Floyd Elliot

The fact that the Supreme Court's Citizens United decision paved the way for corporations and billionaires to use their wealth anonymously to influence elections has many people up in arms, from Senator Bernie Sanders and Occupy Wall Street's General Assembly to (in his slyly satiric way) Stephen Colbert and the...

As I sat down to dinner the other night, the phone rang, and I knew without answering what it was: an election robocall. Still, I decided to pick up, as I hope to ingratiate myself with the robots before the Internet becomes self-aware, so that I can get myself a...

Our problems are not intractable -- they're not even all that difficult. If only we could think about them in new ways, ways that make sense (to me), ways that will work (for me), ways that cannot possibly have bad repercussions (for me), they could be solved. We may call...

Note to the early church fathers (who, sadly, did not bother passing down any information about the early church mothers, though there must have been some): A good Friday is one on which you rise, have coffee, find the bus arriving just as you reach the stop, get a seat...

My career had not been going as I might once have wished, back in those carefree days of my youth, when my every waking thought concerned UPS deliveries. In recent years, UPS delivery has become for me depressingly and irredeemably commercialized, all about the money and nothing about the artistry....

Aw, c'mon, everybody. We should really give Rush Limbaugh a break, just like that dude with the funny nose says.

I mean, I'm sure if I were to robo-send Rushbo well over 50,000 emails strongly suggesting that he might be a fat pill-popping pig with the manners and morals of...

When you google my name, as I do on roughly an hourly basis (my fingers got tired when I did it every minute), besides my pieces on Huffington Post and several other sites, you find a picture of me with a former girlfriend (yeah, I make that vampire-cross...

Many financial pundits, several of whom were not English majors two years ago, have since Facebook's recent IPO raised the question: Is Facebook overvalued? Since my ancestry is Jewish, the answer is and can only be another question: For what?

As a medium for the dissemination of cute cat pictures...

Congratulations! With your team's win in the Super Bowl Sunday, you have no doubt already seen an immediate and vast improvement in the quality of your life! The air surely seems a bit cleaner -- but only for you and your fellow Giants fans -- and the sun seems a...

You know what I love about buying crap from Amazon? I can pay for it with credit card points that I got from buying crap on Amazon. It's like my crap is giving birth to little baby crap.

Actually, I think it's more than just "like" that. I have long...

Good news, social conservatives: according to a new study, you're not bad people; you're just stupid. And also? Racists. Fox News: at long last explained by science.

I'm referring to a recent study that found a strong correlation between low intelligence (for any conservatives reading this, that means...

Twice in the last 647 Republican presidential debates, once when asked by Juan Williams if he didn't think his comments on food stamps were racist, again when asked to talk about his ex-wife's revelations about his request for an open marriage, Newt Gingrich replied with a slow contemptuous "Noooooo..." followed...

Good evening, my fellow Americans. On this, the occasion of my first State Of the Union address to the nation as the President of the United States, allow me to say unequivocally and without wavering: you are so freakin' screwed.

Now, I understand that when you elected me, you were...

I spent the first day and a half of this year largely unconscious.

Oh, not entirely. Right at the beginning I was enjoying a lovely New Year's Eve dinner. Then to sleep, from which I woke a few hours later, my entire digestive tract ablaze with the desire to assert...

Some might dismiss New Year's resolutions as overblown, impossible to keep and rapidly abandoned, but that's exactly why I love them. If I had to, say, eat more green vegetables for the rest of my life, I might before too long start eyeing razor blades in a comparative-shopping-for-my-impending-suicide kind of...

From: Kringle, Kris [CEOKris@santastic.com]
To: All_Employees [elves@santastic.com]
Subject: 2011 Season

As the Christmas season fast approaches, the recently-rebranded Santastic Productions, LLC., expects all employees to prioritize our strategic initiatives in the areas of cost-reduction, brand maintenance and toy-delivery synergies, as represented by our recent partnering efforts with the...

I've given this century almost 12 now, and it's done nothing but disappoint me -- and not just me. When Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick imagined 2001 in their should-have-been-a-documentary 2001: A Space Odyssey, they had regularly-scheduled Pan Am flights to the moon. You bastards, we don't even have...

Newt Gingrich, Republican candidate for president and human Macy's Thanksgiving Parade balloon, today revealed his plan to reform Social Security: end it. Oh, okay, actually, Newt's plan allows taxpayers to opt for private retirement accounts, which would put trillions of dollars in retirement savings into the hands of...

Listen, I'm a little worried that I might be a bit of a perv. The issue -- the problem -- is that I have a thing for MILFs, which is to say: women my own age. (If you want to know what the acronym "MILF" stands for, ask your teenage...

I'd considered getting a vasectomy for several years, but somehow something always prevented me: the color I wanted wasn't in stock; they were out of my size; a complete stranger would insert sharp instruments into my own personal genitalia and, you know, snip... But last year seemed the right time....