'm running late, I hope they wait.

Inhale five counts, exhale five counts.

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