Television newsreaders have noted the recent spate of cannibalistic attacks and concluded that the zombie apocalypse is nigh. (Because, what, only zombies eat human flesh? Have these people never heard of CHUDs -- Cannibalistic Human Underground Dwellers -- or, you know, cannibals?) (Paging Dr. Lecter, Dr. Lecter, your patient/dinner is here.) Well, you know something? For once, they're right: we are on the verge of a zombie apocalypse, and I couldn't be happier. For I, you see, am a zombie, or, as we prefer to be called by you brains on legs, Shuffling-Undead-American.
Finally, we zombies can come out of the closet, though not the zombies we ate while we were in the closet. Thank you, Rudy Eugene, for leading the way, even if you actually had no human flesh in your stomach -- bulimic zombies are not pretty, my friend. (And possibly-post-posthumous thanks also to Rudy for putting the plight of both zombies and people with two first names in the public eye.) No longer will we Shuffling Undead Americans hide from the light of day, even though we're a lot scarier at night. We're undead, we like to eat what's in your head, get used to it!
Why so upset, television newsreaders? Most of you don't have a brain in your head, and are therefore perfectly safe from me and my fellow zombies. Are you so intolerant of other lifestyles -- well, deathstyles -- that you cannot let us die and let die? Do our dietary preferences offend you? Well, let me tell you, my friend, with the high cost of meat and the low employment rate, not to mention the fact that most meat sold at the grocery store was last inside an animal in the late 50s, eating brains out of a human skull is the cheapest option for fresh meat that most of us can find. And really, is eating human flesh so very odd a diet? I mean, vegans, now: those people are seriously f-ed up; eat enough tofu, and I'm pretty sure it will kill you. Not me, though, because of how I'm already dead. I'm still not eating tofu, though. I mean, I eat brains and I think tofu is vile.
Also, after the zombie apocalypse, you won't have to think so much about what to order in a restaurant, which is good, because we'll be eating your brains and that's what you think with, unless you're active in the Tea Party.
You: So what's good on the menu?
You: Anything else?
Server: Brains sorbet. But that's more of a dessert thing.
You: Oh. Okay. Any specials?
Server: Yes: rack of lamb in a balsamic reduction with Tuscan kale.
Server: No. It's brains.
That's good, right? Too much choice hurts your brain. And makes it less tender.
It is my hope that the coming zombie apocalypse brings together all of humanity, male and female, gay and straight, creamy and chunky, because then it will be easier to herd you all into an enclosure and eat your brains. To us zombies, all of humanity's squabbles and disagreements seem inconsequential; all we care about is that you don't have Alzheimers, because that hurts our teeth, which as you might imagine are none too solidly rooted in any case. To us, you are all just white matter and grey matter, and the white matter is a little more expensive at Kentucky Fried Brains. And those of you with metal plates in your head piss us off, because with our rotting fingers, we're not good with a can-opener. And of course, you people with flamethrowers, knock it off.
So, please join me in welcoming in the new age of zombie domination, and know that I don't mean this in any kind of metaphorical or allegorical sense, nor as a comment on the ways in the which the rich are feeding off the poor and middle class and sucking the United Ss of A dry. No, that would be my upcoming post on vampires. Spoiler alert: Mormons can drink blood, unless it comes from an alcoholic.