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Floyd Elliot
Floyd Elliot lives in Chicago, writes fiction and humor and has raised children, but stopped when he realized that he could not (legally) sell their pelts. He hopes one day to become famous as a case study in the DSM-V.

Entries by Floyd Elliot

Leaders Reassure Public in Wake of Santa Barbara Shooting: We Will Continue to Do Nothing About Guns

(2) Comments | Posted May 29, 2014 | 1:09 AM

In an attempt to calm fears after the senseless shooting carried out by psychopathic misogynist shitbag Elliot Rodgers in Santa Barbara this past weekend, legislators are racing to assure the American public that they will not initiate even the tiniest move toward making the American public safer.

"We Americans want...

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Yay! Racism Is Over!

(0) Comments | Posted April 30, 2014 | 3:25 AM

Oh, man, wow! We did it! Every one of us deserves a nice hearty pat on the back. We ended racism! That's right, racism's over! Huzzah! With Tuesday's decision by the NBA to ban prune-faced bigot Donald Sterling from the NBA and to fine him a whopping $2.5 million--his...

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Thoughts on Cleaning My Toilet

(0) Comments | Posted April 8, 2014 | 1:39 AM

Man, I hate cleaning my toilet.

I need a maid.

Dude, I can't afford a maid. (Why do I call myself "dude?" Shouldn't I call myself, "Myself?")

Maybe if I sold a kidney, I could afford a maid.

Hey, if I sold both kidneys, I...

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Satire Is What Closes on Saturday Night: The Outrage Of #CancelColbert

(17) Comments | Posted March 28, 2014 | 7:20 PM

“Satire is what closes on Saturday night,” said George S. Kaufman, after his play “Strike Up the Band” did indeed close in Philadelphia before it could ever make it to Broadway. (Also what closes on Saturday night: synagogues.) Stephen Colbert’s brand of satire seems an exception (as, actually, was “Strike...

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Idiotic Design

(5) Comments | Posted March 16, 2014 | 2:43 PM

Since courts almost everywhere put the brakes on creationists’ attempts to get their Biblical beliefs introduced into science classes as an “alternative” to the evolutionary view of species creation over billions of years (or as rational people everywhere call it, “the facts”—and what do we call an alternative to fact?...

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A Completely Unrealistic Solution to the Problem of Inequality

(0) Comments | Posted February 24, 2014 | 2:31 PM

Robert Reich, the perfectly-sized* former Secretary Of Labor, recently wrote about Facebook’s acquisition of WhatsApp, the company that markets a messaging app used by hundreds of millions of people, for $19 billion (yes, that word starts with a “b”). Reich’s point was...

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The Five Things You Say That Make You Sound Stupid

(16) Comments | Posted January 5, 2014 | 5:10 PM

Listen, Bunkie, I know you're not stupid. I've seen your SAT scores; it's hard not to, because you enlarged them to poster size and framed them and hung them on your front door. (The spotlights added a nice subtle touch.) But sometimes you say things that make you sound like...

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What to Expect When She's Expectorating: A Guide to Childbirth for Men

(1) Comments | Posted November 20, 2013 | 5:12 PM

Unlike first-time fathers-to-be in an earlier age, who would venture out for a night of drinking, whoring and spitting while their wives gave birth, today's father-to-be knows that he should not, must not, miss his child's birth. (Also, whoring and spitting are out.) But, once in the delivery room, he...

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"That's Not Normal!" The Statistics of Penis Size

(10) Comments | Posted November 11, 2013 | 8:45 PM

As everyone knows, there's nothing guys like talking about more than math. No, wait, that's not right, it's...oh, yeah: dicks! Guys like nothing better than talking about their dicks! But I believe that guys will talk about math, as long as that discussion centers on their dicks. As we Americans...

