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Rand Paul Launches Absolutely No Chance of Winning the Presidency Campaign

04/08/2015 04:51 pm ET | Updated Jun 08, 2015

Rand Paul, the Tea Party politician from Kentucky, whose views are supported by a smidgeon of the population, today announced his candidacy for the Presidency of the entire United States of America.

In front of a wild crowd of approximately 7.5 people, Paul declared: "We've come to take our country back, and with the help of the giant army of supporters that I see before me, I am confident we can do it."

Paul, an ophthalmologist by training, outlined his vision for America.

"I see a country where all Americans will be able to enjoy the liberties and freedoms afforded to them by the constitution -- except of course homosexuals because I really can't get my head around this gay marriage thing. I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman, or a woman and a man, and I'm prepared to go mano a mano with anyone who thinks otherwise!

"I see a country of limited government -- apart from when it comes to abortion. In that regard, I support really expansive government and even legislation that gives our leaders ultimate control of women's vaginas and the ability to carry out unconstitutional surveillance of said vaginas at all times. And that's totally in keeping with my hole-listic approach to this issue, people!

"Finally, I see a country where there is no amnesty whatsoever for illegal immigrants. I know this is going to impact Hispanic people in particular, but those folks who are here picking our fruit, cleaning our houses and mowing our yards for virtually no pay, are an imminent threat to our national security -- right up there with the likes of Ali Baba actually -- and they must be deported immediately."

Given that gays constitute 10 percent of voters, women 55 percent of voters, and relatives of illegal immigrants close to 99.9 percent of voters, it would appear that Senator Rand Paul's policies will alienate almost the entire electorate -- thus making his statistical chance of becoming President, zero, none and of course nil.

This gloomy view is supported by the very latest Phew Opinion Poll, which shows -- 7.5 people apart -- no sign of support for Rand Paul whatsoever. (Hence Phew!)

Noah Hope, a spokesman for Phew said: "If Rand Paul becomes President after this latest round of polls, pigs will fly."

When questioned about Ted Cruz's chances of reaching the White House, Hope said: "In the case of Cruz, cats, dogs, rabbits, hamsters, fish AND pigs will fly".