What "Never to Say" at a Job Interview

07/16/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I'm afraid of technology, especially computers and phones, but I am a really good "people" person.

My birth certificate says that my name is Lucille Rosy Baby, but since my operation I'm known as Chad Bruce Ford, and don't you forget it.

Is it okay that I parked my donkey outside in Valet parking? I haven't had a car since 1972.

Do you have any hot looking daughters? My 27 year-old adult soon still lives at home and I'd do anything to marry him off, or at least have him shack up somewhere else.

I have never really liked people, but I'm willing to try if you give me this job.

If a guy names Luigi calls here and asks for me, tell him it wasn't me who sold his brother up the river.

I'm anti-government, so don't expect me to fill out no damn employee tax form ID paper things.

The only experience I have is life experience, baby, and a lot of it.

I have an issue with staring, am I staring right now? I'm sorry, give me something to stare at so I don't bother you. Oh, I know, I'll stare at this gun in my jacket instead.

I'll have to take Friday's off; that's the day I mud wrestle for lottery tickets.

I have no childcare so I will be bringing my toddlers to work - but I checked out the lunch room, there's plenty of space.

I will have to leave each day by 4 pm - Maury Povich is beginning his 20th season special for paternity testing for triplets from bi-racial, special needs dwarf homosexual couples who lean Republican.

If my name comes up on any websites under America's Top Ten Hate Group's, I swear, it's been a month since my last blog.

I think that General Motors deserves only really bad things, like all corporations and businesses, except yours of course.

Just to let you know, sometimes I hear voices in my head, but I never answer them, unless it's yours, Mr. Boss man.

I am not a follower, I am a leader! Like when I went to the DMV to take my driving test, I told the instructor that I was the leader! Not him, even though he was the one telling me where to go!

I am not interested in office politics, don't worry. In fact, I didn't even vote in the last elections, I think it was all orchestrated, kind of like the winners on American Idol and that Holcaust story.

If the FBI comes looking for me, tell them I am not a spy, I am God.

I know I may come off as overqualified, but that's just because I am, and probably more than anyone else here. So how about it, when can I start dude?