12/11/2011 02:59 pm ET | Updated Feb 10, 2012

I'm Putting The Future Behind Me

I've given this century almost 12 now, and it's done nothing but disappoint me -- and not just me. When Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick imagined 2001 in their should-have-been-a-documentary 2001: A Space Odyssey, they had regularly-scheduled Pan Am flights to the moon. You bastards, we don't even have Pan Am anymore! Well, except for the TV show, and I give that one season.

(Arthur, Stanley, I'm sorry. Also, if I am Jack Nicholson, and I am, I will never agree to caretake a hotel in the mountains of Colorado during the winter. Even more so if I'm Shelley Duvall -- and I am. I am great; I contain multitudes.)

No, instead we've gotten a series of wars in Asia Minor started by our nation's first imbecile-American president, George W. ("I Destroyed the U.S. of A.: Ask Me How!") Bush. We got a Depression (which is just a recession where lots of people are bummed or maybe sleeping in holes in the ground, i.e., depressions) caused by a bunch of Wall Street tapeworms so greedy that hungry piranhas stop stripping cows to the bone to say to them, "Dayum, dude." We got the Tea Party, a "nonpartisan" movement so fundamentally insane in every respect, so lacking in the rudiments of validity, rationality or acquaintance with reality that it's willing to plunge the country's and the world's economy into chaos rather than slightly increase taxes on millionaires. Who, I would like to point out, have all the freakin' money. No, instead these Tea Tardies want to tax the poor. Who -- and really, do I need to say this? Yes? Okay, fine -- have no freakin' money. Great people, the poor. Give you the shirts off their backs. And that's all the IRS will get from them, because of how, as I might have mentioned, they have no freakin' money.

So I say, screw it. I'm going back to the 20th century. I'm going to party like it's 1999, because of how it will be, only this time I won't be afraid that the Y2K bug will destroy all that is admirable and delightful about our country. Nope, that'll be the aforementioned George W. ("The 'W' Is For War") Bush, and not for a few years -- a few years that I will never experience, because of how I'm spending the rest of my life in the 20th century.

Okay, it's not like the 20th century was perfect. There were a couple world wars and an actual Great Depression, that Cold War that almost blew us all to hell, and a few genocides. And somewhere in there we had pet rocks and mood rings, and for a while in the '80s, very big hair. Still, we did not have Twitter. Right there, we're talking huge improvement. And also? No Bieber.

I would just like to say what I feel is everyone's mind: freakin' Bieber, man. Jesus. Kid makes me long for the musical mastery that was 'N Sync. Freakin' Bieber.

Now, I don't want to go back to the real 20th century, because of the aforementioned wars and Depressions and death camps and Farrah-hair; I want to live in the New and Improved 20th century, which will include the following things: hats for men, Route 66, the WPA, '70s movies, none of them based on '70s television shows, the Clash, the Beatles. (Clone John will be just as snarky as the real John, and Clone George even more mystical than the original; Clone Ringo will actually be able to play the drums.) We'll try to avoid the racism, sexism and homophobia, but that will largely involve leaving the Tea Party behind in the 21st century (which, you know, hell yeah), and also, sadly, your aged parents. Oh, come on; you didn't want to buy them Sarah Palin's book for Christmas anyway, and how many more times do you want to hear how you'd look so pretty if you just got all that hair out of your face?

Back in the 20th century, or, as I'd like it to be called from now on, My Century, cell phones were the size of bricks, so you couldn't just whip out your phone when you didn't want to talk to your nearest and dearest. Sure, that was a pain in the ass, having to interact with people who were actually right next to you, but if you've ever spent any time with someone who found iPhone Scrabble (Scrapple?) ever so much more fascinating than talking with you when you were right there next to them in the actual flesh, you will perhaps appreciate a simpler time when you were not so tempted to beat your dinner companion to death with a cell phone the size of brick. Cell phones the size of bricks, while a good idea, just don't go far enough; in My Century, a cell phone will be roughly the size and mass of a cinder block. Also, they will randomly from time to time explode. On the plus side, they will actually allow you to make phone calls, which is I feel all by itself a vast technological improvement over the iPhone.

Plus, we will bring back phone booths. And Superman. What the hell's the point of having phone booths if you don't have Superman?

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