Hello everyone, my name is Obama. Did I say Obama? I meant Jack. My name is Jack.
I am here today to say out loud in front of everyone that I am a recovering Obama addict.
Yes, it is true that the very first step toward recovering from Obama addiction is to admit that you have a problem. I am admitting this to you today, and I am doing so even as Clutters R' Us removes all Obama paraphernalia from my house. (I hid my life size Flat Obama under my mattress-- that and some pieces of confetti I collected at an Obama rally in Des Moines, Iowa).
Now I know some of you may say to yourself, "Self . . . although I know that I love Obama and even have Obama underwear and a soft pillowcase with his face on it, I do not have a problem."
But my fellow Obama lovers; please first honestly ask yourself the following questions before you turn away and become even more of an addict than you already are.
Do you ever call your spouse or loved one by either Michelle or Barack, thinking you are trapped inside one of their bodies?
Do you find yourself speaking more eloquently and articulate than ever before, even to your pet fish?
Do you ever feel the need to break into broad, honest smiles even when ignorant, grammar-challenged people are attacking you?
Do you crave Obama news 24 hours a day and will stop at nothing to physically push people out of the way in order to view him better; say in food courts where there are Flat Screen televisions with CNN continually playing Obama press conferences? (Not speaking from any personal experience of course.)
Do you find that you are already worshipping members of his inner circle and cabinet as well? For example:
Do you think Rahm Emanuel is sexy?
Do you yearn for three martini lunches with VP Joe Biden?
And do you suddenly fantasize about Hilary Clinton as your Pilates instructor, even though you couldn't stand her before? And even though you have never done Pilates to save your life?
If you have answered yes, maybe or even sometimes to more than half of the above questions, then, my friend, you have a problem.
The following is some advice I have gathered from fellow addicts and even dealers of Obama-esque-subcontractors and from the enabling enablers who enable them.
If you hear his name, see his name or hear him on any radio or television program, immediately think of something that turns you off; akin to a psychological Pavlovian dog approach. For example, when you hear his name, you can think of your least favorite aunt, appetizer or neighbor instead.
Whenever you find yourself mumbling incessantly to yourself in a grocery store like your crazy great uncle Ralph or to an imagined cell phone caller about Obama's goals and plans for the country, or jump whenever someone asks you for "Change", start singing the theme to one of your favorite T.V. shows of the past. The themes to Baretta, The Rockford Files and The Partridge Family work for me.
And last of all; take that frickin' Obama poster off of your bedroom ceiling that says 'Yes We Can'.
Wait a minute, I feel I may just have a relapse coming on . . .
I just heard on the radio that my local pizza parlor will be auctioning pizza's with Obama's name written in pepperoni and anchovies.
Hey Luigi! I'll order me a medium deep dish pizza with extra sauce!
Oh well, there's always tomorrow.
And as they say in 12 step programs, "I have come to believe that "a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity."
And that is Obama!
Follow Francesca Biller on Twitter: www.twitter.com/masao123