THE BLOG
02/25/2013 01:39 pm ET Updated Apr 27, 2013

A Large Sausage Pie and a Semi-Automatic

Honestly, I don't see how giving patrons of a pizza parlor a 15 percent discount for bringing in their guns could possibly go wrong, and neither, apparently, do 57 percent of the readers of the Los Angeles Times, who, asked whether a "gun-themed pizza promotion" would appeal to them, answered yes.

What owner of a cash business, after all, doesn't want people dropping in wielding weapons? I expect 7-11 will soon follow suit, possibly offering a Slurpee or week-old hot dog or perhaps the contents of the cash drawer to anyone coming into a store at 2 am wearing a stocking mask and waving a handgun; "The Big 7-11 Hold-Up (Your Guns)" they might call this promotion. And clearly, under no circumstances would a customer who's been shorted $0.38 on his change or gotten pineapple instead of pepperoni on his medium pie start firing wildly at the staff or other customers, because we Americans are responsible gun owners who only fire our weapons at targets, animals and the occasional school full of kindergartners -- definitely not at a restaurant full of lawful gun-owning thin-crust-pizza-lovers. And of course, all those patrons with weapons would respond decisively to such an eventuality, because they are all trained peace officers, unflappable in an emergency, and utterly unlikely to start blasting away at each other, at random and at actual police officers dispatched to handle an emergency. And a crazy shooter-type guy would know and respect that and never start firing in the first place; crazy people are known for this kind of impulse control. This is the second-best idea I've heard on keeping ourselves safe from gun violence, after Sheriff Joe Arpaio's posse of gun-toting sex offenders that he wants to deploy to Arizona schools.

Now, I will admit that that the picture accompanying this story, of an elderly white woman holding a rather large rifle, has me kind of spooked. I get nervous even seeing old people driving, because of how I grew up on Miami Beach; when I was a kid, if you crossed the street and saw a gigantic hunk of Detroit steel hurtling down on you with just a porkpie hat and a set of gnarled knuckles showing above the dash, you ran for the curb and your life, and if after you leapt to the sidewalk that land-yacht didn't jump the curb to nail you anyhow, you considered yourself lucky. Imagine how I feel seeing an old lady with coke-bottle glasses holding a semi-automatic rifle. Not as scared as if I were black, but still, pretty scared.

Despite that, I like this idea and I think we should expand it. If everyone having guns makes us safer, let's stop this nonsense of banning weapons from airplanes. We should continue to check people for weapons before they board -- and turn away anyone who isn't packing. Men, women, children, yes, even babies would need to be armed before being allowed to fly. (The babies would have much smaller guns, of course, that could double as teething rings.) A planeload of armed passengers is a flight that's safe from terrorists -- and also a flight where everyone gets at least two bags of peanuts.

And what about concerts? Surely no one at a Ted Nugent concert -- certainly not Uncle Ted himself -- would object to arming a loud drunken audience? I'm no music critic, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that an AR-15 backbeat could only improve "Cat Scratch Fever." (I suppose it's okay that I'm no music critic, because as far as I can tell, that's no music.) As a parent who escorted his children to numerous pop and boy-band concerts when they were little, I can tell you that I often wished I'd had a gun; I would have missed seeing them grow up had I actually gone through with blowing my brains out, though.

And on a personal note, I have found that carrying a weapon into a bank vastly improves the service. Why, I've been able to withdraw many thousands of dollars that I didn't even have, from banks where I didn't even have an account. Also, everyone in those banks willingly -- no, eagerly -- gave me their watches and jewelry. Bank customers are the best people.

I for one (and regardless of what my other personalities say, I am just one) welcome this new world of universal-gun-toting safety, for only when we are all armed everywhere and always can we all be free of the fear of gun violence. So, hats off to the vanguard of our new hair-trigger society. Today pizza joints, tomorrow the floor of the Senate!

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