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Flora Nicholas

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Ted Nugent and Other Game Changing Running Mates for Romney

Posted: 05/15/2012 6:44 pm

The Republican presidential field is now down to one. (Well one and a bit, if you count Ron Paul, but hey, even Republicans aren't counting Ron Paul much these days.)

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Mitt is it. He's outlasted Herman and his ladies, Perry and his memory, Rick and his sweater vest and Newt and his ego. And though Mitt hasn't been officially anointed as the leader of the GOP (God's Official Party), he soon will be -- which is why the debate over his running mate has already begun in earnest.

So who the hell should Mitt choose? Well given the fact that it's likely to be a very close election come November, he may well have to make a really bold choice, much as John McCain did when he put Sarah Palin on the ticket in 2008. So here then, are the leading game changing Republican VP candidates for 2012, in my opinion. And just for the record, this time out none of them can see Russia from their houses.

For starters, Ted Nugent should be a serious contender. He does after all have a lot of attributes that will appeal to Republican voters all over the country. He's white, male and middle aged, as well as white, male and middle aged, and actually white, male and middle aged, so he'll definitely connect with the party's um, white, male, and middle aged base.

He also happens to be a very social conservative. Yep, Ted entertains thousands of people at a time so that's pretty social. And he's a gun toting, shoot 'em first and ask questions later -- heads up all you bears! -- kind of dude, so he could fit the right wing bill perfectly. Honestly, Ted would be a, pardon the pun, blast to have on the ticket and he'd bring along millions of fans cum voters too.

Mitt may however have to consider a VP candidate that bolsters his religious credentials. Now, although I don't want to be the one to bring up this touchy, not-so-feely subject, the fact that Mitt is a Mormon has clearly been a problem for some touchy, not-so-feely Christian Republicans. (Way to act like Christians guys!!) Under the circumstances, I think it's imperative for Mitt to consider actually putting Jesus on the ticket. ANYONE called Jesus on the ticket!!

If Mitt does a quick search on Google, he'll see that there are people called Jesus all over America. And if by some miracle there's a guy called Jesus from um, Bethlehem, PA, then Mitt will be golden. Because with Jesus from Bethlehem as his message spreading, disciple-like VP, Mitt will finally be a God in the eyes of uber Christian voters everywhere. Halle-republican-lujah!!

But consider this though: According to the latest CBS/NBC/ABC/CNN/CYA/LOL polls, Mitt has a problem with women voters. He may therefore need to address it by sucking up to all women -- including those upset by the party's vaginal probing monologues -- and pick a female VP. A truly visionary choice in that regard would be Theresa Caputo, aka the Long Island Medium.

Theresa has a ton of political experience -- she does after all work in TV and God knows that's a political experience!! -- and she has stellar foreign policy credentials too. Indeed, she has to travel as far afield as New Jersey to do her readings at times and there's nothing more foreign in the U.S. than New Jersey!! Once on the ticket, Theresa would be a huge asset because she'd be able to use her psychic insights to shape policy in the true style of other famous Republican psychics -- like the one employed by Nancy Reagan for instance.

Now as the Hispanic vote could actually decide the election, Senor Mitt might just plump for a VP who is totally in tune with that community -- like Senorita Jennifer Lopez for instance. As a judge on American Idol, J-Lo has already demonstrated her immense ability to sway voters. Heck, the last time I watched that show, she persuaded 20 million people to vote for a guy with just one bat of her famous eyelids. So just think what she'd be able to do by batting two eyelids just for Mitt!

In addition, J-Lo could play a key role in making Mitt more appealing to Hispanic voters for generations to come. Under her careful guidance in fact, we can all look forward to Mitt singing the national anthem, "Guantanamera" and "La Bamba" in tune, and shaking his booty better than Marc Anthony. (And if that doesn't attract Hispanic voters, nothing will!!)

When all is said and done however, Mitt knows that independents and moderates usually decide presidential elections -- which of course means he can't (ahem) rely on republicans and tea party voters entirely. Under the circumstances, I would highly recommend that he do his own "McCain/Leiberman" thing and choose a reasonable, cooperative and hugely popular Democrat as his VP nominee -- Bo, the First Dog.

Bo would be the perfect running mate for Romney. He'd literally run alongside Mitt morning, noon and night on the campaign trail, he'd be super obedient -- no Sarah Palin "Going Rogue" issues to contend with here -- and he'd lap up everything Mitt says or does even more than Ann Romney and Fox News.

In addition, Mitt could use Bo in a highly visible, and very memorable advertising role in the campaign. This could easily be achieved by Mitt traveling around the country with Bo in a special crate on top of the campaign bus -- one emblazoned with the words "Roof Top Dogs For Romney".

But there's another real advantage of having Bo in the VP slot. He happens to be black and white. So just think there would finally be someone of genuine color on the Republican ticket!! Yeah baby!!

If I were Mitt Romney, I'd pick Bo The First Dog as my VP nominee without hesitation. I do of course realize that a lot of people will think that Mitt would be barking mad if he puts this mangy mutt on the ticket. But seriously folks, anyone who runs for the presidency with the global war on terror still going on, and a worldwide recession to deal with too, must be, well, um, barking mad anyway.

 

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