THE BLOG
11/28/2012 06:32 pm ET Updated Jan 28, 2013

The Hole in the Donut

2012-11-27-IMG_2072.JPG

A recent article in The Southern New England Journal of Medicine points to the fact that Jewish Americans in the 50-71 age category experience an inordinate amount of serious accidents cutting bagels (Abrasions, Trauma and Other Insults Deriving From Bagels, The Southern New England Journal of Medicine Vol. 366, No. 1). Indeed, the article which is the result of a 10-year joint study conducted by the trauma departments at a number of major hospitals on both the East and West Coasts, points to the fact that serious wounds and even deaths from resulting from these incidents exceeds both the frequency of hunting accidents and stab wounds deriving from gang related violence in both Chicago and South Central L.A over the same 10-year period.

An analysis of the data has indicated that over 55 percent of the incidents involved fresh bagels that were often hot from oven, rather than vintage or stale bagels which were originally assumed to have created emotions of exasperation in the cutters. While the analysis of the data is still in its early stages, it's considered significant because it appears to vindicate the presence of the "pleasure principle" even in an activity which is fundamentally maladaptive. Freud naturally championed the pleasure principle as a fundamental drive in human behavior and anyone who has ever inhaled the aroma from a fresh bagel knows that the temptation it offers, like that of the Homeric sirens Scylla and Charybdis, could easily lure a culinary adventurer to an untimely death.

The study did not deal with a subset of data dealing with bagel related accidents not involving cutting, an omission that is explained by the fact that much of the data is as raw as the dough. Suffice it to say that there is a whole subset of bagel lovers (and addicts) who can't wait to cut a bagel and who fall victim to asphyxiation when chunks of improperly masticated bagel get stuck in their throats.

Disclaimer: The above is a spoof. There is no Southern New England Journal of Medicine and there is no scholarly article entitled "Abrasions, Trauma and Other Insults Deriving From Bagels."

This was originally posted to The Screaming Pope, Francis Levy's blog of rants and reactions to contemporary politics, art and culture

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