Independence Day is almost upon us. Yep, that wonderful day every year where we celebrate the declaration made by a group of guys in 1776 -- aka our Founding Fathers -- that led to the birth of America. Much has changed in the last couple of hundred years, but as we head boldly into the 21st century, there are STILL numerous issues that face those of us commonly known as "we, the women of the people."
So as we gals are made of strong "home of the brave" stuff, we have chosen today to bring these matters to the country's attention, and yes, publish our own version of the Declaration of Independence. Here therefore are our declarations, made just in time for July 4 so everyone can digest them along with their hamburgers:
We hold these truths to be self-evident. Like it or not, believe it or not, all women are in fact created equal to all men. Yes, dear honorable gentlemen of America, we are! So we hereby assert our inalienable rights to equality and independence in all matters pertinent to our way of life.
To begin with, we declare our equal right to be President of these United States of America. As men have occupied this role exclusively for the last 223 years, we women must therefore occupy said role for the next 223 years. And given the feminine powers bestowed upon us by our Creator -- like the power to do more than one thing at a time, for instance -- we do believe that our country will be infinitely better off with one of us in charge.
So today, we say that President Obama should immediately step aside and allow Hillary Clinton to top the democratic ticket. And that Mitt Romney should choose himself as his party's VP nominee so that another super smart, knowledgeable and experienced woman can top the republican ticket. (Note to Sarah Palin: We know you're one of us dear, but this job is really, really not for you. Note to Olympia Snowe: Your party and your country need you.)
We also demand our rights to equal representation on the Supreme Court -- or, as we see it, the "supremely dominated by men" court. We are of course grateful that Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan are on the bench, but the fact that the other six places are taken up by right honorable gentlemen is simply wrong, dishonorable and unjust.
We therefore urge the current president to take all necessary measures to equalize our representation on the court, and to actually put women in the majority for once. In accordance with this declaration, we hereby suggest, with absolute appropriateness, that Clarence Thomas be replaced by Anita Hill, Samuel Alito by Nancy Pelosi and Antonin Scalia by Wanda Sykes.
On this day, we additionally demand the introduction of further legislation that would enshrine equal pay and equal opportunity for women in the workplace. And we insist that said legislation be introduced some time soon, and preferably before the next millennium. This is not an unreasonable demand on our behalf because there are millions of talented, innovative women in this country who could contribute more to our national well-being if they were allowed to fulfill their true potential.
Indeed it must be recognized at the very least, that we women have already left an indelible mark on business by developing (after good, bad or indifferent sexual liaisons with our male counterparts), and producing (after a pregnant pause of nine months) every successful man and woman in America -- Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, Warren Buffett and Arianna Huffington included.
The issue of women's healthcare must also be included in our declaration -- particularly as it has garnered the interest of all those you would reasonably expect to have an overwhelming interest in such matters, i.e. men. We would say to you, the men who have suggested that placing an aspirin between our legs is an acceptable form of birth control, that you are indeed without brain cells.
Similarly, we would say to you, the men who have attempted to introduce vaginal probes into women's healthcare, please only do so if you are willing to endure in return, an anal probe before and after you pass such legislation and further anal probes on the hour, every hour for the rest of your lives. From this day forth, we therefore insist that women's health matters and decisions be left to those of us in possession of vaginas -- in good working order or otherwise -- and real or silicone breasts. Period (pardon the pun). End of story.
Today, we must also declare our determination to secure the appropriate recognition for all females who work in the arts. We were, it has to be said, disappointed that we had to wait 81 years for a woman, our sister Kathyrn Bigelow, to win an Oscar for Best Direction. And we were further upset this past week when our beloved Nora Ephron passed away without winning the Oscar that she so richly deserved for writing and directing movies of the quality of Silkwood, When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle.
While we may be prepared to accept a posthumous Oscar for Nora as a peace-offering, we hereby say to the men who make up 90 percent of the voting members at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences: "Dudes, it's 2012 for goodness sake. The requisite anatomy of an Oscar winner cannot continue to be a penis. Seriously!"
In closing, we women do solemnly state that we have no intention of seceding or ceasing relationships with our male brethren, who are, at various times our loving husbands, fathers, brothers, sons and lovers. However, the statements contained in this document cum blog, are our sincere declarations of independence in this year of 2012. And we hereby demand their adoption throughout the land, so we can finally fulfill our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness -- well, female happiness at the very least.