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You Homophobes Just Jealous Gay Weddings will be Better

06/12/2009 04:45 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Let's just get to the heart of it already and be honest with one another, my anti-gay sisters and brothers.

Those who oppose same sex marriage are just worried that you won't be able to compete with stylishly fabulous gay weddings and receptions once they become the norm. And you also probably won't be invited too.

Writer Fran Lebowitz said, "If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal.

Just admit it; everyone knows that once same-sex marriage becomes legal, no one will be want to attend a heterosexual wedding ever again.

Hallelujah! Just think of it, no more tiny boxes to check on Wal-Mart-designed invitations for choices of only chicken or fish eaten at a hotel or place of worship, with only wine or champagne, man and wife, and Rabbi or Priest, while drunkenly dancing to the Macarena and George Michael!.

With a mainstream culture of gay weddings, there will be an untold fortitude of taste and class including fashionable attire, even for bridesmaids, grooms-maid's, brides-men, brides-brides and grooms-groom's. I apologize if I left anyone out. Have your people call my people.

There will also be a moratorium of no more ugly pyramids of fat people stuffed into tight clothing with bouffant hairdos posing for pictures, except for the rare drag queen who will finally be allowed to attend the ball for the first time in his or her life. Bless their heart.

Instead there will be glamorous black and white 1930s style film photos, Fred Astaire top hats and brides who will look traditionally different but groomed beyond any dream by Elton John, finished off with hairstyles that will cause no one PTSD.

There will also be a sudden unavailability of wedding planners for heterosexual weddings. Caterers, wedding dress designers and florists will suddenly become booked up as they plan long-awaited weddings for their friends and anyone who has supported them, leaving "straight" couples to fend for themselves.

But that's OK, because we know from reading best sellers like the Bible that same-sex marriage is a sin anyway; therefore, if one were to be un-hypocritical and intelligent, losing out on "sinful" wedding planners won't be a sin in anyone's book after all.

On the ugliness of blatant homophobia, John Stewart said, "Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

The f- word is ugly, and the gay haters are even uglier and jealous that they don't have as great taste, that they make less money overall than non-straights, and that they are simply not as creative or stylish. . . not even the same ball park.

Just think of the floral centerpieces alone we will get to bring home. No more baby breath bouquets with three roses in only three colors and a monogrammed ribbon to fight over.

No more hideous matching Technicolor polyester bridesmaid dresses blinding our eyeballs just to make the bride look thinner in comparison because she is wearing white long dress with ten inch heels hidden beneath.

Robin Williams said, "We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
No more aging D.J.'s to get all the grandparents from Miami and New York and The Los Angeles Valley to dance to the Village People's "YMCA," because the Village People will finally be allowed to get married, and in high style at that.

Once gay weddings become mainstream; the dinner courses and decorations alone will be worth buying the stylish and slightly more expensive wedding gifts.

Just stop the lying already. I can't take it, someone bring me some happy juice, or as the old ladies used to call Manishevitz in my old neighborhood.

I know those who say they are against same-sex marriage claim religious and moral high grounds.
But why not instead look at the issue from a different view that may serve their own selfish needs even better in the long run?

Hail Jesus! . . I just had a genius, evangelical-like idea! And Hail Mary, Pat Robertson and Mitt Romney too while I'm at it!

If you begin to turn your hatred and ignorance into a more understanding, less bigoted frame of mind beginning right now; perhaps some homosexuals may still have it in their big hearts and talent to forgive you, and help in your children's and grandchildren's weddings after all.

It's just a matter of time until "those people" will be able to legally wed anyway under Obama, so why not get on their good side now so that you can have wedding album-ready receptions.

It also may get you on the waiting list for invitations to the some of the greatest parties that will yet be known to man, and thrown by men.