1. Always have what I call the U.G.B. handy, which stands for Unwanted-Guest-Basket. This way you can yell at your uninvited guest through your locked door (of course!) and wait three minutes while you throw miscellaneous clutter from each room into the basket. Remember unexpected guests are often nosy and rude and will simply barge into each room of your house with lines such as, "Have you been re-decorating?" or "Do you have any extra Xanax ?"
2. Make sure you always have an extra empty trash can at hand can so that you don't mix smelly disgusting trash, food and weird things with the semi clean U.G.B. basket items in a panic, forgetting about it later. Put the basket anywhere in some unassuming corner covered by a clean towel, blanket, pillow or old pet.
3. If you are "absolutely" sure they didn't already see you though a window or hear your voice, lie down anywhere they won't be able to spot you, such as behind the couch or even on the floor by the door, and try to breathe as softly as you can. Just to be safe, stay there for at least 10 minutes, because you can never trust the unexpected guest .Once they arrive, they don't want to leave, ever!
4. Tell them through the door that you have the worst stomach ache of your life and that you ran to the door in the middle of being on the toilet. If that doesn't work, tell them they are a horrible person and that you will obtain a restraining order against them tomorrow.
5. Start yelling and pretending as if you are in a very bad argument on the phone. Make sure to say really embarrassing and inappropriate things that you know would make your guest repulsed and want to leave.
6. Tell them you're in the middle of sex, and if they are rude enough to ask who with, either tell them it is a-threesome-with Brat Bitt and George Clooney, and that they have officially won the Golden Rude Award for being the nosiest and most obnoxious excuse of a human being of all time.
7. Tell them your children are very sick and contagious. If they remind you that you don't have children, reply, "You see, you know nothing about my life at all, you are not my friend after all, leave my property at once!, The sherrif is on its way!"
8. Tell them that you think you have the swine flu and that your doctor said that anyone can catch it in any vicinity that the carrier has walked, breathed or existed in. Remember to intermittently burst into uncontrollable coughing and hacking as you tell them this.
9. Begin to make terrible animal noises and tell them you have a newly diagnosed panic disorder which specifically recommends against any spontaneous visits, confrontations or communication, especially at your own your residence.
10. If you happen not to like this person or persons anyway, and wish not want to be their friend; and you realize that you actually may even "hate" and "despise" this person, tell them, "Not only can't you not come in, but I never want to see you again, hear your name or want you in my town. Leave now or I will have to call the authorities."
Remember what Stuart Smalley said, now a United States Senator who now calls himself Al Franken, who only became a successful politician against all odds because of his daily affirmations that he continuously told himself in the mirror. Here are some of his inner peace self-affirmations:
I am a worthy human being
That's just stinking thinking!
You're should-ing all over yourself
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me
It's easier to put on the slippers than to carpet the world
Whining is anger through a small opening
I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.
If Stuart could surpass all of his fears and become a Senator, than certainly you have the strength to decide who comes through your door, without a letter, email of apology or promise of a free massage the following day.
And remember that after this traumatic uninvited guest experience that has undoubtedly caused post tramautic stress order , just repeat repeat Smalley's words to yourself again and again: "Trace it, face it and Erase It"
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