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Breaking Bachmann

(0) Comments | Posted October 2, 2013 | 4:16 PM

If you've followed the news of the last few days, you know that A) Walter White's story has come to an end in a very smart, satisfying and blood-soaked (hence even more satisfying) (what? I'm a guy) manner, and 2) the United States House of Representative has shut down the...

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Let's Have a Higher Minimum Wage -- and a Lower Maximum Wage

(3) Comments | Posted August 19, 2013 | 6:44 PM

Conservatives love incentives. Let's pay a top executive 1800 times what a worker makes... because incentives! Let's tax capital gains at half the rate we tax worker's pay... because incentives! Let's eat poor people's children... because delicious! And... incentives! (Okay, Jonathan Swift beat me to that one by two centuries,...

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How Not to Be Racist

(32) Comments | Posted July 1, 2013 | 8:34 PM

Last year, I had occasion to take several Implicit Attitude tests and found that apparently I have a slight preference for black people over white people and an equally slight preference for whites over Asian-Americans, a result I did not report to my Asian-American then-girlfriend. (Until, you know,...

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The Vision Thing

(2) Comments | Posted June 19, 2013 | 6:46 PM

Sometime in second grade, my teacher noticed me squinting and throwing my body and head from side to side in my chair in an attempt to read the blackboard (we had those back then, and chalk to write on them with, and also velociraptors that chased us home), whereupon she...

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A Perhaps Slightly-Jaded Guide to Online Dating Sites

(5) Comments | Posted June 12, 2013 | 2:11 PM

My last girlfriend and I broke up last September, and I spent a number of months drawing lessons from the experience, learning from mistakes and thinking deeply about the type of person with whom I might have a successful relationship. Also, I discovered Game Of Thrones and, well, let's just...

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My Commencement Address to the Class Of 2013

(1) Comments | Posted May 30, 2013 | 2:33 PM

A couple of weekends ago, I found myself at a college commencement in Western Massachusetts cheering on one of the graduates, delighted to discover that the speaker was none other than the brilliant, beautiful and erudite Arianna Huffington. As witty, profound and inspiring as I found that address,...

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What Twitter's For: Twitter Vs. Traditional Media on Covering the Capture of the Alleged Boston Bombers

(2) Comments | Posted April 25, 2013 | 7:44 PM

Back in the day, whether you learned journalism in a class or from an editor, you probably heard something like the following: "If your mom tells you she loves you, get two confirming sources." Back in that very same pre-Twitter day, the immovable object of confirming a story stood athwart...

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Libertarians: Live Free or Die of Frostbite

(11) Comments | Posted April 10, 2013 | 5:43 PM

Some weeks ago, a study by the libertarian Mercatus Center found that the freest state in the United Ss Of A is... envelope, please... North Dakota! Shocker! (Next year, Mississippi.) Especially considering that North Dakota just passed a probably unconstitutional bill to outlaw its last hanging-by-its-fingernails...

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For All Practical Porpoises

(3) Comments | Posted March 15, 2013 | 9:37 AM

Some years ago, newly-elected President Obama announced that Krazy Kristian mega-church pastor Rick Warren would give the inaugural invocation prayer. ("Dear Lord, please don't let our own idiocy destroy our country, and also please show us a hi-def photo of Jesus riding a dinosaur.") I felt quite excited for like...

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A Large Sausage Pie and a Semi-Automatic

(47) Comments | Posted February 25, 2013 | 1:38 PM

Honestly, I don't see how giving patrons of a pizza parlor a 15 percent discount for bringing in their guns could possibly go wrong, and neither, apparently, do 57 percent of the readers of the Los Angeles Times, who, asked whether a "gun-themed pizza promotion" would appeal to...

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Damn You, France!

(0) Comments | Posted February 13, 2013 | 2:15 PM

France's National Assembly just said "Mais oui" to a bill that legalizes gay marriage and adoption. So now, in addition to having better food and sex than we do and a lower rate of heart disease despite all that butter and cream they eat -- and let's not...

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