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John Boehner Vetoes Hillary's Campaign for the Presidency

04/21/2015 01:42 pm ET | Updated Jun 21, 2015

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Photographer: Gage Skidmore - Flickr: John Boehner

The Speaker of the House has spoken. In an unprecedented political move, John Boehner today announced that he has vetoed Hillary Clinton's campaign for the Presidency -- effective immediately.

Looking even more smug than normal, Boehner spoke to a packed crowd of reporters in the Chrysanthemum Garden -- otherwise known as the back yard of his house in Washington, DC.

Boehner said: "I believe the Executive powers outlined in the Constitution apply to me as an Executive of the United States Congress -- including, hell yeah, the power of the veto!

I am therefore vetoing Hillary Clinton's campaign for the Presidency on the following grounds:

Firstly, it violates the Eighth Amendment of the Constitution, which prohibits cruel and unusual punishment from being inflicted on the American people. Seriously folks, can you imagine 18 months of constant Hillary! That's going to be torture!

Secondly, it violates the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution, which grants all Americans the right to be secure in their houses and persons. Frankly, if a woman wins the Presidency, no man in America is going to feel secure in his own house and absolutely, definitely not in his own person!! Particularly if it's THIS woman!!!

Finally, and most importantly, Hillary's campaign for the Presidency, violates the first amendment of the Constitution, which guarantees the right to free speech!! Honestly people, with Hillary in the White House, none of us guys in Congress will be able to speak freely or get a word in edgewise once she gets going. And worse still, there'll be hell to pay if we don't listen to her!"

Boehner revealed that he had consulted a number of Constitutional scholars and is convinced that he is on solid legal ground in issuing his "Stop Hillary" veto. The aforementioned scholars are rumored to have included Sarah Palin, Donald Trump, Herman Cain, Rush Limbaugh and Carrot Top.

When asked what he'd do if, as is expected, Hillary Clinton refuses to end her campaign, Boehner said: "In keeping with the rights afforded to me under the Constitution, and upon the advice of my lawyers, I take the Fifth."

Given the extraordinary statements Boehner made today, many people will undoubtedly conclude that his "veto" is another example of an ongoing 'Republican War on Women'.

In an attempt to dispel that particular notion, Boehner said: "This 'Republican War on Women' thing is a myth. We just don't support equal pay, equal rights, pro choice, any legislation that protects women from abuse, and above all a woman President. But apart from that, hey, we love women!!"